My recovery diary - Last bet 18/02/2012 - Forwards and upwards

Andy.

Hope you are well my friend, the tooth all healed and life is treating you well.

Duncs stepping forward never back

DAY 15 - No bet today

Hi Duncan, thanks for your post, sorry not been on, life is busy. Work has improved probably because it has been 15 days since my last bet and the head is clearer. The tooth has gone and I am healing feel happy about that. Keeping myself busy, getting on with the gf much better, she will now hold my finances but I haven't got any until the 31st of January when I get paid but we know the plan. Just pre-ordered football manager 2013 and got my tv back from girlfriend which has been with her since March, so its in my room now and I'm going to hibernate for the Winter. Family have turned round and said what if I wanted to have a bet if I only had £20 a week to spend on it and if that would make me feel better. I was quite shocked and pleased in a way it was the first time pressure was taken off me and for my family to allow me to have a flutter was quite amazing, girlfriend agreed. I will have to think about it. Right now I want to not think about it but when I get paid and if I want to, I might consider that option as I enjoy it but we'll see, at the moment I would prefer not to and do something else with my £20 a week. I will keep you updated.

Hope everyone is ok and thanks again Duncan for thinking of me.

Morning Andy.

Intresting post my friend, I am not here to judge,but will offer my opinion,The compulsion to gamble for me as i understand it means the stake is irrelivant,whether it be a pound or a grand,the stake is just the fuel to feed the addiction.

It for me is to rid myself of all the baggage that gambling gave me that is simply the reason to continue Abstaining,I no longer,lie,self-loath,get depressed,and my glass is half full. At it I know the results,the same each time I punt,at best I win tomorrows stake and all the baggage it contains.

For me the answer is simple, £80 a month, get on the fishing!!!!!!!!!!!!!! a pastime which brings andy nowt but joy!!!!

That is my slide on it my friend,Abstain and maintain!!!!

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Andy i nearly got excited myself when i read about you being allowed to have a 20 quid bet a week.

Andy but 2 b honest that wud work in a perfect world but i cant see it working 4 a cg in my humble opinion u wud be only tortureing yourself and i just cant see it working maybe in the short term you mite get away with it 4 a while but not in the long term. What happens when a last min goal does you out of a 4 or 5 team accum? What happens when your horse gets beat on the line?

Could an alcoholic have 2 or 3 pints a week ?????

One bets too many and a thousand bets is not enough.

I think Duncan is rite £80 a month be better spent on fishing.

Sorry 4 voicing my opinion but i do mean well and its nice to see you posting again.

Take care

Hello everyone,

Sitting in my bedroom tonight after a big loss I have decided to come back to the site and try again.

I left the site firstly because it started to depress me. It is bad enough being a compulsive gambler but having to keep logging on to my diary every day when I have nothing to say and constantly be reminded on what I am drained on me.

Secondly deep down I missed gambling and didn't want to give up and now look at me, skint and back on the site.

I want to come back and see how it goes, I need to tot up the non-gambling days again one day at a time. I need to get this demon of my shoulders once more and beat him into submission. It has taken all of my money again and has left me depressed broke and borrowing money of family, most upsettingly worrying everyone and letting myself down again.

If I don't try harder to stop once and for all I will lose everything and I won't ever have anything.

My work is suffering my health is suffering and I've been naïve. I've had counselling, I've been to GA meetings, I come on here, but I still find away to gamble somehow. The biggest problem I've got is I WANT to gamble, I love gambling I just hate losing big but I will lose big because I can't stop so even though it is going to be very, very hard, I'm going to have to give up what I love because it will kill me and suck the life out of me.

Tomorrow I don't want to go to work I am too depressed and disgusted with myself I don't even think I have the petrol to get there. I might call in sick and tomorrow night my dad has asked me to go round to his. I have told him I'm in trouble and blown over £700 which is all I had in the world which my mother and girlfriend are going to know I have lost. He has said he will lend me some money, I just don't know if he can lend me enough to cover my tracks because I am scared of telling everyone again.

Tomorrow can't come soon enough, I just hope Dad can lend me what I need but I don't think he can stretch to anywhere near £700!

Why do I do this to myself, I do it because I am a compulsive gambler and tomorrow I will start my road to recovery again. I will never be cured but for god's sake Andy, GIVE THIS GAMBLING UP!!!!

Andy

welcome fella.

I wish it was upon better tidings you post.

Without sounding like a broken record my advise the same,there is a triangle Time -Mone- location.

Remove one and the bet impossible.

The result you win over and over.

At it I cannot win because i cannot stop.

Abstain and maintain.

You love gambling?

Me too i gambled to the point where my family became the stake,the lies and deceit led me to one day from total destruction.

Gambling beat me fare and square.

Had me licked, took all i was prepared to stake.

Are you going to win???

Today i won,just like yesterday.and the day before.

Best of all no lies,deceit and no more damage.

Just a 100% payrise.

Andy you know the drill.

Stick around,abstinence is something to enjoy.

Me??

It Will unjudged be a pleasure to walk by your side.

The gamble free bus awaits.

Duncs stepping forward never back

never give up giving up.

Thanks Duncan mate, gambling does have me licked mate, just love the god dam thrill of it and the danger but hate the losses. Sitting here, can't sleep can't bare to go to work, will probably throw a sick day, more lies, just need to see my dad need to know how much he can lend me as I'm screwed.

Yes I know the drill mate, this time I'm going to have to want to stop. I don't feel like I ever can so will take it one day at a time. My problems are deep but I can do it.

Getting back on the bus with you Duncan, tomorrow is my first day, going to need you. ;-(

Andy.

Take stock of things my friend.

At ga the love of gambling often comes up.

For me this is the compulsion/addiction talking.

As when asked the question.

When did you last win?? Win more than tomorrows stake ?? The answer is hard to find.

It is hard to remember a fella who walked into ga to help him abstain as he cannot stop winning!!!!!

In the cold light of day it is the other benefits that outweigh the financial gain.

The lies.

The sleep that evades you.

Work ethic.

Self respect.

These through abstinence are all on offer.

Duncs stepping forward never back

Thanks Duncan I know in a few months I will feel better just got to stay away from gambling, I can do it.

Day 1

Started my journey by taking the day off work. I couldn't possibly go in I was up until 4.30am in the morning and my head is all over the place. I will go round dads later to see how he can help me out. I'm worried because I'm going to need to ask him to lend me more than he would like, feel s**t for bringing it on him but I needed to ask someone and I just can't face my mum and stepdad about this and tell them I have slipped again, using the computer they bought me 2 months ago, they'll only feel terrible and take it away from me.

If dad can help me out of a whole then I've got a fresh start. Will update you later mate

To be honest Wilsy (without knowing your financial position) getting bailed out has been one of the worse things a loved one can do for me as it creates an insurance policy in my head. When I went on a binge in November, I did something different, I went a few weeks without ingredients for a proper meal, had to walk everywhere and generally, paid the price. My slips since have not been as big financially and I can only put this down to the fact that I have asked everyone I used to lend off, to never ever lend me money again, regardless of my situation. Just saying, think twice before taking a handout, if you do, take what you need no 'buffer'!

Take Care

Blues

Good luck with it mate. I know what you mean about the site kind of reminding you of the money you lost and it's easier to forget about it. I guess that's true, but for the meantime at least, I think it will help me remember why I am giving it up.

Hopefully you can think of it in the same way. When we've notched up some time under our belts without gambling, then maybe we won't feel the need to come onto the site at all.

Ryan

Hi Andy

Great to see u back for help and support yes it could be better for u but ur back cos u know its the right thing to do , remember no one judges on here we all want the same thing to go on to live better lives

I wish u well and keep fighting

Castle2

Hi wilsy

My advice to you is let your dad handle you finances and debt and you just pay him every month or when you get paid.

Wilsy,

Lovely to have you back with us on the forum albeit I wish the circumstances were a little better for you. I am so happy to see you return to see that you haven't given up hope. Too many people, especially newcomers, come to this forum and give up after the first relapse. I am convinced that you will recover from this addiction because deep down you will not allow yourself to give up giving up.

I am a serial quitter when it comes to smoking. It is nothing but drug addiction. When I can smoke as much as I like I hate it and only when I stop do I convince myself that I enjoy it and I'm being deprived of doing something that I like. Those are the words and thoughts of an addict. Our brains can convince us that we like something that we don't like. You mention that you didn't want to quit gambling because you enjoy it. I used to believe this was true also but it isn't. It is just the addiction talking. As soon as you begin to put the non-gambling days together you can begin to focus only on the positives. Positives such as having more money, enjoying deep peaceful sleeps, more time spent with the ones you love and enjoy being around, the fabulous mental freedom that one experiences when being at peace with himself and many, many more. I think people often feel deprived after giving something up but the brutal truth is we are not giving anything up we are simply ridding ourselves and our lives of the one thing that brings us nothing but sadness and unhappiness. We should celebrate this everyday.

I hope to see you around for a long, long time.

Good to have you back.

Tomso.

Day 3 - No bet today

What can I say guys, thanks so much for your kind words of support some from friends I have known since I have started this journey who have always been there for me even though I am not the best at posting back myself and others from new friends who I will follow the diaries of. The comments from Tomso really ring a bell with me, you are so god dam right, my addiction tells me I enjoy it but really I don't, I don't like the damage it causes and once I do start stringing these days together again, my head will soon clear and I'll start becoming focussed on what I am doing.

News for you is I will unfortunately be made redundant on the 5th of Feb. It was nothing personal apparently more to do with my work finding me a position but really the magazine didn't need a fourth person so they are letting me go. For those like Duncan and Tomso and Castle they will know I work in publishing sales and I have hated it for ages, this gives me the chance to think of a career change, I will keep you updated but I'm sure I will find something, it's just got to be something that makes me happier as I have known in the past problems at work have often triggered my big losses and having a happy life at work will surely contribute to helping me win my battle.

I will just have to take each day as it comes, I am unpredictable but what I will say is I will never give up.

Thanks again guys, I will read all of your posts and comment back soon.

I do feel much better now my dad has helped me, I have paid of my credit card in full and given the rest minus £100 to my girlfriend. Must stay strong and not gamble!