[Closed] My Last Bad Day

A Good Day. 

I got a good nights rest. When I eventually settled from wanting to deposit more money. I had major wobbles like I knew I was gonna gamble. I chatted someone and that helped. Then I turned the telly off and I just sat on the sofa and did some breathing and pretended like I was Debbie talking to myself. It was almost the same. I did feel all my muscles relaxing and my breathing calmed down and I felt really very tired then and went to bed. It works! Ha! Must remember this for next time and just unplug and do my breathing. 

Um, yeah.....so today I woke up well rested and really happy that it was back to the office. I had a bath and got ready for work. The drive was chilled cos the kids are off school so the roads were dead. My workmates were real pleased to see me. 

I had a productive day. I did 3 file reviews of my own and 5 double reviews of other peoples work. My workmates were not feeling it today. They were happy I was full of beans but they were clock watching and counting down till home time. 

I spoke to the woman from that women's advisory thingy. It wasn't anywhere nearly as scary as I thought it was gonna be. She was way calm. She just told me about the services that they offer. No pressure to do anything. Just wanted to make me aware. I can deal with that. She told me about an app that I could download that is for women experiencing stuff like me. I don't wanna say the name of the app cos I wanna preserve it's integrity but it's disguised as a regular app that you might have on your phone anyway and then you push summat and you get into all the advice and help numbers and you can journal events and stuff that happen to you. If anyone wants the name of it, I'll tell the forum admin people. 

I took Hubby to the pub after work. I couldn't start night time work till really late cos it's late night closing at both places. I've gone and given them both a tickle but not done a proper job. 

I went on chat. It was alright.

Um, that will do. I'm knacked and off to bed. 

G'nite All. 

Drama. 

P.s I must learn not to stress about stuff that hasn't happened yet. It does me no good and costs me lots of money. 

It feels fantastic waking up gamble free. No sudden panic of "what did I do?". Just a relaxed yawn and stretch and thinking about what to wear today and whether to braid my hair. 

Normal stuff. ??

Good for you drama, my regular feeling of wanting to gamble as soon as I wake up wasn’t quite so strong this morning.

always small steps, but each one gets us further up the mountain

kram

Sorry I think I may have hogged the NYE moderator. I hadn't expected it, shejust asked the right questions and we had a private chat. 

If you get to a place before 100 days where irl is ok I am here. I hope you are ok. I will be. Just an unexpected couple of days.

Love you ?

New Years Eve. 

Woke up full of beans. Happy to be gamble free. Planning an outfit. Thinking about my hair. Thinking about what I want to achieve at work today. This is great stuff, so much more normal than worrying about what I did last night and whether I embarrassed myself on the helpline. 

I completed my Performance Review at work. My old boss (like two or three bosses ago) used to call this my great work of fiction. It still makes me laugh to this day. I loved him very much. He was a great influence on me. I used to panic about doing stuff, like presentations and that but he wouldn't brook any of that nonsense and used to plunge me in at the deep end. Sink or swim. He'd always be there, like a wingman to make sure I did okay but he wouldn't let me say no to any challenge. He taught me alot about what I can achieve when I stop panicking about doing it. 

Anyways, so I haven't done my Performance Review document for months cos I haven't felt like talking about myself positively but I had to today cos it was cut-off day. I managed to get a couple pages done. I'm proud of it. 

I also did a training course. I failed first time. Got 70%. I did a retake and got 90% so that's a pass. 

I also did some double reviews. I'm pleased with my day work. 

I blobbed night work cos I wanted to go on chat. I was not dissapointed. It was real nice. The mood was great. I loved LouLou's quiz questions and the fact that Murlo dropped by for a visit. 

I just love my recovery buddies I guess. All of you. You are great people and you are part of the reason why I'm still here fighting the good fight. 

I am deffo not gonna gamble today. It's been too good to ruin it with badness. 

I am real hopeful for 2020. I know 2019 ain't been perfect but I promised myself in December 2018 I would quit gambling and this year feels like the best year cos I have at least tried. Next year, I won't try, I will just do. 

Happy New Year. 

Drama 

XOXOXO

Happy new year... ??

Boo x

New Years Day. 

I had a gentle start to the day. Not a super lie in but no rush to get up. 

I hit the books and have done all my reading. I have an essay plan, an introduction and written 300 words. I've got all my references sorted to support my arguments. Just the small matter of writing another 1700 words. 

I am done in. Going to bed now. Gonna set the alarm for 6. That will give me 6 hours prior to deadline to get the argument written. 

If I work from home, I can do that and then work my b**t off in the afternoon to get some file reviews done for work. 

Laters. 

Drama. 

I know you love a deadline and I can hear that keyboard clicking away. Don’t forget to look after yourself as well though x

I DO LOVE A DEADLINE! Hahaha. Good Morning Murlo. 

1716/2000 words submitted. Given I didn't have any words on paper 2 days ago or a clue what to write, I think that's summat special. At least I'll get a mark now. Imagine what I could achieve if I actually just knuckled down and got on with it?!

Drama

x

? that is fab!

Not an entirely bad day. 

I did not sleep well last night. Could be the withdrawals from black market cigs and christmas excess or could've been the stress of having to get up early to finish an assignment. I dunno but I tossed and turned and was still awake at 1 if not later. 

Hubby made a mistake with the alarms this morning and got up about 5. He brought me a cuppa tea and my pills and I took them and was then snoozing. He come back down the ladder, turned the light out and said soz, it's 5.30, go back to sleep. Thing is, I knew my watch was gonna start buzzing in half hour so I just got up anyway and booted up. 

I managed to finish my assignment. I am happy with the introduction and evaluation element of the essay but the conclusion blew chunks. I was seriously flagging and it was near deadline so I just put it in. I am proud that I did it. 

I had breakfast and then cracked on with some work. 

I finalised only one review today but it's to be expected really cos my brain is fried. 

I went in chat a couple times. Feel like I've run outta words to say. 

Oh and this teatime I got a call from a Debt Collection Company. She was a big old liar this young lassie that called me. She said I'd been ignoring their calls. Now, thing is, I don't ignore phone calls ever, so this put my back up. It's one of the things I worked on with Debbie how I don't have to answer every call and can ignore them but I don't. I still don't ignore calls. 

Anyway, I digress. I said to her, I haven't been ignoring your calls at all. You've deadbelled me about 20 times over the holiday period and each time I answer, it's a dead line so you clearly have an auto dialing system in place. It's not my fault that you dial more numbers than you have call handlers. She wound her neck in slightly. 

Then she told me I'd missed a payment. I said I haven't. 

She said you owe x amount for y credit card. 

and you owe a amount for b credit card. 

I asked for the last payments they had received. I told her that x amount is a long term standing order that's been in place for 12 years and I haven't missed a single payment. She accepted that. 

I said that a amount was being paid as part of a Debt Management Plan as of December 2018 and I haven't missed a single payment of that either. I asked when she last received a payment. She said the credit card company received a payment on 18th Dec and forwarded it to them. I said so essentially you've just purchased this debt and before you've given me a chance to understand that, you are accusing me of not paying you?!

She wound her neck in some more. I asked for their reference and a telephone number in relation to a debt and I would pass their details onto my Debt Management Company and get them to send them payments in future. 

She asked me to get the x debt assigned to the DMP aswell. I was like that's really gonna put you at the bottom of the pile in terms of percentages. At the current rate, you get it paid by the end of the year, if you include it in that plan it will be the lowest debt and you'll get paid the lowest percentage. I would stick with the deal you have. She didn't question me. 

Okay, so after this call, I was super wound up. I really really wanted to smoke all of the ciggies in the world. I also really wanted to go for a pint but not "a pint". I wanted to go and get wellied. I was angry mad. 

I took myself off for a walk and calmed down. Took me about an hour. I still haven't smoked any cigs or been to the pub. I am proud of that. I didn't actually have an urge to gamble. The embarrassment factor made me feel like you're only dealing with this crud because of gambling but I did wanna do the other bad stuff and to excess aswell. 

Okay, that will do. 

A day when I was proud of getting a good job done. A spanner was thrown in the works but I pulled it out and walked it off. 

Not too shabby for Drama is that. 

Laters

D

x

You rock ?

Some dingbat at work moaned about me WFH over the holidays (wa wa it's not fair, wet pants and crying I imagine ????) and my boss wants to see me about it on Monday. Bloody triffic. Why are folks so jealous? Just keep your eyes on your own fries. 

Deffo gonna get bladdered later. I'm in a bad mood. 

Also, I bought Amazon Prime for myself and Hubby has basically stolen my account to use with his Twitch and gaming accounts cos I get it free for 6 months nd then half price with student discount and he doesn't. I didn't buy it for him. I bought it for me. I cant have ought me. 

I was gonna do OT tommoz but I cba now. Sod it! 

D. 

Time for a long walk with the dog??

Posted by: Murlo

Time for a long walk with the dog??

Yeah.....ending at the Pub! ?