My recovery from a huge online slots addiction!

Day 0

They got me again! Had a few urges recently to gamble and convinced myself that gambling on fruit machines is okay. This is madness as I know this is how it all falls down. I was doing so well. I managed to sneak off while shopping and go on the fruit machines in an arcade. I was drawn to the FOBT style ones they have in there and put all the money i had on me in to the machine which was about £60.

Not satisfied with that, I then withdrew £100 from the conveniently placed cash machine next to the machine I was on. That went, so withdrew another 150. That almost went but won £420 between this machine and one in a bookies.

I lost 70 of this and then deposited the rest in to my bank. As I knew I'd fell off the horse, I decided to put £250 in to an online casino and got a match bonus to £500. I played blood suckers, and then dead or alive. Absolutely nothing from £500 but I'm glad. It could only end this way but at least this was the least wastage of time. I feel really dissappointed, to have gotten close to 100 days and throw it all away. The only good thing is that my total losses aren't as big as others. I'm around £180 down but that is still an extra credit card repayment so there is another month added on to my debts.

The main worry is that I was feeling good and in control and for some reason I lost it. I worry that this will be the cycle of my life now and can't break the habbit. In a weird way I miss gambling even though I hate it. It's so strange.

Anyway, I've got to right this day off as I'll just be feeling sorry for myself, onward and updates

James

Back to square one, another relapse today.

Always find it so hard to get back on the wagon after going some time without gambling. I've relapsed numerous times in the last two weeks.

I know what I need to do but can't help feeling a bit down about it all. I've gambled away most my money and will have to sell some things that I really don't want to, to get through this month. Maybe this is the kick up the @r*e I need!

I've been gambling for 10-11 years now and I'm just tired of it. At points i'm praying for the money to run out in my balance just to end the misary. It's like a drug addict that has had that many drugs that they need them just to be normal. I feel like this as I don't get the same highs from gambling, just this urge that I need to do it.

So back to basics, all the blocks are in place barring my phone which I won't sort unless I sell it for an Android phone.

So here is to the start of the next attempt at recovery and the start of a very skint month!

Thanks for reading

James

Hey James I've read your journey buddy . Keep on fighting you were doing so well . What doesn't kill you make you stronger . Have you told your other half that you've started again after 18 months of GF ? I can't really speak for myself as I'm only 14 days GF . Good luck and keep us updated .

Sars

Day 1

Thanks for taking the time to post on my diary Sars, much appreciated. I haven't told her yet as she is going through a lot and I can't bare to put any more on her at the moment. I really wanted to tell her yesterday but she was upset about thing shes got going on. I will tell her in time as she deserves to know.

14 days is great mate, I think the first month is by far the hardest part so keep up the good work!

I'm keeping busy today, going to go on a family walk which will do me good then will take my Dad out for a few pints for Fathers day.

Just need to start managing these urges!

Thanks again for reading

James

Hi James,

Sorry to hear you had a slip. I can understand and empathise with everything you said about the online casinos in your earlier posts. In the past I have spent and wasted so much, each time knowing that I probably wouldn't win, and that even if I did I would gamble it all away until not a penny remained.

With revards paying your debts, have you considered a Debt Managenent Plan? I set one up with StepChange and pay a fixed affordable amount each month on payday. It's a free service and they help you work out how much to pay. It also prevents you from taking our further credit in the future .

I relapsed a few weeks ago. My partner found out - I wish I had told him - but he is helping he with my money from now on. I have relapsed so many times, always thinking I can control and set myself limits but I am a compulsive gambler and I play to lose.

Anyways, good luck with your journey pal.

James

Day 3

Thanks for your post Sully, playing to lose sounds so ridiculous and something that only other gamblers would understand. I'm glad to hear that your partner is supportive through these hard times, that will be a huge help for you. I haven't considered a DMP before and didn't know it prevents you getting credit in the future, I will have to have a look in to that.

I've managed to convince my wife that we should have a joint account where all our money goes. This is a huge development for me as it takes away the opportunity to gamble online as it would be seen on the statement by my wife. I'm feeling really good about this, this is the big blocker that I need. There will be some sort of personal allowance that will be paid in to our own accounts but I can manage this by getting a cash only card. It at the very least limits my losses so I cannot lose anywhere near what I have done in the past.

This will take a few weeks to set up so I need to remain on my guard and keep fighting the urges off which are quite frequent at the moment.

Thanks for reading

Onwards and Upwards

James

Hi gamblerjames.

Well done. I can see from reading your posts that you are not going to give up trying to give up gambling.

Please don't think that your are back to day 1 of trying not to gamble cos I don't think that. I know you've gave in to your addiction but each time will be a learning experience for you and you'll pick yourself up and keep trying.

Try looking at it as though it's however number of days it is from the 17 March when you started and the times when you've given in to your addiction as blips along the way, or add a second heading of gamble free days.

Because you've definitely had more days of resisting and not gambling than actually gambling and that is great.

I wish you well on your recovery journey x

Day 8

Thanks for the post on my diary Magsy, it is very much appreciated. I like your way of thinking, it is a journey with potentially many hurdles, slips and falls but it is how we deal with them that determines out success. I'm very guilty of getting so far with it and then when I have a minor slip, I go all out then thinking that its all over.

Still working on the finances going in to a shared or joint account. Hopefully will be all set up soon. No major urges to gamble as I don't have the money but worrying have been watching some online slots videos on youtube. I guess I just miss them which is very sad!

Thanks for reading

James

Day 12

Hi all, greatful to say i'm still gamble free. I have had numerous big urges but fortunately not given in. I don't really have enough money to gamble. It's got that out of hand that £50 isn't enough for me to gamble. This is sad because this is a lot of money!

I have been playing the demo mode on some slots just to get my fix. I can do this for 1-2 hours. This sounds rediculous but this is how much I'm addicted to these things. I'm stopping myself from doing this now as i don't think its helping, I need to just get the slots out of my life.

The good news is that the finances have all been switched to a joint account. This is going to be one of the best blocks i'll have ever put in place and i'm really positive about this working!

Onwards and upwards

James

Day 1

Well, all I can say is that I'm struggling big time! I just can't get out of the habit of gambling at the moment. After such a positive last post, I should have been in the right frame of mind to carry on the fight.

I'd just sorted my finances out and had to pay out for an unexpected purchase. I applied to extend my overdraft to cover it and pay it off over the next few months. The process was too easy. I then found that I could extend it to a lot more than I thought with my credit rating. This got my gambling brain working and started to look for casinos online that I hadn't excluded from. It was quite depressing going through the hundreds of casinos knowing i've had accounts and self exluded with them after losing.

I did find one eventually, deposited and lost £330. I then self excluded. The next day, I went on the search again and found another one. I deposited £200 and somehow got up to £2000. I withdrew the max amount which was £1000 and played until I lost the other grand.

Thinking that I was 'up', I went in to a bookies and played with £200 cash and lost it in half an hour.

I've since looked in to the casino i'm waiting for the £1000 from and I've noticed that they have a sister site that I have self excluded from in the past. So I am waiting for the email to say that my winnings are confiscated. I can't tell you how fed up of this lifestyle I am! Its too stressful living life on the edge all the time.

The casino owners are evil, the above is a classic example of how they use self exclusion to take even more money. I'm not going to rant because I shouldn't have deposited in the first place.

I need to get back on top of this recovery once and for all. I need to get back to where I was when I didn't gamble for 18 months. At least I have this hope that i can do it again.

So back to day 1 and £520 more in debt.

Onwards and upwards,

I cannot win because i cannot stop....

James

Day 1.... again!

I'm still struggling to get away from these evil slots. The £1000 hit my account and gambled £550 of it away leaving me around £600 overdrawn. This has increased my gambling debts by around £200 at least.

It's not even about the money anymore. Money doesn't hold any value at the moment. Due to the amount I throw away it's hard to quantify its value. The only way I will be able to find it's worth is to face up to my debts and stay clear of gambling.

I can never walk away being 'up' and this is why I ended up gambling money I needed to keep as I felt I was up. So when we win, we gamble more until it's all gone plus some more and when we lose we lose it anyway.

Aside from the money the whole gambling addiction is taking its toll on me as a person. I'm feeling pretty down and have no reason to be. I'm tired of the lies and the constant stress!

Hard to convince even myself this is it after all the recent failed attempts but I've got to start somewhere. Thanks for reading, James

Day 3

Plenty of urges to gamble. Have really had to be tough on myself to stop myself going in to the bookies. I have had to means to gamble as well, although its not my money I do have available funds on an overdraft and normally I gamble until there is nothing left.

Just trying to keep busy, my life is already more enjoyable by not being a slave to my phone to find casinos that will execpt me as I'm self excluded to pretty much every available site.

I'm taking this journey really seriously, I am trying to learn more about myself, why I gamble and what causes the urges. I need to always remind myself I am a gambling addict and will never be able to gamble again no matter how many gamble free days go by.

Onwards and upwards

Thanks for reading

James