[Closed] My Last Bad Day

I didn't get out of bed till after Midday. Was nice. Hubby brought me breakfast in bed. 

I got ready and went to the Football. We drew 1-1. That made a refreshing change. 

Met Hubby at the Supermarket and we got some stuff for tea then went to the pub. He'd already walked the dog. 

We had a few beers in the Pub. Dunno how to describe being home without being gross. He has tummy troubles that he refuses to see the Doctor about. It's made worse by drinking beer. I sat outside the loo when we got home hearing him struggling. 

I asked him when he opened the door, are you bleeding from down there? He said yes. I said he really needs to talk to the Doctor about it. He has agreed he'll come with me when I have my mental health check up in 8 weeks time. I hope he sticks to it. I'd rather he goes now but I'll take 8 weeks. 

I really feel like gambling but am trying not to give in to it. 

That is all. 

Drama x

Keep your guard up Drama for it really is not cool

To turn your thoughts to gambling because hubby has blood in his stool

Self destruction does not help the cause in any way

You might feel better after a good nights sleep, come dawn on a brand new day

Stephen, thank you so much. I can't express how much I want to gamble right now. I feel like there aren't enough words to explain my urges. I am not giving in. It's just not worth it. It doesn't change anything. I really get it now. Bad things happen for everybody. I am not special. Bad things happen in my life. Gambling is just a useless escape from it all. Moff to bed now pal cos it's better than staying up testing myself. 

Love you mate. Take care of you. 

Drama x

Thankyou Drama. You try so hard and are doing really well.

Something which causes concern can be a trigger for gambling thoughts to arise but we know that.

I do believe we can see things differently from one day to the next or one week to the next. There was a time when I couldn't imagine life without a cigarette but now I hate the filthy habit and will walk away from anyone who is smoking.

They say time is a great healer and I suppose that applies to recovery from any addiction.

Nite nite. Sweet dreams.

Stephen x 

Had major wobbles last night. Talked them through with someone from GC on the old chat thing. Worked it out and calmed down and went to bed but I couldn't sleep. 

Got up. Had a G&T. A big one. Poured another, then another, both very big. Then I just gambled. I guess I kinda felt like this is all a waste of energy worrying about it and I might aswell just do it and go to bed and I did feel better after. Like, there that's that then and went to sleep. I dunno. It's hard to put your finger on an exact reason. Everything just feels like a weak excuse. I mean, a Lion doesn't explain why it goes and kills a Gazelle. It is what it is and does it what it does to feed it's hunger. 

I really wish I'd never done gambling ever. I didn't realise you could get addicted to it. I got Heroin once at a mates flat. Bunch of us were there and one lad pulled out this Brown and said who wants to smoke it. I said no way! because I know it's addictive and girls that do it end up on the game. Out of respect for me they all went in the other room to smoke it and I sat there by myself. When they came back in they were all really itchy and laughing about being itchy. I did not get what the thrill was with it. 

When I went back to visit an old school friend that lived there she had been befriended by a lad and a lass who were getting her on speed. I watched while they injected her with it then she went on a mad'un super cleaning her flat. I just didn't get the point of it. I called her Mum and Stepdad. Told them what I'd seen and they got her out that night. I was about 17 then. She didn't talk to me for 10 years. Totally worth it. She's a happy business woman and housewife now living a lovely life. She's never said thanks for doing that but I know as an adult that she probably understands it. 

Back to gambling. If I ever had an inkling that a person could get addicted to it, I would never have touched it. Not at all. Fact is, I am addicted to it and it's on me to fix this. Noone is gonna make a call to help me. My family don't care. 

My Husband is sick and so enabled that he just needs me to be the strong one. I cannot be this weak creature that I have become. I can't afford it either. 

I blew £50. I've figured if I park outside of my work town and walk in and skip dinners this week, I can use one of them payslips in the bank to pay the money back to my credit card company without Hubby knowing. I hate going hungry but it's a common theme when I gamble. I think it's why I'm so food obsessed in recovery. 

I have money left in my gambling account. They rung me when I was walking the dog today to offer me a bonus and remind me I have money left. It's taking all my strength not to play with it cos it's a big old waste of time and I'll never get that money back. I'd have to play for weeks to meet the bonus terms. I don't have the energy. 

I just need to forget about it. 

Drama. 

I'm a bit tired. I stayed up till 1a.m doing the thing. Hubby woke me at 6a.m because he'd been up not very well in the night and wanted to go back to bed so he'd woke me up early so he could do that. I am running on fumes now. 

I went to the office. Boss had no work for me. I just told him straight. I said I don't mean to be rude but I'm incredibly bored. I says I've got Uni work I can be doing so can I do that please and he said yeah. So I spent the morning learning about contracts. It was very good. I was reading some cases about when someone is a guarantor of a loan vs providing an indemnity and how people try and get out of paying. I was like this is all semantics really then when it got to the high court judges decisions the first judge said that the argument was really all about semantics and I felt absolutely awesome for thinking the same as a high court judge. 

This afternoon I had some work to do. The system wasn't working. They've bunched two different type of reviews into one file system and I know the system very well. I said to the administrator of the support people that you can't have data sets with different questions and volumes of data. You're asking too much of the system. I don't write code or know about mapping programs but I know this much. He said you're spot on, we need to seperate them out and thanked me for my email. He hadn't realised that's what people were trying to do because he only looks at the data, not the reviews. Hard to explain but I felt way good for giving people the answer. 

I chose not to use the system this aft. I just reviewed files and made written notes. I'll backfill it all later. 

I got home later than usual due to traffic. Went to cleaning late but the nice lady that likes me hadn't set the alarm so I managed to catch up with my evening. Got home for 9.30. 

I have been thinking while I was cleaning about what I can do to stop the cycle of gambling and hit on a really obvious thing. I was doing alright till I turned off the K9 blocker. I don't want that back cos it blocked perfectly safe sites like Youtube but I'm gonna install Gamban. I chatted the helpline to see if I could get a promo code or summat cos I'm sure someone told me about that but they are obvs busy tonight so I'll do it tommoz instead. 

I fed Hubby some Chicken and Chips. 

Oh about my plan for paying off my card. I managed to scrape together nearly £20 by doing the laundry last night and emptying pockets and handbags of change and stuff. What I did was took £30 out the bank, paid that off my card. Walked to work from a mile or two away where it was free to park and skipped breakfast and dinner. If Hubby asks what I spent the £30 on, I can show him that I've nearly £20 of change and obvs paid for parking and breakfast and dinner that I never had. It's sneaky sneaky and I'm not proud. I am genuinely just trying to be honest somewhere. 

Anyway, I will sort some blocking software for +18 sites that only blocks them and not innocent sites and I will somehow give up my credit card to Hubby because I am enabling myself to gamble with it. 

That is all. 

Drama. 

I DID IT!!! 

I tried the online chat help thing one more time and spoke to a nice lady. I explained that I'd heard I could get a code for Gamban and she was like yup! and she gave me a code. I chatted to her some more cos I was super keen to leave the chat so other people could get help and she was like it's okay if you chat for a while. I told her some super private things about how I've been doing and she talked to me and I feel okay about it. Then when I was calm, I left the chat and installed Gamban and then I tested it and IT WORKS! 

YES! 

I am jumping for joy in my tummy. I can still get on Youtube and watch all my NatGeo stuff and Police shows and stuff but no more gambling for me. 

Gosh I'm so happy I could burst. 

I hope when this free thing runs out that I'm in a happier spot and it doesn't matter anymore but for right now this is absolutely perfect! 

Um, gonna stop talking now. I'm being a bit silly but I am very happy. 

N'nite Godbless Everybody. 

Drama

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXXOXOXOXOXO

Can't frame my thoughts today. They are all over the shop. This is kind of how it went.

Brain: Hey fancy playing over that memory from 1987. 

Me: No thanks. 

Brain: How about that really awful thing that happened in 1996, what about that?

Me: *sigh*

Anyway, so I had a weird dream last night where one of my girlfriends gave birth to a cat that looked like Felix the Cat. She rejected it at birth because....well....it was a cat and she wanted a baby and I adopted it and called it Drama and I loved it and it was my best friend. Now I want to adopt a cat but I'm deathly allergic to them so that's never gonna happen. 

I worked from home today because I didn't sleep well. I logged on at 10. I have done NOTHING all day. Read about 3 files but just because of how my brain is I couldn't do ought. 

I went to cleaning job no. 2 first and saw a lady there I haven't seen for weeks. She looked terrible. She lost her Mum and her Hubby had an accident when a blade of an angle grinder broke and slashed his neck. He's lucky to be alive. She thinks she's come back to work too soon. I gave her a big cuddle and to do what's right for her and take it easy. 

Went to job no. 1. Did an okay job. Left 30 minutes early. Guy there was trying to tap me up to work directly for them but I told him I can't afford to drop the other job. Not prolly for a year. He seemed dissapointed. 

Hubby wanted to go to the pub after work but I said no. I'm worried about his tummy. I've booked him an appointment with me for 8 weeks time. He has stubbornly refused to go to the Doctors cos he was cross they won't just give him his prescription without a check-up. I calmly explained that it's NHS best-practise. I said they may have new more suitable medicines for you or they may need to up your dose. I said they can't just keep doling out medicines for months without making sure it's the right thing for you. He accepted that and realised that it's a sensible procedure. Thing is he's out of inhalers for his COPD and Gaviscon for the resulting acid reflux that he gets because of all the coughing and I'm sure that's why he's having the blood problems. 

I shall keep him away from beer as much as possible. Just till he's back on all his meds. It's for the best. 

I'm still gonna drink though. I haven't got COPD. Although, I did buy two packs of under the counter cigarettes from the local shop so it prolly won't be long till I get it.

No gambling thoughts. I have tested the Gamban thing but not out of badness, just checking it's working. It is. 

Good! 

That is all. 

Drama

Oh and I ate some chicken pasta today. It was gross. I threw it away. 

Not gambling is really hard. 

Morning Drama. Wishing you well and hope you have a lovely day. Thankyou so much for popping by my diary, you really are a little treasure.

I had a surprise yesterday. When out shopping I purchased some handwash and it was called "Drama Llama." I thought it was really cool that they had named it after our very own super duper gamcare warrioress.

Hope your husband gets his medical issues sorted out. He needs to understand that you worry about him and he needs to seek medical help if only to put your mind at rest.

Stephen x 

Stephen, you make me smile. I hope your new soap keeps you super duper clean! Lol. 

Today was difficult. I was anxious about seeing Debbie. I was shaky and it was really obvious because Hubby noticed. He was really worried about me. It was nice he was worried because it's nice to be cared about but I really tried hard to control my anxiety so he didn't worry too much. It can't be good for his health. I really felt like gambling but I can't cos I've installed blockers. This is a good thing. 

I worked from home. I did no work. 

I saw Debbie this aft. I won't say all of what we talked about cos it's triggering and sad but I wore my baseball cap so I didn't have to look at her eyeballs. I told her so. I said I daren't look at you and tell you what I've done. She was like what do you think will happen and I said that I'll get locked up. In a mental asylum. She asked why I thought that and I explained that's where my Mum used to go when she was nuts and I'm properly nuts. Debbie reassured me that I'm not getting locked up so I felt happier talking to her. 

Um, last night I went on a prayer group linked to my Church and asked for them to pray for me. I told them all about my badness and someone added me today on FB as a result. He spent the night talking about liturgical stuff and I thought he cared but then he ended the convo with asking about whether me and Hubby still have s*x. Or maybe I ended the convo because he asked about that. There is no reason to ask about that that I can think of. I haven't blocked him yet. I don't know if I'm being over sensitive but I am really wondering why he's asking about our s*x life. What the hell has it got to do with anything? 

I don't know what to do. Do I block this guy? Does anyone else think it's a weird question to ask?

I am lost. Sorry. 

Drama x

Hello Drama

The guy was definitely out of order and really needs putting in his place. Totally inappropriate for him to ask you personal questions when you were just seeking spiritual reassurance.

Drama is a lady who might be a bit confused

But she don't need no oddball getting in her shoes

Our lady is a champion both sensitive and pure

Inside her is a shining light of that I am quite sure

Nite nite sweet dreams

Stephen x 

Thank-you Stephen. I blocked him. It was out of order. x

Yesterday after counselling. I took Hubby to the pub (I know I said I wouldn't but it's really hard). Anyway, so we're in the beer garden and I got chatting to a lovely young lass about the book she reading, Lara by Bernadine Evaristo. It's about a mixed race lady and the story of both sides of her family told through verse. This young lass was mixed race and was really passionate about retelling the story. She told me how she taught ESOL at the college and I told her about working with an Asylum Support Service at Church. We were really just getting along great and bonding. Then Hubby piped up with how he hates that everything has to printed in several different languages and how immigrants should be made to speak English and loads of other racist comments. I have no idea where it came from or why but I told him I disagreed. This young lassie that I was making friends with drunk up real quick and left and I don't blame her. 

I dunno if he was doing it because I was making a friend or doing it because he does genuinely believe in those racist things he said but it was bang out of order. I told him I really uncomfortable with what just happened and it wasn't right. 

Last night I was on the Helpline chat thing getting some support and he yelled at me from the bedroom that it was bedtime and in no uncertain terms COME TO BED! I just ended the chat real hasty and ran up to bed. I've been thinking about it alot today like why I always give up the fight or what I want. I dunno. It's not right. I read some of that stuff the admin sent me a few weeks ago about Womens Aid. It was a real eye-opener but scary to think about making decisions and stuff. 

I didn't have a great day at work. Really hard to focus. 

I am gonna WFH tommoz and hopefully have a bit of a lie-in. 

Also, really dwelled on why that guy picked on me when I'm clearly feeling very vulnerable. I think he just wanted to get in my pants and that makes me wanna cry. Why am I such a victim? 

I really wanted to gamble last night but didn't so that's good. At least I gave myself time to think through all the thoughts today. No conclusions. Just glad my thoughts are straight for a change. 

Drama. 

Oh and I told Hubby about the guy that chatted me and he got cross. Like it was my fault for chatting with strangers on the internet. That upset me too. Like I've told him he needs to be my emotional support but he's the very last person I can talk to about anything because he always gets cross with me. I didn't do anything wrong. I was chatting about the bible and whether confession is really from God or just a Catholic construct to alleviate guilt. It's not like I invited talk about s*x. 

I am really quite upset. I normally gamble right about now. 

I really want to. Alot. 

Drama.