Need to start all over!

Hi Awayout,

Ive been pondering your thoughts for the last day or so.. wondering whether I could come up with something that would help. I see a man who is "stuck" or "feels stuck" If this is so I can very much relate to it. I went for years in a job i did not enjoy and did not pay, crippled with debts i could not afford and struggling to change anything. Eventually I was forced to take action because my life simply ground to a halt.

I have no idea what the end game will be for you.. but when you do come across a way forward that feels right for you.. *** it with both hands. I will do the same for me. I hope your weekend is good.. S.A 🙂

Thanks S.A.

You are right I feel that 'catch 22' situation right now. Stuck in the low paid job as I need the little bit of cash for debt repayments.

I almost feel like being brave chucking the job in and doing what I like doing. But I don't know if I can earn the £400 a month minimum I need. I know that sounds not like much. But it is important when it means paying your way or not....

I have almost paid enough of debts a few times when I said I need just a bit more before I can try giving up my work and then go and blow it all on gambling...

Situation now... Basically up to hilt in both overdrafts fees £70 roughly a month.. as well as bills nothing left to save for a 'rainy day'

Keep feeling down when I have a sh*tty day at work. Would be OK if the pay was decent. People I know probably wonder why I can' get myself out the hole!

Well feeling a bit of a failure at 35 with no decent wage nothing to show for the work I have done no family.children gf etc of my own.

Hope things get better

Awayout

Hi Awayout.. and thank you for your support in my diary.. it helped 🙂

Also just wanted to add that I wasn't feeling miffed with you. In fact am not miffed at all with anyone now. I just woke up tired and in pain my frustration with my leg got deflected onto others.

Ive always thought that you and me have a great deal in common. I think your last sentence in your last post somes it up.. "Well feeling a bit of a failure at 35 with no decent wage nothing to show for the work I have done no family.children gf etc of my own."

When I am feeling sorry for myself I feel much the same.. though for the most part I have a more positive outlook now. The challenge of stopping gambling is facing the realities you describe. I am 2 years older than you and only now have I reached that acceptance that not having my own family may well be my future. Do I want children anyway? .. I don't think I do. Maybe in our parents day it was kind of expected.. but I think things are different now.. we have a great deal more freedom to make personal choices.

For me I am starting to change bit by bit ( a slow process) and become a little more realistic about my life situation, starting to relax a little more and not walk the streets in a perpetual state of gloom that maybe I havent acheived this or acheived that. I try not to pile a great weight of expectation upon my shoulders about what i feel "I should" or "should not be doing". I am me and I am trying to just be.

It is not easy.. reality feels painful sometimes.. add gambling to the mix and ultimately I become suicidal. I do not want to follow that path again. I choose not to gamble.

As with me you are an educated man there is potential within us both. I think you will find your way forward Awayout as I find my way forward.. strip out the money aspect and see gambling for what it really is.. an escape from life and reality. I continue to try and face my reality with my head held high. Warm regards.. S.A 🙂

Thanks for your post SA

Your post reminded me not to be 'gloomy and the poor me syndrome'. That is only counter-productive.

So many times I have said as a gambler I nealy came up or is only. Well those times are disappearing. The reality is gambling has ruined me financially and made me have to scrape around for spare cash all the time when I should have 1000s in the bank as I live with Mum with minimal outgoings.

I realise just getting back to where I have a bit of spare money each month will take years (need to pay off 2 large overdrafts), then the consolidation loan, which can be paid off early if I find the cash unlikely as nearly 10k and goes up as the years go on as interest added...

But there are always people worse off. I did watch that reality series of stars living with people on the breadline and a pensioner who had got her self into 35k in debt on the FOBTs. She said how she went bankrupt and wept at caught as the judge granted it.

She was a decent woman with a disability but turned to gambling as a way 'to block things out' and was a bit of a fantasy world for her..

I can relate to that. Difference is I do have a job albeit low-paid so can slowly pay off.

I feel like I have wasted precious years of my 20s and 30s when I could have excelled in a career but I did try to get a decent job away from home and almost did.

I know if I sit around and mope for next 8 years as I pay off debts that will be just more wasted time I will be 43!! With no decent pension etc. I see what some of my friends have in terms of money houses cars and will have to just accept my situation currently and see what I can do.

I have food on the table but I have no security for the future or when things in my life change. Life is a journey but I am secretly dreading the future and don't want to end up on the street.

I somehow want to turn the negative experiences around to positivity..

Awayout

Hi Awayout,

Must admit ive been on a real negative today.. like you say it can be hard to focus on the positives. Sometimes the autumn breeze and birds singing in the tree's just don't cut it lol... have a good weekend.. S.A 🙂

Just reporting This Saaturday afternoon that urges have subsided. No urge for the roulette but it makes me sick seeing all those roulette programs on TV late at night (and poker) and on Freeview as well as those crappy quiz shows.

Some of those shows its £1 a call and the quiz prize is £25.00, what a con.

One time I was suckered into the quiz programs when you phone up with the higher prizes. Lost loads in calls. Now thank God premium calls barred on phone..

Anyway I have to turn channels pretty quick as I used to find myself watching them even joining one or two on the net some time ago. Its a disgrace that so many of these crappy programs encouraging gambling addiction are allowed on TV. We have to blame something on MPs in UK as they also have relaxed gambling advertising. Advertising Bingo etc.

It was just unfortunate they started advertising at the pinnacle of the hold over me of my addiction. Making it impossible for me to forget about gambling.

Anyway I know they are not for me.

Anyone else get P****d off with all the gambling, bingo sites, poker, roulette and lottery adverts and progams on TV/Freeview. Just shows they are filling the airtime with complete cr**...Where has the quality of telly gone??? Of course what about protecting younguns they are seeing these gambling programs and adverts well before they should be gambling.

Well that's my rant for today.

Concentrating on scraping and saving a little in the run up to Christmas. I have relations I don't want to see go without a nice little pressie.

If I can just make sure gambling does not ruin this years events (re: start of this diary).

Almost forgot yes we all have ups and downs SA. A day off certainly makes me feel better - no work today!

Awayout

Stayed completely away from gambling on Saturday

No urges for the FOBTs but I suddenly got an urge to buy my usual lottery ticket with the usual numbers. Would have had to borrow cash even to do that... Well in the end I came round and did not go out (miserable weather anyway) saved my pound.

Just shows how this messes with your mind that I felt I needed to get my usual numbers just in case. Could have happened like one time before the 3 numbers I usually do came up when I didn't do the lottery once before.

In this case saved my pound. But it is just I am so use to getting those three numbers every week for about a year or so. When they came up and I did not gamble I was mad with myself. I did win £450 once then I remember all that went on the FOBTs when I could have done so much with that money.

Glad I stayed off but found myself watching balls roll in. Strange thing couple of my usual numbers came up on thunderball and 1 on lottery... Guess that is the kind of thing that keeps you going back to gamble..

At the moment I am living from one pay day to another. Finding it tough to find any spare cash even for something like pair of shoes.. Well that goes with getting yourself in debt from gambling and spending last reserves you have built up in overdraft (not my money anyway)

I hope I can turn things round soon

Awayout

Hi Awayout

You are turning things around right now by not gambling.."stayed completely away from gambling yesterday"........and so what if the numbers had come in, are you really bothered about winning £10...well 9 as you would have staked £1....hardly going to pay of your overdraft.....id feel so much better than staying away rather than actually winning £10, lets face it, 4 numbers is once every blue moon (say 3 years) 5 numbers, well its just not going to happen, and anything over that, better chance of hell freezing over. As for the roulette, thats my vice to, and the real killer....you are doing well to keep away just lately, and long may it continue, all the best.

neil

Thanks for all the support.

You are right going clean and concentrating on other aspects of my life is the only way forward for me...

I am finding despite only being mid 30s my mind and thought processes have been in a muddle. Since slowing up the gambling again I feel I am getting slowly more organised again!

Awayout

Finally feeling like I have made some progress.

I am really losing the itch as long as the blocks are in place. Why I didn't self exclude much longer ago. Guess secretly I still wanted to gamble. That I know is changing. From the last couple months I know that if I find myself gambling I am not actually enjoying it. It really feels like a 'filthy habit' I did not feel like that before.

Can't be complacent though. Today a couple colleagues annoying me at work one shouting when i came back from another job as they hadn't realised where I was .

The other annoying because they hadn't heard me say what I was doing that I was ''hard to hear at the best of times' and 'not very confident'. Anyway total cr** and maybe they were not paying attention.

Usually these kinds of situations would make me boil but I let it run off my back...and even found myself laughing about their pettiness. Half the time I get it in the neck when usually it is down to the fact some people are not pulling their weight....

Anyway not turning to gambling to 'unwind'.

Here's to a better day tomorrow

Awayout

Hi awayout,

Like you say.. its a tough addiction to let go of. I know it only to well.. it pops its head up when we least expect it. Thats why we have to close all the doors to it. Keeping one door open is asking for trouble.

As for the trouble and strife with collegues.. perhaps its like the serenity prayer (am not religious by the way).. find the courage to accept the things we cannot change... we cant change the behaviour of others and neither should we try.

Anyway like you say... turning to gambling to unwind is not the answer, just brings further financial drain and personal misery. All the best Awayout.. keep up that positive momentum... S.A 🙂

Hi awayout,

Just wanted to pop in and say how well you are doing at the moment, it takes a lot of effort, soul- searching and determination to beat this addiction.

Keep moving forward and have a good day,

Take care,

DT.

Just to say thanks for support DT & SA

I hadn't been on the site for a bit and was feeling a bit down.

Did gamble on lottery yesterday (waste as usual) but nothing as bad as Roulette.

Even now I know the thought of it Roulette can make me feel a tingle of excitement which is madness I know...its just caused misery and I know where it would lead more debt and despair. Guess that tingly feeling is just the addiction saying come on back to me again! Well tough no I have my head screwed on now!

I am looking forward to my weekends now without gambling. I have made a bob or two after my last relapse through hard work so feeling a little better. Did have a splash out on more stuff to make more money so I have to watch myself there!!

Must not swap gambling for a buying addiction else I will never dig myself out of debt...

Awayout

Doing a bit better now still times are hard like they are for many people for good reason ir mortgage bills etc but have stayed off roulette this weekend

Could so easily have turned to it and to be honest it did fleetingly pass my mind. But I paid my bills instead.

Where I can I am trying to put away a few pennies and working hard to gain a few quid extra a week for spends.

November is 2 years into my 10 year consolidation loan when gambling first got out of control in 2007 and the bank packaged 2 loans and a 5k overdraft together almost doubling the amount owed.

Still have 2 overdrafts to get rid of slowly 4.3k which is a lot to me especially as interest about £70 a month

Will get there one day

Awayout

My thought for the day:

I realise gambling has made me lazy and drained my energy from following my dreams. It has tricked me into believing my dreams could be fulfilled from a big win.

Gambling is for the lazy a quick answer to your woes but it is a nasty trick. The outcome is you actually have to work harder than ever before once it steals your money and self esteem. Hard work to recover as we all know.

I think the fact that gambling conditions you to thnking you can make easy money through little effort or thought makes you lazy with money and in life. In consequence changing as a compulsive gambler is hard as you have become weak willed it takes effort to change.

It really makes me fell ill thinking about the wasted energy on gambling which just steals a little something from your life each time. You do see a lot of no hopers buying the golden tickets each week as it their only way of getting rich. Maybe I resent they can buy their lotto tickets in fun. But in my mind gambling is for the lazy people who quite often (not always) are too lazy to get of their *** and work where you really get the rewards....

Sorry to rant just crossed my mind.

I am not perfect bought some lottery wisk I had not bothered

Awayout