Need to start all over!

Thanks for everyone's support in light of my recent slip when the gambling blocking software went down.

I have to take full responsibility.

I can not describe the guilt I feel at having my mother who is not well off help keep my head above water and pay the amount I have spent...

I want to make it up to her by becoming more stable and earning cash the decent way.

I feel virtually like a robber of my own family. Life is short and I want to show I can change before it is too late.

To be honest I did not enjoy the gambling but it felt like I was a kid in the sweetshop again just going through the motions.

This recent episode has just confirmed how any gambling is dangerous to me. I started with the £20 the it was 40 we all know how it goes.

I am fortunate to have such supportive family but it is unfair to be using them to bail me out in a moment of weakness. Some people though in my family would disown me if they found out.

Here is to better times.

I am truly sorry to my mum for what I have done again after quite a few months getting by without gambling.

I deserve to eat humble pie.

Awayout

Hi Awayout,

I think the kid in the sweetie shop kinda sums up addictive gambling. Eating all the sweets with no regard to the consequences until its too late. I am like a child when I gamble my money away... being a responsible adult just goes out the window.

One of the pivotal moments for me was when my mum said to me that she would be very sad if I gambled my money away until i was hungry and homeless but it would have been my choice. She went on to say.. do not approach any member of the family for money. That was the start of a wake up call for me. My gambling head new that their would be no more bailouts. If you feeling humble it sounds like now is the time to go to your mum and say.. don't give/lend me any more money even if I come to you with tears or anger.

I guess that if your family had not bailed you this time out then you would have probably had to default on debt repayments. That would not be bad thing in my opinion becuase that would have gone on your credit rating the result being no more possibility of extension of overdrafts new credit etc etc.

In short it might have forced you to take action to lower your repaymets with Cccs or similar or go bankrupt or put the effort in to finding a job with bigger salary. Another job with new people and a new dynamic maybe just the change that would help. Am also talking to myself here.

Ive always thought that your gamble and its consequnces have been very similar to mine and i still believe that to be true. It got much worse for me before it started to get better. It doesnt have to be the case for you.

Anyway ive gone on a bit. Weve been exchanging thoughts for a long time and am sure you don't mind me saying it as i see it. It deosnt mean to say its right of course. Just my opinion. As gambling free time passes you will start to feel better am sure. Thats the way it goes.. all the best.. S.A

Yes kid in a sweet shop good analogy.

I think in a way you are right I was taken aback by how my mum lent me that money when she has so little so that I would not get nasty letters and more charges...

I am not acting responsibly. I think I am also not consciously blackmailing her emotionally which I feel dreadful about. I know deep down she will help me out as she does not want her parnter (my stepdad) to find out about the gambling/money I have been having off her.

If he found out it would cause major rows and he might even leave or me be chucked out.

I don't think 'I will be bailed out' if I gamble. I just am completely selfish and think of nothing else if I get into gambling. I do think what the hell am I doing but then continue to gamble...

I know that the time I was looking to gamble I was feeling quite low. No money to treat myself and just feeling aimless and lethargic. When gambling it is really like self harm. I know another trigger was taking naps after work which I know is a sign of depression/boredom.

Another major trigger that made it more likely that I wanted the oblivion of gambling was that a couple of people are leaving at work. 2 of only 4 blokes working there. This kinda of made me feel down and thinking they were moving on doing better things whilst I was still stuck working there.

My relapses have been much rarer but when they come it is devastating. I need to be careful looking out for things that might make me feel like gambling emotionally. People leaving (emotional upheaval) is one of them as is me not staying as their friends when they move on. Immature I know but gambling irresponsibiy is childish... but with adult consequences.

Awayout

Hello Awayout,

All the reasons you have given in your last post as to why you gamble... are just your gambling mind making excuses.

You(like many) have used gambling up to now as a coping strategy. Although the reality of that type of support will ALWAYS be more heartache, always.

You need to start thinking and actively learning to use other ways of coping when situations arise & emotions become uncomfortable in your life. Because those times and situations continue throughout our lives... for everyone, not just gamblers!

As for continually letting your Mum sort out your financial problems... that is not on and I agree totally with SA on this.

To stop yourself feeling so bad about the situation and do something about it... make this the last time you take money from her.

You must face the consequences of your gambling actions in order to move forward.

How about making a commitment to repay your Mum for her never ending kindness. Even if it is only a pound a week but hopefully more... start making amends.

Make sure all your barriers are in place... check them and tighten them where necessary... do it now and then cease the self pity and move on forwards.

You have your whole life out there to create but no one can create it for you. It takes actions not words.

Jackie

Yes Jac your words sound harsh but they are true.

I must take responsibility and try and change the way I live my life.

Paying my mum back will take years as more than this one relapse and I have debts to pay off on low wage.

I am aware of all the things you say.

I have made some improvement but not enough.

Thanks Awayout

Going through a stressful week at work with different people in charge etc etc

I will have to really watch myself.

I feel really down still getting over last relapse I guess.

Just this feeling of apathy and really hard to make myself get up and do something positive.

I know it is the wring attitiude to feel sorry for myself. I need to start doing more things to distract myself off gambling and stop beating myself over this!

Noticing I am feeling distracted and not my normal concentration levels at work and in daily life. I feel like I am blocking things out and not thinking just 'zombie mode'.

Awayout

Just to say I don't know whether it's the weather or work or a combination of things (most likely) I am hearing those little thoughts of temptation.

I keep telling myself gambling is not a nice thing with all the mess it has got me in. I think once you start gambling again the more likely as a compuslive gambler you want to gamble again and get those horrible thoughts 'go on just one bet etc etc'

I am banned from online although the software/computer let me down during last slip (now fine again). Now the thought of the bookies is on my mind. I would have to travel as I am banned in the local area (self exclusion)

I know how stupid to gamble would be as I know that 9/10 times I lose and overall 100% I always lose money to them and more.

I know I am going to get a good slapping for mentioning I am feeling tempted but I have to be honest. It is the most selfish thing I could do as I had to have help during my last slip and they can't afford it. I can't beleve my mind would be so wicked to have these thoughts when it could make my family suffer.

I need comments/suggestions to get me thinking straight.

Awayout

Morning Awayout,

Your gambling thoughts are all normal and to be expected when you cut off their supply.

This is when you need to be Pro-Active.

Instead of letting these thoughts keep coming over you in waves and continually thinking about them... Take control of the situation... do something the minute you realise these thoughts are arising.

Contact netline/helplines and talk your feelings over with them.

Go to the Gym/Run and work hard, those thoughts will fade.

Ask your Mum if there is anything you could do for her, around the house/cleaning windows/shopping etc

If you have a dog, walk it!

Contact a friend.

Listen to some music/meditate/relax/read.

The list is endless and can and should include things that you may not prefer to do... but doing something other than gambling/thinking of gambling is the key. Especially in the early days or after a slip.

If you have any spare cash on you... give it to your Mum.

Urges & thoughts will not hurt you... they come and they go. Just let them flow through you and get on with something different.

Acting on urges and thoughts is a choice.

Continuing to allow yourself to think about them is also a choice

Have a productive day Awayout... For the Choice is yours.

Best wishes

Jackie

Just to say thanks I read your post it bucked me up.

I did not go gambling - a couple lotto but not the bookies...

I did however go on a spending spree spent £60 including a haircut and bought some bits and bobs.

I do feel like I overspent on things I did not really need but at least it avoided the bookies and I treated myself. Still need to take responsibility though and pay back what I owe family even if a tenner a month.

I no longer have the kind of cash I used to when in a better job and can no longer afford to P*** the cash up a wall by gambling.

2 good reasons to avoid gambling. Even when I think about the lottery I could have saved xxx pounds in a year from not having a gamble on that. Have not even won £10 in a year... Maybe someone is trying to tell me something...

Had relations round that was fun and took my mind off money

So a good day overall

Awayout

Hi Awayout,

Hope your ok and have managed to steer clear of the gambling this week.

I think making a regular token payment to your mum would be a demonstration that you want to try and make amends. For me ive been paying my dad £10 a month for years. Ok, so its only if he lives to about 100 will I have paid everything I owe him but thats not the point of course.

All the best to you have a good weekend.. S.A

Hi thought I had better post!

I was tempted to travel and gamble in a bookies not self excluded in. At least the stupid thought went through my head.

Why stupid? I have no spare cash. I have overspent already this month and still owe ny mother hundreds. Gambling would have only added to the debt and ultimately meaning longer for my mum to go without the cash I owe.

I did a few lottery but no other betting all lost as usual. It is really horrible as there is a new bookies opened up I have to walk past everyday to get to work. I think I am going to have to self exclude. I know as soon as I think about horses/dogs/virtual horses I will soon be back on those roulette machines that led to my addiction...

Thanks SA for taking an interest. To be honest I am still feeling pretty low about my last relapse.

I went on a bit of a spending spree with my overdraft again.

About the money I owe - trouble is I am already paying rent money to mum so difficult to find the extra on low wage. I did buy some nice food shopping today. Trouble is anything I give is seen as 'her money' because I owe it which is more or less true.

I want things to get better but my home life/working life/social life is a bit of a mess. Need to sort myself out but it comes from years of addictioin and self neglect and to the feelings of others..

Awayout

I must have gambled about £15 in lotto scratchcards and hardly a pound price to show for it.

Also one week later after posting I was feeling tempted to travel and gamble on roulette in bookies - well today I did and lost all my loan money and more that the card allowed me to withdraw about £300.

I have no cash so my worried stricken mum is helping me out again. I got a new card when I lost an old one and I kept getting the thoughts that I could risk the money as the results could be rewarding well they were not... also met some undesirables standing behind me on the machines saying they knew the better method covering nearly all the numbers and they were going to collect when I got off the machine..

I did not enjoy any of the gambling. But I kept getting it in my head I had a few days to put the money back for the bill and make some money. I once thought I had a brain but I am not so sure now..

Gambling addiction and the impusle to gamble goes against logic

Well I have had it with the lot , roulette, dogs horses and lottery/scratchcards. Gambling in general.

I intend to go cold turkey and get over this it is the only way I can make this up to my mother and get my self-worth back and self esteem. I don't have a bean spare.

I really think this is my rock bottom. Anymore could really lead me to doing something stupid - thinking family would be better off without me etc etc.

It is awful being controlled by an urge what an addiction is.

I need to change pronto.

Awayout

Hi awayout,

Looks to me like the consequnces of your gambling are getting progressively worse not just for you but for those around you to.

For me I find that my life starts to improve when i give up my search for immature gratifications and when i give up my self-seeking behaviors and when I give up my dependent childlike responses.

This is not easy in practice. I do not find it easy. But this is the wholly grail of recovery from addiction.. any addiction.. in my opinion.

If you keep on gambling your life is likely to get even worse and your current pre-dicament may simply feel like a ledge on the way down. Make this your rock bottom and start recovery. All the best.. S.A

Spot on SA

I think my mum mentioned the immaturity thing.

I want to live my life in a more mature way. But harder when you see youngsters with more wealth..

Unfortunately money seems to be so many people's God these days. People respect money even if it has been gotten by illgotten gains.

I am not promising anything as I keep breaking my pomises to mydelf and others but am sure gonna try.

Awayout

Hi awayout,

I think all us gamblers have issues with money. If youve grown up with the overriding thought that the more money you have the happier you are.. then its no surprise that your vulnerable to gambling addiction. Its only in recent years and with longer and longer periods of gambling free time that i realise that I have more money now than i ever did when i was gambling and all i had to do was not gamble. And like your good self Awayout I don't earn very much.

Keep fighting the good fight.. One day at a time. Keep safe and look after yourself.. S.A