Need help again.

OK, so I am beginning to think that if I get any lower there's no getting up. I can't find the impetus to do anything today - house is a mess, work undone, and popping out to the shop was a major effort. I had intended (needed) to visit my daughter & kids who I haven't seen for a couple of weeks, doing a couple of errands on the way, but the weather gave me an excuse. don't want to go anywhere, do anything, except curl up , sleep, maybe read, and shut the world out. The gambling urge is not subsiding, its getting worse ...the more I face up to the debt mountain and despair of finding a way through, the more the thought of a win tugs at my brain. Aaaaargh, I am driving myself nuts; I hardly recognise who I've become or remember who I used to be. I know I am obsessive/compulsive, but I have no idea why I can't turn that into something productive. It makes no sense 🙁 This afternoon, I re-read the whole of my diary from last year, the first time I tried to give up. I do not want to be starting a new diary year-on-year; when I gave up smoking a few years ago it took me FIVE attempts before I succeeded, and the daft thing is that when my mum died the first thing I did was smoke after being years free of it. Stopped again pretty quickly and that was 5 years ago - so, if I can stop that habit, surely I can beat this one too?

Hi Anniel.. I have just read your diary. My thoughts are with you. I think you have done fantastically well not to gamble despite the immense pressures you currently feel.

Have you thought about opening up to a friend or family member? It must add to the pressure in keeping it to yourself and putting on a front to the world when inside you feel stressed. It is not easy to do this I understand... but at times when I have opened up, it has helped.

Remember that to gamble again would only be gambling to escape the consequences of the gambling. The only solution is to stay resolute in your determination to stay away from that first bet.

Take care, your not alone... S.A

hi anniel

I must say I am in the same place as you right now- not in circumstances (have a look at my diary) but in mindset.

I feel in a low place and to be honest think I would feel a little better if I went to bingo or set up an account and spent a few quid. Sometimes it feels like we are fighting who we really are by not gambling. Which is why today, I feel like I am treading in sand just to get through the day.

I will say this, gambling has made me think I should be this person who throws away everything for a quick buzz, to the point where I cant remember who I was before it consumed me so now I dont feel myself when I am not gambling. This will and must pass. I do not want to be that person so fight it I must- hard or not. I know from reading others diaries that the first year is the hardest so I will try and find out if it is true. I will give myself this chance and you should too.

I will stay close to your diary and maybe we can both come through this without giving in to that troll/devil.

Keep strong and keep fighting not for anyone else but for yourself so that you dont have to ever go through this again.

Lindaxxx

I identify with that so much - wonder if I can find another way to find that 'quick buzz' that doesn't ruin me and mine?? Any ideas gratefully received xx

Thank you both for your replies xx

Morning. Something very strange seems to have happened - despite the fact that I have a little (very little, not allowing the temptation) money in my account, I am not fighting the gnome this morning. The urge SEEMS to be reducing! Obviously it's still on my mind, it's been there for so long it's taken over, but I definitely feel less overwhelmed. Yesterday was bad, so maybe that was the 'storm before the calm'? I didn't sleep much last night because of the wind & rain, but this morning I feel like the weight is just starting to lift. I have no idea why but today I feel that I will be OK. I think it's about a month since I came back on here (not counting) and it has been, quite frankly, a bloody low time. I hope this brighter feeling persists so I can lift my head and actually deal with the fall-out in a more positive way. I am under no illusions that this will continue to be hard and I will have bad days, and the gnome may come back with a vengeance, but for today I feel I can cope, where yesterday I wasn't sure. Thank you to everyone who's helping me - I hope to return the support or 'pass it forward' in the not-too-distant future, but for now know that there is one lady who will always remember your kindness, and a very large family who will be better for that, although they're unaware. xx

Morning Annie

Just read through some of your diary, start and last few posts......just wanted to say that while it's been a tough time, it's brilliant to see how you're coming through it, especially when you're kinda doing it on your own.....aside the forum.

I'm finding that a positive outlook, no matter how difficult it is to focus on it, helps me through each day - visualizing how I want the future to look for me and my family........and inevitably, gambling plays no part in it. When I get an urge, I just think about that picture of the future that I've painted and remind myself that in order to see those happy, smiling faces then I cannot gamble or the picture of the future drastically changes.

You're doing brilliantly and should be massively proud of your journey so far.

If you would like some additional support and a different incentive then there's a 2014 challenge thread over in the "overcoming problem gambling" section that's helping a lot of people. Maybe think about that or at least take a look.

Take care and good luck on this day to day challenge.

Mr Bx

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Morning. The roller-coaster continues - I hate roller-coasters, they scare me witless so am glad this was seems to be slowly slowly diminishing (with an occasional huge and sudden dip just to keep me gripping my seat!). I am taking one day at a time, and seem unable to deal with more than one thing in a day - contacting people on the 'debt mountain' list is going to take a long time. I have started putting in some job applications though, and today am helping my son try to salvage his business (I don't have money but I do have 2 hands and a brain that sometimes has good ideas!) so am keeping busy. My daughter has another uni interview today - has a couple of offers already but this is the one she wants so fingers crossed. Determined to focus on positives as much as possible - and try to ignore the CG gnome constantly getting in my way. I have about ten days to find a way to pay some urgent bills, so if I can get through to the end of this month having achieved that, I will know it's possible to beat this thing.

Hi Anniel... the emotional rollercoaster is horrible isn't it, but despite that you seem to be pro-active and dealing with the gambling fallout bit by bit... well done! I am similar in that when I am under stress (which I currently am) I only seem to be able to do one positive thing each day... but that's ok.. that's fine.

Keep kicking that Cg gnome into the long grass cos after a while it will get fed up following you around. take care... S.A

Hello. It's almost a week since I wrote on here. I am ashamed and upset to say that I slipped. Then, the fall-out was shocking. I seemed to be bogged in a deep dark place and for a few days I was stuck. I thought maybe I should see a GP or something, I felt so rough both physically and psychologically. The worst I have ever been after a gambling session. I can only liken it to grief, which I know sounds dramatic but that's the only other time I've felt so dark.

Anyway, I am here today. I am dealing with the reality as much as I can and putting one foot in front of the other. I don't want to be this way, I just hope I can find my way through. Anyone got a time machine?

Hi Anniel... I have no time machine am afraid but I certainly relate to the panic and upset after a gambling binge. It does pass though as it seems to be doing with your good self. You will recover. Its a setback but its history now.

By the way I am on anti-depressants for the first time in my life and after 2 weeks I do seem to be noticing the difference. They don't solve life's problems of course but they do do something. I have feel slightly less anxious and slightly less depressed. Maybe its all in my imagination. Anyway it can't do any harm going to the docs.. they do offer a bit more than just tablets.

You will find your way through your current problems as I will find my way through my current problems. Work hard to not gamble.. but even if you do gamble again... keep reading and writing it does help. Take care... S.A

Hello diary. Another day almost over. No gambling today. Took my son a birthday present - walked, and it's a long walk as I have some spinal problems but it's kind of my penance, to save money! - and gave my daughter some money so she can go to an interview. I should pay my own bills, which I am really worried about, but I worry more for them - right now I know one of my sons doesn't have enough to pay his rent so that's my focus (he's a single dad)....The gambling devil would tell me I could win my way out, of course, but it's OK because I have made sure I absolutely can't listen to that. I just wish I had another idea. Tonight I am planning to 'pull an all-nighter', write & edit through the night to meet a competition deadline. Hard to concentrate when all I want to do is curl up and sleep for about a year; however I am trying to find myself locked inside somewhere, and hoping that a can rediscover things I used to be good at and enjoy. This may sound like a ramble, but I am writing it so that I can look back and remember how bad things were - when the urges get really bad I need to feel the awful sick, heavy, shame so it'll stop me.

Sorry SA, I meant to say thank you for your words. I don't feel that I deserve the kindness but I do really appreciate it.

Annie x

Hello. I don't know what to say today; no awful urges but horribly low. It'll pass, I know.

Mornng diary! No urges this morning, no gambling yesterday. Exhausted, three hours sleep for the last couple of nights but for a productive reason - have been writing. And writing. And writing. The money worry is ticking away in a my brain constantly, bu at least the gambling gremlin is quieter by comparison. Writing is helping me work through some of the things I've been avoiding - I hope. This low feeling can't go on forever - can it?