[Closed] My Last Bad Day

It was good to hear you are feeling easier today drama in chat.. Take care xx

Hi Drama

Just thought I’d pop by and say thank you for your posts, everyday, I come to this site when I’m in bed and there are always two diaries I go out of my way to read. Yours and Staces. Not sure why I’m always drawn to both of yours but I think  it’s because I relate to the content in your diaries more than most. 

Interesting reading both your comments in the past few days, it seems we have more in common then I initially thought. I wonder if it is the root to the gambling, I’ve never really been able to figure it out. 

Anyway, just wanted to say thanks for the welcome in chat. And keep posting, you’re my bedtime reading lol!

Have a good nights sleep. 

Bex

Posted by: Lonelysoul

Hi Drama

Just thought I’d pop by and say thank you for your posts, everyday, I come to this site when I’m in bed and there are always two diaries I go out of my way to read. Yours and Staces. Not sure why I’m always drawn to both of yours but I think  it’s because I relate to the content in your diaries more than most. 

Interesting reading both your comments in the past few days, it seems we have more in common then I initially thought. I wonder if it is the root to the gambling, I’ve never really been able to figure it out. 

Anyway, just wanted to say thanks for the welcome in chat. And keep posting, you’re my bedtime reading lol!

Have a good nights sleep. 

Bex

I know for sure it's the root cause to my gambling. I know when I am just mindlessly playing games online I am not thinking about ought bad. 

I am kinda glad you feel like me you and Stace are kindred spirits cos there is hope with feeling like you are not alone in your troubles. I also feel very sad that you have to be a part of this club we are in. It's an expensive membership fee. 

You wanna offload anytime just do so. I won't judge. I can promise that. 

Sweet dreams angel. 

Drama

xoxoxo

Thanks Drama, you do make me lol even in my depths of despair on how you portray things. The line about “it’s an expensive membership fee” made me chuckle. You really have a way with words. 

Bex

Tell me why I don't like Mondays?

I WFH today. I had Doc's and the Nurse this morning. The Doctor was not happy with my drinking and wanted to refer me to some local alcohol counselling place. Like, yes I've abused alcohol but it's not the same as being addicted to it. It's deffo a choice. Same as cigarettes, I choose to smoke when I am unhappy but can easily do without when I'm alright. Not like the gambling. He asked why I didn't wanna go and I said I've got enough on with everything else, I don't want that! It was just a hard no and he didn't press the point. We talked about my low points in my mental health and whilst it was compounded by the not having any meds, it has been bad at other times so he says he wants to see me in 4 weeks instead of 8 weeks. He said he'd put a note on my record so the receptionist will understand that I have to have the appointment and they don't fight me and just book me a regular slot in like two months. I feel like I'm a failure at recovery cos I'm doing it all wrong and just upsetting folks. 

I went to see the Nurse and left Hubby with the Doctor for his COPD check-up. (BTW that is the first time I've let Hubby come with me for a mental health check-up). I hope he's okay with what he heard me talking about but I'm past caring about him knowing how low my thoughts get. 

The Nurse wouldn't give me the flu jab cos I have a snotty nose. What with my immune problems and Rheumatoid Arthritis and that, she thought the flu jab at this time would wipe me out. 

Hubby couldn't have his flu jab cos he's got a chest infection and they've give him steroids and antibiotics for a week. 

I told my boss about my appointment updates. We chatted briefly about work and we're gonna catch up on Wednesday. 

I got my pills from the chemist and took them and I've had nausea and diarrhea all day since. Been like the Queen sat on't throne all day. 

Glad I was home. 

I've been in chat a couple times but not really felt super chatty. 

I got through 3 file reviews at work. 

I did two cleaning jobs tonight. They were mostly clean from yesterday cos I put a top effort in so well done me from yesterday for putting a shift in cos I don't reckon I'd have managed a big clean tonight. 

Tomorrow is another day. I hope my symptoms calm down and I feel better cos I feel cruddy. 

Oh! I got an order from the catalogue. I ordered it on Saturday as a cheer myself up type thing. I got a LBD that goes to my knees and has long sleeves. It's kinda ribbed huggy* material and has a silver zip from the neckline to just above the chest. I got some knee high socks. One black pair and one red and a black Adidas cap with the white stitched logo. I am happy with my stuff. I gave Hubby a fashion show with the dress and the black socks. He's happy with my stuff too! 

I also ordered Hubby some aftershave for a birthday present but it never turned up. He has horrid luck when it comes to getting stuff by parcel. There's always summat wrong even if I order it for him. Oh well, still time to sort that before his birthday. 

That is all for today. 

D. x

I am angry. 

Awww, P**P. It's uncomfortable being angry. Ouch!

Good on ya for owning it. Sometimes feels taboo for women, that. We can feel we're supposed to be agreeable and sweet. Flook that! Normal emotion.

Thanks for the heads up about Lorraine Kelly, how funny. Watched it and thought "well done for saying what we're all thinking!" Hadn't actually seen that woman interviewed yet - what a narcissist! Ugh, rank. 

Aw drama.. Your diaries are amazing.. They make me smile even though I know the deep tenderness and hurt you write them with. 

I hope today is good to you and you manage to get your jobs done and find some time for you. Even if its to sit and have a well earned brew. If its as cold where you are then stay toasty and hope to hear from you in chat tonight. 

Morning Drama.

Sorry to read that you are angry. Maybe you have too much free time and I was wondering if an early morning paper round would help you...... Ouch .... Well it was only an idea!!!!! lol

Hope you are having a fun filled super duper Tuesday.

Stephen x 

Happy day 50! Keep moving forward

S&B xx

just popping in to say hi and I hope all goes well with your presentation tomorrow x

Thank-you to everyone who stopped by my diary for a visit and words of encouragement. It's nice to come home to! 

My Day. 

I WFH cos of my counselor visit today and well, tummy still a bit funky although the nausea has subsided so that's good. 

I logged onto work early enough and saw an email from a Tech Consultant reminding the team that we have buzz sessions tommorow to introduce ourselves to the department. I knew this was coming cos she mentionned it a month ago. Now, at that time I excused myself from the task cos I thought like I was doing alot of the reporting and meetings and presentations and stuff. I said it was time for someone else to shine. 

Thing is, everybody else in the team was replying with anecdotal evidence of things they've seen and not really understanding how these things work. If I was in the office, I could've coached someone through it but I was home so it's tough. I created a slide show on Powerpoint with some visuals. Meet the team, cycles of improvement process and file review analysis. Then I emailed it to my boss and said I'll run some Top Issues - Pivot tables in the morning so that I can voice the actual root cause problems we are seeing initially and give some context. 

I did say that I want a wingman and I'm not going in on my own. that is non-negotiable. I know I get anxious presenting to large groups of people and that just the company of a wingman helps me get over that. I'm happy to do the talking as long as I have that. My boss says he'll be my wingman. This is good. Gonna have to get up early and make myself look office smart. I do that. We've talked about this. 

I emailed with Stacey and said some prayers for her, her family and for her Nan. I hope if it is her Nan's time that her passing is peaceful and she feels all the love and affection that her family have for her. 

I went on chat for a bit at lunchtime. That was nice and one of the best parts about WFH. That I can connect with my recovery pals. 

I ate half a slice of toast for dinner. 

I had a dial-in with my team mates at 2. I sent them the slide show and asked if they had ought to add, could they email me. They didn't. I blobbed the second part of the call because I had to go see Debbie. I found out two colleagues from up North are coming to see us next week so I'm gonna try get the night off cleaning to go out for dinner with them one night. I would like that. 

I put on my pink Ellesse sweater dress, pinky red socks and white high-tops. I paired this with my white Gap puffer and a grey scarf and grey baseball cap. This outfit was cute! 

I went to the click and collect shop and picked up Hubby's birthday present. Got wolf whistled and stuff from lot's of guys in the traffic on that street. Haha, yes boys, I look cute. I just pretended like I didn't notice them though cos what you gonna do back....curtsy? 

I went to see my Debbie. Very apprehensive. I filled in these tick box questionnaire things. Do not like doing that part. Gives me high-anxiety cos I know that where I say I'm at is what we have to talk about and I've already had lectures off the Doctor so I dunno, I just expected more of the same. Couldn't have been more wrong really. We chatted about the indepth stuff from my weekend so she had context for my mental problems and then she did this drawing of a thing. It's summat like ego state therapy or summat and then she was talking about how you talk to people and how they receive those messages. Like you can say stuff and people don't hear what you say so much as feel the way they feel about what you said. It was really interesting and we talked about my progress with Hubby cos I'm already doing some of this stuff. I just need to be mindful with like my parents cos I get massively triggered by them. She also suggested I might wanna see if my brothers will still be my friend if I don't see my parents because it's something that I believe but may not even be true. 

I told Debbie that I plan to keep a food diary. That way, I can track what I eat and drink and give it to the Doctor in 4 weeks time. If it's just booze, I know I won't do it cos it will tick me off but if it's both, I'll just feel like I'm doing it for calorie counting. More chance of me doing it and him seeing the balance of everything. Debbie thought that was a great idea and she told me again how easy it is to get addicted to booze even though I believe I'm alright. 

I came home to no emails or ought and no real time to do any reviews so I just logged off work. I intend to go in early tommoz so it's all good. 

I went to cleaning job no. 1 and the guy that is in charge there was super nice to me (suspect this has alot to do with my pretty dress). He listened when I talked about stock issues and drove straight to the shops to get me what I needed cos my notes in the day book are being ignored. I was grateful that he listened and that my dress is hot! 

I went to cleaning job no. 2 and me and the manager there had a great chinwag. I look forward to Tuesday night chats with her. She offloads all her customer complaints on me and I help her with drafting letters cos I'm good at that. We actually have a laugh. She trusts me with confidential information cos obvs I know about GDPR and the law. 

I went to see a man about a dog for Hubby. I met him at this village green in a place called K. I let the dog walk on the green and he walked down to see me from his house. It made me laugh when he said he didn't recognise me.....yes, I have legs sweetie! He told me off for being out in the cold and I said that I've just been cleaning for 3.5 hours, I'm roasting! He laughed and said fair do's. We chatted about stuff, hugged, the dog did a poo and I left. 

Oh....regarding last night. I am really very proud that I got angry, posted for memories sake (cos that's what my diary is for) but didn't share my badness. I felt really mature this morning when I woke up not feeling angry and hadn't upset anybody. 

Um, that is all. 

Thank you for being here. Shout out to Bex. If you're reading this tucked up in bed, sweet dreams angel. 

Drama

xoxoxox

Aww, Drama you just made me genuinely smile with your last comment. I am indeed tucked up in bed getting my daily dose of reading and of course, yours being the first I’ve come to read and catch up on. Sometimes it’s the smallest things that count, and your comment made my day!

Hope you get a good nights sleep and good luck with the presentation, even though I don’t think you need luck as I’m sure you’ll nail it. 

Nite

Bex

Posted by: DramaLlama

Thank-you to everyone who stopped by my diary for a visit and words of encouragement. It's nice to come home to! 

My Day. 

I WFH cos of my counselor visit today and well, tummy still a bit funky although the nausea has subsided so that's good. 

I logged onto work early enough and saw an email from a Tech Consultant reminding the team that we have buzz sessions tommorow to introduce ourselves to the department. I knew this was coming cos she mentionned it a month ago. Now, at that time I excused myself from the task cos I thought like I was doing alot of the reporting and meetings and presentations and stuff. I said it was time for someone else to shine. 

Thing is, everybody else in the team was replying with anecdotal evidence of things they've seen and not really understanding how these things work. If I was in the office, I could've coached someone through it but I was home so it's tough. I created a slide show on Powerpoint with some visuals. Meet the team, cycles of improvement process and file review analysis. Then I emailed it to my boss and said I'll run some Top Issues - Pivot tables in the morning so that I can voice the actual root cause problems we are seeing initially and give some context. 

I did say that I want a wingman and I'm not going in on my own. that is non-negotiable. I know I get anxious presenting to large groups of people and that just the company of a wingman helps me get over that. I'm happy to do the talking as long as I have that. My boss says he'll be my wingman. This is good. Gonna have to get up early and make myself look office smart. I do that. We've talked about this. 

I emailed with Stacey and said some prayers for her, her family and for her Nan. I hope if it is her Nan's time that her passing is peaceful and she feels all the love and affection that her family have for her. 

I went on chat for a bit at lunchtime. That was nice and one of the best parts about WFH. That I can connect with my recovery pals. 

I ate half a slice of toast for dinner. 

I had a dial-in with my team mates at 2. I sent them the slide show and asked if they had ought to add, could they email me. They didn't. I blobbed the second part of the call because I had to go see Debbie. I found out two colleagues from up North are coming to see us next week so I'm gonna try get the night off cleaning to go out for dinner with them one night. I would like that. 

I put on my pink Ellesse sweater dress, pinky red socks and white high-tops. I paired this with my white Gap puffer and a grey scarf and grey baseball cap. This outfit was cute! 

I went to the click and collect shop and picked up Hubby's birthday present. Got wolf whistled and stuff from lot's of guys in the traffic on that street. Haha, yes boys, I look cute. I just pretended like I didn't notice them though cos what you gonna do back....curtsy? 

I went to see my Debbie. Very apprehensive. I filled in these tick box questionnaire things. Do not like doing that part. Gives me high-anxiety cos I know that where I say I'm at is what we have to talk about and I've already had lectures off the Doctor so I dunno, I just expected more of the same. Couldn't have been more wrong really. We chatted about the indepth stuff from my weekend so she had context for my mental problems and then she did this drawing of a thing. It's summat like ego state therapy or summat and then she was talking about how you talk to people and how they receive those messages. Like you can say stuff and people don't hear what you say so much as feel the way they feel about what you said. It was really interesting and we talked about my progress with Hubby cos I'm already doing some of this stuff. I just need to be mindful with like my parents cos I get massively triggered by them. She also suggested I might wanna see if my brothers will still be my friend if I don't see my parents because it's something that I believe but may not even be true. 

I told Debbie that I plan to keep a food diary. That way, I can track what I eat and drink and give it to the Doctor in 4 weeks time. If it's just booze, I know I won't do it cos it will tick me off but if it's both, I'll just feel like I'm doing it for calorie counting. More chance of me doing it and him seeing the balance of everything. Debbie thought that was a great idea and she told me again how easy it is to get addicted to booze even though I believe I'm alright. 

I came home to no emails or ought and no real time to do any reviews so I just logged off work. I intend to go in early tommoz so it's all good. 

I went to cleaning job no. 1 and the guy that is in charge there was super nice to me (suspect this has alot to do with my pretty dress). He listened when I talked about stock issues and drove straight to the shops to get me what I needed cos my notes in the day book are being ignored. I was grateful that he listened and that my dress is hot! 

I went to cleaning job no. 2 and me and the manager there had a great chinwag. I look forward to Tuesday night chats with her. She offloads all her customer complaints on me and I help her with drafting letters cos I'm good at that. We actually have a laugh. She trusts me with confidential information cos obvs I know about GDPR and the law. 

I went to see a man about a dog for Hubby. I met him at this village green in a place called K. I let the dog walk on the green and he walked down to see me from his house. It made me laugh when he said he didn't recognise me.....yes, I have legs sweetie! He told me off for being out in the cold and I said that I've just been cleaning for 3.5 hours, I'm roasting! He laughed and said fair do's. We chatted about stuff, hugged, the dog did a poo and I left. 

Oh....regarding last night. I am really very proud that I got angry, posted for memories sake (cos that's what my diary is for) but didn't share my badness. I felt really mature this morning when I woke up not feeling angry and hadn't upset anybody. 

Um, that is all. 

Thank you for being here. Shout out to Bex. If you're reading this tucked up in bed, sweet dreams angel. 

Drama

xoxoxox

 

 

Another excellent post by DramaLlama.

Thankyou for bringing a smile to my face.

Sweet dreams.

Stephen x 

I'm always exactly where I am meant to be. 

I have had this belief since I was small that I am always exactly where God wants me to be. I'm Christian. My faith has always been a huge comfort to me. I haven't been to Church for months for a service. I think the last service I went to was maybe February. I really can't remember. It's not that I don't believe anymore cos I absolutely do, it's just I don't feel worthy with all my gambling and badness. 

Anyway, so today, I got to feeling that feeling again like everything happens for a reason and God has a plan for me and everything happens for a reason. It was nice. 

Work was pants. I put all that effort into my slideshow and the tech. consultant decided to use some old slides from a previous meeting. Why did she even ask for input? It just cheesed me off. I didn't react poorly. I still got dressed up and went along and was able to give some context to the folks in the meeting cos she was going way over their heads. 

I got home for 5ish and told Hubby that I've booked Tuesday night off of cleaning work cos I'm going out for tea with some day job work mates. He seemed in a strange mood which I put down to my news about going out on Tuesday. He can be mardy but I decided to be the nurturing parent in the relationship and test out some of Debbie's advice. I asked if he wanted to go for a pint. He accepted the offer. 

I took him to the pub and he opened up that he was feeling funny. Like summat is gonna happen and he can't shake the feeling. Also, whilst I was at work he'd had a very scary COPD attack. He thought he was gonna pass out with it. I can appreciate the fear he was feeling and I told him that from what I can tell, his chest is sounding much clearer with two days of the steroids and antibiotics. However, it does sound like maybe he's got some paranoia (I know that feeling). I dunno if it's the steroids or that stuff he smokes cos that can cause it too but I suggested he misses the steroids in the morning because I believe it's prolly them. He's on a dose of 8 pills and that's quite high. I said if the feeling passes then we know it's them and maybe he can just reduce the dose or talk to the Doctor about it. If it doesn't then he needs to seriously consider not touching that stuff he smokes. He agreed. So that's sorted. 

I know his COPD attacks are deffo triggered by anxiety so I reckon that's why he had a bad one with the bad thoughts he was having. 

I feel really good for thinking that he needed some DramaLlama time and giving him the chance to open up instead of just assuming it was all about me and getting in a bad mood. I am doing so well! 

Whilst at the pub I got to meet my Twitter friend who I've followed for years cos we support the same Football team so that was nice and I got a great big hug! Felt really great. My Godmum came as we were leaving but I also got to get a hug off of her. That was super! She gimme the head to the side "how are you doing" question and I was like, it's not been great but I'm trying and we agreed that I'm gonna go see her for a proper visit soon. 

I went to cleaning late. Did some ducking and diving to get done for the normal time. I called in at KFC and got some chicken for Hubby. He was planning on having beans on toast and was made up to have some KFC instead. I dropped into chat whilst he was eating his tea and I had a cuppa tea. Then I did cleaning job no. 2. 

I am back now and chatted Stace incase she wants to talk cos I don't want her to feel lonely tonight. Well, never really but especially not now. 

Um, like I said, it was nice to have the feeling like I was in the right place at the right time and doing the right things. Not experienced it for ages. Long may it continue. 

Drama x