My life with addiction

day@atime wrote: Recovery truely is the gift that keeps giving. 1 year ago tomorrow something happened that i didnt know at the time would enhance my recovery & strengthen my motivation for change in quite the way it has. Claire walked through the doors of GA for the 1st time. Nothing unusual in this, people come into GA all the time, but the circumstances of this meeting were a little strange. England were playing their final match at the Euros it was win or they were out if i remember correctly. It was talked about the previous week & it was evident most woiud be watching the game rather than attend the meeting. I opened up anyway hoping no one would come & if a few they would be regulars & we could probably quickly see if there were any major issues then swiftly nip into the pub up the road to watch the game. No one came, i sat alone for 10 minutes quietly relieved. I took the decision to lock up when i spotted a distressed looking woman & someone who looked like he could be father come around the corner. In truth i willed them to walk on by, my wants & desires still my default setting. They didnt, they asked is this GA. I replied it was & invited them in. We sat & talked for about an hour. I think Claire cried almost the whole time. Her Dad sat confused & concerned for his daughter. Claire tried as best she could to get the words out but the emotion got the better of her. So we talked through some of the barriers Claire & her Father could put into place to aid her in the early stages of her recovery. I told her a little of my story, gave her some literature & wished her well & that i hoped to see her next week. I informed her there were usually around 15 in the meeting & although we occasionally saw female members they were rare. I never expected to see her again. The next week she returned alone. She explained she just wanted to listen, that she didnt want to speak in front of the others, i assured her that was fine. I have never seen anybody more terrified. So shy & timid. Confidence stripped by addiction. This continued for weeks then months. Slowly but surely Claire began to talk more, to feel more at ease amongst a group of men. As the months passed Claire came every week, other women turned up & stayed because they felt more at ease at not being the only one there. We now have four regular female members, they come most weeks because of one reason..Claire. It has humbled me to see the incredible bravery of this women. To turn up every week when i know it must have filled her with dread to is inspiring. Her courage has given the opportunity for others an easier introduction to recovery. Without doubt the single most couragous committment to recovery i have ever witnessed in GA. Claire i would like you to know you inspire me to be better & for that i thank you. Dan x One Breath One Step One Day At A Time

Beautiful Dan

thanks for the gift

Hi Dan,

Thanks for your post, truly huge change from your usual tough love and made me cry.. (just a little 😉 ). I guess you know what you're on about, i don't expect people to understand my emotions. I think im crazy quite often, not seeing the light and so pessimistic. My moods can change every minute, this is hard to explain also...you gotta see it to believe it lol..just now come bk from the run and feel maybe 2% better than few hours ago..
I've been all failure in my life...druggie, bulimic,alcoholic ( which i still fight until now), suicidal person. I have changed a little now, but not as much as i would like to. How do i know that gambling is only a escape route? Well, as you see, i have tried all other "soothing" routes before, as everything, they worked only short term..same as gambling, short term relief...obviously not the way out and only brings more misery on the way.
you are right, peace is what I'm looking for. Does seem unachievable, but i will keep trying. I was never surrounded by love and care from my young age...yes, my Dad helped me to understand what care and security means, he was just never around enough to help me to strengthen that belief..but he helped me loads in that quest. I sometimes wonder that i don't even know how to express my feelings..care and love doesn't come easy for me because how can you show it if you are not willing to start with yourself?..it comes from within i guess.

Anyway, rambling here. Thank you for your thought provoking post. Gave me more than you could imagine.

Stay on the road of freedom and senerity, i for one am very happy for you and know that it can be done.

Sandra x

Hi Mr polite and compassionate soul 🙂
Thanks for your post once again, who would of thought that two so different people would have so much in common huh.
addictions comes and goes in my life and i freat of what's next sometimes... wouldn't complain if had excessive cleaning bug lol

I put many blocks down to arrest this addiction, not enough indeed cause i just drove to "bells and whistles land" and spend a tenner..tenner is nothing comparing what will come next mentally. Weirdly i like pain. I always think that's what i deserve, beating stick is never enough and pain gives me relief also...sort of perfect excuse to isolate and join self pitty party.
to be honest felt it coming and even if had my phone out about to text someone "PLEASE HEEEELLLPPP" it never happened cause i already knew from the beginning that it's a matter of time...can i moderate this addiction? ..i did stop my bad habits for nearly 5 yrs now so i guess everything is possible..but on the other hand it's a lot to do with my mind as i just experienced myself...one wrong step/place/company..and i could be snorting white S***e again!
I think i am obsessed by evil right now lol..scary but also challenging how much worse i am ready to go down, another ramble as i see...as they say...best hit the road Jack 🙂

Thanks for your posts..and just look at this angelic Sandra destroying herself slowly and painfully...ohh..well..There's is always tomorrow to start again right!

Later soldier!
i will keep trying and yup..its still me i guess 🙂

Thanks Dan,

i shall try this approach in future 🙂

Keep up the good work yourself! Be proud, you're making that most important change 🙂

Sandra x

Hi Dan,

Yes patience is one of the things I am working on lol.

Thanks for your support as always, your knowledge and wisdom inspire me more than you know.

Have a great gambling free day.

Suzanne xxx

Hi Dan

Why do people gamble compulsively?
It has been said humans have four basic emotional needs. Affection, approval,recognition & self confidence. When these needs are not meet people feel inadequate & overwhelmed by life.
Gambling may appear, for a short time at least, to fulfill or at least mask these needs.

Most addicts would rather die than honestly face themselves & many actually do.
The principles & Fellowship of Gamblers Anonymous has helped tens of thousands of compulsive gamblers walk this difficult path.

For those who continue to struggle, why not check out your local meeting. Give it your full commitment for 90 days & i would be very surprised if your life hadnt improved. Its very difficult to solve a problem with the mind that created it in the first place. Why not take some advice from others who have the strength, hope & experience of having trod this most difficult of roads.

One Breath
One Step
One Day At A Time

I

Dan you seem to know a bit more about GA. If I go to a group thats like this what should I do?

There's no structure to the meeting. No registar, not much literature. I've tried talking to others in the group and they say thats the way they've always done it.

I get told I can go to another meeting if i don't like it but that's not always practical due to work and family commitments.

Any ideas

Sorry Dan, I'm after a bit of guidance too...You may have mentioned it but is God your higher power? I am pretty comfortable living with Mr Gamble @ the moment but I think I'm very much living in the challenge of joining the 3% club & I want to be prepared for when that happens. I have perused the 12 step program from time to time over these last few months & the 'higher power' always makes me very anxious! I cannot make amends to all the people I harmed & that makes me sad 🙁 Sad I can do, I bought it on myself! I am loathe to ask the big man upstairs for any 'favours' partly because I only go to him when I want something but more because I don't want to wear his generosity out (I need him in times of illness)! Sorry if this sounds a bit daft. I have recently considered attending a meeting but I'm pretty sure someone else on here was @ that meeting you went to & as if I needed an excuse not to give it a shot, there was one! Is it possible that the Angel on my shoulder is a power greater than me?

I know I can't ever go back to where I was but I'm not as green as I am cabbage looking & you are the closest 'thing' (meant in the nicest possible way) to a power I can see @ the moment!

I know you aren't counting the days but you're out of the 2's tomorrow & that is a phenomenal achievement 🙂

Last day of the 2's because tomorrow is 3000 days 🙂

Many thanks for the response...It has answered the main question if not as you perhaps anticipated, left me just a little more confused. I just can't see how the steps just follow on...I'm used to things like that having overlaps & being able to 'revisit' earlier stages as new information comes to light! Obviously, as you mention, I too went to number 12 way before I should have, perhaps because this forum is all I really 'knew' @ the time but looking back I don't think I would not do so!

I guess even as equals, we still need to find out own way & I may need a less regimented approach if I am to feel comfortable with this especially since I can't undo my past! The 12 meetings made me gasp but I can't commit to regular weekly ones anyway - I'm a shift worker (& as you know if you've read my diary can barely commit to getting out of bed some days) before this makes you sigh & think I'm making excuses 😉

Thank you for taking the time to reply & working step 12 on here. I'm not going to make promises I can't keep but I appreciate having this in my armoury in case my resolve does weaken @ any point!

Choosing recovery - ODAAT

Dur, is that what #10 means...It's not written in CHAV ;-0

That's a very comforting explanation, thank-you again! I would have done the same had I been given a list @ the start & told it would help...I love ticking things off of lists (I even write stuff on them just so I can tick them off)! Truth is I probably fear this as much, because I don't understand the writing, as anything else! I am fully committed to my recovery & wonder if, with this new information, maybe without even realising it, I have worked it loosely anyway! Reading what I have on recovery diaries has maybe afforded me this luxury that I didn't notice @ the time!

I have saved the list to my photos now & will continue to glance @ it from time to time as a reminder!

I will also be sure to drop in & report my progress should I start to stagnate & feel that the room would be beneficial!

A simple message today to a complex question.

How do i stop gambling

H = Honesty.
Honesty with yourself about where your gambling has lead you. Honesty with all those who are directly affected by your behaviour

O = Openmindedness
Openminded enough to accept that the way you have always tried to stop previously will never work, no matter how many times you keep attempting it. Openminded enough to look for new ways that might work instead of looking for reasons that they wont work.

W = Willingness

Willing enough to accept things have to change both in your life & your behaviours. Willing enough to try to implement new ideas & suggestions you may not have considered or thought too difficult before.

H O W

Dan

One Breath
One Step
One Day At A Time

The urges hey!
Do they ever go?

All depends how sick you were to begin with i suppose.
For me they will never leave, nor do i wish them to.

Let me try & explain that. My urges to hide behind my addiction for 30 years have taught me a very valuable lesson. It is a lesson i wish i had learnt a lot quicker but my emotional immaturity blinded me to what was going on. My ego, my anger, my resentment towards others, my hatred of myself, the complete helplessness i felt to change my life kept me clinging to the only solution i knew to make these feelings disappear for a short period of time at least. That solution was addiction.

It has been important for me to accept adddiction existed for a reason. It was there to solve an emotional problem for me. A self defense mechanism to soothe me when life threatened to overwhelm me. Initially it works wonderfully well & this is the hook that addiction always has. It will take away how we are feeling for a short period of time & we always remember that. In times of crisis or emotional insecurity even when we are bored or feeling happiness we dont feel we deserve, it is an old friend we can return to in order to self medicate & take us back to a place we feel comfortable. A place we dont need to think or feel. Eventually we turn to it to solve everything, even the most simple of decisions cannot be faced without it by our side. This is the progressive nature of addiction. It stops becoming a pleasant distraction, we begin to abuse the very nature that a healthy bit of denial can give us. We turn to it for everything it consumes us.

So why are those urges that once devastated my life now welcomed with open arms by me? Well i understand them now. They are not telling me to go gamble. They are warning me that something is wrong in my life. I am probably avoiding something i dont feel comfortable facing. Im probably procrastinating over something instead of getting on with it. Im probs feeling sorry for myself over something someones said to upset me. Urges red flag issues that need addressing for me i just need to have an honest conversation with myself when they arrive.

So for me i welcome urges. I ask them what they are trying to solve for me. I am then in a position of choice. I can solve what is bothering me & why an urge has come or i can indulge in the addiction. But by understanding the urge it is always my choice & thats what is important to understand. For thirty years i never knew i had that choice, addiction was the only thing i knew. Today i know different.

One Breath
One Step
One Day At A Time