Need to start all over!

Hi Awayout,

I know how hard it can feel to put self-awareness and undertsanding of addiction in to practice. And your correct it can be easy to make a concious choice to ignore all the warning signs that lead to relapse. At the end of the day (in my opinion) its an emotional problem. For me when i manage my feelings whatever they are I am less likely to choose self-destructive behaviour of which gambling is by far the worst.

If we always do what we always did we will always get what we always got.. thats true for me and true for you. You can step off your cycle of problem gambling at any point. Keep posting.. S.A 🙂

Hi Awayout

You failed to stop when u reached the danger line because you are a compulsive gambler!We dont know how to stop...if our mind knows we can access money in minutes via a cashpoint we keep goin and goin and goin.......until wham!!!! no funds left! just the way it works, it almost impossible to lose say £40 in minutes, knowing you have a cachcard on you and walk away and leave it at that! why should this machine have our money? it must be ready to pay...ive lost £40..surely its due me that back....numerous cr** running around our minds!!!

Thanx for sharing and being so honest! I noticed you was posting more when u was absent from gambling, well the fobt....just a thought! wish you all the best.

neil

Hi just to say I have listened to both your posts very helpful.

Just getting out of that 'poor me' drained feeling that I seem to have when I relapse. The money is gone I need to accept that it cannot be won back by gambling. We all know what follows a win as a CG more losses to add to the losses and debts feelings of depression.

I managed to not let this illness cheat me of enjoying my freetime. Yesterday I went for a lovely walk and sat down on a park bench enjoying the warm sunshine.

Certainly better than work or gambling!

Really the free things are the finest things in life, It has taken me 20 years to see that instead of chasing flase dreams of wealth and happiness.

I have been happier recently without the gambling and chasing imaginary wealth. I want to get back to not being a gambler again. Never thought I would say it but I loathe gambling the feelings of false hope and then only to be followed by despair.

Those FOBTs really should be banned as advertising from TV for casinos and those casino sites on freeview etc.

There is surely going to be a new and even larger number of problem gamblers what with the lottery as well as a starting point for many....

No doubt some of the rich people in power are getting even richer from the gambling advertising and allowing the relaxation in gambling laws. It reminds me of all these politicians and what they get away. 99% are in it for personal gain/influence be it business or wealth and are corrupt or become corrupted... IMHO

They do something wrong seem to get away with it and financially awarded take that Peter bloke becoming a Lord after being sacked... and the recent Tax Dom issue.

Will be watching the PM debate tonight!

Awayout

Hi awayout,

Most of what you say i agree with..including the nice feeling of sitting on a park bench with the warmth of the sun on the face.. its FREE!

I am also the same that when i am feeling sorry for myself its o so easy to get all bitter about whats going on with goverment and the gambling industry and inequalities in wealth and corruption etc etc. But alas the bottom line is that it doesnt help my own situation in life and in some sense is wasted emotional energy. Get back to enjoying the warmth of the spring sunshine after what has been such a cold and debilitating winter.. thats what i say.

I also echo what Neil said.. your posts are very open and honest. I find these qualities very helpful for my own recovery and i know how hard it can be to come back and post after gambling again. But just like Neil says you do tend to post more when your not gambling on the FOBT'S. I struggled to write again after my bad patch but i realise that writing helps me to not gamble so i keep writing.

I have such a clear image in my mind of where you are at.. and as always i can relate becuase its not that far removed from where i am at. Its just i think that you still feel that further gambling can somehow make significant in roads into your debts.. when the reality says that this doesnt happen. Accept this as your reality.. let debts go down gradually over however long it takes.

Positive vibes in your direction as always.. S.A 🙂

Thanks SA for those positive vibes.

The sunshine I was referring to were the glimmers of spring still pretty cold when the wind is on you but still cheered me up.

I do notice that I am able to pick myself up a lot quicker than before as I am not into going into the bookies almost everyday like I was a few years back. Also online gambling a things off the past.

I also have a clearer idea of where I am at. I was doing well getting the immediate debt in bank accounts down £100 or so a month unfortunately most of that gone from recent lapse. I know I can pick myself up and start again.

It is hard work paying off that debt and I realise that gambling has never helped me financially. It has only funded more gambling but my brain still lies to me occasionally that I can get that win. It is getting better though.

Life is hard work and getting those rewards from decent hard work by its very nature is tougher than gambling. But I need to accept gambling has got me in this mess and will just make life harder as recently proven with the debt.

The emotional mess gambling causes is even harder to clear up than the debt.

I will get there without gambling...

Awayout

Had a good day yesterday, today spent time going through some of the mess in my life.

For the past 10-15 years I have been building up clutter. The more you have the harder to sort it out. I admire those people who can be minimalist.

Anyway look at old finance records and diaries and it really hit home how deep in addiction I was especially 2006-2007 by 2008 had lost all my cash and seriously in debt.

Yes I know I have had the odd relapse but things are 95% better. Will be 110% when fully in control.

How nice not to have that worried feeling about money the whole time. I do have still to sort myself out but I know I can gradually do it without gambling...

The worse feeling before was knowing the urges were always going to get their way but actually they are not if I have all the blocks as I have. Occasionally I have let my guard down like last Monday after 2 months off FOBTs allowing myself to carry money. But things are a hell of a lot better.

Awayout

Hi.. yes good to have a sort out of the clutter.. feels like an acheivment when its done. I may well do the same in my flat today. I find that their is a relationship between the state of my flat and the state of my mind. My flat is a bit of a cluttered mess at the moment.

I hope your having a good week.. S.A 🙂

Thanks for posting SA hope you are clearing that flat!!

It is really weird when you find something that shows how much a mess your mind was in ie diary just full of betting figures (losses mainly) and budgeting coz of gambling.

I really need to sort my head out as I am having my overdraft reviewed in November. One of 2 overdrafts At the moment is is 4 figures 1000s . It is not really going down. Everytime I get paid I am kind of living out of my overdraft paying x in authorised overdraft charges plus my regular consolidation loan repayment. Quite a lot on a low wage... Think I am going to have to get independent advice on this soon before it comes to a crucnch and they ask me to stump up the cash I have not got!!!

Have gotten use to people at work, quite like them even though they annoy me sometimes. May have to leave that family for greener pastures financially anyway... as soon as I find that opportunity.

Fast approaching that big 40. Never had a great career or really settled yet. I think that was all part of the reason I started gambling. Although mainly the feeling of isolation and loneliness.

Have sorted myself from the mess from last Monday. What a waste of my hard earned cash. When you have little cash (like me now) every pound scraped together seems that much more precious. Whereas when I had plenty of money I never respected it how odd ...

When I had loads of money I just kind of felt the need to hoard it and never really made use of it in my life. It simply became a tool for my addiction which when frittered away was followed by credit cards and loans to fund the habit....

I think the need to rebuild your personal relationship with money when recovering from addiction is very important. Also rebuidling strained relationships (the hardest).

Something for us all to think about.

Awayout

Hi Awayout,

As always i relate to your thoughts. Change is not easy but its easy not to change. I am in much the same boat as you accept nowadays I do not have the financial pressures and I think that finding a way to reduce your financial pressures will help you with your recovery.

You know my views.. basic bank account for wages with a bank you dont have debts with. Reduced payments and freezing of interest for your debts negotiated via CCCS or Payplan or CAB... it doesnt matter which as long as its free. One payment to which ever one of the above you go with and they distribute. You don't have to live in a world of unauthorised overdraft charges and stressing about a review thats actually more than six months away! Though I was much the same I totally understand.

Hope you have a good weekend. Lets hope the sun comes out.. cheers.. S.A 🙂

Yes nice Sunny day and I am going out the house today always helps (day trip)

You are right living in overdrafts and worrying about the charges is a little depressing!

I know if I can get through it I am better off paying off the debt, but as you probably know I cannot find the 1000s needed to pay of the immediate debt of overdrafts.... which are making a combined interest charge (authorised) of £65-70 a month a lot of wasted money when you are on a low wage....

I would have to open another bank account for wages, (second time) and start from scratch to do this something worth considering but again I find this embarrassing as the people in the bank know me well from where I work locally.... Though maybe I am beyond that now... that comes to nearly £800 a year in interest charges (not including my loan) which is a lot I know...

I could have stayed home today selling stuff online to help but I need to get out...

Looking at vacancies also...

If I can pay off one of the 2 overdrafts I would be getting the paying off debt thing rolling again...

Awayout

Hi not trying to sound depressed but struggling a bit keeping myself motivated in life in general.

I am in mid thirties quite well educated but never had a decent career as regards pay and satisfaction from work.

I try not to do it but I am constantly seeing people of my own age group with so much more as in terms of houses, cars income and seemingly happy families. I try to tell myself money and material things are not everything but money does help you go on holidays etc nice times giving pleasure to others.

I now realise I have squandered all my cash and made things hard on myself in my thirties and probably early forties and outting next to nothing away for a rainy day.

I know the old adage that ' there is always someone better off and always someone worse off'. Be happy with what you have - but it's tough when you know because of gambling you have given away much of the pleasure you could have been having. Gambling addiction is a very cruel illness with long term consequences.

With hindsight I would say anyone thinking about continuing gambling especially in there late teens 20s, stop now and save yourself agro in later life... there is hope but it really makes you miserable. You will have to PAY the emotional consequences as well as financial if you fuel your addiction.

If I knew what I do now I never of course would have touched gambling. But we cannot turn back time but maybe this diary will help others too.

Was felling a bit down as regards work, lack of intimate relationship, miserable weather, gambling debts and 'my gambling problem' and what my future holds because of my gambling past. But already feeling a bit better getting this off my chest.

Stay in there people

Awayout

Hi Awayout,

Thats it.. keep talking, keep writing. Thats what i try to say to myself. My situation in life is o so similar to yours. Okay so i don't have the debts anymore but like you say there are long term consequnces with gambling addiction both financial and emotional. The thing is and excuse my french.. theirs f*** all we can do about the past but try to come to terms with it and move forward and better oneself a day at a time. Ive had a tough day today and in the past i would ahve spent the evening gambling.. but I don't do that anymore.. progress made!

Glad you feel a bit better having got things off your chest... S.A 🙂

Thanks for post SA.

I think not having the debt does help in recovery but as you say all of us have lost out money and emotional solidity because the addiction is always lurking.

I try now not to count the pennies and pounds I have lost as this does not help and in fact can fuel a relapse as an excude to gamble would be to win some money back stupid as that may seem!

Instead with the Sports relief etc on it has reminded me so many people are much worse off. I am going to think of those poor kids in Africa when I am tempted to waste my cash and even work to giving some money. Even with our debts we are so much better off than them in terms of stability and safety.

I remember times as we all do when I could not even have a couple quid for a sandwich or a bar of chocolate/snacks as I literally had no money. It is really an awful feeling having nothing but debts to pay.

Yes, I am paying off slowly for many years but at least I can give myself a small allowance and the debts will go down slowly without the gambling.

Just recently I am not buying so many lottery tickets etc one is enough etc which I could not do before. I am not going online roulette every other day at the point of a nervous breakdown when I have lost everything and I am not going on the FOBTs nearly every day as I was. Things are getting better.

Have a good day eveyone!

Awayout

Not my favouite day as back to work after weekend!

I have to watch myself I bought a couple of lotto hotpick 3 tickets the weekend I had 2/3 numbers needed on one ticket and the other (M regular ones) I was one number away on each.

I have to be careful as this 'being close' nearly winning can make me want to gamble more. I also am still buying about £15 a week in scratchcards still. Just realise on the sratchcards alone that is £780 a year money that could be helping with the debt...

I am going to find ways of cutting out the scratchcards. Even if it means not even going in the shop. It has become my comort blanket for dealing with stress..

I know I should be chucking in the lotto too. Trouble is I think because of some past experiences if I miss a week those numbers will come up. It is a sad life though waiting for a few balls to come up.

Trying to get over the Monday morning blues. I must admit my weekend was not very fulfilling. Things are getting ou of hand regarding my clutter. I have never been very good at getting rid of things and I seem to buy more!

Awayout

Hi Awayout,

This is the dreadful thing about gambling. We know that gambling has caused the mess into which we have got ourselves and yet we continue to see further gambling as the possible solution.. just through a scratch of a card or a few balls with the right numbers on them.. we cling to the hope that our financial problems will be sorted in an instant!!

I am just the same. Although I do not have debts anymore. My gambling head says I could "win big" and then be able to go into work.. frisbie a resignation letter on to managements desk and never have to work again. This is the dream world of the compulsive gambler. Its not gonna happen but my gambling head will continue to try and persuade me otherwise. All I can do is work on this thinking a day at a time. All the best in your continuing journey.. S.A