Need to start all over!

Hi Awayout,

You have done some positive things recently to block certain forms of gambling but when I read your recent thoughts I still see the gambling mentality within you.. its alive and kicking strongly.

I am not passing judgement because I know how tough this addiction is but all i would say is that for me my "gambling head" does not care on what form of gambling it gets its fix.

At some point am not quite sure when it was but I surrendered.. enough was enough.. gambling had me beat. It does not matter how much money I may win.. it would always go back... and some.

You dont have to endure the disappointment when your numbers don't come up.. if you dont place the bet in the first place. All the best.. keep posting.. S.A

You are right SA the bug is still there I have to be honest with myself.

I have bought another scratchcard today and have been buying several lottery tickets.

It still messes with your mind with false dreams whatever form of gambling it is..

Awayout

Hi Awayout

I'm not questioning you. I would just like to know your reason for buying lottery tickets?

Take care

Steve E

Hi I find myself now wasting at least £15 a week on lottery/scratchcards..

I said to myself I was going to stop scratchcards completely but found myself buying one just yesterday. When I was supposed to be buying lottery.

I think I am still feeling gambling urges since my exclusions both online and bookies.

Trouble is you cant ban yourself from lottery terminals I also work with lottery products which is a constant reminder of jackpots etc etc

I really want a job not involving NL products as it is not helping me give up gambling...

I won £450 on the hot picks three numbers 2 years ago and then started doing the same numbers (birthdays) everyweek. One week I had £100 in my pocket and it went through my mind to do 100 times this combination... =£45000. I didn't.

I walked past and didn't buy any. Guess what happened the numbers I had been following for a year went and came up.

Now it keeps going through my mind if I keep doing them again they will eventually come up sorry I can't help it. The Hotpicks 3 odds are a lot better than normal lottery and you win £450 instead of £10 for three numbers.

Sorry for sounding obssessed. I realise that if I keep playing the same numbers may not come up for my lifetime that is a possibility and I would lose 1000s

It always just seems I could get lucky and clear some debt. I keep telling myself 'should I be doing this?' then I find another part of myself saying lottery is not as bad as FOBTs. Its keeping my urges at bay... I am not sure about this... with false dreams...

It is strange the way gambling and false dreams draw us in.

Trouble is instead of buying just one ticket I am buying 5 a draw and then scratchcards as well. I would like to ween myself off everything.

Awayout

Hi Awayout,

I was much the similar thinking to you when i was gambling. It would never just stay at £1 a week for me.. sooner or later.. i'd be doing all sorts to get my daily fix. I come here to get my daily medicine so I don't go to get my daily fix instead.

Face reality and not the dream world of the compulsive gambler. All the best.. there is a way forward for all of us. Regards.. S.A 🙂

Hello Awayout,

Glad you have self-excluded from the Casino and bookies. You certainly have made postitive moves forward.

As for the lottery. Guess theres no harm in doing it as long as you keep stakes l;ow and it doesnt trigger other forms of gambling. The compulsive gambler should ideally cease all forms of gambling.

As you seem to continue with the lotto i've some advice. You said in your last poting that the lotto hotpicks are better odds than ordinary lotto. This is incorrect. Don't forget your picking only 3 numbers instead of 7. The odds are greater for that reason.

You should try the Irish Lotto. There's only 45 numbers. Pick say 5 numbers and do 10 50p doubles and you could do trebles.

One other thing to remind you of the pearls of gambling. A work collegue of mine was on holiday and went to the Grand Casino in Monte Carlo. Some guy lost 10,000 in 5 minutes. Using chips of a grand each. Madness as if we all need reminded.

Take care. Have a good gambling free day.

Pauly

Pearls of wisdom Pauly, unfortunately read them too late.

However today the urges overtook me and I had a new card - disaster was guaranteed.

Went to another town with the soul purpose to gamble lost all my overdraft just under abour £700 on roulette FOBT. All my good work undone. Even ended up inserting my card for credit something I have never done.

Luckily my card rejected me from going over my limit. The despair at the end was sickening. I could have taken some of my money at times but kept trying to get more back ended up in that awful place we all know.

Fooled myself last couple weeks that I can control what I spend...

No need was a beautiful day, had enough to get me through the month. Ordered a card just in last week. This addiction is devious... Or at least the addict who really wants to gamble.

Came straight home and owned up to what I had done. Lied about not getting another card etc etc.

My solution only stopping all forms of gambling will help nip this is in the bud once and for all.

Awayout

I think "Nipping it in the bud " is a slight understatement - Don't you!!

Sorry to hear about your plight but you have to ask yourself if you are serious about your recovery or not.

Regards

Steve E

I to have been tempted to go to another City to play roulette......resisted so far

Sorry to hear about earlier........tomorrow will be day one, you can do it - keep posting !

I know I have said this so many times but I am really serious about stopping now! The one loophole I had was taken advantage of and yes I did plan it. After a couple weeks of no bookies. Lieing to myself yet again....

I have had so many relapses I know it is like crying wolf when I say I do want to stop seriously.

Total abstinence/counselling I think is the only way forward for me, 'can I really do this I ask myself?' Am I just waiting for the lieing gambling me to materialise again???

I feel kind of numb at the mo. I know it will hit home tomorrow (consequences) - regret and thinking what I could have done with all that cash. It was slowly helping get the debts down but now I have to start over.

Only positive is I get paid end of month and have paid off most bills which has protected myself to an extent. But I have put myself back to square one as regards financial progress made over last few months...several 100 a lot of money...espcially when you're in debt....

What will I do if I find myself alone without parents to help support? End up on the street, no home??? Giving up this gambling addiction is a really serious matter..

I feel quite brave bearing my soul on this diary but I know I must try harder. No lottery or any gambling that is my true aim.

I know how easy it is for a good intention and recovery progress to be ruined in a few hours of madness like today... Many people mention how easy it is to forget the pain from a relapse when the urges take over and things get a bit better financially.

That is a really scary idea that this thing will just come back each time I make progress. I dont want that vicious cyvle anymore! How often have I said that over last 5 years or so?

I am probably going to hand all my cash over to mum each month that is how serious I am about getting myself sorted out . I really have had enough. Enough of the addiction taking the **** and ruining some lovely days. Beautiful today sunshine etc and I did it to myself. No need to gamble but I must face up that I gave in...

I will be posting. Thanks for posts I did not know you could post without a name but thanks anyway whoever you are and thanks for being honest as regards geeling tempted to go and play in another City FOBT/roulette

It really is evil. I knew I was going to lose today almost before I set out but the urges just were so strong. My mother asked me before I said I was 'just going out for a bit' 'to be careful', I wasn't getting a card was I when banking stuff I said I was waiting for came in the post etc etc? I was keeping enough float in my overdraft wasn't I etc etc?

Well I am a liar. I lied so i could plan a bet. I was not honest I felt good from a couple wins a fortnight and saw the spare bit in my OD as cash to gamble with. I would be OK with my new bank card wouldn't I? etc etc

Well No I was not OK. I cannot trust myself. I need to stay away from all betting.

Only progress made this year: Banned from all local bookies/Betfilter in place/A small amount of debt paid off (still about 75% left)

'Can I change?' I ask myself I feel a bit guilty now I have hurt my mum who I owned up to. Same replies from her 'why? Why Why? the lies etc' after doing so well?'

A very painful journey coming home today to face the music. Did not even have enough for a sarnie

Awayout

hi awayout

I have followed your progress since the first day i came on here, i could relate to how gambling as a firm hold over you, it did me, just like that. I dont feel its like that anymore for me, mainly beacuse i have stuck around this website, and reading day in day out the pain and misery gambling causes sinks into my thick skull that i have to stop. I admitdly have had a few slip ups, but im getting there. You only seem to post when u have been gambling and lost all your money, maybe you should stik it out on here, the help and support is amazing, and gives us extra determination to quit, as i feel im letting the good people down on here aswell as myself, without this diary i wouldnt give a s**t to be honest. id be gambing and destroying my life.

They are hefty hits you are taking there mate,id love to see you get a grip off it, even if its just a little one and improve your quailty of life. take care

neil

Yes Neil you are right I will try and post more in my days off gambling.

I have really not seen many months or even weeks without it so I need to turn around.

Even if it means posting everyday. I have been posting on other peoples. Then feeling like a hipocrite as we all have done when gambling again.

I dont want this to be a record of my relapses anymore although that shoud help put me off by reading it. I want this to be a record of my recovery.

The relapses are a bit less but still big hits like you say and good work undone in a short space of time.

Anyway hope my stupidity/lack of control over my addiction will be a warning to others considering going off the path again.

I could lie and not post my relapses, but I think it is better to be open and gain strength. I suspect some people on here do not always come clean and that is aprt of the problem as this addiciton is so stealthy.

I apologise if I have irritated people by my repeat relapses. But I need to keep a record for myself. I take up the point posting more regularly will help.

It is in the quiet moments that the conseqeunces hit home.

I pray I am finally seeing sense and can beat this.

Maybe I was testing myself. I am not ready to be unleashed yet. I recognise I am still in recovery and have a long way to go...

Awayout

Hi Awayout

Neil has made a good point there about posting more regularly. It may just help you. I see reoccuring patterns in your posts. You fall back on your mother for support when you run out of cash. Maybe it should be the other way round at this time in your life. Maybe you should be treating your parents to a nice lunch somewhere. It's not going to happen over night but one day at a time it will. The only trouble I feel is that you live your life one day at a time when the chips are down and you're counting until your next payday/gamble. Get on board and start posting every day. You will get stronger with every passing day. Post about your urges to gamble and once they pass you will become stronger.

Take care

Steve E

Yes I take on board what you have said.

One post a day wont hurt as long as I dont dwell on the negatives.

Ba headache from whay I did Saturday. But, kept myself busy with family etc.

Awayout

Hello AWAYOUT,

So sad to hear your recent relapse. I was just trying to give you advice. Believe me i need to take my own advice sometimes too.

Thank god I get paid tomorrow.

Going to leave my wallet at home and bring in my chicken sandwichs i made tonight to work.

Im going to try and stay in now till December. try and save so i can go out and have a few pints with friends then.

Your having a bad time of it Awayout and you do seem a decent guy you deserve better. try and post more often and keep your chin up mate.

I have to ring the bank tomorrow and pay some of my loan off. Nothing but bills these days. Have road tax to pay tomorrow costs me £100 for 6 mths for a 15 yr old banger of a car. hardly worth a fiver.

Anyway i hope you have a better week awayout.

All the best

Pauly