[Closed] My Last Bad Day

Sounds right to me drama ? Boo

My Day. 

I was home late from work last night. I mean, I got out earlier than planned but I was still out till about 11pm'ish. So I said to Hubby, I'm WFH tommoz so I don't wanna get up until around 9.30a.m and I'll log onto work at 10. He's like yes of course. 

So this morning he wakes me up at 7.30a.m and puts the blanket on his side and says I'm coming back to bed in a minute. He'd had a bad night. I hate this. I get like one guaranteed day at home and it takes the absolute mickey to get me up when I'd only asked him the night before not to do that. He doesn't have 3 jobs to do. However, I pick my battles. There is no point picking an argument over this when I'm already awake. It's a moot point when I'm already awake. 

What I aim to do is discuss his hatred of alarm clocks. I'm going to say that it's fine for me not to use one only IF he gets me up when I CHOOSE to get up. I cannot continue with this being got out of bed when it suits him. It's taking the absolute whatsit. Okay, so that was that. 

I have done zero quality work today cos of being tired. 

I had a bath at dinner time. I was gonna wear a cool black outfit for Debbie. Like my newish ribbed figure huggy dress but I put it on and my Christmas Belly looks like I'm a lady Kangaroo with a Baby Kangaroo on board. So I scratched that and put on blue jeans, white t-shirt and green and white checked Super Dry shirt that's so oversized I have to fold up the sleeves but it's super comfy and cuddly and I love it and I looked cute. This is the main thing. 

I told Debbie that I'd had a bath specially for her cos I was stanky. She laughed. We chatted about what I'd got out of my seeing her and I reeled off lot's and lot's of stuff. That made her happy. Somehow with not long to go we talked about a thing that makes me panic and how it's like my last hurdle to being how I was before a bad thing happened and she said summat about how this place where I have this experience is kinda like this place where I had a bad thing happened. It's so weird that we were having this relaxed conversation and it turned into summat so deep. Also, like a lightbulb moment cos I thought the places were chalk and cheese but then when looking at it through her eyes, I remembered a key moment in the thing that happened where everyone was laughing and I was deadly serious and I was so uncomfortable that this whole room of people didn't get what I was experiencing and were laughing cos what I said was funny. 

Anyways, Debbie worked her magic and I was okay before I left. I did not hug her this time when I said bye cos I didn't wanna cry. That would've been bad and I didn't want her to worry about me. I am doing okay. The further away from my last bet I get the better I am. 

Also, I did tell her I was P****d off and sad all at the same time but I reserved the right to feel that way and she was okay with that. That was at the start though and I didn't feel like that at the end. 

When I got home I made me and Hubby some food and fed the dog. I watched The Chase then went to the Pub. 

I went on chat to say "10 minute warning" and it made me smile. I hope I don't get on the Mod's nerves with that. I feel like Teachers Pet when I do it. Makes me laff. 

I did some ducking and diving to get work finished by 9.30p.m. 

I took the dog to the park and now I'm watching cop shows. 

That is all. 

Drama x

You are so special. Please do not argue that you are not. I am right. You are a legend ?. Bring on 90 days 

Ongoing drama huh...nice read ?

Keep up good work with no gambling

S&B xx

Thank you Murlo, SB and Russ for your replies. 🙂 

My Day. 

I did not want to get outta bed this morning. Hubby woke me at 7:30 (which is fine as I had to travel to the office). However, my eyes were tight shut and didn't wanna open. The room was dark. He bought me my tea and pills and I necked it when I heard him coming back down at 8. Then he made me another and I necked that when he came at 8.30. I didn't have time for a bath. Just a shower in a can (spray of deodorant) and brushed my teeth and off to work. I got there for 9.45. 

I called on the way for a Bacon, Mushroom and Tomato sandwich. I got a coffee at work. 

I started at 10. I did a great job today. Only two reviews but they were real quality pieces of work. I had to give someone some constructive feedback. They messed up big. I had to report it to my TL and their TL and I was mindful of how they might receive it so I framed it in a kind way. However, they gotta pull their socks up. 

Second one I did was the exact opposite so I gave someone an award on a company feedback tool that we have. They earned it. 

I feel better just for getting some good work done. 

I went for lunch with my mate P. He was telling me about his stepchildren and the stuff he has to deal with them. It's funny stuff. He's early 30's and no kids prior to this last year getting with his new lassie so being a Dad/Authority figure is alien to him. I gave him some good advice to help with some situations he is facing. I told him about how I talked about him with Debbie and how he's a calming influence on me. He liked that. I could see him sort of grow taller with pride. It was real nice. He is a good lad. 

Um, I took Hubby to the pub after work for a couple. It was nice. I met a cute dog and shnooked her even though she'd been in the river and was stanky. I told her Mommy that I don't mind getting messy for puppy cuddles. They are totally worth it. She liked that. 

I did my two cleaning jobs but not to a high standard. I am tired. 

Hubby messaged me to say he'd accidentally used my amazon account to order a new gaming mouse for his computer. I did not come down in the last shower. I know the ordering process for amazon and he did not do it by accident. I need to be gamble free and take back the finances. I know his damage isn't as much as mine but it's not helpful when he spends without budgeting and he will only get worse. He's already talking about getting a loan for a car. I need to nip this is in the bud. However, I just want a bit more gamble free time under my belt before I do that. Just don't need the temptation right now and his messes are easier to manage than mine. 

I came home from cleaning and he's set up a small stereo in the front room with an FM transmitter to my computer so I can use it to broadcast music from my laptop because he knows I miss music with not having my phone. (I was happy to sacrifice it for peace of mind though). It was a nice suprise. I am happy with the set up and having tunes back. 

I am gonna watch a movie and go to bed. 

G'nite Gamcare Friends & Family. 

Drama

xoxoxox

Hello Hubby, welcome to my diary. 

I know he reads it. He says things often lately that give me clues and signs that he does. I told you all before that I have zero privacy in this house. It's an odd situation but I'm NOT going to stop posting here just because he spies on me. This place really helps me. I am not giving it up. He will either have to be honest about reading it or do one. There is no inbetween right now. 

I am confident he can't see my early posts about consent issues cos there would be Drama's if he could. He doesn't know how to navigate forums. Just spy on what content I upload cos he was a highly-qualified Data-Comms engineer. So it's more about the fact that he can see my recent content and all my chats. Otherwise I'd ask the forum admins to get rid of it. 

I had a good day. I WFH. 

I woke up to birdsong and natural light. This is the first time in a long time I have experienced this. I checked the clock cos I was scared I slept in but it was 8.30a.m and Hubby had opened the curtains so that's why it was nice and bright. I logged in from bed. 

I did some great work today. I got some messages from the lassie that I gave good feedback to yesterday. It seems our audit tool and their processes aren't aligned so I may be marking people down for stuff they aren't asked to do which isn't fair. This isn't for me or her to solve. I've escalated it to my leader and she's done the same. Thing is....I still gave her a great score and great feedback and she loved that. 

I went on a webex at 12 for an hour. It was about healthy eating for a healthy brain. Part of my new role as a Health and Wellbeing Champion. It was great. Like people always say eat 5 fruit or veg a day and stuff but it comes across as patronising cos they don't science the shiz out of it and talk about how your cell membrane can get brittle and your neurotransmitters then can't transmit messages in the same way. Or how your body reacts to sugar input with an insulin response and how over time with high sugar levels your body produces more insulin and stuff. It was great. I took alot from it and did a great shop today of healthy food. Nothing processed at all. I am gonna journal somewhere on the forum about what I learnt. Not sure where. I got some feedback from tonight's chat group but still undecided where is the best place. 

Um, I went and inspected someone's cleaning work for the cleaning boss this evening and it was below par so I fed that back. I wouldn't mind if I was doing an office job but we are talking places where really very sick people go so it's unacceptable to be lazy. You have to disinfect and mop and all that to make sure people don't get bugs when they are immune compromised. It bugs me that people can't recognise the importance of what they do. 

I took Hubby to the pub tonight. The noise was too much for me and I asked to leave. I can't tolerate lot's of voices and the buzz. It's too much. I can't explain why. It just makes me claustrophobic. The pub has been much busier before but with calmer people who talk normally. When they are all in drink and super loud, I really hate it and it affects me alot. 

Hubby drank up and we came home. 

I went on chat for a spell and it was lovely. Everyone was real supportive of each other and it makes me happy. 

Now I'm going to bed. Have done no cleaning jobs tonight cos I'm tired. I'll do them tommoz. 

Laters. 

Drama xxx

4 weeks gamble free, awesome ?

So. I understand I need to be first in the queue for a selfie. Whatever happened to autographs? Have I missed that decade (or two)?

Posted by: Murlo

4 weeks gamble free, awesome ?

So. I understand I need to be first in the queue for a selfie. Whatever happened to autographs? Have I missed that decade (or two)?

Murlo, we are pretty local. I have this feeling like we will meet and take selfies and stuff. We will go for coffee. I will learn you all about the ways of the modern day youth. Only when I am well though. I really do wish to be a positive influence on your recovery. I will stay strong and we will go shopping or summat. Whatever. x

Love you pal. 

Drama x

You are already a positive influence on my recovery, that hasn’t ever been in doubt. I will spend the next few months learning the art of selfies ?

d**n...of you're local to Murlo this means you're local to me too (Murlo is my neighbour ya know ??).

Tripple selfie me thinks when we all meet for a cuppa! ??

Saturday. 

I was real wobbly last night. I gave Hubby my phone like normal (for these days) but I still really wanted to gamble. I reckon it's just a kneejerk thing cos of not having Debbie anymore. Hubby came down for a brew and I gave him the bankcards and he looked worried and I'm like don't be, I'm giving you them cos I'm just making sure I'm super safe tonight.  Also, very drunk last night. I drank a whole bottle of wine. I bought it as part of my MIND diet thing but I didn't just have one small glass, I had the whole bottle. I only normally drink wine at Christmas and Easter cos I have the time off work to recover and I know it gets me super squiffy for some reason so yeah....bad choice. 

I am ever so grateful to the lady on the Helpline who just talked to me whilst I was in the zone. The thing is....my barriers these days are pretty strong BUT if I wanna gamble like I did last night then I know I will eventually find a way so it was real good to like talk it out. I HATE being needy. I feel like an absolute loon but I got over the thing and I'm okay now. I'm nearly on day 30. This is really very good. 

I had a horrid hangover today. Like I'd finished a fridge pack off. I didn't feel very well till maybe 3pm. 

My team weren't playing today so I had no Football. 

I made a berrie smoothie today but it wasn't a very nice texture. Blackberries and Blueberries and Raspberries (a punnet of each) plus some orange juice to make it more liquid. It was still super thick. Like drinking bramble jelly. I used to love that when I was a kid but 41 y/o me thought it was sickly sweet and horrible. I had a weird sugar rush after that made me feel shaky. I didn't enjoy it. I have maybe a pint of it left but maybe I'll save it for after the Gym. 

I logged onto work at 4pm and worked till 8pm. I will do another hour or two tommoz. 

I went on chat for a spell. Everyone was lovely and supportive. It's nice to see new people settling in and enjoying it. Shout out to Debbie x

The ChatMod said summat about food replacing gambling which is real odd to me. I know I posted about the MIND diet on the forum but I don't see how food can ever replace the rush that you get from gambling. It's so exciting. Food is just food. She was talking about the dopamine you get from it but I just don't see the similarity at all. I will take this up with her next time she mods. I do love a good debate. 

I had to go take Hubby to see a man about a dog so left chat early. 

We took the dog for a walk over some Football fields and met this guy. I was glad I was not alone cos it's a real rough estate and not nice. The dog enjoyed the walk though. 

I took Hubby to the pub. Then we just got home and I'm going to bed shortly. 

I don't feel wobbly at all. Which is nice. 

Roll on day 30. 🙂

Drama x

Oh....I forgot! I downloaded that Allen Carr book this morning when I was in bed cos people on the forum recommended it. I am not a very patient person. I got two chapters in and it's like this Director of summat or other talking about how great Allen Carr is for two chapters. Like yeah, fab, he gave up smoking a hundred cigs a day and now applies that logic to any addiction, are you EVER going to tell me how he did it?!!! Totally got on my wick. 

It's like for two chapters it was just the Allen Carr fan club. 

Maybe I'll try it at bedtime. Least I know I'll get off to sleep. Boring AF. I prolly should reserve judgement till I've heard some more but it's not my cuppa tea so far. 

D x

Hi Remember,

You're a good egg. Stay away from gambling & you're a lovely caring person. I'd love to see you get your law degree & my gut feeling tells me you'll get there.

Be Strong

AL

I am going to have a go at eating foods from the MIND diet list. I will post what I eat with my diary updates. I reckon it will be hard because there are so many things I don’t like but that’s just an excuse I think. Thanks for posting it ?

Posted by: Murlo

I am going to have a go at eating foods from the MIND diet list. I will post what I eat with my diary updates. I reckon it will be hard because there are so many things I don’t like but that’s just an excuse I think. Thanks for posting it ?

You are very welcome Murlo. I like the fact that it's science and not preaching. Makes me wanna give it a bash. 

I am treating it like an experiment. If I do it for the month of February cos it's a nice short month and I see some benefit in my Mental Health from doing it, then I haven't really lost ought. 

I am not perfect by any stretch but this feels like this is a little challenge that I can do and one of them self-care things that the mod's always talk about. 

I look forward to hearing about your own "toe-in-the-water" experiments with healthy eating too. 

Drama x