Here goes, day 1. I have a lovely husband, two beautiful children. So so much to be thankful for. But have become addicted to online slots. There's a famous quote, goes something like "It happened gradually, then, suddenly...". Thats how i would describe the journey. Gradual online gambling 2011-2015, becomming a problem first half 2016, then bam! Life completely messed up in last 6 months. I have a degree in Psychology (!), completely aware of all the mind fxxxs while playing, only numbers on a screen, near misses, dopamine rush, come down, need another, so keep pressing that button....
Previously I have been more than capable of putting on a brave face. Acting happy. Convicing myself all ok. However after monday nights loss have been less able to do so, tears streaming down as I write. This in itself is worrying as anyone who has been on antidepressants for a long while will know, crying doesnt happen easy. Dont think I've properly cried in years. Hoping its some sort of breakthrough, an end to the denial. Anyone experienced the same?
Haven't told anyone. Last time i told my hubby in Oct it didn't help a bit to be honest. Just caused upset and anger. He himself has always had gambling issues. Not as serious mind. He also has an incredibly stressful job, he is a Firefighter, and although doesn't bring the worst experiences home (only occasionally will he crack and tell of awful things he has seen/had to do), i can not put this on him just to make myself feel better.
Debt has always, and probably always be our biggest stress. I control the finances as hubby useless with money and I have always been the responsible one (!!). And i just kept playing and playing for that one big win to make it all ok. At present i have run up three credit cards to the total of about £9k. God that really hurts writing that. All on 0% apr (my credit rating is v good, maybe part of the problem). Can probably just about service them in our monthly budget. So after considering a dmp, maybe better to plod on and pay debt down slowly. Too worried about losing my house and not being able to remortgage, etc when need to.
I know i am not at risk for forseeable future as only gamble at night after a glass or two of wine, and wont be having a drink for a while due to mine and hubbys shift patterns, etc. When feeling a bit stronger will put blockers on tablet and phone. Self excluded from most sites, but as a lot of you will know that can be a waste of time as they are wise to this and just rebrand site and open up with a different name.
Anyway enough going on. Wish everyone on here all the very best. This monster of an industry really does have a lot to answer for and in my opinion is a ticking time-bomb getting ready to explode.
Day 1. Going to take it a day at a time. All we can do I believe.
Hi Jules, sounds as though you need to get those blocks in place quickly; if you are not ready to speak to your husband, is there another family relative or friend who could put blocks on and have passwords. I hear what you say about not wanting to add to your husbands stress, but personally I think deceit in a relationship is never a good thing. I know what you mean about tears and antidepressants. Thing is when they are affecting you feel life's natural lows, and express your pain, they are also stopping you feeling the highs. I got tired of feeling dead....yeh I was coping with life, but not enjoying it. We are not islands, we are not meant to be strong all the time. Well done for signing up. Use your diary, come on chat, you will get plenty of support.
Thank you Rhoda. Really appreciate the advice. Off to work in a bit until 10, so will research blocking software after work / day off tomm. Any suggestions for good blocks for samsung tablet and lg phone would be great.
Noone else to tell really, parents would disown me, mums big thing is being careful with money (although she is on bingo site most days, but responsibly i would add!). Will have to type random password, etc.
Part of my work involves selling lotto tickets and scratchcards, not helpful. I see from the other side just how much the industry is geared towards false hopes, dreams and greed. So i very much have to put my game face on at work or cant cope.
Yes agree about the antidepressants. Think they
impound the problem, trying to feel a high through the fog. It is a goal to come off them when feeling a bit stronger.
Thank you again. I have read your threads and posts and you are such a support to others x
Day 2. Not great. Getting waves of panic, anxiety and pain. Is that normal when you have finally decided enough is enough and have no intention to EVER gamble again?? Stopping obviously means facing things and that is bl**dy scary. Not going back though, no way. My problem today i think is day off work, alone at home, so much to do but cant bring myself to do anything.
Is it better to cry and let it all out or hold it in and try to carry on normal?? Anyone who has been here would really appreciate the advice x.
Hey Jules..and welcome..
Let it all out love...sit and have a dam good cry...no weakness in that..then make a plan. ..
Give the helpline a ring...
Get some blocks sorted...I used parental blocks on my internet package ...worked great...
I also didn't want hubby to know about my addiction to the slots...but actually once he knew it was all much easier. ..your moods...energy...and everything else will be up /down in the early days...it seems to be the norm...
Keep busy...do anything ...clean..read..walk...whatever you fancy...read diaries on here...it really does help....take a look at mine...it may help...it may not...but it will pass time...lol
Good luck
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