Need to start all over!

Thanks SA nice to see that I am not mad it is whatever people with gambling addiction are thinking too.

Thursday always a funny day for me never any great urge to gamble unless day off.

Danger points definitely Wednesday (lotto) Friday ***** and unwinding after usually quite stressful week. . Saturday big danger point where all my major betting on FOBTs etc has been done in past and feeling so bored gamling felt exciting.

Another big danger point coming back to work after a week off (like last week). Could have easily gone into my gambling head.

Why is it that after you have a week off you come back to more stress than before and the week drags on?. Sometimes I actually think is it really a holiday and worth taking off as you come back often to more work when people are not covering you properly and jobs have been left half-done?!

You end up not having a rest at all!!!

Looking forward to weekend break. I should not but in some ways I resent those poeple living off us when genuinely can work. Maybe I am a bit envious they are doing next to nothing and having some spare time & cash to waste on f**s alcohol and gambling...

It is the spare time I miss most and people I face some of them are the most down and out freakish people you could imagine... Many could not hold down a career to be fair but I have to put up with their rudeness etc.

When I can I aim to get out and do better things but I have been saying that last 5 years. Life is passing me by. I do need that little bit of income to pay bills/debt until I can get something better but there have been days I wish I could just chuck it in on get sacked so I can claim benefit and live a 'peaceful life'.

Awayout

Hi Awayout,

My thinking with work is to just try and go to work and do my job as best i can. If i see something not done or partly done chances are i will just do it without making a fuss about it. I think (in theory atleast) thats the best way with work. It doesnt really help having a moan about others. Sometimes ive learnt or not learnt the hard way with that.

I totally relate to the "life passing me by" thinking. The gambling head loves that one. By the way I did go for a fairly long period of time not working. Its no life either i'm afraid. Great tracts of time to fill and very little money. The gambling head loves that one to.

Today i try to appreciate what i do have in life. I have my health and a home that i am happy in. I have a sense of freedom.

I was reading a book yesterday "How to change your life" It says start with 3%.. tiny goals, small acheivments and then build on that.

All the best.. thanks for your post on my diary...much appreciated.. S.A

I thought I had better post because it does strengthen my resolve against gambling

Monday again! Depressing weather etc a danger point. But no money left to gamble with if I am to be honest. Last month I had relapse and had to sell most of my last premium bonds I have at last managed to save to pay my bill.

A step backwards but as you say baby steps are best. I am no longer obssessing over money even though I have none which is nice. I was though when I was gambling and winning and losing big.

I somehow still feel I have been wasting my life. Getting into debt and paying off the debt in the future in effect working for nothing as there is no left over lolly.

I am getting by but that is not a life. Just found out a relation lost their job again! Strange they have high powered well paid jobs but don't stay there more than a few months. Whereas I am loyal stay in the job and yet am low paid and am struggling life doe not make sense!!!

People keep saying it is better to have a low paid job than nothing. But I feel if I do not make a break for a change in my life job or no job I will just get stuck in something I do not want to do

Here's to sunny summers, smiling faces (not the miserable ones I see daily) AND better times ahead!

Awayout

Hi Awayout,

Your resiliance amazes me at times,i sometimes feel the same as you with life in general but it genuinely looks like you,ve turned a corner,i call it "sombre reflection"

Dont know if it helps reflecting on things we,ve done wrong or things we,re not quite getting right but just pondering and actually "feeling" the moments we,re living seems to give us a handle on things,we might not like what we see but at least we can see "it".

Nothing is hidden behind a veil of false hope and unlikely outcomes.

Keep thinking,keep talking and keep posting,you make sense.

Regards,

"" A NEW LIFE ""

Hi despite the weather feeling upbeat with the Easter Bank Holiday Break!

Yes I think you are correct 'a New Life' I am feeling I am turning a corner. To put it in proportion I think I am nearly at the end of a long corner! The debt recovery and stopping gambling will be the final long spate of this journey and when I feel I can finally move on from gambling.

You also correct I am seeing things for what they really are. I can see another 'losing opportunity/danger' rather than a winning one/quick fix to my financial problems. I could never do that a year or so ago.

My love affair with gambling is over!!

Still don't like my job but hey at least I have one! Noones life is perfect. Here's to a Happy Easter stayomg off gambling

Awayout

Hi awayout.. I almost want to write exactly what ANL has written.. I echo his thoughts. Sombre reflection. I like that phrase. It has an earthy realism to it. At the end of the day we all have to accept the reality of our life situations even when it gets us feeling melancholly. As I get older I have less inclination to put on a big mask.. though i still do a bit. I try to be honest with myself and how I feel. My life is what it is.. warts and all. happy easter.. S.A

Yes I think self reflection and realising what gambling has done to you is important in moving on.

I think getting ovet letting gambling addiction take you over and not seeing it sooner is a hard lesson to take and for me personally I think it will take me many years to overcome...

I feel like I have wasted too many hours this short bank holiday wallowing in my own self-pity. I find myself almost in a dream like state today trying to get some bits done one the computer but not getting much done at all.

I found I was literally wasting time dreaming and fuddy-dudding around with few results. I keep comparing myself to these wonderful people you see on the tv and around you and I know it is not good to do that...

I must try and work harder though to pay off this debt but today I felt numb and could not seem to get anything done. I will be honest I thought about going off and gambling (would have to travel). Fortunately I stayed off the temptation. But still felt quite negative towards myself for having those thoughts still...

Back to my basic job tomorrow. Not saying I have not enjoyed any of the break from work but I have a tendency to dream rather than get things done at the moment.

Awayout

Things in my life seem to be moving. Quite a few people at my work place have moved on or are anout to in the next couple months. Makes me think I should be doing the same...

There are reasons I cannot:

1) I Rely on the basic income for bills/debt repayment

2) No other jobs found

3) Feel apathetic and down rather than motivated.

4) I consider some of the jobs avaialble would just be the same if not worse (the grass is not always greener on other side syndrome)

5) Simply I am not putting in enough effort to find other work...

I know it's all down to me to make the change and I need to reinvigorate myself to do this. I am in mid-thirties crisis.

Have felt like chucking in the job more times than I would like recently.. If I had the cash to do other things I would but I cannot.

Awayout

Hi awayout,

The dream world of the compulsive gambler. Easy to dream but seemingly hard to actually do. Bite sized chunks I keep trying to tell myself. Start small. I think am gonna start reading the Ga books again such as the "Just for todays".. Just for today I will have a plan.. I may not stick to it exactly but i will have a plan. All the best my fellow traveller through life.. S.A

Find myself having devious thoughts again as regards money.

I know with all the work I have done over the years and scrimping and saving I deserve better.But gambling has basically ruined me. The only money I am seeing is the money left over in the overdraft each month.

I should have seen it coming when I lost my '000s in savings. But no as a fool/addict I continued to allow addiction to take me over.

It is a tough thing especially in the Summer when you see people enjoying themselves and you can hardly afford or risk going for a day out as it's too much temptation.

I did actually manage to buy some new clothes a couple months ago which has been unusual for me. There I was gambling away thousands before and wearing old clothes. Having a parent to help fund the purchase of a new coat etc.

Talk about not seeing the wood for the trees!!

I have not posted for 10 days which is a bad sign for me. I need to keep posting here to remind myself why I need to steer away from gambling.

Already only about 2/3 through month spending money gone on bills. I feel slightly down working in customer service facing role when people are enjoying themselves in the sun. Keep trying to fool myself into thinking I am happy when I would like to be free too!

It's annoying when you know you are helping to fund the lazy lifestyle of some people who are rude to you as customer and are not working when they can!!! Sorry just a gripe I have (no offence to genuine people on the dole who cannot find a job).

I can remember promising myself I would not work another year in the middle of Summer sweating working hard as a wage slave for annoying people but I cannot see anything different yet.

I have not been proactive enough in finding new jobs. There isn't much better being offered locally or jobs seem too 'high up' managerial etc when I have no experiece there...

Time for a change soon,

Awayout

Hi Awayout,

Good thought provoking post by you there,i picked up on a few things that i think sometimes all us ex-gamblers are guilty of.

You could be right in feeling that you deserve more for all the hard work you,ve done i used to feel the same but you know what i decided to accept where i am with it all,some years we are poor,some we are ok and some we are proper skint (probably when gambling,i,m sure you agree).

I think a lot of feelings are borne from "worry",worrying about what we,ve lost,what we should have,what we havent got,i personally have decided to elbow the word "worry",i dont see any use in the word at all,worry from what i have seen over the last 25 years since i started gambling alters nothing,it does not alter an outcome which is more or less going to happen regardless of how we feel,therefore whats the point in worrying.

I dont think any of us could have seen what was coming regarding our gambling,god knows if we had have been able to then there would be NO problem gambling so no mileage in that thought pattern i feel??

Regarding it being a tough time this summer,dont let it be,it doesnt have to be that way,i,m sure you remember the snow in january,well which one would you honestly prefer?? and definately dont let other people enjoying themselves fool you into thinking that they havent got any or the same problem as you or me,i think EVERYONE in some form or another is really struggling with most things at the moment,i too used to look at others and think "look at them,enjoyoing themseves" hey why not,good luck to them,we dont know whats really going on in their lives,just be happy with who and what you are,if your healthy,your a millionaire in life terms.

I think you,ve made some great progress in the last 6 months,you used to come on here talking about your latest slip and how bad you felt but think about it,that doesnt happen now,i call that good progress and try not to let your job get you down mate,its just a job it will probably still be there after you have moved on and someone new might love it,its all about perception i feel.

Remember Awayout,FORTUNES CHANGE!!!!!

Best Regards,

"" A NEW LIFE ""

Hi I knew I was vulnerable yesterday.

For some reason my security blocking software did not work and I clicked on a gaming site. 1st one they recognised my details and I was unable to create new one. For some reason I thought I would test my software usually it throws up a blank screen (Betfilter) tried Ls no blank screen but founf myself trying to create an account they recognised I was self excluded from their security and was unable to open new one brilliant.

Unfortunately third attempt **** was able to create a new account and spend XXX pounds I feel sick writing it getting on for 1k in crappy casino playing live roulette until bank stopped giving me money.

I was using P (another payment method) not a card and for some reason was able to spend 500 above mu overdraft. Why the hell did my bank/P allow this???

I could not stop. The blocking software was not working and now I was gambling and losing and losing. A well known bookmaker rhyming with the word Bills who I had already excluded from both in highstreet and online from a couple accounts was allowing me to join and gamble with details they should have.

On this first day of joining the casino I contancted support almost in tears. They claimed I had not excluded before they had no record. But could fill out online form before. I insisted I was self excluded previosly. The supervisor I spoke to insisted he could see no record.

Then I wrote a long email higher up. This time they eventually admitted I had 2 accounts already self excluded with them but they while they would make steps to stop me gambling it was my responsibility not to open any more accounts.

I mean what kind of system have they got that they have no record/cross checking system that stops you opening another account?

Clearly I had tried to open new one but where is the protection from there end clearly demonstarted by other gambling sites I tried to join in a moment of weakness???

Is there anyone on here (staff) I can contact regarding Bills poor self exlusion policy? They seem happy to take money from someone they know has a gambling problem and has been reported /self excluded before. Their system is in disarray the initial support/security claimed they had no record of any other accounts excluded and unless I requested self exclusion again I could continue to gamble....

Surely they are in breach of some law if not recognising my previous exclusion?

I apologise to my friends here, my family who will have to bail me out in short term and myself for letting you all down. It was unfortunate my Betfilter had stopped working. I do notice my computer keeps restarting but no virus found yet.

Are Betfilter responsible in anyway????

So sorry but I need to start off again. Never expected not to be protected from gambling

Hi Awayout,

You new you were vulnerable and from what you say you were pretty determined to gamble. Self-exclusion, blocking software amd limiting access to money with the bank are useful tools.. but they are not full proof and never will be.. if you really want to gamble you will and you did! Playing the "blame game" after the event aint gonna make no difference. At the end of the day you made a choice to gamble your money away.

Am not having a go cos ive been in your shoes many times over the years but I will say it as i see it.. the lions share of the responsibility for your recent gambling rests squarely with YOU.. and the same goes for me with the last time I gambled. Accept the responsibility...even though your betfilter may have stopped working and even though after the third attempt you could sign up for a new account with a site you were excluded from and even though the bank allowed you to go way over your limit.

The gambling site, betfilter and the banks are all businesses. They provide a service but it doesnt necessarilly mean its a good service and all the time. Personal responsibility in recovery goes along way.

Make this your rock bottom. Your life does not have to completely go off the rails like it did with me. Do something to lower your stress levels it will help in not gambling. All the best.. S.A

I know I fouled up. I was determined to find a site but the blocking software was not functioning for those few hours. As I thought **** already excluded from and the Betting blocking people (software) are saying it's not their end.

I realise I was the one who in a moment of madness was determined to gamble with money I did not have may I add. But I think these companies that have your records as self-excluded and still allow you to rejoin with the same name, address and telephone number and even use same payment method are irresponsible.

They claimed they were taking steps to block me which just escalated to another self exclusion form. What is the point of that if they just let you open another account??? Something fishy there. Surely they are not suppose to profit from known compulsive gamblers!

I know I was irrepsonsible for trying to open another account but I think these big organisations who claim to be taking steps to help problem gamblers are not being quite honest. They have records of self excluded people but some allow you to reopen another account with all the same details bar username and then claim they are taking steps.

We all know that when the demon strikes you can be tempted to open an account with firm you are self excluded from. Can I report this company to gamcare? They are a major online and highstreet company and I think they deserve a bashing.

I realise they have my money (or rather my relations even worse) BUT why do they let known problem gamblers continue to open accounts when they have self excluded other accounts??? My answer greed/profiting from this illness...

Regards Awayout

Hi awayout,

I fully sympathise with you, i think its disgusting. They wouldn't even have things like self exclusion if it was up to them, they've been made to have these facilities. I can also see what S.A is saying though, there are ways round self exlusion if your determined. I hate these online sites for what they do though, not jus self exclusion they're terrible at but why do they let you deposit what ever you want, but when you want to withdraw, ohh thats a whole different story! You have to give all kinds of ID and bank cards etc its a joke. The bottom line is they DON'T CARE! All they want is your money.

I do remember watching something on the local news where some poor guy had excluded himself from the same company 'bills' and he managed to spend thousands. He took them to court and won as they didn't do enough to prevent problem gamblers. Think he got all his money back, think it would take a lot though and they've probably changed their policy so they don't have to pay out again.

Hope this helps,

Jimmy