My life with addiction

Dan, if I started a co-dependant's diary, I would have to admit to my co-dependency! I might even have to acknowledge my own role in What Went Before. That's a bridge too far, the counselling's hard enough. She asks things like why didn't I think that I deserved better? I don't (want to) know the answer to that! And she said recently that I will have to get over it. Hmmm. I'm quite comfortable being f&f, thank you.

BW,

CW

Of course I know my role in What Went Before. I was the innocent victim. Wasn't I?

Ok, that's obviously not so. I am trying to face it, at meetings, via counselling and by reading. But on the forum? It's not as if I could count on the support of numerous fellow co-dependants. And of course, I'm unique so I don't need to. Not even the slightest bit dysfunctional. Well, not that dysfunctional.

CW

"People were the only things that have begun to fill it up. They were always the only that could ever do it. I just never saw it. Connection, community. Its how we are made. It is at the core of what makes us human. Without it we are empty."

It ties in with vulnerability too. And understanding ourselves and what drives us and what holds us back from that connection. Because many people aren't able to be fully open to connection until they've made peace with themselves first. It can be the human connection in a person's life that has caused the most pain, so why would they want more of it? People have a huge capacity to hurt us. Intentionally and unintentionally. They die, they lie, they have problems of their own. So, only when we're really strong enough within ourselves are we able to fully let them in.

Hi Dan. You bring up some good points, are you a counsellor yourself now lol!? I have recognised this time around that abstinence isn't enough and I'm working through all the issues I have one by one. I do have an idea of where I want to go in my recovery but admit I'm not sure exactly how to get there. I attend GA which I find brilliant so far and am on a waiting list for counselling. The relationships I have with people need to be developed into healthier versions of what they currently are and I'm working on how to achieve that.

All the best

Hi Dan, can I pick your brains pls?

I've been pointed in the direction of the AA Big Blue book. Have downloaded it with an open mind but would appreciate your thoughts on it.

Many thanks,

Gary

Hi
Gary

All 400 pages or anything specific ? You can email me on [email protected] . May make it easier

Hi all

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One of fhe tricks in recovery is learning to recognize your self defeating & self harming pattern of behaviours & habits. Then the practicing of new healthier attitudes & problem solving.

One of my self defeating behaviours is my difficulty accepting good things from others.
I dont have a hard time doing good things for others or being readily available when they need me. But i do have a hard time accepting what others give to me.
This of course is another way of saying that I dont want to receive -I want to be in control.

Givers crave control.

The people I give to obviously need ( or at least I believe they do!) what I have to give..
Being a receiver, means that I need something & for a whole host of reasons from my past, I have difficulty accepting that I need anything or anyone outside of myself, the gifts of others are often dismissed or unrecognized..

If I dont practice giving up my need to control, it leaves me struggling to enjoy & make the most of what the day may offer me. If I dont watch out for my habitual self harming patterns, I tend to end up selling myself short & here resentment will build.
In the same way my bad behaviours & habits were learnt through practice, so will the good ones & if I stop practicing the good ones then im left with nothing but the old bad ones.

So thankyou to Tri & Kelly for letting me practice taking a compliment yesterday & for offering advice.

Thanks Dan, means a lot yes 300 days but thats only a number this is a life time mission i wont be sitting back and taking what i have got to date i will be strecthing myself. i intend to look for a sponsor once my year is complete i have a few people i have come across in mind, if only you was a bit closer i might of been knocking on your door.

KTF

Those who continue to stay on the merryground relapse & remission of addiction are those that do what theyre willing to do.

Those that have long term success are the ones that are willing to do whatever it takes, no matter how difficult or uncomfortable that makes them feel.

Imagine your willingness as kind of a mental 'willingness dial'. An addicts willingness dial is set to very low.

A low willingness dial means also a very small comfort zone, a small world.

Willingness means taking actions in pursuit of something important (values) in spite of the difficult thoughts and feelings which come along.

To get out of addiction we need to turn up our willingness dial.

Willingness is also directly linked to confidence. Confidence isn't a magic sparkly dust. Confidence is gained through willingness and persistence.

Willingness isn't a magic dust. It comes from commitment. IMO most need a framework to put stuff into practice - understanding concepts doesn't alone develop willingness.

Step 6 & Step 8 talk through & encourage me to explore willingness. Its a fundamental requirement of working the program. Without willingness to do & try things ive never tried before, im left stagnant & reliant on things that have never worked before.

Hi , I would just like to say thank you , I have only read upto page 7 of your diary and what I have read so far makes so much sense , it have giving me a better understanding of things and has made me realise that I need to deal with the root cause as to why I gamble , it has really started to make me think more about the bigger picture of things .I will continue to read as I know there is so much more I will learn from your posts .... I totally respect what you say about GA meetings , I've decided at this moment in time not to take this route , but I'm not saying I will rule it out if I feel I need it for extra support and help. I may go down the counsellor route but this will be through my GP as my mam and sister have .

Thank you

Hi Dan,

Thank you for your post. I honestly thought i have lost you from my ranks since i stopped my program at AA. i can clearly say you're working 12 steps to their full potential. You don't judge...you accept other's shortcomings and you forgive.. thank you for the line you have posted, it means more than you think. Sadly i still have many insecurities around me which i need to be working on.

I'm letting addictions back in. It's clear as black and white, they are progressive. Instead of belief and strength i still have fear of the unknown..fear of change...fear of new opportunities. A lot of work needs to be done here to allow me to grow as a person. Nobody stops me but me.

Thank you for your suggestion. I did look it up and honestly thinking of another shot at counselling. I know it helped before, i just need to do "homework" this time.

There is no gain without pain. I need to accept it.

Hope all is well with yourself and your family. Keep up good work and keep claiming your life ☺..you're worth it!

S x

FINDING YOURSELF

Here are 6 of the most common personality profiles for people with addictions. Which one most fits you?

THE CARETAKER

в—Џ I generally feel responsible for the happiness of others.
в—Џ I have often bent the rules to bail people out of trouble that they brought on themselves.
в—Џ Sometime I wonder why so many people lean on me without being sensitive to my need to lean sometimes
в—Џ I find it easier to take care of others than to take care of myself
в—Џ I never have enough time to accomplish the things I want to do.
в—Џ I am more interested in talking about & trying to fix other peoples problems than my own

THE PEOPLE PLEASER

в—Џ I have trouble saying no even when i know I should
в—Џ I often say it doesnt matter when it really does
в—Џ I seldom feel angry but often feel hurt
в—Џ In the name of peace, I try to avoid talking about problems
в—Џ I usually feel other peoples needs & opinions are more important than my own
в—Џ I often apologise
в—Џ I would rather give in than stand up for my belief

THE WORKAHOLIC

в—Џ I rarely feel that I accomplish what I need to
в—Џ When i relax, I experience more guilt than pleasure
в—Џ I dont take joy or pride at the conclusion of one task before moving onto another
в—Џ It seems to me people are in my way quite often
в—Џ I put less value on personal time than work time
в—Џ I spend more time, energy & effort on work than on relationships

THE MARTYR

в—Џ I am usually willing to do without so others can have what they want
в—Џ I feel I have terrible luck in life
в—Џ My first impulse is to say no when something enjoyable is on offer for me
в—Џ My second impulse is to wonder why I dont like enjoying myself
в—Џ When life runs smoothly for a while, I begin to anticipate all the things that may go wrong
в—Џ I believe that life is a struggle & I accept suffering as my lot in life

THE PERFECTIONIST

в—Џ I am often amazed at the incompetence of others
в—Џ I cant stand it when things arent just so.
в—Џ I find unpredictability intolerable
в—Џ I have a burning desire to put everyone right
в—Џ Any kind of personal failure is the worst thing I can imagine
в—Џ It seems to me that everyone elses standards dont quite match up to mine

THE TAP DANCER

в—Џ I find it difficult or impossible to share with anyone the whole truth
в—Џ I would rather end a relationship than make a wholehearted commitment to it
в—Џ Figuring out what I can get away with is exciting to me
в—Џ I have an abiding fear of being caught, cornered or questioned
в—Џ I always have a plan B in mind incase I need to escape
в—Џ To avoid feeling lonely, I have to run faster away than I used to.

No one is perfect. Everyone faces some of these obstacles. Even though we may shake our heads & say My God im all of those things, the issue is that, we can deal with anything we can name & identify. We just need to acknowledge it & be willing to work on it.

This is not an exercise to see how broken we are, but to understand that if we can identify the obstacles of our habitual thinking & are willing to work through them, then we will increase our opportunity for growth.

Perhaps pick one you most indentify with & ask a friend or loved one which one they think most resembles you. Interesting to see if you view yourself the same as others do

For the record my default setting was Tap Dancer with a bit of caretaker thrown in for good measure. Identifying the obstacles I put in my way, shows me where the real work needed to begin