My life with addiction

Hi Dan,

Just coming round before call it a night. Not sure how much of my rantings you have seen this morning..original, edit or after edit lol.
Some bad time and i know that last 3 nights plus another 2 nights before ...plus another 2 nights before none sleep didn't help my mind...so yep..7 nights in a row and there is no fun sleeping in a daytime for sure.
No gambling thoughts my friend, but i guess we both know that it's not about money for me..as for many of us i guess..it's just the need of escape when i feel most vulnerable. ..i had some sad news re Mum..her health and diabetes is fast detiarating...plus she sounded very upset and that upset me not being able to tell right things..ya know..i only see her once a year and only not long ago we start making some effort on forgiveness to each other.
I am trying my best to stay on recovery road...sometimes i do think im on the wrong forum lol..i know i have compulsive personality and i will always have one but i need to find a way to deal with my past/present via different route with people who been through this. ( family/past issues) You know..counting days is not solving my problems out.

Ok...that's it for now. Just thought i check in cause ya was wondering this morning.

Keep up keeping up and have a good week ahead.

Plus, you're more than welcome to join the challenge :-)...just cause you can ☺....and maybe would like to 😉

Sandra x

Hi Dan,

Thank you so much for your honest post and encouraging words.
No way on this earth i would want you to bend your rules my friend and i guess in this situ we will both be happy with you not having to bend them and me being let off of the condition lol. (Besides I'm always honest, just step over the mark too often which has to stop).
This place become a little unhealthy for me if you get what i mean so i shall be here all day long on Fridays and prob Saturdays to gather my little shining stars on the challenge and take steps bk in a week. I love doing that challenge and it helps me and others NOT TO GAMBLE.

The rest....work in progress and I'm reaching a point in my life i guess to turn that corner.

Hugs dear friend and thank you once again for your words of wisdom. Be proud, you're an inspiration for all

Sandra x

I see people both in the GA rooms & on here doing the same exact things i did for 30 years in trying to control my addiction unsuccessfully & i know for a stone carved fact that there isnt a combination of words in the collective languages on earth that can convince them they need help & that their way wont work. Just as i was when in active addiction they are not looking for help or advice. Just validation & sympathy.
This at times leaves me both frustrated & angry at myself because while hearing & reading the lies & excuses it is like looking in the mirror at my old self smirking back at me with a look that says, Pffft You dont know what your talking about, its different & harder for me, you dont understand. Ive got this under control!

You know the crazy part of being a gambling addict? Its that the gambling really doesnt matter that much if you want to get well.

One Breath
One Step
One Day At A Time

Hi Dan

I detect I bit of frustration in your post and the friends and family one today, I hope you are ok ( even after your amazing length of time I think you still need a cuddle at times)

Sending you one now

(((((DAN))))

Suzanne xxx

Glad you enjoyed the hug Dan, lol.

I wouldn't say you are grumpy at all,lol, just committed and passionate in helping others.

Suzanne xx

Hi Dan,

Thank you for commenting on my diary. From reading some of your posts, it's clear that you've done a lot of work on the deep emotional issues that lead you to addiction. I fully intend to read through your diary (after my holiday) as I'm sure that there's a lot I can learn from you. One line in your post above really resonated with me...."just a coping mechanism. A symptom of my dysfunctional emotional health". Yep, I think that's me too.

Thanks. Life Begins x

WOW! Thank-you for joining the challenge 🙂

day@atime wrote: I see people both in the GA rooms & on here doing the same exact things i did for 30 years in trying to control my addiction unsuccessfully & i know for a stone carved fact that there isnt a combination of words in the collective languages on earth that can convince them they need help & that their way wont work. Just as i was when in active addiction they are not looking for help or advice. Just validation & sympathy. This at times leaves me both frustrated & angry at myself because while hearing & reading the lies & excuses it is like looking in the mirror at my old self smirking back at me with a look that says, Pffft You dont know what your talking about, its different & harder for me, you dont understand. Ive got this under control! You know the crazy part of being a gambling addict? Its that the gambling really doesnt matter that much if you want to get well. One Breath One Step One Day At A Time

I love the honesty in the post!

Your still walking the walk Dan. Not giving up is so incredibly important in recovery. Like you say, one breath, one step, ODAAT

Tri

Now then Dan the man 😉
WOW indeed!! I see Junie is all over the place welcoming soldiers who joins the challenge lol.
Good to have you on it and even if i feel a little bad for "making" you break your own rules, i hope you did it on your own will also 🙂
Good to have you around and thank you for all your support and words you share!

Keep up the good work and never stop believing (hmmm..who am i to dish such an advice lol..I'm a newbie in all this "believe" business)

Take care and catch ya later

Sandra x

Hey Dan,

Thanks for the feedback, cannot beat a bit of Sting huh ☺..went bk right into my teenage years with legends as Dido, No doubt, Vanessa Mae...good stuff on their music...as well as Venga boys and some others which kept my grin on all the distance i ran lol lol..bring bk 90's 😀

Have a good day and enjoy your weekend dear friend

S x

There are two things you most definately dont need to worry about if you wish to recover from addiction. One is gambling & the other is money.
I attended a small GA meeting outside of my own yesterday. Two hours of talking about our feelings around who we are & what we were. Not one mention of money or war stories of misdeeds. Just five people talking honestly about why they felt the need to hide from life within addiction & what they do today to stop themselves returning to their destructive way of thinking. A beautiful theraputic 2 hours spent on enhancing my recovery & therefore my life & the life of those around me.

I spent the 1st year of my recovery moaning about my lot, being angry & resentful at everything that had led me to the circumstances i found myself in. The not gambling part was easy as i had put water tight barriers in ( those who say there is always a way round barriers obviously dont put them in correctly) but the anger at what i had done to myself & what i falsely believed others had done to me very much kept the addict in me alive.

I believed that by ignoring & brushing my life issues under the carpet that the problem would magically vanish.
I believed that the simple act of not gambling would make my life a happy one.

It was a huge surprise to me to find my life even more difficult when i stopped gambling. Thats because i didnt understand the nature of addiction, i thought it was a physical, chemical hook it had upon me, that i was greedy or enjoyed the excitement. That all my negative thoughts & my circumstances were the result of gambling.

Oh dear what a crushing realization that was. That gambling didnt create the inner turmoil & car crash of a life i led, but that the inner turmoil & car crash of my life created the need to gamble.
But with that realization came a new way of approaching how i tackled my problems.

Focusing on not gambling isnt the solution to long term success.
I had to set about repairing my relationship with my self. Confronting directly the emotional pain that led to my desire to hide in addiction is the only thing that works for my long term sanity.

You will never find happyness if you dislike yourself. Its impossible. It is also very difficult to begin that process if you continue to ignore your past.

Learning to forgive yourself is also impossible while you continue to wish your past was different.
To find a better future i needed to deal with my past otherwise it would always drag me back to the place where i need to gamble.

This process is not something i could have done alone as it is very difficult to solve a problem with the mind that created it. I found that help in the rooms of GA , firstly in the fellowship of it & then in the recovery program it offers. It can be found also with good ongoing professional help (please try & avoid cbt) or for some who use this forum wisely. Where you will not find it is in willpower, continued dishonesty with your loved ones & in the act of wishing your problems away.

There are no short term fixes, no magic pills or someone coming along to fix it for you but ...
Recovery is available to everyone it just requires your full attention & commitment.

One Breath
One Step
One Day At A Time

Dan, your 5th paragraph down has done it for me today, thank you so much for sharing, (Yes it is a crushing shock to realise this )

Everything is very much one day at a time, but with thinking like that about our lives, it makes our lives less daunting, and less, impossible.

Suzanne xxx

I have just spent some time working with a sponsee of mine this afternoon over Step 1 of the recovery program.

I thought i would share an exercise that helped me & hopefully him & a few of you too. The wording is a bit flowery & a little hippyish but try to see through that.

Affirmations:

One of the costs of addiction is the loss of faith in our abilities. However we can reprogram ourselves to learn positive healthy messages.
A list of affirmations follows. Each affirmation is written in the present as if you are already accomplishing it. It may not be a reality for you today but you need to act as if it was. It may be difficult but imagine it as planting a garden with possibilities that can bloom into realities.

Select from the list of affirmations that have meaning to you & maybe add a few of your own. Tape it to your mirror & repeat them aloud while shaving or putting on your make up. Keep a copy in the car to repeat while commuting or say aloud & record it to listen too before going to sleep.

# I accept that the life i have known is over

# I move into a new a blessed phase of my time here

# I accept pain as my teacher, & problems as a new key to my existence for me

# I seek guides in my life & understand they may be different to what i anticipated

# I accept the messages surrounding me. Negativaty is replaced with positive acceptence

# I realize that i have had a hard life & deserve better

# I let the joy of life melt the hardness of my heart

# I comfort & nurture myself. As part of the surrender of my pride i will let others give to me, as an act of faith in my value as a person.

# I accept this illness as part of the trauma of both this culture & my family

# I appreciate that in the chaos of the now, my instincts & beliefs may work against me. My recovering friends help me sort healthy beliefs & instincts from unhealthy ones.

# I recognize that time is turning lonelyness into solitude, my suffering into meaning & relationships into intimacy.

# I do not blame or search for fault. It is not who, but how & what happened thats important

# I commit to reality at all costs knowing that that is the only place to find ultimate serenity.

# I accept that life is difficult & that leaning towards my struggles rather than leaning away gives me balance.

One Breath
One Step
One Day At A Time

Hi ya, I'm in the unfortunate position that the 2 people left I need to make amends with are no longer with us in body! Whilst this saddens me, I cannot change it & have made my peace in as much as accepting that they left knowing I cared (a 6th sense/the Witch in me allowed me to inadvertently say goodbye to both of them)!

I was asked today whether I had given GA anymore thought...I haven't because I don't think my recovery has stagnated yet! I'm going through another testing time with a few stresses & strains @ the moment but I have techniques I can use (& have been ordered to) to alleviate them! I'm under no delusion that there is a lifetime of happiness ahead of me, life is hard but I am happy being me, very happy...I never wanted more than that! To my mind, I still have a lot of paying it forwards to do & unless I retrained as a counsellor, this is a place where I think I can offer support & people can accept/decline my ramblings as they see fit!

I may have a look @ those affirmations yet & pop one on the handlebars of my bicycle (there's shaving in this house, not me you'll be both relieved & disgusted to hear, but definately no make up) 😉

Thank-YOU for having our backs 🙂

Morning Dan, and thank you for your message, x

Have a good gambling free Monday.

Suzanne xxx