My life with addiction

Thanks GT & the witches!

Two types of gambler exist according to the experts.
Action & Escapism.

This has not been my experience from what i have seen & heard in GA rooms over the last 8.5 years.
What i have seen is that addiction is almost always the result of emotional pain. From the extremes of childhood sexual abuse & the loss of loved ones to things that effect most people in the world at certain times, such as boredom & dissatisfacation at life.

What i have also observed & heard is that the age at which you began your destructive behaviour very much has a bearing on what the correct course of recovery should be. Here are the two categories of CG that i have witnessed.

For those who found gambling before the age of approx 13/14(for women sometimes later) the need to isolate & escape in a behaviour seems an ingrained response. It appears to be a safety blanket for anything in life that threatens to overwhelm them. Something we have learned will protect us. Things such as, feeling neglected by parents, not matching up to siblings, sexual abuse, being bullied, not being good enough, feeling unheard & unable to meet expectations amongst many others. These types of addicts seem to have the most difficulty in continued recovery. Old coping mechanisms seem to be hard to finally let go off. Thats because we know they work. However much destruction we know will be caused by our gambling we have learnt it will at least take our pain away for a short period. We can no more unlearn this than we could unlearn our alphabet or 2x table. There will also more than likely be a history of other destructive behaviours involved. Alcohol, drugs, s*x, caffeine, work etc.
This type of addict needs in my opinion to deal with root causes. To look back fearlessly at their lives & learn to deal with the things which created their need to hide in their behaviours. Psychodynamic therapy & 12 step seem to be the most effective ways of helping people with these issues of which i am one.

The other addict i have seen is the one who finds gambling in adulthood. I have seen these addicts be what i would call circumstancial addicts. Their addiction seems to stem from the situation they have found themselves in. So that would be things like an unhappy marriage or job. The death of a parent or other loved one. Unemployment, loneliness & boredom at what their life has become. They are still escaping but it is more about their fear for the future than the unhappyness of their past. As circumstance took them to gambling then so can the changes in circumstance allow them to longer wish to escape within gambling. So change of job or ending an unhappy relationship can often be enough to manage the desire to gamble. Things such as CBT,RBT & yes GA seem to be useful tools for addicts of this nature.

Just my opinion, please choose to think of it what you will. I have still yet to meet the action gambler, maybe they are all on here or maybe no such thing exists.

One Breath
One Step
One Day At A Time

Hi Dan the man,

Thank you for your lovely and encouraging words.

This last post of yours is bursting with honesty and wisdom. To get such an insight on the addiction is something special (in a good way) to have.
Good to have people like you around..tough when needed and always talking of real things...no pink glasses needed

Keep on keeping on and stay safe.

Ps. Thank you for keeping faith in me. Means a lot.

S x

Thanks HL & Sandra,

Shame, guilt, remorse. All words i hear bandied around when it comes to addiction. The only shame, guilt & remorse i have today are that i let them keep me imprisoned in my addiction for so long. Only through confronting the power these emotions held over me for so long & sharing those feelings with others, have i began to face a healthier life
.
Here are 2 stories, one from my early gambling history & one from close to the end. Both do not vary greatly in content, just the minor details around them do. The behaviour doesnt change just the opportunity & circumstances of it.

Im 14 years old, my gambling addiction has been firmly in place for a good few years now. A school trip to the slopes of somewhere i dont recall is on offer & my parents have kindly allowed me to go. They hand me the cash to pay the deposit(about a £100 i think) this is about1984/85 so no bank transfers then.
I decide to skip school that day & venture to my local arcade. With my big wad of cash feeling invincible, convinced my skill & great judgement around fruit machines will win me my fortune that day. I will be able to hand my trip money in tomorrow & still be left with great sums of money to lavish on myself & my friends to show them how amazing i am. The place is fairly empty as its a school day, just the odd regular daily addicts getting their fix. I looked upon these people with disgust, zombies, unkempt, unwashed, not knowing i was destined to join their ranks shortly. The place being quiet & the unusual amount of money on me allowed me to play multiple machines at once, throwing in my coins, feeling like the big man, nothing could go wrong right?

4 or 5 hours later i have nothing left. My plans for global domination crushed on a ВЈ4.80 jackpot machine. Im distraught, filled with self pity. How do i explain where my deposit is to the teachers. How do i tell mum & dad where the money went. I dont even have the money to get the 6 mile bus journey home. I beg a few regulars to lend me the money to get home but their coins are promised elsewhere as i have filled up most of the machines for them. One fellow tho offers me the chance to earn myself a ВЈ5 if i will help him out. He takes me to the toilet & unzips his fly while explaining what i need to do for the money. In fairness i did haggle up to £10 (always resourceful when it comes to getting extra money as an addict).
Deed done i am at least able to get home with this money. But first before getting the bus lets just see if i can turn this £10 into a few quid more, maybe even get back it all...... 45 minutes later i begin the 6 mile walk home to face the music.

18/12/2006

Christmas is coming. Presents to be bought. Its been a particularly nasty year on the gambling front. My reliance to use it to get me through everything in life becoming ever more constant. My life is completely unmanagable. Family, work, debt are all about to consume me but i am still powerless to the call of my addiction. I know its killing me but i dont know where to begin on stopping it all just seems impossible. Anyhow i have got hold of about 3k. I set off to worcester in the pretence of buying gifts. Dismissing the facts that Cheltenham has very fine shops for buying goods & ignoring the obvious that i needed 3k with which to buy them, i told myself that just in case something took my fancy i will take a little extra & i wasnt going to Worcester because i had been caught a few times going in gambling establishments in Cheltenham, but because they might have something nicer over there for my wife & kids. So armed with the knowledge im nice & doing a good thing for my family off i set.

Well something does take my fancy. Two machines to be precise. One that promised riches over the rainbow & another awful thing which i spent a lot of company with doing business for monkeys. Two spins later im £496.00 up. This is going to be a fantastic day! I hit a jackpot 4 times that day on different games & yet walked out 15 hours later without a penny to my name. Head pounding, heart racing, stinking of sweat & rage but no presents. Hadnt even made it to the shops to look. A shameful trudge out of the doors not daring to look back at the staff staring at me or the vultures waiting to pounce on my losses to win them for themselves & off to the car park up. Greeted by the daily site of a parking ticket on my windscreen because i had tried to save a quid on the meter. Keys in the ignition, no radio? Turn them over nothing. The dreaded check of the lights confirms i have left them on allday. I sit behind the wheel crying , screaming, headbutting the steering wheel. Blood is pouring from my face mixing with the tears & snot. This must be that rock bottom i have heard about. I cant live like this anymore, its time to end it. The river runs through Worcester town centre so decide its time to end it all. Im going to jump off the road bridge & end it all. I have had enough. I walk the few hundred yards to the bridge already knowing i cant do it, my mind already soothing itself quickly, repairing the damage in the way it was so practiced in doing. I turn around, mind going 100 miles an hour doing what it did best. Repair the immediate chaos. Find an excuse, live to fight another day. Put off being found out.

The car is jump started by a wary but kind fellow in the car park. I drive home playing my favorite game after a loss of how long i can keep my eyes closed on the motorway. Eyeing up bridge structures & the central reservation contemplating just yanking the wheel in their direction. Working out my explanation as to my battered face (walked into something at work) working out a way to get more money(simple just steal some more from family business) & generally telling myself never again, today it stops.... it didnt the next day i gambled again.

My house of cards finally crumbled the following April. It all caught up with me. I had no moral epiphany where i confessed all. I got caught, plain & simple. I would have never stopped on my own. I didnt know where to begin.
My wife demanded i go to GA. I went. I thought it would stop the questions, shut her up. 4-6 weeks of that & i could return to the gambling when the heat died down. 8.5 years later im still there & no gambling to report. It saved me. Life doesnt magically become wonderful when the gambling ceases. It can take many years of consistant hard work & a 100% commitment to change is needed.

If i could offer a few words of advice it would be, ruthlessly persue getting to know & like yourself. Cut the cra P you tell yourself. Never lie to yourself. Honestly face it all. The things you have run from are usually not that scary. My emotions & responses to them were all driven by fear for 30 years.

Some advice i was given through the GA rooms & the 12 step recovery program have been of enormous use. Here are a few :

If you want what people in successful recoveries have, do what they do. If you dont like what they have, go back to what you had.

Religion is for people afraid of going to hell. Spirituality is for those who have been there.

You dont have a problem. You have a solution you dont like.

I never did anything in moderation- except my recovery.

The quality of your recovery is proportional to your surrender.

Untreated my past will become my future.

What is neccesary for change is for a person to change their awareness of themselves.

One Breath
One Step
One Day At A Time

Hi Dan,

I read this post on my phone at lunchtime, on my break, not once not twice, three times, each time I read it I had different thoughts,

have come home and read it again, and those three different opinions have all made sense, (I know you will understand this).

Not sure how to say want I want to say, but here goes:))),

Firstly thank you so much for explaining a CG at a vulnerable age and then again as an adult.

Both stages end with the same result, not so much the panic of what you did, and the walk of shame, but that it was on both your stories, how to rectify your situation by lying, and already conjuring up,on how to get the next amount of funds for your fix, because on both occassions you believed you would/could still win. But that was the addiction now embedded inside you.

As a 14 year old, you had the world at your feet, you were invincible, jeez you had 100 to spend, look what you could win from that,

Towards the end (thank goodness) after 30 years of this addiction progressing, that 100 had turned into 3000, plus, but you still thought you could win something back,

What I am saying is whether it was 5 100 or 3000 you laid everything you had and did what you could to get to feed your addiction.

Gambling is an addiction Dan, it is a very much pushed under the carpet/ not talked about addiction, but it's people like you that share your experiences of it, that make me realise more and more how horrible this addiction/illness is, and that it can totally destruct our lives,

You are an inspiration Dan, and as we keep turning different corners, we strengthen our resolve by not becoming complacent.

I also think with the majority of CGs, when they want to 100% commit, to recovery, each slip after not being in denial anymore, brings them closer to becoming a recovering CG. and that is more positive for them than they realise.

Thanks again for sharing Dan, I hope by releasing your painful past today, it has strengthened your resolve even more, because you have strengthened mine even more today.

Suzanne xxx

Yeah, fair play. It has to be said that's a massive post Dan. Thanks for sharing.

I don't really have much I can add. Glad I could bring it back up to prominence.

Louis

Hi

A very powerful post which when I read it the first time was shaking with fear. I have also read it again and again and now take great strength from it. Thank you for posting from the heart.

Best wishes

Hi Dan,

I too read your post several times. Thank you very much for sharing.

-joanxx

Hi Dan,

Don't have to tell you how much i appreciate your honesty/ support & keeping it real! Thank you for sharing!

Sorry to come hard on you..but man...YOU MISSED YOUR CHECK IN!!! back in the line naughty 😀 ☺

Thanks for your lovely converse today and keep on keeping on!

S x

Thankyou Suzanne, Louis, Balvaird, Judy & Sandra.
Its always nice to come back to the forum & see that your posts have actually been read!

Its no use hacking at the branches of a tree if you want to kill it is it?
Yet this is how most go about tackling their addiction.

You can chop off all the branches you like & the tree will seem smaller & less significant. You may even forget the tree was there if you chop it down to a stump(remission) but sooner or later it will grow back(relapse) & it will be as if it never went away. All your hard work will have been for nothing & you will have to start the whole process again.
If however you stop focusing & worrying about the stuff above ground that is easy to see & dig down below to the root, there you will find the thing that needs to be dealt with to halt the cycle.

It is initially harder work to dig below the surface than it is to just prune off the obvious stuff but recovery is about short term pain for long term gain. It is about patience, self awareness, honesty & willingness to do what needs to be done.

You can put all the barriers in you like (& i suggest you do) but they are just a short term solution. They will not fix you. Without access to gambling most will find another way to indulge their pain, be that work, excessive excercise, alcohol, s*x & a whole host of other transient addictions.
The purpose of barriers is to allow you some breathing space. Time where gambling isnt an option. A time where you can work on your character defects. To put some work into believing in yourself again.
If you take your barriers away what are you left with if nothing about your view of yourself has changed? You are left with the same person who needed to hide within addiction to get through life. Nothing has changed you just didnt gamble.

Long term freedom from addiction doesnt come from not being able to gamble it comes from not needing to gamble.
You will only ever learn from your mistakes when you stop denying them.
Take a leap of faith in yourself & sacrifice what you are today for the betterment of what you can become tomorrow.
So take the first step to recovery with willingness. You dont have to be able to see the end of the road. Just begin the journey facing the right direction.

One Breath
One Step
One Day At A Time

Manic, moi, how very dare you 😉 (You meant manic & not maniac right :-)) Shame I was nights last night or I would have popped straight across to you 😉

Yep, you are right, peace has found me...Finally! I realised that this morning when I noticed I no longer had any great desire to club a numpty newbie to death!

I'm in a great place, never complacent but the day count doesn't matter anymore & I'm not having any real urges to gamble. Perhaps the thought of going back is still very sobering or perhaps I just realised very early in this journey that control was never on the cards but whatever it is, I am truly grateful!

I'm still no further forward with why I gambled, what in my otherwise acceptable brain thought that after so many years of losing that each new time it would be different but I know now that when I am short of money, gambling is the one thing that will make that shortage worse! I've still got work to do on my defects but without the addiction making them worse, I have time!

I'm getting there - ODAAT

day@atime wrote: Thankyou Suzanne, Louis, Balvaird, Judy & Sandra. Its always nice to come back to the forum & see that your posts have actually been read! Its no use hacking at the branches of a tree if you want to kill it is it? Yet this is how most go about tackling their addiction. You can chop off all the branches you like & the tree will seem smaller & less significant. You may even forget the tree was there if you chop it down to a stump(remission) but sooner or later it will grow back(relapse) & it will be as if it never went away. All your hard work will have been for nothing & you will have to start the whole process again. If however you stop focusing & worrying about the stuff above ground that is easy to see & dig down below to the root, there you will find the thing that needs to be dealt with to halt the cycle. It is initially harder work to dig below the surface than it is to just prune off the obvious stuff but recovery is about short term pain for long term gain. It is about patience, self awareness, honesty & willingness to do what needs to be done. You can put all the barriers in you like (& i suggest you do) but they are just a short term solution. They will not fix you. Without access to gambling most will find another way to indulge their pain, be that work, excessive excercise, alcohol, s*x & a whole host of other transient addictions. The purpose of barriers is to allow you some breathing space. Time where gambling isnt an option. A time where you can work on your character defects. To put some work into believing in yourself again. If you take your barriers away what are you left with if nothing about your view of yourself has changed? You are left with the same person who needed to hide within addiction to get through life. Nothing has changed you just didnt gamble. Long term freedom from addiction doesnt come from not being able to gamble it comes from not needing to gamble. You will only ever learn from your mistakes when you stop denying them. Take a leap of faith in yourself & sacrifice what you are today for the betterment of what you can become tomorrow. So take the first step to recovery with willingness. You dont have to be able to see the end of the road. Just begin the journey facing the right direction. One Breath One Step One Day At A Time

Keep it coming and thankyou 🙂

Tri

Thank you Dan for your suggestion to Google 155 4 steps. I've been looking through the questions and I'm sure that they will be useful. Just reading through the childhood questions bought a flood of emotions and memories to the fore. I'm not feeling strong enough to start working through them today, but I know that I will and by doing so I will get stronger. Thanks again, I appreciate the suggestion.

LifeBegins x

I know it wasn't for me but I'm a nosey sod so I had a look @ the 155 stuff & need to ask...What would I do with the answers if I sat down & answered them? Some are obviously do stuff but some are yes or no answers! How does my mother's relationship with her mother have any bearing on how I lead my life, I can't change it (goodness only knows I've tried). This looks a bit like part of the 12 steps & I am happy where I'm @, not complacent but @ peace so I'm not planning on going there unless I stagnate but I like to have options & I'm just wondering if this is something to tuck into the armoury?

Morning Dan,

Just checked your days, WOW 3081 days today, of abstaining and maintaining.

You deserve a big well done too, WELL DONE

Have a good day.

Suzanne xxx

Following on from ODAAT's post above....

As I was reading through the questions I did think "I'm going to need someone ( a therapist?) to work through this with me as I'm not sure that I would know what to do with the answers." I'm assuming people would work through these with their sponsor?

I've definitely covered some of them in therapy...not in quite the same way but with the same goal in mind. I think they'll help me to know myself better and have a greater understanding of where some of my feelings and beliefs stem from. I've always been interested in understanding why I am the way I am. What has shaped me along the way. As I've understood more about myself I've been able to make changes. I'm interested to see what I uncover.

LB x