[Closed] My Last Bad Day

Another good day. Have noticed that days without gambling are usually good ones. I'm learning. 

I saw summat on a prayer card today. It was summat about St. Benedict talking about how nothing is so inconsistent with the life of a Christian than laziness. Have decided to replace this with the message in my brain which was about how you can't serve both money and God. It's been keeping me away from Church. There's no way anyone could call me lazy ever! So ergo, I must be a good Christian. It makes me happy. 

I went to the office today and achieved alot. I feel really good. 

I did 3 cleaning jobs tonight. They were pretty clean already so I did the necessary and left each one early. Hope I don't get caught. 

I was miles away from the park when I finished my 3rd job but my dog loves her sniffs at the park so I drove there to give her a short walk. She's super happy and smiley. It was so worth it when everything in my being wanted to just drive the short way home. I am glad I did it. 

Me and Hubby just played catch with the dog as piggy in the middle and then we played with the laser pen. Now my little lady is curled up by the fire having a nap. 

Oooo get this, I had no money this morning. I forgot to go to the bank yesterday and never have time in the morning. I was cursing myself for forgetting and saying to Jesus that I was hungry and I put my hand in my pocket and there was £2 in it. It was my little miracle. I rejoiced and bought a spam and mushroom buttie. Bloody filthy beautiful sandwich. 

For dinner I went to Sainsbury's and got some Chicken and a Ceasar Salad Pack. My bosses boss thinks I'm posh cos I eat off a plate. I didn't know how to react to that. I always like to put my dinner on a plate. 

Like I said, all round good day. No gambling urges. Don't regret my actions as it's all a learning curve. I learned that I definitely am not cured and reacting to upset by gambling makes nothing better. 

N'nite

Drama

xoxoxo

I'm gonna tell you a story. 

I went to the swimming baths with a friend and her big sister when I was about 8. I can't swim. I was in the shallow end. It was a busy day at the pool and the activity in the pool sort of created waves that carried me out of my depth. I was touching the bottom then bouncing up and breathing then going under again. My friends big sister noticed me in trouble when I was about half way towards the deep end doing this bouncing and jumping thing that I had going on. She swam alongside and asked if I was okay and I kicked off the bottom and said I was fine. I bounced and kicked a few more times till I reached the edge and pulled myself out. This is the extent to which I will not ask for help when I need it. I will happily drowned rather than say I am in difficulty. 

Tonight I was in difficulty but I used the Gamcare Helpline and chatted to an adviser. I told her I was having a wobble and she just talked to me till I got through it. 

I am breaking old habits. 

I no longer would rather downed than ask for help. 

I should say that's a positive thing!

G'nite Godbless. 

Drama

xoxoxo

The less said about the weekend the better. 

Good news though, I haven't smoked for two days. Been caning them under the counter cigarettes but had a really rough cough yesterday so decided if I can't afford to smoke proper cigs, I'm not smoking at all. Hubby has cleared away all smoking paraphernalia from the house and is back to just smoking in his mancave. He's okay with that cos he says I have little lungs and shouldn't smoke. Noone should really though, it's not the point. It's a nice stress reliever. Still I don't smell and I can breathe, this is good. 

Someone who said she works with Debbie called today to check in with me but I wasn't expecting the call and it threw me massively and gave me big anxiety. I'd just called Hubby down for an egg salad sandwich and didn't want to find myself in the middle of a therapy chat with him around. He went nuts once about counselling. Shouldn't be scared though. That's naff but I was so I put her off till tommoz when I'm in the office. She's calling at lunch so I'll talk to her when I'm going for a walk to Sainsbury's. 

It's payday Wednesday. I can't wait. I am getting my shares that I cashed in paid through my wages for the big job and I've worked 3 cleaning jobs the last two weeks so all in all, the bills will be paid and we'll be out of the overdraft. Yay! I hope this relieves some stress and stops me doing daft stuff. Next cleaning payday I will get 3 weeks cleaning Holiday pay cos I haven't taken it. That's gonna pay for Whitby plus spending money. I just can't reiterate enough to myself that I need to not be silly now. 

It's also my Wedding anniversary on Wednesday (16 years). We have no plans. I guess we'll just do stuff when we get to Whitby in a few weeks and that can count as the celebration. I did buy Hubby a really nice mans weekend luggage roller suitcase thing that I found in a charity shop. It's lovely and he's suited with it. 

Drama x

I literally upset everyone in America tonight by saying I dislike that Eco-Warrior kid. Everyone hates me. I like this. It gives me permission to do things. I can do things and it's not my fault. It's their fault for hating me. You don't know. 

Woke up this morning to hear Hubby saying "I spose I better go make you a cup of tea because you won't get yourself out of bed, will you?!"  Anyway, this really upset me. The only thing I ask him to do is wake me with a cuppa tea and my pills. He used to be up anyway and he moaned so much about my alarm clock that I stopped using it. I feel like he really resents this task. Well, I resent working 3 jobs and come home to cook your dinner. Anyway, i didn't say ought other than, I'll get myself up thanks and just sprang out of bed, threw on yesterdays clothes and grabbed both cleaning jobs keys and my laptop bag and went to work. I cried the whole way there. Felt super low. Saw some messages written on the bridge near work that are sposed to stop suicidal people topping themselves but they just upset me. Things like "you are loved" and "you will be missed". Just hacked me off really. Everyone I saw I was like "no I'm not" or "thats *insert your own expletive*"

Was in a right state by the time I got to work. Boss was worried but I told him to chill that I'd just had a verbal with him indoors and I was fine (but I wasn't). 

I had a pre-arranged tea date with my mate Paul at 10.30 so I spilled my guts to him. He's a great listener and really non-judgemental. I felt alright then. 

A lady counsellor who works with Debbie called me at lunch and spilled my guts to her and had a good cry. 

I know it's a teeny tiny thing but it's all the teeny tiny things that I have to do and I feel like what are you actually doing with your day? and why are you always cross with me about something? 

Just got in from work not long back. Hubby was in bed sleeping. Poor dog was sat downstairs in the dark. I'm gonna take her to cleaning work with me. Gonna start just getting myself up in the morning. If I'm told off once for a loud alarm clock noise I will flip my noodle! 

Drama. 

Finished work! Yay! Been to the park with the dog. She tried to get in a little old ladies car because she thought it was mine I think. Luckily the old lady liked dogs so there was no bother. 

I went to the shop and got some beans and some f**s and some money out. I'm gonna quit quitting smoking cos I'm just upsetting everyone. Baby steps I guess. 

Hubby has decided to be my friend again. Which is nice but it was a big waste of time and he has no clue how upset I get with everything. 

I am making him some food and then I'm off to bed. 

Dear Lord, Please make tomorrow quieter and more normal. 

Drama x

Sad to read that Drama's feeling a little glum

Cooking up a supper to put in hubby's tum

She works her little socks off and doesn't like to moan

So walks her dog in the park where her thoughts are hers alone

Reformer x 

Redeemer! I love you pal. You brighten up my day. Thank you x

Happy Wedding Anniversary 

Wishing you and your husband a lovely day sharing fond memories and celebrating 16 years of marital bliss.

I just closed my eyes and telepathically sent you a bunch of flowers, some rather delicious chocolates and a bone for the dog.

Stephen x 

Thank you for the flowers! Haha, I never get flowers. That was cute. x

I had a lovely day. Just what I wanted. Peaceful and quiet with no upset. I went to bed early last night and slept right through to the alarm so I instantly feel much better just for that. Hubby forgot to bring me my pills but I remembered them at 3pm so I haven't missed them. 

He said Happy Anniversary when he woke up which was much nicer than how he was yesterday. 

It's payday today. I got paid a fortune (relatively speaking). I have paid off some of my catalogue and orders some new bras and panties and a pink sweater dress. I told myself cos I really ummed and arred about spending that I wouldn't have given two seconds thought about gambling that money away so I should treat myself. It will all turn up on Friday. I am happy. 

I went to Church with Hubby and the dog at lunchtime. I played Pokemon and they had a run around the grounds. Then we went to Lidl's. I spent £25. Most I've spent in ages. I got some salmon and prawns and crayfish tails. I made him salmon and prawn cocktail on panini bread and I had salmon and crawfish tails with seafood sauce and cayenne pepper. I gave a bit to the dog but she turned her nose up at the crawfish tails. I had to pick out the salmon for her. It was so nice to have a tasty treat instead of like cheap 80p tuna and cucumber because of gambling. 

I bought stuff to make beef stew for tea and Hubby's had that and really enjoyed it. I didn't eat ought cos I'm not hungry. 

My day job boss has run out of work for me which is a weird situation cos I've never run out of work before. I did some studying cos I hate being idle. 

I missed seeing Debbie today. I am looking forward to her being back next week. 

My two cleaning jobs were super easy. They were still mostly clean from yesterday because I put a shift in. I left the last job early and went to the park. I was just in the middle of a Pokemon battle when the security guard came to lock up. He fell in love with my dog and wanted to chat so I had to bail on my game and talk to him but it's okay cos he's an actual human being with thoughts and feelings and more important than a game. Felt good to be kind.

I am glad to challenge my negative thinking on bad days and make it through to good days like today. It's totally worth it. 

I have no gambling thoughts at all. No urges or feelings about it. I hope that continues long into the future. 

I don't regret my slip. I think it's taught me that I am really a problem gambler and gambling solves none of my problems. 

I hope you are all well. 

Love from Drama xoxoxo

Came home from the office early. My boss is off. Noone has any work for me to do. I was bored. 

My other boss wants me to cover for this lass who's a sicknote who goes sick all the time. It drives me up the wall the lame excuses she comes up with. I'd of sacked her months ago. Anyway, so he says he's trying to find other cover but I suspect it will be down to me. So once again another 6 hour evening. Not sure if I'll post an update later. Hence why I'm doing it now. 

My jumper dress turned up. I spilt tea on it already. I've sponged it off but honestly I'm such a clutz. 

I'm gonna WFH tommoz and just do my OU study. It's better than doing nowt all day. 

No gambling thoughts at all. 🙂 

Drama x

I finished work in super quick time by ducking and diving and basically being naughty but I don't care. I am tired. It feels good to be home early. 

I called the credit card company at teatime. I was super anxious about doing that but it's all sorted now. I'm grateful to have the dosh to be able to get it back into the limit and have set up a DD for future payments. 

I took the dog to the park but there was some dodgy characters hanging around in the dark so I didn't stay very long. Just long enough for her to do her business. 

Hope you are all well. 

Drama x

I worked from home today. Did not do much of anything but watch movies. Nice to relax but still feels strange not having deadlines and targets and stuff. Can't wait to be working properly. 

Me and Hubby went to Church with the dog and then Lidl's to get some shopping. I just bought junk food really. Biscuits and Doughnuts and Sweets and Crisps and well...you get the picture but we'd completely run out of snack foods so it felt great to stock up. 

I went to cleaning job no. 1 and was done in an hour so I locked up and went to the park with the dog (did not set the alarm, just locked the doors). 

Then I went to cleaning job no. 2 and did it. Then I went back to cleaning job no. 1 to set the alarm and lock up again. I pulled in really fast cos I'm used to it being empty and this skinny lassie was fussing over her worldly possessions and I really startled her. She apologised to me and was trying to scoop them up. I went in and set the alarm and then locked up. Summat made think that summat about her situation wasn't right and I should ask. She was scurrying off down the road (weighed down with all her stuff). I said excuse me, but are you okay. She was like crying and said no she'd had a fight with her friend. I asked if I could help. She said she was trying to get to [nearby Town] I was like, I'll give you a lift and reassurred her that my dog is only a barker and won't hurt her and then I gave her a lift to where she wanted. It was a long old drive. Given I was ducking and diving my work jobs to finish early, but never mind. 

This lassie when I dropped her off said that she believes in Karma and said some good Karma is coming my way. I don't actually believe in Karma as such cos I believe in God but I like that she maybe feels like some good Karma came her way. 

Hubby is cross that I gave a stranger a lift and said she could've been a nutter and I could've been murdered. I feel bad for him that he can't see that doing nice things for people is good and not everyone in the world is out to hurt people. 

No gambling thoughts today. Had an urge last night but I slammed my computer shut and went to bed. 

That is all. 

Drama x

Sometimes I read my diary back and I realise I have come along way from that very first day. It makes me happy. I feel like I am growing as a person. I am not perfect but I am really trying to live my best life. The troubles I have are just for now and not forever. 

Posted by: DramaLlama

Sometimes I read my diary back and I realise I have come along way from that very first day. It makes me happy. I feel like I am growing as a person. I am not perfect but I am really trying to live my best life. The troubles I have are just for now and not forever. 

Keep going, day by day .well done