My recovery diary - Last bet 18/02/2012 - Forwards and upwards

Andy.

My friend great to read you are still making the right choice fella.

I hope it rewards your efforts, because you are earning them each day you remain gamble free.

I salute you.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

P.s I will be a silent eagles fan this weekend lol

DAY 223

Thanks Duncan, you won't believe who I am watching, only bloody Brighton!!!

Got two free 1901 tickets so taking a mate who supports them, I'm rooting for a Forest win, I can't stand those shirt lifters! lol

DAY 225

Had a good day yesterday catching up with an old friend and watching Brighton lose at the AMEX to Forest. I must say however I could get used to the 1901 hospitality tickets that I had, and what a ground, just a shame it's Brighton's!

Just got up this morning and have a birthday dinner to go to later, so must get moving soon.

No urges, spent £170 on two new rear tyres yesterday, so money is tight anyway without risking or blowing it, enjoying spending it on things that I need.

Hi Wilsy and well done on your gambling free time.

I like what you say about enjoying spending money on things that I need (or want I would add) rather than gambling.

If I was still gambling I would not have a mountain bike or a Garmin runners watch or be running the Great south run (£41!)... so thankyou for reminding me of these facts.. regards... S.A 🙂

DAY 226

Thanks SA I will post you back tomorrow just a little worked up right now, got girlfriend trouble.

Where do I start well, I am sitting up late unable to sleep, angry, feel destructive, paranoid all because my so-called girlfriend in my opinion is taking the bloody mickey out of me and I don't think I can put up with it anymore.

I do love her but that is diminishing by the day all because of how she is treating me. She uses me like a doormat, doesn't communicate properly, lets me down to spend all of the day/nights with her mum and sister (won't cut the apron strings), doesn't talk to me nicely, messes me around, stresses me out, shows me no respect or appreciation and isn't affectionate, I can hardly get near her. All in all I am very, very unhappy and she lives 100 miles away and puts down us ever talking about the future!

I just wish I could really be strong enough to just tell her where to go, really I do but deep down I don't, I am afraid of doing something rash but she'll never change it will just go on like this and I know I must surely deserve more from a relationship and I'm pretty sure she isn't very happy with me right now either!

Just P***** off, she hangs up on me, talks down to me, well I have virtually had enough!

What on earth should I do as I am worried I'll gamble if I break up with her. 🙁

Hi Wilsy,

A huge well done on 226 days gamble free. It makes me smile when I see how far u have come. I am soooo proud of u. Thanks 4 giving me hope 🙂

I am sorry 2 read about ur gf, only u can make the rite choice there. But u r turning ur life around and u deserve nothing but happiness. Wotever choice u make pls remember that gambling will only cause u more unhappiness. It is not the answer. U r doing brilliant!

I hope u make the rite choice 4 u, we r all here if u need us 🙂

Stay strong xx

Hi Charlotte, thanks for your post I will post you back tonight at work.

Well folks my run of 226 consecutive days of not gambling has come to an end I am afraid, I gambled last night and lost £190.

I feel a little sad but knew what I was doing and can only explain at the time that it was something I wanted to do, even though I felt cr** afterwards.

Will post more tonight but apart from feeling a little numb and disappointed, I am not being harsh on myself, just pleased I didn't too much damage and intend not to chase.

Starting again but as this is my diary and I am not judged for a record I am going to judge my progress by listing my days like this.

226/227 Gamble Free Consecutive days.

Today is day 1 (Aim to pass 226 days but to ultimately reach 365/366 Gamble Free Days).

If I can chart my progress this way instead of forgetting what I have achieved and just starting at day '0' again, then I won't feel so bad.It is only one blip in 227 days, but yes my journey starts again today, I'm just going to have to keep this secret to myself, I don't want to worry family etc about one day.

I did it because of sheer anger, that was my trigger, I went and did what I did because I wanted too at the time, I didn't want anything to stop me, that's how I can explain it.

Still positive and this has only knocked me slightly, am fine today. 🙂

Hello Wilsy,

Sorry to hear about your little slip, but as we say: Progress not Perfection!

And you doing just that, you haven't got gambling head on, you gone back on a wagon straight away..Well done, you are strong and determined. Do not look at it as day one, because it's not.

You should be so proud...we can only learn from mistakes and this addiction is one of the toughest to beat...but you are doing it..and will get to the other end!!

Take care

Day at a time

Sandra x

227/228

(One blip)

Hi Sandra, thanks so much for your post, I'm going to post you right back.

My reflection on yesterday is (Now that my head is straight and I am calm). Going 226 Days gamble free was great and would have loved to have reached 250+ but I'm not feeling too bad actually. I am doing well and like Feb said I look at the bigger picture now, I slipped once in 227 days and there wasn't too much damage done. I will start again and this is DAY 1 Completed but as long as I see more days not gambling and less gambling that will do me.

Through this battle I have become much more tuned to my condition, I have accepted due to my personality that I will have the odd blip and binge bet unfortunately as the main trigger for me is anger. When I lose my temper nothing can stop me and if I want to go and blow some money I will. I must say I haven't felt like I did yesterday for the full duration of my recent run of non-gambling, girl-friend really got under my skin and I knew what I wanted to do, go a little mad!

Feel fine about it now everyone, sorry to let anyone down, I haven't let myself down, this was and is always bound to happen in a whole lifetime, I have accepted it, now I will get on with it, forget it and keep racking up those days. If I can get to Christmas now with no more errors, I can look back at a pretty successful year and *** at this.

Cheers for your support as you can see I do still need it 🙂

**** I just posted this on Sandra's page and it means a lot to me and I can relate to it, I don't expect everyone else to agree with my feelings here but this is how I look at things ****

'I'm not sure about you but maybe we both slip when we are frustrated or angry with a situation in our lives. We go into that dark place for a little while because we are so used to running away and punishing ourselves for feeling low and messing everything up.

In time I'm sure we or most of us will abstain for years but as it is so difficult, why beat ourselves up for gambling once, twice or three times in a whole year, I'm going to accept that this will happen to me more likely and when it does, as long as I don't lose much and don't start gambling regularly then hopefully there will be nothing to worry about. My recent loses I have confessed on my diary as I won't lie to my fellow friends on here'.

Hi Wilsy,

I think you've more or less said it all. Gambling is like a reaction to life don't you think??... a reaction to the stress in our lifes and a difficulty in being able to handle that stress in less self-destructive ways.

As you say yourself you've done a good long stretch gambling free (well done!) and from what you say you were in a highly volatile state when you chose to gamble. But what's done is done and you've come clean and you are moving on with a little more self-awareness under your belt.

I have and continue to go through a very similar process to what you are going through and what so many others are going through. United we stand. keep safe... S.A 🙂

Hey Wilsy,

Thanx for popping in and sharing your thoughts. Most appreciated. That's right, we never chatted before, but hey - better later than never:-)

I do understand the way you look at coping with this addiction and i have to agree, compulsive nature is going to be here forever and of couse unwanted slips are possible. But as you say, they are only a slips, and as soon as we get back on straight and narrow we are still the winners!

It's weird, because my slip costed me £2 but i couldn't stop beating myself up. It's not about money, it's dealing with problems and stress( or whatever bothers us) head on...we need to look fear and anger in the eye and deal with it.

Running away and start gambling is not the way out..what to feel relieved for an hour or two...for then later suffer for weeks or months....depression, financial situation, others suffering couse of that.....Nahh..thank you....there are other better ways to cope with all problems.

Anyway, good to see you are straight back on a wagon and wish you all the best. Keep posting and i will look forward following ur progress:-)

Take care

Day at a time

Sandra x

Andy.

fella it is with a deep heart I post on your thread my friend, well done for being honest with yourself in the regards for going back at it but fella I wish you would read what you posted, it is like the speach of someone setting themselves up for a fall, you are giving in to your addiction, allowing it any time, so you had a bet, you are back to day 1, get up dust yourself down and find a way for that next punt not to happen.

You like me are a compulsive gambler every time you have a bet you take away more than just the 190 quid or whatever you lose, you justify addiction, fella let it in and you know the outcome, carnage, more lies to your parents, girlfriend all because you will chase, thats what active we do.

Please use your honesty to build resolve not allow addiction back into your life, f**k my friend I took twenty years of kidding myself before the penny dropped, you have a choice to make my friend, you are a working progress, but talking about allowing slips/blips/stress relief or whatever you want to flower it up as simply this.

YOU ADDICTION talking bo###llocks!!!!

I am and always will support you my friend, a bond we share and I will always be by your side.

My hope you re-read your last few posts and just consider what you are setting yourself up for.

With integrity and honesty your friend and fellow compulsive gambler

Duncs

Hi Andy

Really proud of u for dealing with the slip been honest owning up then looking at the trigger excepting it and moving on, I can honestly say its the best way the acceptance that we will silp at some stage is something we all av to deal with, I did and would deal with it exactly the same way

Life is too short to beat ourselves up the worst thing we can do is go back to gambling fully but we won't we av too much knowledge the pain and misery a life we don't want no more

Respect to u

Castle2

DAY 228/229

Hi Duncan thanks for your post mate. I have read through my last posts and they make much sense to me. I don't firmly believe I will never ever bet again and I am pleased with how I have dealt with this difficult situation.

I had to look for positives, ways of dealing with what has just happed in a different way to last time. Everyone deals with this their own way and I will deal with what is now. The past is in the past it is the resolve that matters now, how you deal with things moving forward. My guard is back on the bat back in my hands and I'll defend my wicket. (What's all this Cricket talk, I hate Cricket). Cheers anyway Duncan, we are all different mate and we look at things differently. I've had my fall and have picked myself up.

Castle, thanks also mate, I was in a volatile situation, that was the trigger, I wanted to do what I did and I can't say it won't happen again in my life which is a very long time, I just need to continue to be honest with myself and not put myself under pressure. I haven't beaten myself up I feel actually very good, I'm carrying on with my target now of trying to reach a year with only one blip.

Day 2 of my sequence of non-gambling days has gone very well today. Respect back Castle a gambling free life I still very much want 🙂