Dear diary,
I have decided to start a new diary as so mcuh as happened since my last post on my previous one, some really bad and some really good but this is to remind me of all the positive things that life can bring without gambling. I have decided not to do a day count as I don't actually know when i last gambled, all i do know is that my bills are now paid, my debts are going down each month and i have a bit of a social life compared to a non-existant on. I want to remind myself of how each day I do not gamble it will be a postive outcome and i will continue to smile, rebuild my relationship with my mum and have more quality time with my daughter which we both need. I do know that i have reached two pay days with the third in one day where i have paid the bills, treated me and my daughter to small modest things, treats nevertheless which has been so nice after months or even years of not having money to do this.Through all of this i have managed to hold down a highly stressful and high positioned job which was one thing my mum was surpirsed at, how i managed to keep my job and not let it impact my work. Well the truth is it did impact my work but i also thrive on work and in some ways this was almost my rock and the one thing that stopped me losing my mind altogether to this awful illness.
I have just had my probation succesfully signed off, and for any one who has ever been in education managed to acheve my first ever grade 1 for a lesson observation last month which i could not be happier about. After 12 years despite all of the ups and downs i have finally managed toa chieve one thing i have always desired. And guess what? Its because i am much happier now and not spending my time gambling and worrying about how I am going to pay the bills or find petrol to get to work. Its the greatest feeling ever. I am a winner because i have not wasted my money, time, energy or mental state to this horrible addiction. I am not cured but i have found some form of recovery which seems to be working for me and i am am content with life at the moment. I have tried so many times and had many massive blips where i could refrain from gambling for a few weeks and then as soon as payday came i would be checking my account to see if it had gone in so i could get on to my favourite site as quickly as i could. Well no more, you are not getting any thing of mine as you ahve had far too much from me in the past and i want to be the one winning not you.
Payday in one day and i will be sitting there waiting for the moeny to go in but not so i can visit a dreaded site but so i can pay my rent and bills and then get on a holiday website to put a deposit down so i can take my daughter away for some very much needed relaxing and quality time and show her her old happy mum which probably seems like a distant memory.
I hope everyone is having a gamble free and positive day. Instead of spending my time gambling i sit up til silly hours reading post son here and have to be back up in just over 5 hours. Really need to learn to get a decent night sleep after so long of not getting one. Still at least im awake for a good reason.
Off to bed for now will try to come back and post one postive each day just to remind myslef what a mistake it would be going back.
Nite x
Hey there and welcome back!
Very happy to see you aknowledging the benefits of abstinence and you said it yourself - so much calmer and at peace. That's it, no sleepless nights,(unless you post too much lol) better focus at work (by the way well done on your probation sign off), determination and drive..all these are big part of making the right choice as you do so well each day.
Life is definitely unfolding in front of you and that's wonderful to see..recovery is possible, fruits it gifts are priceless Š²ĀŃ
Good to see you back, keep us updated and very well done on your new found life and energy!
One day at a time
Sandra x
Hi Sandra
Thanks for your reply and your support. It has been a while since I have been on here and before it got better it got worse and just found in someways it made it more difficult seeing what Id written. I don't want to forget what it feels like and certainly dont want to be complacent but I am in a much better place and have come one here more and more recently, reading diaries, especially when I find I am at a lose ne dor lying in bed when before i use to gamble. I have decided to use it in a more positive way and reord things that are going well for me to keep me motivated and on this recovery. Also to make me realise what I have to be grateful for and not dwell on things I do not have and won't ever have if i stay on the self destructing path.
Dear diary
Today has been a good day, been busy at work and achieved alot so thats going well. I went to my for dinner and it was almost normal and I sat there wondering how can my mum be so nice to me, and felt like she had almost forgiven me for the many mistakes I have made and we had a really nice dinner and laughed and talked like nothing had happened. It was only two or three months ago when she wouldn't talk to me at all for three months so for this I am grateful. Although a lot has gone on, I love my mum and am so happy she is talking to me as if I am normal again, I do not want to lose this and for her and my daughter, this s why I have to stay focused and not have any slips. I do not want to let her down again as I have only ever tried to make her proud. I have ot always done this with starting gambling and causing her lots of stress, anger and heart ache but I am going to try my hardest to make sure in a few years time she has something to be proud of me for. Only a few hours until I get paid, I am going ot transfer money for bills, pay the rent, some money I owe my mum and then the best bit look at putting the deposit on the hoiday for me and my daughter. Finally I have something to look forward to when the money hits my account and its not giving to these online sites. My daughter said to me today I seem so much happier now then two months ago and you know what, I am and want to stay like this.
Anyway going now to search holiday sites.
Bex
Dear diary
Well I haven't managed to come on here everyday as been busy with work and also I'll. Progress so far.
I am pleased to say that for a third month in a row when I got paid I logged straight in to my bank,transfered the money for bills which are all paid, paid the rent money, topped up a months worth of gas and electric, gave my daughter money to pay for her part of a week caravan holiday and as I promised myself and my daughter,got straight on the holiday website and paid half the amount as deposit for 10 days in Majorca. I couldn't have been happierand although that leaves me pretty much skint for the rest of the month we are both happy in the knowledge that we have a holiday to look forward to in about 8 weeks time rather then gambling it all away.
That means also the next two months pay packets are accounted for, august to pay other half of balance and September to put money aside for spending money. This is a huge incentive not to do anything silly as if I do that would equal to deposit lost, me feeling worse then ever and my daughter let down and disappointed which I am not going to do.it would be too heart breaking. Instead I need to focus on the ten days quality time I will have with my daughter and it will be extra special as it will be our first holiday just the two of us. Oh and I also need to get birthday presents as its her 17th in 5 weeks time. I turn 33 in 3 days time and I want to be able to look back at my life and know from the age of 33 life was good and that I didn't waste anymore of my life on this horrible addiction. I am finally returning to the old me, yay! 3 months is a short time but can make such a world of difference and long may it continue. I hope everyone is having a gamble free day and giving themselves a small pat on the back because believe it or not you deserve it. It takes dedication to fight the addiction and for each day you do you can live in the knowledge that today you are a winner.
And one last thing I tell myself " I cannot win because I cannot stop.
Nite all x
Hi diary
Just a quick one for today as found I've posted on others diaries then the need to on my own. Positive f the day, I have not gambled. Busy day at work, really bad back but I am in high sprits because do you know what, none of it is as bad as the pain I feel after losing all my wagesgambling so here's to another positive day gamble free.
Bex
You're doing fantastic Bex. First time I've read your diary but I think your posts are great. You are doing all the right things. And it's great that you sort payday out as soon as it lands so removes the temptation to has the cash elsewhere. Just don't get complacent or you'll remove all the good work you've done. I hope you breeze through to your holiday and then beyond! Really was inspirational to read your posts as you seem really positive, determined and rational.
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