Need to start all over!

Maybe getting into a daily routine and catching up with my diary here regularly will help me finally get there.

Looking back (a painful thing to do) : I lost a bit of my savings tried to win them back, became addicted eventually losing all my savings then came the overdraft, credit loans, credit card and consolidation loan gambling more to try and win it back, and here I am trying to sort the mess out whilst trying to stop gambling and the addiction winning.

That of course has happened over several years. It is frightening how quickly the gambling can take over and means more than your financial/mental stability.

Monday I woke up wrong side of bed had some stupid row with someone which nearly stopped me going out for some do with family.

I did eventually go and had quite a nice time. Obviously the gambling relapse on Saturday had a lot to do with 'sore head'.

Today is Tuesday. I get paid this week. All cash is already asssigned for bills... tight month now. What I must not do is to gamble

I have gone from having about a grand left in the overdraft to virtually nothing. Just enough for bills and pay off interest charge this month.

Quite sickening really how quickly a relapse can get to you after some financial and more importantly emotional progress (gaining self esteem). The only thing I can think of as a positive step is to exclude from the booky I still can go to if I travel.

All other blocks in place - filter on computer, no cards on me, no cash, just than one booky I should have excluded from to make me feel safe.. For some reason I could not self-exclude myself after the humiliating loss I thought would never happen but I was crying inside.

Next visist will be self-exclusion. The shopping trip turned into a one stop trip to the booky with no real enjoyment had.

There is more to life to gambling I must keep telling myself that. Maybe the bad week at work (last week) and the spare in my overdraft should have been a warning.. I knew I was heading for self destruct I don't want that again..

Awayout

Paid soon and all funds assigned...

I feel like a schizo I am still thinking about it being N lottery day Wednesday and having a go..

How stupid is that...

Awayout

Hi Awayout

Sounds like you're answering your own questions.

Keep posting

Steve E

If you read in some of the literature about gambling addiction.. it does say about the addict compartmentalising there life and thoughts into "gambling" and "other".. so in that sense it is perhaps a little schizo like .. i speak for myself anyway lol

There is no salvation in the lottery or any other form of gambling. A happier life comes from within. All the best in recovery.. S.A 🙂

Needless to say I bought a couple lottery tickets all losing of course...

One problem I have is that a major part of my job involves serving ***** products.

I find myself getting grumpy with the people wasting their hard earned cash and asking me to 'serve them the winning ticket'

I also see the sheer greediness and people hooking onto a dream rather than seeing other good things in their lives and not wanting to work for their money!

Maybe I am resenting being able to gamble sensibly or am finding it hard staying in this job which just reminds me of gambling everyday im there.

Does anyone relate to finding it hard to serve gambling products in their job as they have problems themselves....

I know that in my current state the job does not help me stop thinking about gambling. Especially hard after a relapse and then serving gambling products...

I am looking for another job and hopefully can get out of something I do not agree with although I have been addicted myself

Awayout

Day 6 no FOBTs today. Nearly the anniversary of my relapse Sarurday Last...

Want to stay off rest of year and further that will be a major major achievement despite money already wasted

Awayout

Have Done OK since last relapse still financial headache of course added to few problems at work. Now 7 days no FOBTs

Really does not help working with a gambling product...

Money really tight need to 'get real' with the money and its value again...

I am trying to get together the extra cash I need for all bills without gambling....

Went on a crazy shopping spree with the view to make some money from selling...

Did this before quite well but the cash normally goes back on gambling eventually. I need it now just to stay afloat.

Also ashamed to say have had to miss paying rent to mother as there is no spare cash. Still need to find enough for bills.

Hope my selling goes well or Im fd. Not normally like me to swear.

Still found a few quid for lottery. I feel like I am having enough of lottery too it just all makes me feel sick

Hope everyone is doing OK no time to catch up on other peoples diaries yet

Awayout

A better day.

Did not have chance to gamble, went to church etc

A few problems at work. I don't know if any lapses in concentration have come from the gambling again and relapses? Possible yes. Hopefully everything will go OK

I have been making hashes at work and am basically on the rack as regards possibly losing my job if the errors continue.

Hopefully I can keep my head together

Awayout

Hi Awayout,

Sounds like its time to motivate yourself to find a new job. Am in the same position really. Their are jobs out their its just a question of going out to find them. A new job may change ones outlook and consequently help with urges to gamble. Keep posting.. S.A 🙂

You are right SA there are jobs which is why it annoys me when there are people quite capable of working in reasonably well paid jobs who wont get off their a***s. Not to say there are some genuine cases of people not capable and need help.

Nothing I have been seeing has seemed suitable as regards being full-time able to do it with the right qualifications and enough money.

May have to retrain.

Meeting today to do with performance. Unforunately had another couple months ago up to then was doing well. Could get another warning will consider findiing new job pronto as cannot afford to be kicked out. Basically I have 2 more strikes before Im bowled out.

I seriously think part of the problem is chronic short staffing at busy times of day which is making me rush and make errors.

Will just stay cool and see how it goes. It is just a very centralised company with overbearing rules and cut backs with no incentives/rewards for good performance low pay and the only reward is having your job.

They seem to be taking more and more reward and support away from the guys on the front-line (no offence to managers who have budget cuts) and looking after those at the top. Getting a bit fed up with it. There must be some good companies to work for out there!

Probably will get another W letter because the they will see being under pressure as part of the job, even though skeleton crew!

Can't wait to be out of there to be honest. Find myself being ratty with customers as not getting support, stress etc. Other people have been off with stress etc so it cannot just be me...

Awayout

Work still a pain, but at least I have my deadend job for now!

Have to stay in it till I find something better. Now my gambling is under control getting a better job would help recover financially a lot quicker.

Before I would have said not earning more would have just meant more money to gamble with (and lose)

I have said about the lack of staff causing me to rush and cause errors at work but whether they do anything is another matter... just have to grim and bare it for now!!

Anyway another day no FOBTs. Can't afford it in any case. Real challenge will be when I get back on track with my finances.

Awayout

Awayout

A bit under the weather. Dont know how much is jyst psychological from relapse just over a week ago! There is a lot of colds going round though.

I do notice something about myself, when I am recovering I talk about and think about gambling a lot less..

I realise theoretically my numbers could come up but I am going to go cold turkey on the lottery for a while. Wont hurt to save a few squid either.. Wednesday will be a real test. No I dont normaly by 100s of pounds worth of tickets but a few every draw W & Sat soon mounts up through the year....

If I can get through this month unscathed I will certainly gain strength from that. Still looking for that elusive half decent job. I do realise I have let my confidence in my own ability and self esteem slide in the last 6-7 years as the gambling has taken its full effect.

Partly I have let my career ambitions slide as I knew all my earnings were going on gambling activity so what was the point I used to tell myself??? Also the gambling gave me a false idea that it was a way of making money/supplementing my income I did not need another job!!!

Trouble is Im 5 years in not quite full time low paid job. I have good qualifications but prospective employers must be looking at my CV and thinking 'why is he not in full time work, and why not moving up the scale?' A difficult one can hardly say my gambling addiction took over and I lost self confidence and motivation to apply for many jobs and got into a rut....

I am looking forward to being a changed man. As some other people on this site have said 'so much time and money wasted' time to move on....

Awayout

Awayout

No I dont normaly by 100s of pounds worth of tickets but a few every draw W & Sat soon mounts up through the year....

It's not the money it's the thought processes that surround the buying and anticipating that gets us gambling again. We spend money everywhere but we don't get excited over it.

Keep going

Steve E

Hi Awayout,

Even just looking at it from a financial point of view. If you bought on average 2 lottery tickets per week for a year.. thats £104 Its quite alot really for Mr average on average income. When I have thoughts of the lottery I visualise myself putting crispy £20 notes straight into the drain.. cos that in effect is what I would be doing. All the best.. S.A

Yes SA, others even lottery is a waste. As you say £102 a year just for the basic 2 tickets a week is quite a bit of money for Mister/Mrs average.. That could quite easily go towards a treat like holiday/just getting debt down, especially over a few years...

I have definitely been doing more than one a week more like 3-4 lets say I do 3 on average that is £312 over the year. Dread to think what I have spent since lottery began might be in the thousands.

I am going to try and visualise lottery machines as burning/eating my cash. Lets face it the NL is another tax on the poor. OK they support some good causes but some of the waste on art projects etc and bureaucracy is really quite eyebrow raising!

Concentrating on raising some cash through other means (hard work) already have some in my pocket even though not a huge amount all helps towards my debt repayment.

Awayout