My recovery diary - Last bet 18/02/2012 - Forwards and upwards

Hi Andy

Sorry to hear about your setback. I'd been meaning to post on your diary for some time after your warm welcome you gave me when I started my diary on the 21st Jan.

Really hope you can get back on track and we can get through the year together. Can see with losing your job its a tough time but you've proved before you can do it - for long periods of time. Hopefully you can think about the cause of falling off, adjust accordingly, come back with a steely resolve.

Good luck

Hi Andy

Havent read all the thread, but understood you were on and off this for some time now.There are lot of things in life that will take a lot of time to achieve, so keep up the spirit and continue fighting.

We will lose the day we stop fighting than on the day we really lose. Think of number of years you havent gambled. I have gambled for 1.5 years, but not gambled for 30+ years!!!, I dont see a reason why I cannot do some thing I did for 30 years!!

Cheer up and move on fighting it

Wilsy,

Sorry to read about your recent struggles. Yesterday, I was in a very, very bad place but I awake this morning full of optimism. Like you, I have no money for the next month but I will brainstorm today and find away. I always do. I will call the bank and arrange for a short-term increase in my overdraft (not a lot just enough to get by until the next payday). Although I don't want to if I need to take some cash out of a credit card to get by and, sadly, to keep my demise a secret from my close ones then that is what I will do.

You mention that you will have to come clean to your family again. I don't pass judgement on others choosing this option because many say it makes them feel so very much better. For me, I told my wife once and although she was great at the time she didn't understand and it usually comes out every time we have an argument that involves points scoring. Once told never forgotten. So I like to keep it to myself.

I can totally relate to all that you have said and have always been able to in the past. Since I started gambling again I have started smoking 50 percent more than usual. I find myself chain smoking quite a lot. I have tried to lose a little weight since Christmas and for seven weeks wasn't able to shift anything significant. In the past six days I have lost seven pounds. My wife knows me and knows something aint quite right. I come home at night and I'm not really interested in dinner. Last night I came home and sat on the laptop for three hours in near silence. I find it hard to act that everything is fine when it is not.

One thing that I do know is that we are decent human beings. I have always found you to be a very nice and supportive friends on this site. We can definetely improve our lives and once and for all finally kick this destructive habit.

Today, I will not gamble and I will not smoke. I did this last time. The money saved from not gambling and not smoking amounts to a small fortune. This allows me to pay off my debts quickly. Two months from now I will be a different person and I invite you to join me.

Keep your chin up. There is always a way to work things out.

Tomso.

Day 1,

Thanks guys for your messages particularly to Duncan and Tomso who I have known since the outset.

Today is my first day. I am still sitting in bed, haven't eaten for 2 1/2 days, stink and feel very, very depressed. Have made an appointment with my doctor for next Wednesday morning which is a start.

I feel very fed-up, I don't even have the motivation anymore and don't even want to start my job in the 4th of March.

I just feel an absolute failure, a loser and an idiot for doing this to myself again and for ultimately hurting my family again.

The big question is today do I tell them or not? I see no option really, I haven't got any money and won't be able to hide my despair.

Reckon I will lose my girlfriend over this but feel she is slipping from me anyway.

Well I've done it I've told my mum and opened a can of worms, I'm going to wish I hadn't but what is done is now done, soon everyone will know, I'm going to tell my girlfriend in a minute, she'll probably leave me. Back in my room where I am going to stay all day. What a P***k I am!!

Andy

fella i can feel your pain, when i walked through the door to confess to the terrible place gambling had taken me, i had resigned myself to the fact i would lose everything. I will say this it amazed me how much support was on offer, even though i had lied and deceived them all. most of all i say hold this feeling,you feel now and when the urge to gamble comes along remember the feeling.

just for today hold on.

my friend you decided to do something for yourself and not your addiction.

for that well done and take it easy on yourself.

you cannot change the past but you can change your tomorrow.

duncs stepping forward never back.

Wilsy,

I hope all goes well for you today. Regardless, you start a new job on the 4th of March, which provides you with a fresh start. Try and keep your chin up buddie. We are in a fix but we aint finished. We'll get out and move onto enjoying a better life. Believe me.

Tomso.

Wilsy,

Thanks for the post. I don't want to get too personal but any chance you could speak to your mum and ask her not to tell your step-dad. I borrowed money from my mum yesterday and specifically asked her not to tell my dad. She doesn't know what the money is for but knows that I do not need the hassle of my dad on my back constantly asking when I will pay her back. Mums are the best. My dad is great too but a little old fashioned in the sense that asking for money isn't really acceptable. I have never asked him for money and only asked my mum on two seperate occasions. This time will be the last.

We need to remain positive at all times. I hope you don't get a hard time because that only knocks us backwards. I am convinced that people who haven't experienced situations like this themsleves can never understand. They want to the first time round but if there is a repeat performance they just don't get it.

You are right that we are embarking on this journey together. Let us both remember that. We can support each other. We both want the same thing and can achieve it by doing the right things.

I really hope that all goes well for you tonight but even if it doesn't just remember than only we can make the correct choices for ourselves. Lets both take responsibility for ourselves.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Tomso.

Hi Tomso,

There's no chance mate my mum can't keep a secret to save her life and because any financial support they'll have to give me to the end of March means that it comes out of both their monies and he will need to know. He tracks all of their money in and out and will want control of mine which is fine by me.

The abuse has already started or how I see it, 'Throwing stones'. The ones I don't want involved are my real dad and step mum. They helped me in January and lent me a substantial amount of money for them and I don't want to let them down. I will just have to think of a way of paying him back £100 a month for 10 months before I transfer my wages over. The main hassle I am getting is from my girlfriend. She gets into the zone of telling me who to tell and what to do next and it gets my back up. I just want them to understand the support they think they are giving me sometimes isn't support at all, it's called having a constant dig at me. Talk about letting the dust settle, I haven't got a penny to my name so I'm hardly likely to gamble they will just make me resent them.

Wilsy,

I feel for you buddie. As previously mentioned, I don't think telling people is the answer but I am in a minority with that one. I told my wife once before and although she is a lovely person anytime we have a disagreement about money she always throws gambling in my face. She doesn't know the trouble I am in and it would do no good for me to tell her. They simply don't understand. They try to at first but soon can't help spouting negative comments.

The money I borrowed from my mum will most probably be paid over the next ten months also although I will try to pay this back quicker if possible. The thing is I am rubbish at owing money I am always in such a rush to pay back. I managed to increase my overdraft today, which makes me far happier. I prefer to keep my troubles to myself.

I hope your GF and family lay off you some over the weekend. Nothing you can say will change their mind. Unfortunately they and you will need to be patient and when the days tick by and they see the improvements in your life they will become content.

Tomso.

Day 2

Thanks Tomso, I know what you mean but I'm a terrible liar and when there is no money left and know way of getting any I have no option but to come clean.

My step-dad knows and says it feels like I have slapped him in the face. This makes me feel terrible and he hasn't spoken to me yet.

I owe them big time now, no more mistakes. I will move out in October in the meantime any further support they give me mustn't be thrown back in their faces, I really need to pull my finger out and insist he helps me with my finances from now on.

At the moment it is calm in the house my girlfriend and mum have laid off a bit, hopefully they will realise it won't help matters by keep having a go at me.

I am trying to get a loan with Nationwide I need to not let this effect my family financially if I can help it.

Sorry to read about your slip but great to see you back posting and counting. Try not to overwhelm yourself thinking to far ahead. Every single day you beat this thing is a victory. Stay strong; here's to another day gamble free.

Px

Wilsy,

You have set your target for being out of the house by October so that is your goal now to be gamble free from now until then by which time you will be in a better state financially and mentally. I know you can do it.

Tomso.

Day 3

Thanks again Tomso, I have no option to move out in October, I won't have enough money to do anything with the cr** paid job that I will have but at least I'll be out of my parents faces.

Not up to much today just watching football.

DAY 4

The car has failed its MOT and is due to be picked up for £150 soon. So that's no transport now or money, so unfortunately for my poor parents they are going to have to loan me to get me mobile again. Mum keeps wanting to bring up what I have done and I've told her not to and that I am the one really suffering due to my blow out, she even for a moment almost withdrew the offer of some financial help to get a car sorted even though I know how much they fork out on my siblings and their children. This will be the last time I put myself and them in this position again. I will move out in October and stand on my own two feet from now on. I hate depending on others I'm no scrounger.