My recovery diary - Last bet 18/02/2012 - Forwards and upwards

Hi Andy

Just wanted to say well done for coming back here and giving it another go. No one said this was going to be easy and no one here is going to judge you for slipping up. The main this is that you continue trying regardless, because with grit and determination and using the tools available to you, you will get there.

And when you do, just imagine how sweet it will be?

WE CAN DO THIS!

Thanks Dusty, Spoof and Lostmymind.

Day 2 over today, not had a bet but half wanted to. Parents got back from France, my mum asked me what happened and I said I didn't know but did know what I was doing. I told mum the hardest thing was trying to give up something I still like doing and something I have done for over 20 years. Yes I do still want to give up but nobody has ever accepted that gambling is in my blood and this is who I am. I will never be healed, I will only stop for periods. I am not confident of staying bet free all my life and I told my mum it would be easy to just give in and accept who I was and carry on. Everyone keeps telling me to give up for myself but I am trying to give up for others because if it was just me, I would probably carry on.

I don't know my brain is shot, I do hate the fact this disease has ruined my life and I have let it, so I will just continue the battle and try to go each day without a bet. Every day I don't bet I win but if I relapse I don't want my family to think badly of me. If I lose my girlfriend I probably will give in and just be who I am one way or the other.

Another day tomorrow, work sucked today, my head and eyes have hurt, I've done nothing and want to go to bed. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Thanks to you all and for your support esp you Dusty. 🙂

x

Hi,

You are most welcome. We are all here to support each other. No doubt next time I enter the dark place my mind can throw me enter you will cheer up. With fishing stories, ok so maybe they won't cheer up. As fishing is not my thing , although do not mind a salmon and cucumber sandwich, posh bird me.

Take care, one day at time we will beat this.

Dusty

Wilsy.

Stop punishing yourself Andy you would do yourself a massive favour today by reading page 15 of your own diary fella those are your words on that page and they were written not to long ago and I know you can be there again it is your will that can do it.

Just for today fella be kind to yourself.

Duncs compulsive gambler NO BET TODAY.

Wilsy,

Just wanted to say you have posted some really positives words on my diary and I was almost tempted to post it back to you as I prob won't be as good with words! I do kinda empathize with you on the whole giving up for other people thing because I reckon if it was just me I doubt I would give up either!

However, there's a dead harsh reality that it isnt just me and it isn't just you! You have people around you that genuinely care and want you to be free of this demon! I'm finding so far stopping is pretty hard but seeing the look of disappointment on people's faces who I really care about is even harder! Maybe that's what we need in front of us a picture of a loved one looking P***** off or upset! You really should do it or yourself mate just like I should but if we can't then we really should do it for them!

Hope you can get back on track buddy!

Flagg

Hi Dusty, Duncan and Flag.

Day three over with and no bet today.

Pleased to have my parents back from France in all honesty feel more relaxed and know I am not going to be on my own in the evenings.

Work has been tough the last few days but I am to go to an exhibition in Angle London tomorrow where we are exhibiting, so that will get me away from the phones and computers for a bit, just hate ironing and wearing a suit 🙂

Dusty thank you for your message, I would always be there for you too, if you were to fall back into a dark space but you won't you are strong and in control, I know you are but bless you, I like cucumber but don't eat fish only cod! lol

Duncan, I think you are the same as Dusty, I know you step in and send me wise words when needed. I know what you mean and I promise not to be too hard on myself, I think my post yesterday was just being honest and was how I felt at the time.

Flagg what can I say man, we seem to have a lot in common and I will take on board what you say, I would like to go 6, 12 or 18 months just to please my family and it would be a joy to show them what I have saved, buy a car and maybe go on holiday.

Each day at a time I will strive to be a better person and stay away from gambling premises but I will have to take it a day at a time.

Thanks again everyone.

Wilsy.

I hope your day in the smoke is a good one fella and nice to see your Palace lend my beloved team a hand last night although fella I fear it is a little to late We need a miracle to stay up. And thanks for making my kids laugh !!!Eddie the Eagle thanks pal LOL.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi

I enjoyed reading your thread both ups and downs much the same here. While I would be harsh in terms of going forward that is you are back to the start and you have take this from the beginning. The flip side is you got 46 days. If you were trying to give up smoking and you smoked for a week and then went off again. How would you feel about your recovery? I think this is where many of us fall down. The money seems to be the thing that holds us all back and where as cg we fall down. Let go of the money easier than it looks you are doing well and you need now to be extra vigilent. I hope I take my own advice as too often I have ignored it to my pity.

Mike,

I think you make an extremely valid point! We tend to let the money and the finances over ride our battle and get in the way of the true importance of us staying gamble free! Sure the money is important and we can't be rash And ignore out debts but it's the repairing broken relationships regaining trust rediscovering ourselves that's what we should be focussing on each and every day! If we stay gamble free one day our debts will be gone, and by the same token our loved ones will remain or return if we live this greater existence!

Hope you all have a pleasant gamble free day!

Hi Lucky Mike and Flagg,

Good valid points guys, when we slip its often or always because of finances or because we find it hard to let go on the loss.

I have just got back from London, left for there at 7.21am and have only just crammed my dinner down my neck (Chinese), now I'm going to have to sleep on it, feel sick lol.

No bet from me today, not even had the time 😉

Wilsy.

Well I checked the posts early doors this mornin (memories of your last london trip bouncing about) and glad to read Andy that even if it was due to lack of time you did not find yourself in the wrong place!!!

Maybe it is that TRIANGLE doing its work!!

I hope it keeps working for you my friend and am looking forward to lining up the fish puns for the weekend!!! LOL.

(oh and my youngest is still laughing making ski jump jokes!!!)

Duncs Compulsive gambler NO BET today.

Hi Duncan and everyone,

Duncan thank you for your comments, I am pleased I made your children laugh, it just came out my comment about Steady Eddie, I saw a glimpse of what I used to be like, random but a funny mad. 🙂

Big developments with me today guys and girls. I called the GAMCARE helpline and was referred to a councellor after asking for help. I can't do the willpower thing and diary anymore guys, I feel I need more help. The diary is fine but it has temporarily lost its appeal, only because of my relapse, I will still keep coming on.

I was accessed on the phone and the lady at the end of it, after I answered all of her yes and no questions, said how pleased she was I called her today and she said I needed help because I was in one of the higher categories to receive help. I am now waiting to be called back to be put in touch with a weekly councellor who will help me on my recovery.

I feel brilliant, I feel like I really might be helped. I am now convinced the relapse wasn't my fault, with all good intentions, I tried the will power thing but it didn't work because I need professional help.

I feel like I have depression issues which contribute to my gambling binges and I can't wait to see someone.

It will still be a long journey, I have spoken to my parents in depth and they will support me. I will hand over all finances, I will take photos and get blocks in place, I will be getting councelling, I will have my diary and all of you, my friends and hopefully in time, i will find myself again, I might even need medication, anything that might help I want.

So tomorrow really is the beginning of my new life, I can't wait to get started.

On a sad note I have separated with my girlfriend, I don't think she feels the same about me anymore. I love her so, so much but I don't think she has the fight in her anymore and for now the relationship has run its course. I will focus now on my recovery, I don't want anyone else and I hope that in a few months time we could get back together if we still feel like we want the same thing but at the moment that's her call to make. I think she has been through so much because of me and the last 6-8 months have been awful, so the space will do her good and it will give her time to think about things and sort her own issues out.

I will have dreams again from now on, dreams of a new life and happiness both from within side and hopefully again with Jo. Time will tell, I'm not expecting miracle cures.

Hope everyone is OK, I'm now going to watch Game of Thrones for the third time, I recommend it to anyone, best TV series ever made 🙂

Hi Andy, just want to say good luck, and I hope that you do stay on here. From the posts I have read... ""Willsy" always seems to be giving useful advice, and your honesty does and will continue to inspire others I am sure.... so do stay on here !

Cheers Jon

Hi ya,

Good for you, this is such a hard thing to do and we need all the help we can get. Looks like my story about fishing in flips flops gave you food for thought lol

Sorry to hear about you and your girlfriend. But who knows what the future holds.

Be proud tonight , very proud for biting the bullet and having the courage needed to throw everything you can at this.

For that I promise not to skim through any fishing stories that you may post in the coming months.

Dusty x

Hi Jon, thanks mate and Dusty, what can I say, I think I love you :-).

I won't be leaving the site, i'm staying on and will continue to give support to others and will update everyone on my progress. I feel proud of myself today, I have been suffering for over twenty years with this illness and I might have been suffering a decade with depression, I will not torture myself anymore, I want to get better and I appreciate everyone caring for me and I hope my family and friends stick by me, I'm a very good person trying to break free and I do deserve so much more, even though that is probably the first time I have thought that in my life. 🙂