Hi Everyone,
This is not my first diary unfortunately, but as always I hope it is my last. I am 28 and have been gambling for 11 years. I have managed 18 months but a stupid relaspe got my well hooked again and since then have not managed to go very far without relapsing.
The path in to gambling was the same as most others, low level fruit machines, then bookies, the odd big win and then been a constant fixture in bookies and the on to the dangerous online world.
Today alone I have just wasted £300. I should have no debt but I now have £3,200. It makes me sick writing that as it will take around a year of hard work to get that paid off. That means not buying myself anything. The only saving grace is that I have an amazing wife. She has got us to put money in to an account over the last year which has meant we are able to go to Thailand in 3 weeks. I feel I don't deserve this. Other than this my lifestyle is quite minimalistic, not through choice, through gambling. I earn average wage which should mean I can spend some money on myself but I never do as it is always gambled.
I just cannot seem to get off the online slots at the moment. I also know that i will always lose which will not make sense to anyone who hasn't got a complusive gambling nature. Sometimes I can't wait to lose so its over. The pattern is normally waste around £2-600 of my wages until i have nothing left other than bills money which goes out straight away. I'll then scrape by until next payday and do it all again. Sometimes I will borrow more on credit cards before the month is out and this will get gambled away as well.
The plan is to set up direct debits for my debt which will not crease me like they have been. It will take 12 months but I don't want lack of money to be a reason to gamble. I have blocking software on my laptop which works well, have tried gamblock, k9 etc for my mobile but it doesn't work very well at all. I'm even considering swapping my iphone for a Samsung as I believe the blocking software is better?
Everytime I gamble and lose, I self exclude. I am self excluded at almost every online casino but there will always be more.
I am considering convincing my wife that our wages get put in to our joint account so it can be monitored. I would not even think about gambling if this was the case and looks to be my best way to success.
I really want to tell my wife but she has lost a close family member recently and I simply cannot put this on her now.
Filling the gambling void should be easy as I'm always busy and always have stuff to do. I've nearly finished building an extension and cycle around 100 miles a week alongside full time shift work.
So here is to my recovery, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated, I need to stop this now and forever!
Thanks for reading,
James
Hi James! It sounds like you have learnt from your recent slip and are putting the barriers in place. With regard to your mobile, all UK NPs should allow you to block 18+ services, so hit the problem at the network level rather than at the phone level ... and it'll save you having to fork out for a new device.
Putting the money in a joint account is a good idea, but putting it somewhere you can't touch is of course better still. Other than your wife, is there someone else who can help you deal with finances? I understand your reason for not telling your wife, as you want to protect her, but are you certain it is not because you want to protect yourself more? Does she have any idea about what you've been up to for the past 11 years? As I said only this morning on my own thread. It's not so much about money, it's about the breakdown of trust. If your wife discovers your secret, rather than you confessing it, that trust will be much more severly damaged. I am not saying you should do one thing or the other, that's not my place. I am just making observations honed (unfortunately) from 25 years experience. Cheers, whatami
The joint account is a good one. When you know it'll be noticed if you take out large sums of cash, it'll be a good blocker to gambling. Set up a direct debit/standing order from a joint account to your account for you bills and leave the rest of th evcash in the joint account.
Also consider setting up a credit union account. Set up a standign order for £xxx each month and treat it as an expense to pay each month. You can have that £3k+ cleared off sooner than you think. You'd need £1k in credit union savings to get a credit union loan out to clear the £k debt. Credit union rates of interest are low too so you'd save money that way as well.
But...and it's a big but....It's your call what you feel you have to do. Don't take my word as gospel. Good luck 🙂
Day 1
Thanks whatami and Mccawpa for your kind words of support.
I don't have anyone else that would be able to look after my finances and yes she does know about my gambling but just not this recent bout. It's a good point, there probably is a degree of me using the bereavement as an excuse to not tell her. It's something that is constantly on my mind.
In relation to the credit union, I'm already with one for my loan which comes out of my wages so I don't ever see it.
Today has been okay, in work all day and then straight out on my bike. Had a good think and trying to stop wishing time away for when I'm debt free. I've concentrated so hard on paying back my gambling debts as a punishment that I've lost the focus on the main issue, the gambling!
Onwards and upwards here is not a life on happiness!
Day 2
Had a good day today, visited family and went out for dinner with them then on my bike for a nice sunny 23 mile ride.
Keeping busy is doing me the world of good as it not only takes my mind off gambling, it also takes my mind off debt which is normally always going around my head.
No major urges today, still fuming about how much I've lost recently to be attracted to gambling but the urges will definitely come, especially around pay day next week and I need to be ready for that!
Thanks for reading
James
Take it all one day at a time, you're doing great so far.
Keeping busy is honestly one of the best ways to help get through those first few days. I took up exercise and it did wonders, especially the feeling you get after it, makes you feel even more determined to succeed.
Have you got any practical blocks in place ready for your payday?
Day 3
Thank for your support Adam, I do find it really hard to get through these first few days but am getting there slowly. The cycling is defintely helping raise my mood and makes me feel a lot better. In terms of blocks I've got blocking software on my laptop and have requested parental filters from 02 on my phone although these haven't gone on yet.
I'm going to Thailand in less than 3 weeks and I really don't want to be skint for that so that is my main driving force at the moment.
I have been thinking about gambling today though but I've got too much to lose and was able to talk the urge down. Hopefully I can remain in control
Thanks for reading
James
Hi James! I might not have posted on your thread for a while, but I am still reading and wanted to hop on and congratulate you on your first few days. These are the toughies as I am sure you know. Well done on getting the blocks in place, it's so easy to think that you can manage without them, and oh so untrue. Keep that holiday at the front of your mind as your motivation and I am sure you can get there safe and sound. All the best, whatami.
Day 8
Thanks again Whatami, your support is greatly appreciated. I think the holiday is definetely keeping me from wasting my money at the moment.
Not posted for a few days as I've been mad busy. I have had some big urges over this time and even found myself clicking on a promo email from a gambling site that I thought I'd self excuded. I then went on to play some demo slots and thought this would be it. But I started to think about things, like the money I was going to deposit (at least 100) and what it could be spent on. I also thought about the support i'd received on here and thought it would all be a waste if i clicked the deposit button.
So I clicked the self exclude button instead and was so proud of myself.
Pay day today and have already put most of it in our joint account and whats left is for direct debits and bills etc.
Each day not gambling is a good day!
Onwards and upwards
James
Hi James! Correct decision, well done mate. I know from personal experience the temptation of that scenario as I went through exactly the same process myself, and like you felt rightly proud of the choice I made. It just shows when even just a little of the gambling fog has been lifted, we give our rationality a chance, we CAN make the right decisions. I hope you go from strength to strength in week two.
Day 16
Thanks again for the kind support Whatami, it really was a small but very large victory!
Not posted in a while as i've not had my latop for a while. Still going strong and managing the urges well which already are getting few and far between. This is solely down to not having any money even if i wanted to gamble. I've had opportunities at the start of the month to gamble and showed restraint so I don't fear pay day as much. I just need to remember how destructive this problem is and not underestimate it.
Onwards and update,
James
Day 43
I've been unable to post while I've been away and happy to report that I'm still gamble free. Going away, I had a lot of time to think. Made me think a lot about my addiction and how it has ruined large parts of my life. As depressing as it sounds, I was more like a kick up the @r*e to encourage me to stay away from this horrible addiction. Once I gamble, I cannot stop myself. I know I will never be able to have a flutter on the football for example. So I need to concentrate on not initiating any form of gambling.
I have debt when I should have savings but there is no point in dwelling on the past. Going away made me see the lifestyle that is possible if I can just keep away from gambling.
As time goes on, it can feel slightly easier each day that goes by but I need to keep remembering how each day is a massive victory.
Onwards and upwards,
Thanks for reading
James
Day 49
7 weeks gamble free today and the big 50 tomorrow. Have been handling the urges well recently and just feel a lot stronger than my other efforts. The urges don't manifest themselves in to something I can't shake anymore. They are still present but seem like a passing thought.
Trying to manage the right amount of money to repay in gambling debt each month. I usually set it really high as a punishment but this time I've lowered it somewhat. In previous efforts this has been the cause of going back to gambling.
Just need to keep this up for another 50 days...
onwards and updates
James
Day 60,
Had a few urges of late, nothing major, just gambling ads catching my eye. I don't think this will ever leave me but it is how I handle them that is important.
The key to getting 2 months without gambling is definitely keeping busy. I hardly have time to come on here. It feels good to be away from gambling even though its only been 2 months. My money is lasting me the whole month (nearly) and I am finally making some progress with my debts. I've worked out that if I work some overtime and carry on using most my wages for my debts then i'll be debt free for Christmas. It won't be easy but it is possible, as long as I don't relapse.
Starting to see how much better life without gambling is and this helps with the urges as I don't want to go back to the person i was.
Onwards and upwards
James
Day 76
Had some strong urges to gamble again, this was brought on by gambling ads. It's so annoying that you self exclude to all casinos and they still email and text you with offers. Luckily this time i've seem them for what they are and got more angered than tempted.
Still keeping busy which is the key for me. It's easy at this stage to think that I'm over this disease, but I've fell victim to complacency too many times so I keep telling myself i'm a problem gambler, I can never gamble.
I don't need to gamble, its done nothing but harm me. This gamble free life is way better!
Thanks for reading
James
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