My story

Matt,

Welcome to the forum and congratulations on making the most decisive step which is to admit that your gambling has become unmanageable. You will receive nothing but support here and there is a wealth of knowledge available.

We sound a little similar. I also have a good job with good pay and started gambling later than the average age for a gambler. My downfall is roulette and I don't gamble every day but rather go periods of time without gambling only to relapse in spectacular style. The problem with this is my debt has remained the same for the past five years yet I am always only a year away from being debt free.

I use a series of different blocks to prevent me from gambling. I don't take a bank card to work, which has proved to be my best block. I carry small amounts of change and manage this well without any real problems. A well known user on this site uses a triangle of money - time - location. Take one away and you cannot bet.

I am doing well recently and I think it is because I am starting to once again notice all the benefits I get from not gambling. No more worry or sleepless nights. Once again, I am starting to spend money on myself and the people most important to me and this fills me full of great happiness. I take it one day at a time and the more I string together the better I feel.

I also find having a distraction can help. Most of us are compulsive on here so why not find something healthy to put all our energy into. I ran my first marathon yesterday and the training has been a great way to focus on something else.

More than anything spend as much time on your recovery as you did on your gambling. Come here every day and post on your diary and read and post on others. The people who do this seem to achieve success in abstaining from gambling. The people who are not ready yet or simply cannot be bothered tend to return to their old ways.

I wish you well.

Tomso.

Hi Matt - Welcome to the forum. Your story sounds so similar to my own. Binge gambling, big online losses (I managed to lose £10K in 1 session), similar debts, trying to work out how to pay it all back. And yes, the 'big' win will never arrive - it never does for a complusive gambler because even if you did have an unlikely win, no matter how hard you try, you'll go back for more and lose it all - that's 100% guaranteed. Again, been there, and ended up with nothing every single time - in fact whatever have won, put a negative sign in front of it, because that's what I end up losing in the end. I almost lost everything to gambling, wife, kids, family, house, probably job, self-respect - I'm convinced it was 1 more binge away from that, but I threw myself into work, as much overtime as I could do, as much extra cash I could earn to get those awful debts paid. That's not the route taken by everyone, and for some it doesn't work, but it worked for me - and the thought of hours and hours of overtime over a period of months lost in a single stupid binge was enough to make me think twice about gambling again. Matt, we all need to start at Day 1, but make sure that this is your first and last Day 1.

Tomso,

I'm incredibly grateful for you taking the time to reply. You are right I have probably been a little complacent in the past and whilst this morning I was gutted about yesterday in terms my losses I reluctantly feel glad that it's come crashing down. I enjoyed my pre gambling life a lot and I've enjoyed periods of abstinence as well. Time to make it permanent!! Thanks again

Michael I am moved by your honesty and candour. Work is a very good point. I'm looking at promotion over the next 12 months so in many ways things can only get better. Thanks

So Day 2 begins. I'm grateful that I slept well last night but my immediate reaction on waking up is the reality of what I have done. Replaying the situation in my head is a real struggle for me, thinking what might have been if I'd done things differently. Deep aching regret. The only antidote is cold hard acceptance of what is and taking each day as it comes, simply. This last point is important because reflecting more broadly gambling is just an extension of a bigger issue for me ...desire and excess and pleasure seeking with little moderation or control. The wheel on that bus has well and truly fallen off and I now have to find the strength to live differently. It is going to be hard for me...no doubt but I am determined to use this diary to help me every step of the way.

The other issue that is a real eye opener for me today is how I have constantly and complacently let my controls slip. After a bad loss in the past I've tried to 'chase' it in a controlled way...buying multiple scratchcards in hope of a big prize. The only good thing is this situation has forced me to see the slippery slope that is with a cavernous hole at the bottom.

Finally real responsibility, I'm in an immediate corner till pay day financially. Normally it would be be a bail out time... A small loan from a friend etc etc but I'm not doing it this time unless its absolutely necessary and not just for comfort.

These are my reflections today. I'm finding writing this very cathartic and I hope in days to come to look back and see the journey I've been on. Thanks for reading/ sharing

So the rest of yesterday was very practical for me. I did an online assessment with step change and I can recommend it to everybody as it looks at all your debts, your income and outgoings and suggests a plan.

The result. I'm 33k in debt but I am fortunate in that I can meet all my financial commitments and be debt free in 2 years which is a fortunate position to be in.

I think the feelings of despair/ anger are giving way to a greater sense of peace over the last 24 hours. I feel my huge slip on Monday was almost inevitable given the stage I was at in terms of self awareness, my gambling and recovery. I'd convinced myself I could control my gambling it's as simple as that and many times I did. A little win and I would take it etc etc and not connect that over a longer time it would just go back to gambling. Effectively I have been managing my losses and what I did not see was they were getting more significant because I've had access to finance to cover it so to speak. This combined with a deep sense within me still of wanting/ believing I could get a big win would inevitably lead to a big explosion and it was. 12k of the debt above was from one roller coaster night of indulgence, utter loss of control.

I am glad in some ways it happened and happened now. I've been through the most shocking 36 hours of pain, grief, anger beyond anything I have experienced before and it is absolutely the bottom. I have no capacity on credit ( thank god) no loans I can take (thank god) and it has brought me to a position I have never probably been in before with my gambling. Counselling/ the help on here has believe it or not given what i have said really chipped away and exposed some of the issues that have led to me gambling. I guess what was really lacking was a full, comprehensive commitment on my part to examine the way I think about life, how it should be lived, what is valuable,what can be lived without, what makes life palatable and recognise that you have to go very very deep to find the root of addiction to stop it and you have to behave/ act fundamentally differently. No compromise, no complacency, no b******t (to yourself and others).

I've not gambled since the binge, I'm sure I will have ups and downs in my mood but today I feel happy because I have new insight, new wisdom and real motivation to go forward day by day gamble free.

It's Friday and I'm a little subdued this morning. I think it's just the enormity of the challenge really. I've realised over the past few days that the gambling is a layer of several addictions that I've had for the last twenty years. Spending and debt addiction has been a huge part of my life since I was 20. It's like the hugest lightbulb moment for me this week and I suppose the reason for feeling a little subdued is that dislike of what is in front of me. But I was reading something this morning that is so very true and that is that I am at a crossroads(as we all are) and I can choose the soft path of familiarity or choose the hard road of change. The good thing about this week is I totally see the soft road for what it is, an illusion, a road that leads nowhere. As much as I am struggling on this new path I don't want the comfort of the old one. I suppose that in itself is a good indicator of the shift for me this time.

Two other things happened yesterday that were significant. I got an acceptance for a credit card through that I applied for many weeks before my latest slip. Normally I would have been euphoric, signed it and posted it back. Instead I stuck it in a drawer. Today I'm ripping it up.

Secondly, I met a very dear friend who has been a great support to me over the years. We talked about my latest mistake and this journey I am on. We set renewed boundaries for the friendship ( my call initially but her desire given recent events) emotional and practical support but no bailouts ...tbh this was more to do with my overspending than gambling but nevertheless it's important.

So I'm pretty much day by day taking decisions that will take me on this new path and as hard as it is I want to keep going. Why? Because I know the old path well, it's well trodden I know it's grooves, it's twists, it's turns, it's highs, lows and potholes. I don't know where this new path will take me and lead but I have great hope that it will be somewhere different to where I have ended up before.

Matt,

Well done for getting involved on here. I've just been checking out your diary which, like many others on here, struck several familiar chords with me.

Like you, I am a horrendous binge gambler. I have spent the majority of the past decade happily abstaining, but tear my whole life to pieces in hours/days/weeks of concentrated madness. Having been 'clean' for 18 months, I lost 30k online in the space of a few days last December, which finally brought me to my knees. I have found there is only one certainty with my gambling - and that is that once I start I will not stop until it has completely destroyed me.

I can completely relate to what Michael says... I too feel like I am not sure I have another 'meltdown' left in me. I am amazingly lucky to have a strong family unit around me (and have never lost more than money - albeit a hell of a lot). But the places I have been to mentally... if I go down again, I' not sure I'll recover. That clarity is empowering for me.

Try not to be too hard on yourself. The early days are the hardest (and will inevitably be filled with waves of bitterness, anxiety and self-recrimination). Get the support you need, and ride out the difficult part. Your debts are significant, but you are in an enviable position - obviously highly intelligent/in a good job with the means to pay it off, there is a way out for you. For many others on here, the prospect of 10-15 years to pay off their debts is not uncommon.

Good luck to you pal. Feel free to check in on my diary.

D123

D123. Thank you for taking the time to reply it's greatly appreciated. I intend to stick with this completely. I don't have another meltdown in me I have absolutely reached the end with it. You are right about being kind to yourself in the early days...I have to accept I've failed but I'm trying hard to stay away from negative personal thoughts they lead nowhere. Also I am very lucky in that with concerted effort I can sort this out and in some ways as I have said I needed to sort other stuff out too. I will check your diary and thanks again.

Thalid - I've been reading your diary with interest - your situation very similar to my own.

I am a binge gambler and after a "session" would promise myself not to go back - typically this would last a few weeks and then the cycle started again - carefully controlled bets on the online casinos over a number of weeks - typically building up a nice 5 figure kitty (£15k+) and then blasting it all, and more, in a single night.

After close to 12 months off I collapsed back into a cycle - same process, same outcome - though some of my own cash on top. Thereafter a further two smaller losses.

I've beaten myself up about the financial losses and I feel its the thought of having lost the money which is harder to deal with, rather than the loosing money in itself. If I had an extra 20 grand in my bank Im not sure Id feel any different (though I probably wouldnt have a loan to deal with, which I took out to deal with this s*i*!) its the remorse of having lost the money because it feels so significant that I struggle with.

Regardless, we are where we are. Day 14 for me - I'll continue to motor on.

Cactus. Thanks for your post. I think I've come to a point of acceptance this week about the money and losses. I could have had 20k of winnings in my bank by now had I stopped but it's illusory. It might of meant a few months or couple of years of wrapping myself in this cotton wool of non reality and feeding a broader lifestyle of consumption but I don't want that anymore. There is a greater goal, a different life and path and that's what I'm nurturing now. 14 days is a great achievement particularly when temptation at first is so high and you are right to have an approach to that just says keep going.

So I have not gambled or had 1 inclination to gamble since my binge on Monday night/ early hours of Tuesday. It's Saturday so I'd normally spend 8 or 9 quid on lottery, my 'acceptable' gamble. I won't be today. Yesterday I got into the swing of the way things are going to be with money and finances going forward. I spent a handsome £6.50 on food for two days for me. I went with a list and no impulse buys. This is as big a thing for me as the gambling, this general notion of having some degree of self control. It has been a big issue for me for 20 years. I've basically got into a stupid cycle of spend - debt- clear debt or refinance- spend. And in amongst all this gambling has been the 'exciting' icing on this cake of overspending. The addictions have Intertwined and fed each other. That's why Monday was so big for me, it's like in the midst of the despair I was shown where it had all gone wrong and how it linked.

So I cooked a decent Chinese meal ( I'd normally get a takeaway being lazy) and had a glass of wine. What more could I want really ? That's an important question for me because I've made so much of my 'happiness' in my own mind dependent on this life of excess and thrill. But I'm unpicking that now because if it was a sustainable route to happiness then I'd be very happy now. More likely I've become addicted to the next 'buzz'... Go out for nice food (buzz)....stay in hotel (buzz)....buy clothes (buzz)....book a holiday (buzz). It's just been a lurch from one buzz to another and contentment has come from satisfying it every time. So I ask myself after my night of 'non excess' how do I feel this morning. I feel 'at peace' tbh and a great degree of gratitude for finally being shown how this all fits together. Tonight I'm going out for drinks with a friend, we have opted for no restaurant beforehand:-)

I apologise to those reading this about some of the stray to broader addiction issues in this diary but as I said at the beginning it's my story and I think for many of us other addictions are so much part of the story.

Well good for you at looking at all the angles to save a buck. I kinda take the same approach and just recently switched to a pay as ya go plan for my cell phone. Saves me like 40 a month for the same perks and don't see why folks would go any other route if your not bound to a contract any way.

Yeah that eating out can cost ya big bucks and a lot of that fast food stuff can be nothing more than stuffing a big butter ball down your throat. LOL can't beat a good healthy home made meal and will be a grilling up some garlic and herb chicken breast later for the football game. Hell guess theres a hundred and one ways to save a buck from cutting cable tv to clipping coupons and yeah not afraid to do any of them over here. Lol

Broken soul. I loved your post. I guess from some of the words you are from the USA. I'm so grateful for you acknowledging this bigger picture for me. I really appreciate it. Good Luck whatever your journey is.