[Closed] My Last Bad Day

My Husband found out he was blocked from my Twitter and insisted being back allowed on so just spent the last 30 minutes having panic attacks and deleting anything that might tick him off. This is not a normal way to live. *sigh* 

Sorry to hear that mate ? I hope you are feeling more settled now x

According to chat I just wanna gamble cos I'm drunk or just want a Christmas Eve treat. I really believe no-one gets it. 

I wanna gamble till all the money is gone and I have an excuse to jump off the nearest bridge. 

I wanna gamble and hide away in the numbness that is gambling. 

I wanna gamble and not feel any pain anymore. 

I wanna gamble cos Mum and Dad hate my guts. 

I wanna gamble cos I'm ruining my life. 

I wanna gamble for so many reasons. 

Sod all of them have to do with being drunk or having a bloody Christmas Treat! 

Ugh!

Just do one! 

Hi Drama

I hope you’re feeling okay this morning. Sending hugs. 

Bex x

Good Morning Drams,

Ive read your previous post.

I get how you feel. I get the annoyance that you’ll experience reference your parents and I get that that particular situation can be so difficult and upsetting that immediate escape is required. On this forum, our escape is gambling. I get it.

What I am seeking for myself is that I will never allow my parents and their favouritism of my sister affect me in the negative way it has over the years. My resentment of the situation has driven me to anger, feeling sorry for myself and finally escape/self hurt through gambling. My way isn't for everyone but I take steps now to ensure I keep a distance from them. I rarely speak with them on the phone or visit. As I said, not for everyone but its worked a treat for me in the past few months.

My parents had Christmas dinner and there was 17 people there. It’s usually fun and silly and they make a huge effort to be fair to them. For the first time my sister wasn't there - they were devastated and it showed. Unusually, they were very subdued. They tried to talk about her at every opportunity but it only creates tumbleweed moments. Its not just me. My gran, my brother, aunts and uncles are all fed up with my sister and the effect she has on my parents. Sadly, only my parents don't see this and think that everyone has it in for their poor princess. 

A few years ago my parents celebrated a landmark wedding anniversary and had a party. My mums boss who she has been friends with for years asked who me and my brother were in front of many guests and my mum embarrassingly said they’re  my sons. The woman looked embarrassed as she said I only thought you had a daughter - been close friends for years. 

I’m not good enough or knowledgeable enough to deal with the type of resentment that I clearly have when it comes to family but I will no longer allow them to cause harm in my life. I’ve tried talking to them about stuff for years and years but they only get angry and close ranks. 

Initially, I didn't know why I gambled. I thought I had lots of problems and was always unhappy but as soon as I stepped back from the negative influences in my life everything became easier. Everything.

The key for us and everyone on here is to find a way to live a happy life and not dive into gambling when we struggle to cope. None of us enjoy the impact gambling has on us. We’re better than we think. Nobody deserves the self harm that we cause ourselves. So find your way. Never again allow people or situations to put you in a place where you need to self harm or escape. You’re an intelligent, passionate, extremely hard working and talented individual and everyone else who seeks to hurt you can f**k off.

Have a nice day.

RR

Went to counselling this morning. 

I think she hypnotised me with some relaxation technique. It was awesome! Like I was weightless and floating in space or summat. I do hope I can reach that same level of chill when I try it myself tonight! 🙂 

Send some my way drama.. I could deal with floaty today xxxx

Boo x

? lovey. So pleased you had a really good counselling session x

Sounds like a wonderful feeling Drama; like Boo and Murlo, I could use a bit of that myself. 

Just for a short while, the feeling of weightlessly drifting away - and resetting the batteries a bit - ... sounds bliss! 🙂 🙂 🙂 

We are all with you 🙂

Mixer

Thank you everyone who stopped by my journal. I do appreciate your support. 

I am tired. I feel like all of the Holiday period stuff has finally caught up with me. 

I had a good day. 

Moff to bed. 

D. x

Just popping by to check you are ok Drama

Hi Drama

hope you’re okay and everything’s okay at home. Try not to work too hard x

sending hugs

bex x

Murlo + Bex, I am fine guys. Thanks for your concern. x

Sunny Day. 

I woke up way late! I slept till about 13:30. I went to bed at 23:00 so that is some epic sleep! Given how I've slept over the Holiday period, I'm guessing I just needed it. It feels amazing to be wide awake and able to think clearly. 

I had a bath. Just a quick dunk but after being in bed all that time I felt S****y. 

I put on my football teams tracksuit pants and a goalkeeper shirt (for warmth). I paired this with my new Gola trainers and blue and white scarf and my SuperDry big coat. It's way cold at Football even on a sunny day. 

My team won!! Woop woop. 

My mate R asked me to go for a pint but obvs I said no. I'm not gonna put myself in a position where I might get pounced on. 

I sat with my Auntie S. I know she spent Christmas Day with Auntie A and Uncle J and she was real caring like. Gimme a squoodge and looked me in my eyeballs when she asked if I was okay. I said I was. I know Auntie A will have told her about Hubby destroying my stuff cos I didn't come home the other night. 

I gambled the night before last. I got all emotional cos I called some womens advisory service thing that my counsellor recommended but it was actually a women's crisis number and I wasn't in crisis. I was real angry mad. I just wanted to talk and felt like they set the ball rolling on stuff that I dunno I want or need. They are calling me on Monday dinner time. I'll take the call and talk to them but I dunno. I felt out of control and like gambling is my go-to make me feel alright again space. 

I used Hubby's card. I did two transactions. I was way drunk. That's another factor. I didn't realise till I checked my emails that I'd done two. I mean one was bad enough but two is BIG trouble. I had thought if I can keep Hubby off the bank for a few days and spend a few odds and sods in different shops so those few small transactions were the ones that showed up in the list, he might not notice but then last night he took the card to pay the bar tab and he kept it. 

I took him to the pub tonight and they said the tab wasn't paid last night. I don't reckon he did it but he said he's deffo gonna check. That's me in trouble then. 

God help me cos noone else can. 

I just have to be better and stop being an emotional weirdo. 

That will do for an update. 

Drama 

xoxoxox

You are not an emotional weirdo Drama. Thinking of you, keep safe x 

Drama.. Life has a way of sorting itself out.. Sleep easy again 

Boo 

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