Need to start all over!

Hi I had quite a shi**y start to the day what with the cold weather and then 2 overdue library books where I will need to fork out about £12. Also watch packed up the weekend so new battery for older watch needed.

Not exactly what I need right now with things being so tight because of gambling and debt from gambling (yes need to remind myself of that)

Because I could not be trusted with my card had to borrow £20 off my mum. Promised not to spend on the roulette. Was running late but managed to buy the new battery.

You guessed it though I had that £15 change burning a hole in my pocket after work as I had not time to use it to pay the fines.

To be honest the roulette machines crossed my mind 'I might just win big' Then the thought that I could not face home if I lost the cash and it was freezing cold put me off wanting to stay in a bookies. I thought just 'No. I'm not risking it I am going back home.' I took the other way home, not past the bookies even.

At home this made me feel so happy that I had actually turned my back on roulette/bookies. I realise I can self exclude from them but I know there will always be somewhere else to let me in and I now believe in effect to 'steal my money' .

I realise now some people have their gambling under control . I know someone who said they won £1k and put it in the bank. Mind you that was £200 bet. They said I should always put it away if I won and as a young man should be careful! Well it is too late I thought I have already lost everything and am in £20k in debt if only that person knew!!

I know that I cannot keep any money and accept that I am a 'rubbish gambler' and I think that is a good attitude to have to keep meaway from it now.

If I was a well balanced successful gambler (I know they are rare) I would not have lost my life's savings and be so far in the red.

I think as we change our general daily thought processes with the correct program (as I read somewhere) we can change our life. I know I can do this if I combat the 'gambling urges' with the correct answers in my brain.

Slowly sinking in after all these years struggling. But I think I have only really genuinely wanted to stop in the last couple years since things have gone too far. All the other times in the last 10 years I have been fooling myself.

I perhaps had a hint I had a problem but took no effort to really fight it with the right thoughts which does take effort and willpower.

5 years ago I really knew then that the gambling was winning, though perhaps a little scared of the addiction, I still had the financial fuel to just keep the gambling going and taking any money I could get towards the end from family/loans/credit card.

Now I do think I have seen sense and the finances now gone means perhaps I can finally put the brakes on step back and recover a) emotionally (most important) and b) debts paid off slowly. c) trust with family rebuilt too hopefully..

AWAYOUT

Hi Awayout.

When i read your diary it reminds me a lot of myself when i was younger. Although you say you do, i dont get the impression you are really ready to stop. I can feel your anxiety about what it does to you but there are still signs that you feel that maybe you can gamble your way out of trouble. I say this because even though you know youre in debt, upset family and loved ones, you still go in there to be in the action even though youre not on the roulette machines. I too, made excuses about not self excluding etc but the simple fact is i wanted to leave those avenues open because i knew i wanted to go back in.

Please dont take this as a critisism, its just an observation and something i think a lot of us go through before we finally get to the point of surrender.

In my case, it went on for years and was only when i reached the point where i totally accepted i could never win, because i could never stop, win or lose, that it all became clearer. You are right, willpower was never enough for me. I could go for a few weeks/months with it alone but eventually i broke out.

For me, GA was my saviour. The effect for me was 20x what i find on here in terms of help, support and hearing the advice i needed 121.

I wish you well......as you say one day at a time. 20K will seem insignificant to you in 5 yrs time if you keep gambling, that number will be multiplied many times but more importantly you will lose everything and everyone you have ever cared about and no anount of money can replace that.

Best wishes

Keith

Fair point I know I have left certain avenues open. But my point is there will always be somewhere to gamble - another town etc if I dont have the right 'thought processes' in place.

Personally, as I said yesterday walking the other way avoiding the bookies with cash in my pocket proves I am making process and have the willpower to succeed.

I know it's early stages but did you actually read my last post? 'I am seeing sense after all these years....' I am not taking your comments as an insult but I know I am on the mend. As I said before I would say I wanted to give up and did not mean it. This time I really do.

The amounts gambled when relapsed are already much less than in the earlier stages I do not carry the means now. I truly hope and will try to prove you wrong! I seriously want to give up but do not have the GA option in my area so I am using willpower, this site and I know I can do this....

DAY 3 today.

I have relapsed on Tuesday. I never set out to gamble though I suspect it was a the back of my mind.

Had card again and started with the £20 I had before I knew it I withdrew the £190 left in my account wchi was meant for bills.

I am angry at myself as i had again felt confident I would not gamble but after work it just felt necessary as 'stress relief' and a chance of getting loads of £££s back.

Looking back I did not enjoy the experience on roulette machine at all. Someone came learing over who was on the same machine second I was gone. Their eyes 'drunk' with the look of greed and awating my demise.

Another chap when I was down to my last few quid started banging on the top of the machine 'mocking' my frantic pressing action and laughing. Should have told him where to go this addiction and what it has done/was doing to me is no joke.

I dont know think I might be worried about the 'withdrawal symptoms' of stopping gambling as I am so used to it. Now I have had my fix I will be able to stay off a while until I need it again.

I truly get no pleasure from the gambling experience. How can I with the damage it has done? Yet I feel I need the fix to stop getting down for a day or two or to think about gambling a while. Sick as it sounds I still find it a buzz of adrenaline if Im down although I will get down again and it all starts over again in a vicious cycle.

Anyway I just pray there is hope there as I cannot seem to beat this at the moment. I can only stop now as the money is gone. Will probably try and sell some things and get a bail out which I am ashamed about.

DAY 1 TODAY

Hope is all I am left with that things can get better

Awayout, i can only reiterate what i said a couple of days ago. If you are really serious about stopping gambling then you will take whatever measures you need to stop you.

Of course if you really want to find another betting shop you will but it might buy you that extra few minutes you need to change your mind or decide its not worth it. Every barrier helps a little if you want it to.

You have more than hope, you have a choice but you need to face up to it. You dont have to prove anything to anyone but yourself.

Best wishes

Keith

Well.................I,m reading about your slips as i knew i would.

I think your putting far too much pressure on yourself and the end result is constant battling in your mind.

You said in your last post "necessary stress relief and a chance to win some ££££s back,IT AINT GOING TO HAPPEN!!!!!!.

Heres what you NEED to do,

1) Stop gambling.

2) Put your debt issues to one side for now.

3) Dont be bitter and feeling sorry for yourself "FIGHT"

4) Forget about "DAY 1 AGAIN" and relapses

5) Take each day as it comes and remember there are up days and down days even for non gamblers.

and finally,

Believe me i KNOW how you feel and im trying to type something that A) makes you see logic,and B) is not misinterperated by you thinking i,m having a go (I,m not!!!!)

Regards,

"" A NEW LIFE ""

hi mate

i would have to agree with "a new life".bookies seem to be a serious problem for you.and relly deep down u want to gamble again.you are afraid to leave it behind.like me you would love a magic tablet that programmes our mind to never gamble ever again..not that easy is it!!wish it was.

i myself am beginning to have a seriously massive dislike to gambling.i feel i can leave it out of my life..will it be that simple..who knows???doubt it..but im goin to give it my best shot.really am....hope you do aswell.

dont realy like giving advice,so sorry if im rambling but i and many others want to see you get this cr** out of your life..wishing u al the very best.neil.

Seemed like a very long day today as I was on that downer as regards the day after a relapse.

You're right I have to look at this a different way taking each day at a time and not feeling sorry for myself as I know that does my self esteem no good.

Have been feeling really tired from the stresses I have recently caused myself and the lousy weather to boot.

I went on the GA website last night and listened to the spoken stories they had there and the written ones. Seeing so many posts with the same problems bought things home and to be honest what some of those people have been throught really made me want to weep.

Also I found words of comfort on another site anout not trying to think of myself as a gambler with positive thoughts and relapses as a bridge to recovery and the life I want rather than the barrier to recovery.

I will have to watch my moods as I see from recent events I use down moods/stressful days at work as an excude to gamble. There must be plenty of other things I can do like my enjoyment of music etc;

I like many am finding it hard to fill my time with thoughts and other activities when away from gambling. It all seems so boring if you do nothing and then idle thoughts come up.

I must admit I normally think about gambling most when I am not busy and think about things too much.... then let the gambling thoughts and urges take over.

Thanks for all your support... it has meant a lot....

Awayout

Well Im not boasting but done a few days gamble free now. Guess once the money is tight I do stay off again.

Also I think I am never going to trust myself having bank cards with internet access ever again. I also cannot carry my cash cards. Whether I have £20.00 or £2000 left in my account (usually of overdraft) I will probably end up risking it.

Also some bad news just been advised my already part time hours are going to be cut about 8% which really brings home the fact I cannot afford to gamble in my situation.

So trying to concentrate are finding a better (any) full time job. Guess I may have been placing my energies on the wrong areas ie; gambling thoughts and thinking my career is not worthwhile as all I spend my earnings on is the roulette wheel.

Gambling I may as well br gambling my future mental health and happiness.

If I stay off the weekend I know I will feel stronger again!!!

Also I am hating that gamblers thing where just because you sit next to someone in the bookies they think you are their best friend and then (like today) they walk into your workplace and start discussing tips etc.

I have had enough of this!!!! Gambling can effect your work life....

AWAYOUT

Because of the poor weather were having have stayed completely away from gambling and that feels good.

Only day 4 today but for me this is a weekend and I am sure I would be normally finding some way to gamble.

Did ponder buying a lottery ticket but don't even want to go out for that today. Rather be warmer at home.

Did try to get an extension on my overdraft and I don't know if I had gambling secretly in mind. Anyway despite all the other time the bankss have dished out cash and all their bail outs by us the tax payer they would not extend even by £50.00. Think they would rather see me go bankrupt you would think???

i know if the banks called any one of my overdrafts I would not be able to pay and further loans are not an option. I guess though they are out to get even more charges if I go into non-agreed overdraft limit mode. Well I am doing everything to avoid it!!!

Banks are so evil in my view at the moment lloking after their fat cat executives. Why did I ever take out those overdraft and loans? Now I genuinely need a breather cannot get the help.

Oh yes I remember all loans/overdrafts and the one credit card I had were all for one think gambling and more gambling and paying gambling debts as I am every month now. It will only get better if I stay off gambling....

To think at one time the banks were all falling over themselves to give us credit and now look at the mess we are in. I cannot even afford the charges to go bankrupt at the moment!!!!

Hello Awayout,

Glad your staying away a bit from the Roulette. The weather might stop yopu going out so easy but what happens when the long summer days come in? You should think of finding a new hobby or something. Do you play any golf? Dont let the roulette envelope your life and drain your life blood out. Roulette is like a leech on you and you need it cut off completely. I guess you probably already know this. Stay strong and make sure to pay your priority bills first. You can beat this you can be like rocky Balboa instead your not going ten rounds but your fighting for your life...... ding a ling ling round one................good luck

Pauly.

Yes Pauly I think you are right Roulette has been like a blood sucking leech that I have been feeding with my life blood as well as money.

Time to cut it off for ever. You are also right I am only in round one. Here comes Rocky!!

I have noticed I am using humour as my weapon. I notice being down and looking back is no good I just have to look forward to a gamble free life.

My parent the other day said asked how could I be light/humourous at the moment given the trouble I have caused myself in the last five years? Thr answer is that humour help when you are recovering I must not dwell on past events though they are a stepping stone to recovery. If I look back I will get down depressed and more likely to gamble. So I am really going to put ome work in this time!

Yes I do have some hobbies. I enjoy music and I am also trying to find ways of earning a bit extra money in my spare time to help in my recovery. If I do not use this money for gambling I will be doing well.

As to bills I have the money set aside now - with the thanks to my parent. But I do wonder how I would have survived on my own. I dread to think.... I feel I am a strain on my most loved ones but I mut dig deep and get myself out of this.

The fact I am checking in here more and posting/.reading and related sites amkes me think I am heading in the right direction.

I am being more open about things and owning up to my mistakes.

Hope you are also doing well Pauly must read your diary sometime!

AWAYOUT

hi mate

hope your keeping well.for me this site is about being open and honest.its like my own personel little dairy of my shameful past,yet share with people in a simalar position to myself,find it helps me.

keep up the positive thoughts,and couldnt agree more when you say humour helps.doesnt all have to be doom and gloom ,though it is hard to see any kind of humour after a big loss!!!

You are right Neil that it is hard to have a sense of humour after a relapse.

I am in that 'despair of myself' stage. Where, I have spent all the spare cash and need to stick the month out to get by.

I haven't been in thus situation for a while. Once more it has occurred due to January relapses. Why I could not give myself a better start to the year I do not know. This has been an 'wake up call'.

I have a long way to go to beat this addiction long term. Day 5 today which I should feel good about.

Have been there before when I have had no money so I must not be complacent.

Looking for those opportunities to try generate more income. Would help to take pressur off and occupy myself more...

Have a good day everyone reading this!

AWAYOUT

I am feeling great having not gambled the weekend!

Yes the bad weather has helped but before I know that would not have put me off making my way to the bank to cash a cheque and head for the bookies.

But yes it is early days rather than keep track of exact days my last bet was Tuesday 3 Feb 2009.

I am feeling more positive and able to cope with things in life in general.

Probably will post towards end of the day also!

AWAYOUT