[Closed] My Last Bad Day

DL,

As you say you want to gamble because you are upset because historically when you get upset you gamble. But, that is one of your patterns that you desperately want to break. So, don’t gamble. See your day for what it is which is a bad day where bad things have happened which is upsetting. The beauty of life is that tomorrow you get a fresh start at a new day and tomorrow might just be the greatest day of your life. No one knows what tomorrow may bring.

Take it easy, relax, get a good night sleep and wake up ready for whatever tomorrow brings with a clear head. Don’t gamble - if you do it’ll be the first thing you think about tomorrow and not only will it ruin your day it will ruin the next day and the next and the next.

Ive been reading some of your diary tonight but I’m going to continue tomorrow. I’m going to check tomorrow’s entry before I read anything else.

Take care.

RR

I did not gamble. I chatted with some lass on that Helpline thing. Just till she wanted my postcode which I didn't like so I left then. Bit odd. 

Anyways. I did get some sleep. Really gotta figure out why I can't get Gamban loaded on my phone cos it's really annoying. 

Hubby had a bad night up and down with his coughing and what not. Gonna be a long 2 months waiting for this Doctors appointment. I am already extremely tired. I can't sleep in the spare room cos he just gets mega upset if I do that. My eyes are so itchy. Like I've got prickles on my eyelids every time I blink. 

Anyway, best get some work done. 

Laters 

Drama x

DL,

Good for you well done.

I also downloaded Gamban and can’t get it to work and now I’ve got this VPN on my phone which bugs me.

RR

Hi DramaLana and RouletteRegret,

Sorry to hear that you have difficulties installing gamban.

Have you tried contacting their service center?

https://gamban.com/contact

Kind wishes

Gabriele

I've filled out the form. Cheers for the suggestion. 

I had a good evening with Hubby.  Blobbed cleaning. Gonna do it tommoz. We talked about his anger. I said how it's affecting me and he explained that his anger isn't aimed at me. It's summat he uses to get through his ill health. He said it's easier to cope with not being able to do stuff if he's in an angry mood. I don't pretend to understand it. I don't know what it feels like to worry about dying beyond being suicidal which is not the same thing cos then you want it and it's usually only a temporary thing when you are emotional, being scared of dying of choking must be scary. I explained how his anger affects me and upsets me and I feel punished all the time. He was sorry for that and says he'll check his moods but absolutely he's not mad at me, just the way things are. He's also scared of leaving me alone cos he doesn't think I'll cope cos I'm so vulnerable. I get that. 

Anyway, this is all very dark but I am just happy that he's talking to me about it. It's also nice that he wants to explain himself. He says he loves me very much and he's sorry that his anger has affected me so much. 

I have trusted him tonight. I gave him my Uni laptop and my Phone. I explained that they don't have Gamban on so I don't need them when I am on my own and squiffy. He got worried for a minute that I was gambling. I just said look, I am giving you them because I don't want to gamble. This is a good thing. Please just take them away for the rest of the evening. I don't need my laptop till Sunday and I don't need my phone till bedtime to listen to music. He was happy with that. 

I feel great!  

Drama 

xoxoxox

Morning Drama. 

Just popped by to wish you a super duper duper gamble free weekend.

Stephen x 

Thank-you Stephen. I hope you're having a great weekend! 

I had a good day. I had a lie-in. Breakfast in bed. Then I went to Football. My team won! Wahoo! Then I met Hubby at the Supermarket and got some bits. Then we went to the pub and the atmosphere was lovely cos of the win. Then we came home and I made him a fry-up. He had one of his COPD attacks while eating so that was scary and I helped him get over it. He's gone to bed now. I will check on him every so often. 

I just had a curry. It was lush. Now I'm eating fizzy fruit sweets and watching cop shows. 

Gonna get an early night as I have alot to do tommoz. 

G'nite All. 

Drama 

xoxoxox

A lady on the Helpline chatted to me and I made it to 7 days gamble free. It's totally a mental addiction that you play these silly games with yourself. I got to like 18 minutes to go and was just going nuts. Anyway, she was nice and I am still gamble free. I am very grateful for the support and now (after taking the dog out and getting wet through) I am going to bed. I reckon I'll be alright now. 🙂

Drama x

I am still gamble free. I am feeling super low cos two of my FB friends blocked me cos of my ranting the other night. Everyone says it's okay to not be okay and post about mental health and stuff but the minute you exhibit mental behaviour, people drop you like a hot rock. 

I feel like it's not okay to not be okay, it's not okay to talk about it. You will lose friends. 

Drama. 

Hello mate

For what it's worth I follow your diary every day that you post because its absolutely brilliant - I relate to a lot of what you say, the trials and tribulations of your life are most compelling (don't ask me why, they just are) and when you do put some airtime between you and the gambling, it gives me a lift. Sadly though (as is the way with these things) - when you take a stumble and reset the ol' counter I feel a bit down, I guess what I'm trying to say is that your diary is infectious and I (and many others no doubt) have been drawn into your story and feel like we are making this journey together with you.

Now...

If you start pandering to public demand and curbing your madness and censoring what you write and rant about for fear of upsetting people well... Your diary just wouldn't be as compelling anymore.

So the moral of the story? f**k your X2 FB friends, it's their loss ?

Stay on top of your game and keep fighting ok? ? You're a brilliant person.

Whenever it's P*****g down with rain I look out the window and almost always envisage a sodden wet drama llama dashing about in a park, rain mac on and hound in tow - thirsty for the blood of a Pokémon ??

Signalman, what a lovely post. Thank-you. I won't stop posting here every day. Hopefully I will get better and stop being so mental and this is certainly a place where I don't feel judged at all. I am still gamble free and don't wanna give up the fight that I've been having over the last week. It's been tough but I figure, I've done a week so I can do another and then another and surely my mood will improve over time? 

I am less angry/sad about the people blocking me on social media. I blocked them back! Ha, now they can't undo what they did and try add me again. 

A person from Gamcare was sposed to call me at 2 but it was closer to 3 cos they were having system problems. During that extra time I got real anxious and sick with worry. I just didn't wanna have Hubby hearing me talking to them about feeling low and it's hard to keep him out of the way for too long. Anway, she called, we had a chat. They are gonna check in with me next Tuesday. 

I told her I'm off to Whitby on Friday. I said that work has kept my mind occupied today and I've not felt bad (beyond being anxious). I need to plan summat to do with my evenings, no matter how short they are because I just give myself the wind-up. I am thinking maybe having a bath after work and just go straight up to bed and watch a movie there. No laptops or ought. Hence why I'm posting now. We'll see if I do that. 

I went to the supermarket and got a joint of lamb for £6.50 from the whoop's section. Sweet! Gonna have a roast lamb dinner. Thinking about it, I have only eaten 4 slices of toast in the last two days so that can't be doing me any good. Hopefully a good feed will lift my spirits. 

I am very sleepy tired. I'd like to go to the park with the dog after cleaning work but I have zero energy. Maybe I'll get a second wind. 

Thank you for all your support anyone who reads this. It is much appreciated. 

Drama x

Last night wasn't so good. Hubby has the flu and his chest was terrible. I had planned to go to bed early but I ended up dosing him up with Paracetamol and rubbed him down with Vicks Vapour Rub and left him to it. He was restless and coughing. I just stayed up. My mood was low. I called someone (not saying who) and talked it through. 

I went to bed at 1a.m. I did not gamble. 

I woke up when Hubby got up at 7. Told him I was sleeping till 9. He made a flippant comment about "chance would be a fine thing". I just screamed "THE CHANCE NOT WORK 3 JOBS AND BE KNACKERED ALL THE TIME WOULD BE GREAT" and then went back to sleep. 

He woke me again at 9. I went to work. 

I spoke to a coach about struggling with understanding my new job and she sent me some training material. It was awesome! I came up with a plan for shadowing people and I managed two full reviews by myself. I feel better about work. 

Tonight is late night at cleaning. Can't start till 6.30. Only just got in and then I'll be going out again in a minute. Please to God let me get some sleep tonight. 

Oh and I had a Bacon and Egg McMuffin meal for breakfast and some Baxters Lentil and Bacon soup with a cheesy bread roll for dinner. It's the first proper food I've had in days. I never did get the roast last night. 

Drama x

Posted by: DramaLlama

Oh and I had a Bacon and Egg McMuffin meal for breakfast and some Baxters Lentil and Bacon soup with a cheesy bread roll for dinner. It's the first proper food I've had in days.

Ok so it's a step up on slices of toast but let's got ahead of ourselves with this 'proper food' malarkey ??

Come on drama, slice a carrot or boil a swede or something! 

It's ok to start loving and caring for yourself again you know! ?

Take care ?