My journey off hell

Thank you Rhoda and lady h. Looking back an I suppose being honest there was cracks in my marriage before the gambling. He,d had an affair when I had had my daughter in 2003. I'd had a cesarian section on the 11th December 2003 an spent a few days in hospital. When I came home he was sat in front of the computer as usual he played pool online after work to relax. I was fine with this as we had only recently got a computer an it was a novelty I still remember having dial up broadband which used your phone line while you was online how times have changed hey ! . Anyway I was used to him being on the net an found it amazing he could play pool against eople from all around the world.

A few days later he had said he was nipping his mates to look over his car again I was fine with this he had great knowledge in cars and would always be asked to help his friends if they had any problems with there cars it was the norm !. Just before he set off my midwife knocked so he let her in , I was having problems breastfeeding my daughter which was frustrating as I'd breast fed my lads with ease and spoke to the midwife about my concerns who gave me a leaflet . I started to read and it gave a website for practical tips so I done something I'd never done I switched on the computer to see if I could get any tips on latching on. I guess I'd always been abit scared in case I wiped it or something as I've idea on technology. The computer logged in and automatically signed into MSN . I didn't really know what MSN was at the time an thought maybe it's the pool website Anyway a few seconds later a box popped up with an offline message off a girl. I can't remember it word for word but bacially it was like hey lover you've probably left to meet me but I just thought I'd say I can't wait to meet you again. last night was amazing. I was absolutely heart broken. Whist I was in hospital having our daughter he was arranging to meet up with this woman.

I immediately rang his friend and asked to speak to him there was an awkward silence an he replied oohh he's just left. I started crying knowing it was lies an hung up we never had mobiles back then so I had no way of contacting him an all that was going though my mind was him with another woman.The next thing I did was lock the doors an leave the keys in so he couldn't get in. An hour or so later I heard him trying to get in I had 3 young children at home one just days old an I was shaking. I went to the door an through the door told him I knew about Jayne the lady on MSN . His face was white an he started to say I was being hormonal after having the baby an ID read it wrong he was saying I'm not going to discuss it through the door so either I open it or he's leaving. I really don't know why I'd locked the door but I was just in a pure mess I needed time to get my head round this he had been going to mates for months was it all an alibi or had he really been there at all ??

He left and continued to call the house phone constantly saying sorry. I logged back online and the MSN signed in again an she was online this time so still shaking i messaged her as if it was him. Abox kept coming up saying Jayne is requesting to view your webcam and then a message for me to view her webcam . I dunno what was going through my mind but I accepted her request I wanted to see for myself who I was losing my husband too. A pretty girl appeared on screen I felt physically sick an actual girl it was real. I made an excuse that my webcam was playing up and she accepted it . She continued to go on about the meeting they had at the carpark at the back of our local swimming baths I felt so sick . After a few minutes my daughter woke up and I said I had to go to feed the baby . She was surprised she had no clue there was a baby or any other kids an I saw this as the time to come clean who I was I wanted answers off her I wanted to know if she knew about me , how long it had been going on etc but Suddenly the webcam turned off an she logged out.

Later that evening my mum came round as I'd been distraught on the phone to her. I let her in but forgot to leave the key in the door about an hour later I could hear the key in the door. He walked in an panicked when he saw my mum but asked her if she would leave so we could talk my mum did so . My pregnancy had been difficult an I'd had several blood and platelets transfusions and this was the reason he gave. He said he'd made a MSN account simply for an email that week an come across a chatroom an had started talking to people as he was stressed with my pregnancy. I was hurt and felt like it was my fault I didn't believe he had only made the account that week. I thought about the 9 months of pregnancy an although I'd had a few hospital stays we still had an active s*x life so couldn't make sense of it if we'd have not had s*x I could sort of understand that it was just s*x but we was as I thought been more closer than ever. After a few days of him being on the sofa as he had nowhere else to go we talked an decided to try again for the sake of the children I did ring his mate and ask him how any times he was asked to be an alibi an he said he simply wasn't going to get involved so I was still no clearer to how long this went on which still bothers me . Over the next few weeks I started paying more attention to his time on the computer an we made a pack to move it into the living room instead of the dining room that way I could see what sites he was on. I suppose looking back this affected me way more than I thought but I shut it away and settled back into being a full time mum and wife.

I did also find on another occasion I'd gone bed about 11 as the baby was still waking in the night so I was shattered but he'd said he was staying up a bit. Whilst in bed I heard the PC power up I lay there with all sorts going through my head after about 20 minutes I finally plucked the courage to go downstairs I crept down an walked into the living room and he frantically clicked off the chat box. I asked him what he was doing to which he replied I just couldn't sleep love next thing the box appeared on screen it as a lady again on a webcam . He had wrote wow your beautiful. I read this an saw red beautiful is she and just blatantly said we'll look at her course she is !!!!! Wow I was mega venerable at this time and had self confidence issues since having the cesarian I was struggling to get to my slim pre pregnancy body I was crushed yes she was beautiful but yes she was nothing like me so how could he love me ! . I continued to read she was in America she'd asked his about his life an he replied he was single with no kids. Did we mean so Little to him . I had no words an hurt I went back to bed and cried myself to sleep. He stayed on the sofa an was in work when I woke up. He came in like nothing had happened. Once I'd put the kids to bed I asked him why wasn't he happy with us an he just replied I am what harm am i doing talking to someone in America wasn't like he could go an see her he had said he was flattered with the attention he was getting. And said he'd never had girls chasing him before he was simply flattered . I was the one he came home to so I should be happy. But to me this was still betrayal .

Questions was going over an over in my mind was I being unreasonable. Was it all my hormones like he said . I kept it quiet from my mum as she was still angry about the affair he'd had and to this day nobody knows . A few weeks later I was diagnosed with post natal depression and put on tablets after a few weeks I began to feel etter an he was being more attentive to me so I thought right you gotta move on. He loves us hence he's still here.

When my daughter was 2 my partner's dad died he'd been diagnosed with high blood pressure an put on medication to reduce it little did we know at the time he had been vomitting on the tablets so stopped taking them and died from a heart attack br ought on by high blood pressure . An about 6 weeks later I found out I was pregnant again this was a huge shock I'd been taking a contraceptive injection every 6 weeks an thought it was 100% reliable. The doctor had said it's not 100% reliable an also the grief of losing my father in law could have affected it I sat in the doctors saying I can't be I've had 3 cesarians an you can only have 3 to which he said we'll there's a baby in there an when he or she is ready they need to come out. He said that you can have more than 3 cesariand but the risks increase alot after 3 I went home an waited for my partner to get in from work and shown him the test. He wasn't best pleased but after half an hour said well we cope as a family of 5 so we will cope as a family of 6. During my pregnancy I was a bit down as my days consisted of babies and school runs with no friends at all and no outside interests . Also my cesariand scar from my previous birth was begining to rupture so I was constantly monitored. They eventually got me to 32 weeks an decided they had to deliver as the pressure on my scar was going to burst . He was born weighing5lb 6 but healthy he had a stint of about 19 hrs in a high dependency ward as he wasn't regulating HS temperature properly but was discharged after just 12 days which was fantastic life very soon settled down an after about 6 weeks My partner's mum had come to visit and said she'd joined the local bingo . We chatted an my partner said I don't know why you don't go one night a week with my mum it will do you good to get out. That week I joined and we started attending once a week I loved it this was my escape it was tough being a mum to four my partner worked 7 am to 6 pm everyday so most days I was alone . There was a world outside my4 walls . it was good for my partner to have the kids as he never really helped in the upkeep of the kids or the house I breastfed.my children so he never fed them . He didn't do bums I suppose he was old-fashioned the kids an the house was a woman's role an he was the provider which I completely understood he worked long hours so deserved to come in to his tea on the table washing an ironing done an put away an within an hour of him getting in I was putting the kids to bed an he'd relax on the PC . Anyway we had a routine that worked well for us. Anyway back to the bingo I went for around a year once a week spending 20 on books and a drink. Then one night my partner's mum an sister couldn't go they was going the cinema so I decided to go alone. During the interval I nipped the toilet an in there was an old school friend we got chatting an she said we should sit together as we was both alone an hadn't seen each other since school. I moved my books to her seat then she said I'll be right back I'm nipping to have a go on the slots. I said I'll come with you as we was happily chatting about our families. She was deep in concentration on the slots so I went to the next available one. I never used to take my purse not for any reason but just didn't need it used to take 20.00 which was all I needed.I hadn't yet got myself a drink an had 3.00 in my pocket an thought I'll have a go. I put it in on my last spin i heard these 5 chimes and a box popped up. The machine spin button was flashing so I pressed it suddenly 3 symbols appeared an it said I'd won 25.00 the spin button flashed again so I pressed again I will admit I had no idea what was happening but the same 3 symbols appeared this continued till I'd got 3 different symbols an the feature was over. Then it flashed up I'd won 125 .00 well I was delighted Id won in the past playing bingo but never won more than 50 . I went back to my seat an continued to play bingo. When my partner came I couldn't wait to tell him my news he said to me it cost u 17 for bingo books an you win like 15 or 30 but for 3.00 In the slots u won 125.00 no brainier he was right it was easy money as I thought. I carried on going with mum an sister in law and as they never entered to the foyer I didn't bother on the slots but I had noticed I'd started playing the party bingo in the inverals first off the odd game but after a while I realised I was playing every 50p and £1 games I was suddenly spending nearer to 40.00 a week. After a period I was once again told that my mum in law wasn't going bingo she wasn't well so again went on my own.

I was proper excited I knew I was going on the slots and was prancing about getting ready happy as Larry in my head I was going to put 3.00 in an win 125 again.Dont ask me why as I've no clue but this night I decided to take my purse. I walked in an seen a queue for booksales so thought I'll have a go on slots again I only knew how to play that one slot reel king an knew to listen for 5 chimes as that meant mega money as I thought . I scrambled in my purse an found some coins so put them in but nothing it was a pound a spin so lasted seconds. Then I went an got change of a ten pound they also went in without a win. I was just about to go an change another 10 when the lady next to me utered it takes notes too. I put another 10 in after a few spins heard them chimes again. This is it what u was waiting for ...It gave me 3 symbols but these were of lesser value an it came up 5.00 an then another 5.00 then I got 3 different symbols again the feature was over I'd won 10.00. I remember thinking well that was rubbish I've spent about 25 an won 10.00 . By this time the queue had gone down a bit I thought I'll put one more note I then buy my books . After looking in my purse I only had a twentys so I put the twenty in an won a few 1.00 s I was getting quite aggitated now thinking you've put nearly 50 in how are you going to explain it so I was next putting another 20 it was simple ihad to win it back and the other half would never know before I knew it I was feeding it twenty's by the minute again nothing . I reached in my purse to find nothing it was all gone . I went into a blind panic my head was a mess over 200 gone I kept thinking "think will you" "what are you going to do" that's when I came up with the idea of saying I'd lost my purse. Looking back I should have heard alarm bells but I'd never lost money on a slot before it was just a blip . After about 100 in I was saying to myself right it's got to win now but as u know it never did. I didn't even have enough to buy my books an took a long walk home. I suppose looking back theres alot of factors that I've faced that have had an impact on my gambling that I've never really thought of it till now and I've only just realised that it's still raw over his affair not that I'm making any excuses for ygambling or my marriage breakup but the more I think about he more I think was my gambling an excuse to get out of our relationship ? Hmmmm all sorts going through my mind again I suppose I'm also abit angry that I didn't give up on him when times got hard but he did with me ! Anyway I'm rambling again lol

Ty life begins yeah I do need to realise I can't change everything at once it's took years for my life to get into this mess so it's going to take years to get back out of it. I am finding it so helpful to get this out my head an I can start making sense of it. I will definitely look into the ,GA an chat on here xx I know I'm still in shock over my dad an I'm sure I will be for a long time yet it's still very raw an I'm hurting immensely. I think the berevement couciling will be good I will definitely look into that an see if both myself an my mum CA access it I'm sure it will give us closure or I do hope so x thanks for taking the time to read my waffle.

Hi Sorrygorry,

It sounds like you have gone throuhg some really challenging times over the past year. It also sounds like you have some support around you and that you are taking action every day.

I am glad you have found our Forum, keep posting, it sounds like you will benefit from doing so.

Please also feel free to call our Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or the Netline to arrange one-to-one counselling support.

All the best,

Eva

Forum Admin

I certainly will thank you very much admin x

Keep letting it out....its doing you good. You can read this back in years to come and see how far u came x

Not posted for a few days me an the kids have all had a horrible bug an wasnt a bit well. At the moment even though ive been ill im feeling very positive. I joined slimming world last week and although i was deverstated by my initial weigh in im confident that im never going to see tgat weight again as everyweek hopefully it will come down week by week ! .
Dunno if im taking on too much with my gambling addiction side by side but my nurse said it will give me something else to concentrate on. I have to say though since my breakdown my cooking and cleaning routines went out the window i was so depressed but been at slimming world ive been cooking from scratch again and im really enjoyimg it . My mums been visiting alot with us being ill and think her being around the kids is keeping her going although they was messing about doing impressions and we both started laughing then she stopped looked at me an said awe j shouldnt be laughing ! Shes suppost to go back to work monday . Half of me thinks it will distract her but other half of me is saying shes not ready yet ! . Will just have to see how she manages when shes back. Recieved a bunch of fliwers yesterday simply saying sorry off the ex husband an again is sending me mixed messages but hope hes realised he was in the wrong doing what he did . I think its starting to hit me we are over finally . Ive had no gambling urges this week which is fab an im so thankful for that xx

Not posted for a few days were thankfully all over the dreaded but we had so looking forward to getting the kids back in school tomorrow as they was off a week so routine went out the window . Just had contact sorted out for my granddaughter who's 1 on the 27th January. She's my eldest lads who's only 18 himself. I was mortified when I first found out I was going to be a nanna at such a young age but couldn't imagine life without her now.Anyway he split from the child's mum in June last year an had court in December where he was granted twice a week ina contact centre initially an I've just been granted once a month so I'm over the moon.so far the new year apart from the one moment of weakness which thankfully wasn't carried through I've not really had any main urges. Won't get complacent though I know this illness has a funny way of jumping up on you when you least expect it. Got my weigh in tomorrow at slimming world really hope I've lost some I've worked really hard this week. Not seenmum for a few days so going to nip down later for an hour which will be full with 4 kids on the bus well 2 are 16 an 18 but they're worse than the little ones haha. Was abit annoyed yesterday's well alot annoyed my aunt came to visit with some Xmas presents she'd not come at Xmas as we was all grieving the loss of my dad . The kids was made up with their presents then she pulled an envelope out for me which I was completely not expecting. I opened it an it was 60 minutes of sunbed sessions great I thought till she said it was for the sunbeds above the arcade in town ! Where u have to go in same front door an walk past the machines to get to the second flight of stairs . Forgive me for being ungrateful but to me this is hell . After she went I gave them my sister as I'm self excluded from the arcade but even if I wasn't would not trust myself so close to the slots . I'll have paid another debt up first week in march so will have a few pounds over which will be nice as I'm looking around my house an for the first time noticing work that needs addressing . Anyway enough for now check in again tomorrow after weigh in hopefully with a loss x

Hi Sorrygorry. Just read your diary, what a time you have had. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your father.
So so proud of you for the way you are coping now. You should also be proud of yourself.
Whatever you do, do not go back on the slots.
You have to believe that you have got far better things waiting for you in the future.
You are worthy of so much more so only make decisions where you and your children come first.
Make 2017 your year. Take it one step at a time. There's no rush, the year will unfold day by day.
Look after and share magic moments with your children. I'm sure they will be loving their new mum. Spending quality time with your family, talking, sharing, laughing and having fun does not cost a penny.
I hope I'm not talking out of turn when i say that in time it will become apparent to the children that it is not solely your fault that their father left and I hope you will begin to realise this too.
You deserve so much more, staying gamble free is the key to unlocking the door which will hopefully guide you to the peace and happiness that you deserve.
Thank you for being so honest and sharing your story, I'm sure it helps many on this site to overcome personal problems of their own - myself included.
Take care and stay strong x

Thanks so much little miss lost x I am feeling a little stronger day by day an yeah i sat here the other day an though half way through the month you doing good girl ! . Had my 1st weigh in on monday and lost 5.5lb so was over the moon and the cooking is defo keeping me occupied in the day . Dunno if its my diet or the not gambling but been sleeping so much better the last 2 weeks which is having such a positive spin on my day. My daughter was doing her homework last night an she just chipped in i love my new mum it broke my heart xxx im being so much of a better mum without the gambling i have time for my children which im ashamed to say i never did before. 2017 is defo gonna be a great year for me and my little family xx

Hi, so pleased your in a better place now, keep it up each day gets easier x