Need to start all over!

Hi I have not been posting for 2 weeks now as I have slipped again

On a shopping trip to another town with mum in Dec I went shopping then on a shopping errand on my own ended up in the bookies. I made the wrong choice and spent all the shopping cash about £40

Made matters worse by saying to mum I could make it back. She gave me £10 with the choice 'dont come running back to me when you lose it'. obviously she was upset I was gambling again on the machines....

Well did go back, did get up to £100 where I would have had more than enough yet put it all back in. I knew I was letting myself down as soon as I walked in really...

Have not been back since that time or gambled online but went and bought a load of stuff I didn't need and now only have just enough for bills.

Don't know why I have got myself in this state. I am in 30s basically living off my mum as I do no have enough to pay my way I should or a decent enuff job to get a place of my own...

Only saving grace not a 'huge' amount and not going on internet gambling anymore. To boot have stinking cold/flu like symptoms

Christmas was OK and not ruined by gambling I want my life to get better again though.

Money isn't everything family is but it does help... I also felt this Christmas a little distant from loved ones. I also felt a bit like not celebrating Christmas working in retail and it seems so much of Christmas is commercial these days.

Coming up to the start of a new year always sets the mind thinking of change... I look at the mess around me in my life and clutter in my rooms and realise I have become a different person than I wanted to be but at least I can see that now...

Heres to positive change everyone!

Awayout

Hi Awayout

You have put a lot of work into this. I think 2010 is going to be yuour year.The determination is there some people slip and think oh well i give it my best shot ,but not you.Sometimes our close family get angry with us about our gambling but if they could wave a magic wand and set us free from the dreaded gambling they would. Awayout dust youself down , get back on your horse and start again you are strong you will beat this .All the best Jeff.

Just to say thanks cheered me up.

I know I have not done anything really stupid a little slip but I just feel so stagnant in my life at the mo.

I can see from some of the posts recently I am not at such a low stage as I used to be. I can relate to the posts about one feeling so low as to not want to be here but no longer...

Gambling is no longer the main part in my life and controlling me...

Someone that was at the same school as me from years ago has just passed away after an illness. They were the same age and really wakes you up to the more important things in life...

Here's to gaining control in ones life and seeing the important things in life

Awayout

Just to remind myself about why I hate those FOBT machines (may also help others)!

1) Have spoilt close relationships and trust

2) They had made me an addict feeding them

3) They are a lump of metal not a friend

4) They are built to sucker you in and make money!!!!

5) They have ruined me financially (even worse if I had not self excluded). Once had £20,000 saved up now Im £20k in red plus have spent much more in wages etc... Probably wasted at least 40 grand... in 10years

6) They take over your life and control you

7) They are a magnet for people with problems, low self esteem etc

8) They cause greed, envy people to watch when they have nothing...

9) Basically evil especially roulette... just add the numbers up!

10) They steal dignity, future happiness and freedom as well as ruin relationships and trust

Well thats my little bit of release venting my anger and those horrible machines...

Oh also to recap they gave me an addiction to roulette so I went on to online casinos.

Fortunately I have now managed to really decide I want to change even though I have had the odd slip. I self excluded in the Summer of 2009 from all local bookies and have had online blocking for many months.

I am sure my situation would be 10 x worse had I not taken these majot steps to address my problem..

My head is much clearer now and am concentrating on clearing up the mess in my life caused by being a FOBT/roulette online addict.

To be honest the machines nor the game no longer excite me but I still have to be aware I still have a problem

The hardest thing is not the financial debt as that will be paid off slowly over time it is the emotional scars and worry/stress caused to my loved ones. I am sure a couple of them now see me as a waster having thrown my money and many opportunities down the drain....

The only way I can look at this is is as a life experience that can help me appreciate the simple things more.

Anyone considering self exclusion from bookies/online do it now it does help an awful lot in recovery...

Here's to more money in the bank. A more stable and happier family without gambling ruining everything

Awayout

Hi Awayout

Never give up, giving up. Progress not perfection. The list is good.. keep in touch with the reasons that you don't want to gamble anymore. I am doing it vicariously through your thoughts. Keep safe.. S.A 🙂

Thanks SA bucked me up a bit!

I just need to look back at what I was doing about a year ago probably recovering from a massive loss etc.

Things have improved. However my homelife is not good. I live with mum and step 'dad' (he does not consider himself dad) We used to get on when I was much younger say up to twenties now I do not get on with him he is constantly moaning about this or that and it has got worse as I have got older.

I admit I have said a couple nasty things when the nagging gets bad but always do not really mean what I said but he sort of holds grudges and has never given me a second chance since and is not exactly friendly although I share mealtimes.. he knows about the past gambling so I think he holds that against me as well.

I try and keep myself to myself in the house but it is impossible. It really had undermined my confidence over the years...

I was feeling cr** the other day with virus and he followed me down to breakfast room moaning about me not doing the washing as soon as I came down first thing. I snapped and puched him on the arm he then went on about how he should punch me back and started saying I was lazy and will still have my finger up my **** when my mother was on death bed not doing a thing for her..

He just says some really nasty things and it is not a good situation.

Did not go to a family outing today as he refuses to take me anywhere in the car and I cant afford to run one myself at the mo.

Looking back things were OK after coming back after uni for a while having better job. But since the gambling situtation the full extent of which he does not know and the loss of my savings and the rows, now part time job things are much worse.

It really is my time to go but financially I cannot at mo you can't change the past. I sort of came back from uni to keep an eye on my mum and home comforts but soon gets too cosy.. When I had the wage coming in and not the gambling debt I was able to help her out a bit. But last few years probably have been having it all back!!!!

Don't know if anyone can relate to trouble with a step 'dad' or someone in that kind of role. I feel bad enough that I am not making more of myself have basic low paid job following couple better paid jobs siblings all have well paid jobs and one has their own home the other rented. I feel like a failure.

I really think he is trying to shove me out although he said he is not. I do feel guilty as they both have done a lot for me and I should be supporting them... My mum understands more as she knows the full extent of problem. Even if he could see the progress I have made and the addiction I am fighting it would make no difference... He is just looking down on me the whole time....

Anyway here is to better things. Probably will end up changing this post as family related. One good thing I could have easily got low as regards not going to family event and more often or not would have turned to the FOBT but did not!!!!

It is almost as my mum's partner wants me to be seen as a failure in her eyes and the blacksheep but I refuse to be.

No betting today

Awayout

Hi Awayout,

An open and honest post. I enjoyed reading it. Life can feel like being stuck between a rock and a hard place sometimes, don't you think? Thats certainly been my experience anyway. I am Struggling to find the courage to make changes even small ones, let alone the big ones. I see a similar struggle within you... like you say yourself the underlying mindset to work on is "I feel like a failure".. this is fundamentally what needs to change. Your not alone in that though.. that has been my base line. Its hard not to compare oneself to others and beat oneself up.

I would imagine that if you had your own home and a job that you enjoyed and which paid a good salary and had a soul mate and a bunch of good friends then it would it would help your self-esteem no end and probably improve the relationship with your family and help you to not gamble.

Making progress on these things will take time and effort. A life times journey a day at a time. For me i havent gambled in sometime but alas i do not have peace of mind and that is why i have to work on not gambling methodically as i do. I don't really know what the answers are but what i do appreciate it is that the more I am able to talk about whats going on for me.. the slightly less overwheming it all seems.

Your ok Awayout. I am ok to.. take care.. S.A 🙂

Having bad time at work what with the weather everyone struggling to get the time to do their jobs and trying to say I can get on with mine whilst serving customers! Wlist everyone else is not on a till and is assigned there job. Right!!!

Not doing the hard gambling bookies/online/roulette anymore but still lottery.

Struggling to pay quite all bills but nearly as I bought too much stuff to stop myself gambling. But I have to be careful I am not wasting my money on 'things'.

I find I am sticking up for myself a bit more or at least putting myself forward as a doormat which is where I have been in workplace.

Hope to get out of this place soon once 2 overdrafts paid off. Will take some doing on low wage but will get there.

Very tempting to think I can win the cash about 5k with low stakes but I know where I will end up = more debt gambling addiction continuing!!!

Over and out

Awayout

Hi awayout,

My last post to you was written when i had a hangover so apologies if it was a bit negative.. says more about my state of mind than anything else. Anyway am not hungover today and relatively ok.

What i find with work.. is that sometimes i just have to say to myself.. "whatever".. I do my job to the best of my abilities and then go home. On a bad day the serenity prayer can help.. find that courage to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Well done on not gambling on the hard stuff.. nice way of looking at it but.. as long as gambling on the softer stuff doesnt become a stepping stone to the harder stuff that can do the real damage.

I was also thinking about the "things" comment you make.. was wondering whether I do that.. looking at it positively I treat myself to an expensive coffee in a psoh coffee shop or going down the cafe and i guess my gym membership is a treat really and cable telly, internet and phone. I regret getting the cable telly and phone waste of money really. I dont need a landline and free view is enough.. but there d**n marketing got me in and now an tied into a contract... the internet is all i want really.

What do you do with the things that you buy? Is it for comfort, in that they are your possessions or is it for buying and selling? Maybe try and figure out how to treat yourself in others ways, instead of gambling I will... "fill this gap" and not buy random stuff. Anyway am rambling on a bit I am on a bit of a buzz after the gym.. healthy buzz 🙂

Cheers for now.. S.A 🙂

Thanks for post.

Yes I have been buying thinking I can make a buck or two. Thing is too much buying not enough selling. On a bit of a guilt trip as I have not paid my way as I should but promised double next month. All other bills paid though.

I think I bought stuff to stop myself gambling it away but buying and selling can also be a gamble although you are left with something at the end of the day...

My overdrafts are getting to me I am paying £75 a month in interest fees so on quite a few thousand so hard getting it down I always seem to spend out when it goes down a bit. On one (biggest one) I have only til end of the year before it is reviewed.

Already taken out all the loans I can and if I had another one % would be catastrophic.

I think I may ahve to approach them and see if I can freeze overdraft interest you have to say you don't have enough to live on etc etc forms etc. Has anyone done this before I dont want another loan though.

Unravelling and slowly clearing up the financial mess after gambling is really tough but hope I get there sooner than later.

Awayout

Hi Awayout...

£75 interest! ... it does not have to be this way.

My suggestion is this. Firstly and most importantly have your wages re-directed into a basic bank account ie one that allows dd's and standing orders etc but where you cannot have a debit card and cannot get an overdraft. You must keep your wages safe from being swallowed up by overdafts and the bank closing your account.

Next you approach your debtors with your budget sheet.. which is basically a list of your incomings and outgoings... and how much you can afford to pay your creditors. I would get help with drawing this up.. if you are going to go it alone atleast use a template off of a debt website like nationaldebtline.co.uk or the C.A.B website. You make offers of what yu can afford to pay and ask them to freeze interest. You can also get specimen letters off these websites. Personally I would allow C.A.B or payplan or Cccs to do this work for you.. the creditors are more likely to say yes when working with any of these organisations.

In the interim what happens and what happened to me.. is that your accounts are passed over to their recoveries department and/or onto a debt collection agency. dealing with the debt collection agency is no different from the bank really.

Once agreements are in place and interest frozen then as long as you stick to said agreements the debt will go down and alot quicker than with £75 interest a month.

Take action with your debts Awayout.. they don't have to be this great weight around your neck forever and a day. Hope this helps a bit.. S.A 🙂

Thanks for the advice I know you are not a 'financial expert' and I would need to approach CAB etc.

I think it is just a reason why the urges still come back as I know I am always fighting to stay on top financially. Even when I am sensible, when I get paid a good deal of my wage is swallowed up by overdraft fees £75 roughly and loan repayment (consolidation) before I even think about keep to my mum and anything else!!!

It is very easy to think ' I need more money just to get through the month'. I already changed the bank my wages get paid into once so I think work will wonder why I am changing again. However if it makes the debt go down a bit quicker then I suppose it's worth it...

Saturday is still a bad day for me as so many Saturdays have been taken up with gambling and that 'buzz' it all seems so mediocre and a struggle now. I think gambling simple blocks out some of the things you want to avoid in life issues of loneliness/boredom etc and anything else and that is what people become addicted to...

Positives: (need some) :

1)last year I paid off my only credit card, a struggle when I had been paying off minimum each month...

2)I allso paid off the smaller loan I had for £3600 earlier than the three year term. (To think all that loan and the card debt was wasted on gambling....)

3) I can see the way I became addicted and realise I had/have a compulsive binge gambling problem on roulette online starting on the FOBTs in bookies.

4) I self excluded from the bookies in my area in 2009 for maximum period and nearby bookmakers. This took balls as the constant excuse was it was embarrassing and I would not be able to have anykind of bets at all. This isslowly making a difference to my life. Like the fog has blown away from my eyes. Quite painful emotionally I might add. I could easily cry if I think about the losses/rows with family and the aftermath of the addiction...

5) I can finally look at myself again. I can also see my faults and look at the things in my life that may have led me to gambling addiction. I am slowly trying to tackle them which I could never do before....

6) This is a new year and I can look to the future with optimism. Not looking for a big win to 'make things right'. Looking for other goals in my life. I have a lot of time to make up!

The FOBTs crossed my mind today, coming here has helped. I try to run throught the scenario now in my mind if I get an urge::

For example:

I have xxx in the bank for a bill yet to be paid by SO and a little etc. I could find a fobt somewhere and risk a little. Then I think right I am playing the roulette I could win, but then I would want more I would still carry on...

THEN I thought (which I never normally could fight this with):

What if I LOSE. More often than not with these things... I will be UNABLE to pay my last large montly bill (loan repayment). I would have to ask mum to bail me out again. Already I am paying less that I should because of debts....

ANSWER: NO it is not worth the risk. Even if I won they would have it back another day and more causing more stress. I have just enough for my bills if I am careful..

This is how I have been coping recently. It helps to run the scenario of what would happen if I DID gamble. I have to stop myself going out at the moment to other places if I travel as I can access the bookies...

I am looking forward to the day I can go out and treat myself without the risk of gambling...

Awayout

Hi.. yes thats true Awayout.. my thoughts on finances and recovery and everything really are purely based on personal experience and the thoughts of others ive picked up along the way.

Lots of positives in your post. I agree that thinking a gambling episode through in ones mind can help not to place that first bet. We both know that a gambling episode always ends in disaster.. its just a question of time. keep safe.. S.A 🙂

Just to say I had a 'cloud' over me today thinking about money too much is never good for a gambler in recovery IMHO.

It is good to sort things out financially and plan them and not pay out for debt charges you can ill afford. Also in my view the less financial worries ie; a sensible plan the less likely you are to feel the need to gamble to try and get that cash back and just accept losses.

Played the lotto today lost of course. Now giving that up would be sensible would save me £20 a month (spending roughly fiver a week).

It feels strange though now the gambling is more under control other worries in my life like work stresses and other bits never seem as bad as I have been through so much through the gambling addiction (painful experiences).

Sometimes I find myself numb when someone has having a joke at my expense etc and dont react badly (mainly work colleagues) which they may find odd. It is happening at work I just kind of ignore it as I have no energy to react dont know if anyone else has experienced this in withdrawal from gambling.

I keep thinking if they could see my pain and what I have been through would they act in that way??

I seem to be the constant bad of jokes I guess I have to be careful not to let them get away with everything... probably a sign of their own problems that they have to use someone unassuming and quite quiet as a battering ram. I think its a kind of bullying and makes them feel good!!

Apologies for my ramblings today anyone reading my diary just the way Im feeling!!

I am a sensitive soul

Awayout

Hi Awayout,

Ive just nicked this from Charly's diary. (thanks Charly 😉 ) It kinda feels appropriate in line with your latest thoughts..

... "Be patient with the faults of others; they have to be patient with yours."

I am a sensitive soul as well.. but not as sensitive as i use to be. Like you suggest senistivity is in part a product of our own internal unhappiness. But I find gradually with recovery I am starting to be come more tolerant and accepting of others behaviours and a little less sensitive (maybe).

I hope you have a good week Awayout. I enjoy reading your thoughts as always. Cheers.. S.A 🙂