Need to start all over!

I know my diary is getting longer and longer and is the second one so I am keeping going. I am finally feeling I am not relapsing too much anymore with blocks now in place.

I have completely forgotten about the embarrassment of self exclusion from bookies and people knowing me. I am even thinking to myself 'poor b*****' when I see the regulars I knew from my gambling past walk out the bookies or in highstreet as I know most of them are trapped in cycle of gambling.

Getting a bit down now and again but I am 'finding myself' again absolutely stuffed myself tonight which is normally the sign.

I am no longer chasing false dreams promised by gambling advertising but instead am working towards living just a normal life.

Awayout

Thanks for you input the other day on my post.

Thought hard about your suggestion on "exclusion" from bookies in my region but came to the conclusion that I must have the will to exclude myself.

I now realise how powerful the blocking software is and as the weekend was to be the hardest part for me, I excluded myself from life in general and did not venture out at all. I knew if I did this, I would not be tempted and also realise that I am richer in many ways by sticking with my intention. It has led me to believe all is not going to be as hard as anticipated but then the weekdays will be a different story as I have no cjoice and must go out.

Sorry too to hear things are tough at work for you. It cannot help your situation, possibly even aggrevate your emotional state with regards your gambling inclinations. Could it be that even your job is part of the problems you face given the pressure. Time to promote yourself maybe either where you are or elsewhere as it seems you accept in your mind, the higher up the ladder you are, the more you get paid and the less you work. You are also right. Money is like God in the world to many, it is also true it is the root of all evil. An unnecessary state especially in the west given how small the world has become.

mickeyinaweb

Having to change my way of living

it is quite tough realising you are living a different life than you have done for many years and experiencing those unusual feelings. So easy to slip back into what feels normal but is not (gambling addictive behaviour)

I feel now I can no longer play any draws/T*****a at Christmas fayres. Went to one today and although I bought some T*****a tickets/draw tickets I felt vey uncomfortable. I gave my prize on T*****a to someone else quite a nice one as it made me feel those feelings of winning something with an element of luck.

I know I could have easily given someone that prize in my family but it just felt uncomfortable as I had won something worth x times what I had paid. I don't know if anyone else can relate to this??? I won nothing on the draw and was relieved at that.

Most 'normal people' would be happy to win a prize worth more than they paid but it felt like gambling again. I think I will have to avoid these draws in the future... it brings back to many uncomfortable 'exciting' gambling feelings which I have not felt for a while. I suppose the fact I had been 'lucky' was bound to bring back those gambler'e feelings.

I suppose giving the prize to someone else who had not won may have helped me not get too many of those feelings back...

Awayout

Hi Awayout

Just read your last post on feeling uneasy about buying T*****a tickets.About 6 weeks ago when i was first starting my reecovery i was in the pub and a football card was going around in aid of the local boxing club.As it was nearing me i was wondering what to do Is it gambling? I decided as i was giving them money and there was a money prize that it was.Now i am not a mean sort of person and when i was a kid i went to that boxing club,so i had a couple of goes on the card and put the boxing clubs name on it. I said if i won give it to the club.That way its charity i think.Its very similar to what you done and im sure they appreciate it.They need it more than you .Because when you save all your money up that you once would have gambled you will be rich lol. Well done awayout.Jeff.

Hi Awayout,

Your doing just fine my cyber buddy, Your not shovelling money into Fobt machines.. be proud of that! 🙂

Must admit I am feeling a bit down and depressed myself. I do dislike this time of year. I am reminded of my own loneliness I think. But I will cope one day at a time. Keep safe and eat Tesco finest porridge with loads of sultannas for sweetness if you feel like comfort eating.. it will soon stop you eating lol .. S.A 🙂

Yes was for charity and I gave the prize to someone else which they may have thought odd (though pleased) as bottle of the hard stuff!!

I am just saying it bought back that feeling of gambling as I had the tingle of excitement that I might win something even though a good cause...

Today I was paid and had thoughts of the FOBTs I dont know if it is the cold, December and Christmas on the way but I admit id crossed my mind. Safe though banned all local bookies but I am scared to travel to shop! Also bills paid

Looked at my overdraft and did consider a bet was worth a risk stupid I know but I have to be honest. Fortuately many blocks in place.

I think once I see some of the financial recovery painfully slow as on low wage and interest from overdrafts each month I can begin to feel better.

Here's to a better job oneday and a safe comfortable life away from gambling!!

Awayout

Hi Awayout.. Thanks for dropping past my diary much appreciated as always.

Like you suggest the thoughts of gambling dont do any damage and the blocks are working for you... good stuff my cyber friend.

perhaps as with me the new year maybe that time to find a new job with a bigger income if only a little. Keep yourself safe as i keep myself safe.. S.A 🙂

Its amazing how active all the diaries are at the moment. Probably a sign of the times with all the gambling problems affecting people's life and people wanting to get over addiction.

I dont want my diary to hog space for those new in recovery but feel I need to keep posting. I do sound like nearly a different person to last year but gambling thoughts still pass me by.

The difference is I am not acting to gamble on the thoughts.

Thanks for your post SA. Like yours my diary is becoming quite cumbersome. Maybe it would be a good idea to have another section for people who have reached a milestone in their recover and want to post a 'secondary diary'. Sometimes you have to go for pages when you need to find your last entry..

That could mean the difference between someone feeling like posting and caving in to temptation maybe we could pass this to the moderators???

Anyway doing OK but have been spending out a little too much. Need to save enough for presents. Very easy to carried away on spending before Christmas...

I don't believe in buying expensive gifts. Though I am fortunate only need 5-6 gifts. I don't want to follow the masses and get in debt just to impress. Too many people feel they have to spend x. I do believe it's the thought that should count whether you spend £1 or more!!

Maybe when I am a year off FOBTs roulette I will consider slowing don on my diary.

Awayout.

Hi Awayout,

Must admit ive had a complete change of heart about my diary. I don't care how long it gets. I like the fact that my thoughts are there in one place and over time. It will probably end up becoming the longest of all time (not that its a competition lol). I think when it comes to diaries one as to be a bit selfish.. when the diaries are busy the worst that can happen is that it ends up on page 2 or page 3.

I totally agree with what you say about Xmas presents. In theory is not the cost but the thought.. in practice try telling that to my niece and nephew if one got a voucher for less than the other lol But seriously the whole xmas present thing is just stress in my book. Buying stuff that people don't really want. Anway musn't get to humbug about it all. great to see your not acting on gambling thoughts and neither am i.. cheers for now.. S.A 🙂

Just to say I had the usual passing thought about getting a but extra from FOBTs in another place. Then I thought no.

I think it is natural to still get gambling thoughts in recovery.

What I am trying to do is act on those thoughts differently. There is no need to actullay go gambling I think of it as 'No I don't want to go gambling it is a fantasy world it will just get me back into the cycle of addiction'.

Blocks are helping immensely. Why didn't I do it 5 years ago...? Guess I was not ready for change...

I admit I am still doing the odd flutter on the lottery but nothing like before with FOBTs.. There may come a time when I am able to say no to all gambling but the lottery is OK for now... not harmful at least...

Have a good gamble free day all...

Awayout

Just to say I am doing really well staying off FOBTS.

I would probably have no cash for Christmas by now if I had been on the machines...

I went out on Sat though and found myself buying bits for myself I didn't really need.

Also last few days being buying a few more scratchies than I should and lottery... Never seem to win anything decent £1 here or there if Im lucky. Need to stay off them

Trouble is with lotto/scratchcards they are everywhere and you cannot ban yourself from buying takes real willpower...

Would be interesting to see what the tally of my losses on the scratchcards and lottery is since beginning all those years ago I would probably be shocked.... Many hundreds if not over a thousand I am sure...

Awayout

Feeling quite proud that I have stayed off the FOBTs a while now. Thought I would call in as had suxh a bad day at work which has been such a trigger in the past....

I work in retail with the general public it is so bad. Some people are just so rude even when you are doing nothing wrong.

Someone said 'you should have double checked my receipt' when they came back in saying it in a very patronising way. Of course I did not give them any satisfaction I just agreed did the correction and they were on their way. What I felt like saying was 'I am human we do make the odd error serving 1000s of people a week madam...'

Some people are really nice but today was sh*tty weather wise and people.

We have a huge amount of so called 'sickness' among a relatively small number of staff and it seems to happen every year around the same time (Christmas shopping period)... I think some people are definitely mistaking a cold for flu etc!!!! Sudddenly there are a myriad of appointments that need to be visited etc...

I am fed up with working with skivers. Also noone seems to want to be on the front line... Rather I am covering for them as they are not there when you need them... and when they are here they want to do as little as possible for as much as possible....

I will carry on looking for that elusive job. I have promised myself when I pay off x debt I will try and get out. I know my job is not doing me much good stress/health wise...

The managers try and make out their jobs are so much stressful when they have days off on peak days and get people to cover so they can to '/managerial things' and they are not facing the public on so many repetitive jobs....

OK phew ! Whine over deep breath new day tomorrow as have been asked to do more overtime as the skivers are not yet back and asked with less than 24 hrs notice!!! With any luck the skivers or stretchers of the truth I should say will be back before Christmas to help with the workload!!!!

To another gamble free day

Awayout

Hi Awayout

"Feeling quite proud that I have stayed off the FOBTs a while now." ... good stuff that man!! 🙂

Hope its helped to have a whinge about work.. it certainly helps me to get all the cr** out my head space. Like you say working at the "coal face" can drain away ones life force sometimes. I know it so well.

I use to work in with people with learning disabilities and challenging needs the most emotionally draining job ive ever done. The gambling I used to lift my mood after work.. but then as we all know.. it just made tings worse in the long run. keep safe my cyber buddy.. S.A 🙂

Thanks SA you always seem to lift my spirits!!

Doesn't help that I am now starting to feel like one of the olduns at work now Im mid 30s. Those 'younguns' seem to be so sensitive when you have a joke with them and they seem to gang up together whereas it's OK for them to do it with you!!!

Probably not helping they keep messing my hours 'can you come in an hour earlier' just as I'm leaving work etc....

Probably just the way Im feeling with the skivers and slight throat infection cough type thing which is tough when you are customer facing...

Awayout

Hi awayout,

If it helps very soon I won't be able to get away with saying i'm mid-thirties and will be firmly in the late thirties camp in the field next door. lol

I find with work that I do my best and thats all i can do.. other peoples sensitivities and what they do or don't do is their problem. I know its hard when other peoples stuff impacts on me.. i just kind of try to learn though that loosing my rag or doing the same as they do don't really help me in the long run. easy to say of course harder in practice.

Just a comment of what you said in my diary.. it must be hard with the lottery products in your face all day long. I think i'd struggle with that as well.. especially if someone won something and went yippee right infront of me. But the point being don't be to hard on yourself cos your getting the lottery ticket.. Your not shovelling hundreds into the machines!.. have a good weekend.. S.A 🙂