[Closed] My Last Bad Day

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(@rouletteregret)
Posts: 569
 

Hi Drama,

I’ve just read your recent posts and wanted to say a few things if thats OK. reference your husband and regarding trust. Its your actions that he’ll notice. Your not gambling, you don't want to gamble and you’re doing everything that you can to ensure that this remains a constant. Your husband will see your efforts. 
In time, with time, all of this can be something of the past for all of us. Thats how I see it - one year from now our lives can be totally different or they can be the same. One day at a time.
As your name suggests there may always be drama but our days of wanting to gamble are diminishing. Add these days up consecutively and we get stronger and the addiction gets weaker. What we’re left with is the very best versions of ourselves which is probably the greatest gift we can afford our partners.

Take care. Have a lovely day.

RR

 
Posted : 19th January 2020 11:02 am
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)
Posts: 920
Topic starter
 

Thank you for your kind comments RR. They are much appreciated. xxx

That time of the month. 

Woke up in a foul mood. I tried to think of a positive/gratitude but I had nowt. I stayed in bed till lunchtime and just watched telly. I went on chat at lunch but that was a waste of time cos I didn't feel chatty. So I left and went to work. I did an okay job. Not really feeling that either. 

I went to the shops and got myself a chicken and bacon salad and Hubby a rib-eye steak that I was gonna pound and make a minute steak sandwich but he wants that for his tea tommoz. I also got stuff to make a nice roast dinner for tea. I also got some multi-vitamins with iron cos I thought it might make me feel better. 

I logged onto work and did 4 file reviews. I'm very proud of that! Was not feeling it. Have awful tummy cramps. My hands are hurting after doing all the typing but I've put some  gel on and it's easing. 

I have felt angry, teary, miserable and just allsorts today. 

I went on chat tonight and I found it much easier to talk. Thanks to everyone there. 

We had dinner. Hubby gimme drama's by throwing away the meat juices before I'd made gravy and I didn't have any instant in the cupboard!!! I found a knorr stock pot but I had no cornstarch. I made a reux with butter and flour and then added the stock to it and it looked like chicken soup so I chucked some gravy browning in. Not too shabby! I didn't eat all my dinner but I give it a good go. 

I have an airfix kit to do tonight of a spitfire. I've got that cos I'm gonna stay up and watch the Green Bay game. I thought if I have summat to do with my hands during all the adverts and that, it will keep me occupied in a healthy way. I have booked tommoz off the day job so I don't get in any bother by sleeping in again. Also, Hubby is gonna stop up and watch the game too so that's nice. He'll be in his loft but we can walkie-talkie and I won't feel lonely. I've got it all covered to have a successful fun time without wobbles or ought. 

Um...that will do. 

Drama x

 

 
Posted : 19th January 2020 10:01 pm
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)
Posts: 920
Topic starter
 

I had a great chat with a lady on the Helpline. She was so nice. I am feeling sad about this Wednesday being my last time that I get to see Debbie, my counsellor. It's causing me a lot of stress and last night I felt like I was just bugging the person on chat. 

I know that's all on me. These are my feelings about it but I felt like maybe I'd just get cut off from Gamcare, like you had your counselling so just deal with it now. 

Anyway, so now I recognise that I've already come along way and I will be just fine. 

I am so grateful to that lady for giving me some time to just talk about how I feel.

That is all. 

Drama xxx

 
Posted : 20th January 2020 1:53 am
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)
Posts: 920
Topic starter
 

Monday. 

Green Bay lost. They played really bad. Did not look like a Super Bowl team. I didn't do my Spitfire because I cracked open a fridge pack and I didn't wanna do it badly. If I make it real well, I'll put it on my desk. Um, good news, didn't demolish the fridge pack. That felt good. Told Debbie I'm not an alcoholic. I just binge drink when I'm in a boo. 

Woke up today late on account of going to bed late but hey, it was expected and it's why I booked the day off the day job. 

I logged onto work last night and did some reports for my boss whilst the football was on. That'll hopefully have got me some brownie points. That and the fact I worked on Saturday and Sunday should mean I'm covered if he says owt. 

I went on chat at lunch it was nice. 

I took the dog for a walk after. I was gonna have a bath and get dressed up casual but cute if you know what I mean and then I thought, it's prolly muddy and horrid down the woods so I opted for yesterdays tracksuit (navy blue) and green wellie boots and a superdry shirt that's brown and grey. It bothers me not being colour co-ordinated but I just thought, don't be daft and go for a walk. I was digging around for my earphones and I had this like mindful moment where I realised I could go for a walk and not be plugged into my phone and just enjoy the peace of the walk so I left them at home. 

I did take my phone though cos I can't not be able to reach Hubby if ought goes wrong. 

I enjoyed the walk. I found a bug that I didn't recognise so I took a picture of it to look up in my book of British Birds and Wildlife. (I love this book but I glued the spider pages together because I don't like them). I still haven't found the book, I have several stashes of books in the house, it could be anywhere! I will look it up when I find the book. If I find dead bugs, I sometimes take them home to look at under my microscope but this thing was alive so I let it hop off. It kinda looked like a grey grasshopper. I will report back when I find out what it is. 

I watched 1917 and Ferrari v Ford this afternoon/early evening. I didn't go cleaning till 7:30pm cos of watching the latter. Both films were good. I am still hormonal. I have angry mood swings. I was screaming at Hubby about a moment in the 1917 film where they were helping a German and I knew nowt good was gonna come of it so I was screaming at him like it was his fault. He turned his head real slow and just flashed me this wicked sarcastic grin, I love his naughty eyes! I laughed at myself and apologised for getting wrapped up in it all. 

I did both my cleaning jobs real well and then took the dog up the masonic lodge for a walk. They have a lawn nearby and I picked up the P**P cos I imagine the funny handshake club would frown upon dog P**P on the grounds. 

I got home just now. I have done my debt management plan review as they threatened to close it which scared the pants off me. I just kept all the figures the same as last time which isn't the truth but I'm too tired to go through the banks and that and find out what I'm really paying. They will keep the payments the same for the next year and I am due to be debt free in January 2023. That feels better than this time last year. I am a quarter of my way to being free of all this very hard work. I CAN DO THIS! 

I am still super sad about not seeing Debbie anymore after this week. I am not so ancy as I have been for the past few days though. Like not so pent up with it all. 

Thanks to Zoe's encouragement I sorted out my wardrobe this aft and it was fun. I found two real pretty dresses that I forgot I had and feel incentivised to lose some weight so I look nice in them this summer. I also found my adidas running tights. I am glad about that cos I was gonna go buy some more but now I don't have to. 

I have just made Hubby a steak sandwich and I'm gonna watch some tellybox and go up to bed. 

G'nite Everyone. 

Drama

xoxoxox

 
Posted : 20th January 2020 11:04 pm
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)
Posts: 920
Topic starter
 

Oh and last night Hubby forgot to take my phone so I took it up to him. He was real pleased. 

Tonight I gave it to him but he put it on the coffee table and then when he went up to the mancave he forgot it. So I walkie-talkied him and said I'll bring it up in a minute, I'm just doing my DMP review and he came to get it. He was outta breath when he'd come down to get it and I said I was just chatting with a mate, I was gonna bring it in a sec. He's like the heart attack from climbing up and down them steps is nothing compared to the heart attack that I get when you gamble so I'd rather just come and get it. It was said in jest but I know it's the truth too. 

I feel bad for upsetting him. I feel happy that he takes it all seriously these days. 

Funny old feeling but it's kinda nice really. 

Drama x

 
Posted : 20th January 2020 11:17 pm
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)
Posts: 920
Topic starter
 

I am super stressed w/I.T problems this morning. 3 different system errors. I cant get ought done and I'm sick of it. Just come for a walk round the block to try and calm down. I feel like I'm gonna cry and shame myself in the office. ?

 
Posted : 21st January 2020 11:01 am
Murlo
(@murlo)
Posts: 1355
 

I remember you talking me through the breathing exercises that you do to help when you feel stressed. Imagine that we are doing them together now...

 
Posted : 21st January 2020 11:13 am
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)
Posts: 920
Topic starter
 

Thanks for the comments when I was stressing. The walk helped reset my batteries and I didn't do ought embarrassing at work like swearing or crying which I really felt like doing. I was losing my temper. 

My Day. Day 25. 🙂 

It sucked. 

Drama x

 

 
Posted : 21st January 2020 10:55 pm
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)
Posts: 920
Topic starter
 

I am better tonight than I was today. I've been really angry about not having Debbie anymore and it's made everything else make me more angry than I should be. 

This is just for my diary purposes, you don't have to say ought.

I just feel like I've had what I've always craved. That positive attention. Doesn't matter what I say to her and I say all sorts but she figures it out and responds with real intelligent comments and makes me feel less mental. 

Maybe the fact that I've been able to process my thoughts and feelings and deal with them and be calm on the forum tonight shows how far I've come already and that I don't need her anymore but please understand, that doesn't mean I don't want her anymore. 

It's not like a crush or ought. Not like how I feel about Ant Middleton. It's deeper than that. I really truly believe she saved my life. How do you say bye bye after that? It's weird. I don't wanna say goodbye. I wanna be her friend forever and send her Christmas Cards and stuff but you can't do that with counselors. They would freak out I reckon. Like you're a stalker. 

Anyways. These are growing pains I believe. Kinda odd to be having growing pains at 41 y/o but here we are. 

Least I didn't bug anyone on the Helpline with my nonk. 

I am definitely growing up. 

Drama. x

 

 

 

 
Posted : 21st January 2020 11:59 pm
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)
Posts: 920
Topic starter
 

Bed. 

 
Posted : 22nd January 2020 12:35 am
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)
Posts: 920
Topic starter
 

Been to see Debbie. She thinks I'm ace and she's gonna miss me. 

She says that I have come along way and I deserve the credit cos I put the hard work in. 

I have to say, I totally agree. I am ace! 

Drama. 😉 

 
Posted : 22nd January 2020 5:13 pm
Murlo
(@murlo)
Posts: 1355
 

Yep, you sure are ace ?. A good egg even! That is fantastic news. So very very proud of you xx

 
Posted : 22nd January 2020 6:00 pm
(@boo-radley)
Posts: 1492
 

Sounds right to me drama ? Boo

 

 
Posted : 22nd January 2020 7:05 pm
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)
Posts: 920
Topic starter
 

My Day. 

I was home late from work last night. I mean, I got out earlier than planned but I was still out till about 11pm'ish. So I said to Hubby, I'm WFH tommoz so I don't wanna get up until around 9.30a.m and I'll log onto work at 10. He's like yes of course. 

So this morning he wakes me up at 7.30a.m and puts the blanket on his side and says I'm coming back to bed in a minute. He'd had a bad night. I hate this. I get like one guaranteed day at home and it takes the absolute mickey to get me up when I'd only asked him the night before not to do that. He doesn't have 3 jobs to do. However, I pick my battles. There is no point picking an argument over this when I'm already awake. It's a moot point when I'm already awake. 

What I aim to do is discuss his hatred of alarm clocks. I'm going to say that it's fine for me not to use one only IF he gets me up when I CHOOSE to get up. I cannot continue with this being got out of bed when it suits him. It's taking the absolute whatsit. Okay, so that was that. 

I have done zero quality work today cos of being tired. 

I had a bath at dinner time. I was gonna wear a cool black outfit for Debbie. Like my newish ribbed figure huggy dress but I put it on and my Christmas Belly looks like I'm a lady Kangaroo with a Baby Kangaroo on board. So I scratched that and put on blue jeans, white t-shirt and green and white checked Super Dry shirt that's so oversized I have to fold up the sleeves but it's super comfy and cuddly and I love it and I looked cute. This is the main thing. 

I told Debbie that I'd had a bath specially for her cos I was stanky. She laughed. We chatted about what I'd got out of my seeing her and I reeled off lot's and lot's of stuff. That made her happy. Somehow with not long to go we talked about a thing that makes me panic and how it's like my last hurdle to being how I was before a bad thing happened and she said summat about how this place where I have this experience is kinda like this place where I had a bad thing happened. It's so weird that we were having this relaxed conversation and it turned into summat so deep. Also, like a lightbulb moment cos I thought the places were chalk and cheese but then when looking at it through her eyes, I remembered a key moment in the thing that happened where everyone was laughing and I was deadly serious and I was so uncomfortable that this whole room of people didn't get what I was experiencing and were laughing cos what I said was funny. 

Anyways, Debbie worked her magic and I was okay before I left. I did not hug her this time when I said bye cos I didn't wanna cry. That would've been bad and I didn't want her to worry about me. I am doing okay. The further away from my last bet I get the better I am. 

Also, I did tell her I was P****d off and sad all at the same time but I reserved the right to feel that way and she was okay with that. That was at the start though and I didn't feel like that at the end. 

When I got home I made me and Hubby some food and fed the dog. I watched The Chase then went to the Pub. 

I went on chat to say "10 minute warning" and it made me smile. I hope I don't get on the Mod's nerves with that. I feel like Teachers Pet when I do it. Makes me laff. 

I did some ducking and diving to get work finished by 9.30p.m. 

I took the dog to the park and now I'm watching cop shows. 

That is all. 

Drama x

 
Posted : 22nd January 2020 10:25 pm
Murlo
(@murlo)
Posts: 1355
 

You are so special. Please do not argue that you are not. I am right. You are a legend ?. Bring on 90 days 

 
Posted : 22nd January 2020 11:16 pm
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