Neveragain42

my story is very similar lost over 60k last 5 years and yes we never stop because the kick you get from winning is addictive.
no doubts you had plans on what to spend the 5k then 10k then 20k on then something in mind when you got to 25k like i always do.
you reach a target then when you do you just set another target and as you do you increase your stake then you start to lose as you lose you become angry and reckless.
if you started with 5k got to 20k and still had 10k you would be upset at losing 10k not happy about winning 5k. good luck with telling your wife and councilling.
when you tell your wife keep talking to her continually not just tell her then continue as normal keep updating her.

Hi Harry

I would like to follow your diary and progress as you speak inteligently and I want to see you succeed for many days, months and years. You've been here before so no advise needed from me, you can do this and in your own time if you feel you do need to confess or tell your closest you will.

All the best Harry!

Wilsy!

Day 6

Thanks for the replies.

The gambling after effects are in full swing, mind swirling with wierd thouhgts of what have i done and can i 'rectify' the damage a little. I know i can't and this is the gambling demon trying to lure me back but i have to remain strong. One day at a time and i can slowly build up some solid absitence from this horrible habit.

My latest episode of gambling is indictivate of how twisted my mind is when it comes to gambling, having started with a very low amount i within a short space of time managed to take this to over £20k even though i told myself when i reached 5k, 8k, 12k, 15k i would definatley stop as i knew subconsiouslly i could lose it all, but my gambling brain was telling me i was in control and i would never lose this amount of money, and ofcourse i lost it all within a few hours and over the next day another 7k on credit cards chasing it . The memory makes me sick - i need to remind myself of this.

I am determined to lookl to the future as looking back makes me depressed and feel so low - the feelings i had these last few days since my last bet i NEVER want to feel again -

Reminder of damage caused by gambling

Huge debt - last time resulting in secured loan of £68k mortgage still high. If i had managed to quit when i first started these diaries i would be totally mortgage free and with a healthy savings, now faced with high mortgage and extra debt, i can choose to gamble and make things worse or not gamble ever again and improve things and future for my family.

I need to stay focused and positive.

I have a decent job that will mean if i can achieve a goal of 12 months gamble free i should make some serious dents into the loans and credit cards and if i can continue this for 3 years (36 months ) not very long is it i should be able to serioulsy reduce my debts and mortgage to something not too much to worry about, this needs to be my motivation to stop gambling not to say to do it for my family and kids they deserve better than what i am doing to them.

My first challenge is to own up to my wife and go through the pain and grief that this will cause but i know i must tell her if i am to have any hope of stopping as i cna not do it on my own it is impossible for me to beat this just through willpower. I need to just be positive and think that in 12 months we will be in a better position and telling her was the best thing or i can easiley continue to lie and cause more devastation.

Harry

day 7

It is one week ago that i had my last bet, my last episode of carnage, devesatating damage without thinking clearly. The fog is slowly but surely lifing and i am no longer waking up with a cold sweat thinking of what i have done, that money was never real it was just tokens that i would feed back to xxxbrokes with interest.

Going to a GA meeting today after a long time, a bit apprehensive as will see the same faces who many of them have a long period of absitence behind them and may think this guy still hasn't got it as he keeps s******g up, however i appreciate thier words of wisdom and they have been there and done it and many of them are on long term recoveries, one in particular over 15 years and still goes to meetings ..so just shows that this is always with us and need to be on our gaurd ALWAYS

My most pressing thing is to tell my wife which i am very much dreading but know has to be done, trying to find a day when the kids are not there so they can be shielded from the enivtable grief and shock this will cause.

Harry

Hi Harry

Thanks for stopping by my diary. Well done on getting through your first week after a brutal binge. I hope you managed to have the convo with your wife and it went okay.

Wishing you well in your recovery.

Matt

Day 14

It happened yesterday.

My wife found out for the upteenth time in our relationship.

I received that dreaded call at work ' are you gambling ?' ... i was thinking for a split second what to say and then i admitted it yes... the phone went silent and all i could hear was sobs and crying. My kids were at home during this and thought something happend to thier mum and kept calling me..i didn't know what to do. Once again i have caused so much pain and grief to my family and have forced them to endure my selfish behaviour.

My wife is devasted and not able to really look at me, she gave me her feelings yesterday and said she can not go through this again how could i do this ? I can't beileve i have put myseldf in this position yet again and hurt her so much. I need to bottle up this feeling so i never ever foget it !

I am too embarrased to face my kids as my eldest is 16 now and did not want to talk to me yesterday what a pathetic father i am..this is the worst thing for me

I beg anyone in a similar situation to me please tell your wife/partner before they find out as it will most definalty be worse if they find out rather then you being honest with them, honesty is what they crave and what we deny them.

Harry

Hi Harry I'm wife of cg and I just went back to 2009 and read your first diary. I can't help you, you have to help yourself. I've lived with 20 years on and off lying, gambling. I've heard all the excuses, reasons or no reason. This last time my cg confessed and I made him sit down and tell our children 15 and 17. I have handled finances for 15 years. All household bills etc paid. He secretly gambled loans. I knew nothing of credit reports. You will stop when you want to and not before. BUT if you hand over finance and get credit reports and give total control to your wife, you might get rid of access to money. I'm sure you've heard this many times before. Your wife is undoubtedly devastated. I would suggest you get her some support. I went to gamanon 15 years ago and learnt how to cope. I learnt that I couldn't stop my cg but I could hold the money. If she is willing I think you should both go to GA and gamanon. This may be a step too far. Reality is if she doesn't learn about how to look after herself and her finances this will continue. You need to surrender, surrender to addiction, surrender the money.

Hi

Many thanks for your feedback and i totally understand and agree with what you are saying.

I attended a lunch time GA meeting today and feel so much better to get things out of my chest and share my feelings..i really need to help my wife to cope as she is not coping very well.

I am devasted by this latest episode when i had promised numerous times in the past that i would stop and thought i absolutly meant it each time. I am again in the same position. This time i am going to leave no hole open for me to exploit when the voices start coming back which i am sure they will do at some point. I feel so sorry for my wife and kids, for what i have become and am absolutly committed to change as a person as i realise that only stopping from gambling is not enough, i need to change and become a better human being and the person that my wife thought she was marrying, i just hope i am given the chance. I will go home and tell my wife that i have been looking into counselling fro her and both of us and the Gamcare helpline for her to talk with someone. I will give her access to credit reports and with the help of god be honest everyday, one day at a time.

This is my ambition and motivation for the rest of my life.

Harry

Not sure what day it is as my mind is not thinking straight.

My wife who has found out about my latest relapse has been sending me some horrible texts and i am finding it extremely difficult to deal with, she has called me non stop and all i can hear is swearing and questions that i have no answer to - i ended up putting the phone down and she texted to say she has put up with me all her life and i can't put up with a few of her reactions to my actions... i know what she is saying but this is all caused by my compulise addicttion.. she is unable to see that.. i dont know what to do as this is runining us

Hi Harry would she call gamcare?

Hi Merry,

i did take the number with me last night, but she didn't want to know, she said whats the point the same thing is gonna happen again in a couple of months.... i really feel bad about what she is going through and don't know what i would do if the shoe was on the other foot, but i so desperatley want her to ubnderstand how this addicction works ..i know i can't expect her to deal with it as if nothing happened but i'm not sure i should be subject to very abusive language for a few days running ...... ?

Hi Harry

Desperately sorry to hear about the gambling and the impact it is having on your relationship. I feel for you both.

I know it does not help today but the very fact your wife is so upset may be a slight positive here as showing this emotion may show that she has not totally given up on you? An emotionless request for you to just leave may have been worse?

I can only suggest you suck it up for as long as she needs to let it out. Once she is able to communicate properly you can start working out how you are going to put the measures in place to stop you ever gambling again. From your history, it sounds like the blocks are going to have to be pretty watertight but this has to be worth to prevent this happening again?

Good luck, don't forget you are not on your own and keep posting.

Muststop123

I can only speak from my experience. I went to gamanon, I wanted to see a way forward. I understand (to some extent) addiction. I learnt all I could. I also learnt I couldn't stop my cg from gambling. There has to be a point where you realise you can't do this anymore. Your wife is at breaking point. She wants you to stop and she can't do anything. You've promised her something that is impossible. But ultimately you made that choice. What do you want her to do? I agree verbal abuse is not acceptable but you've pushed her to it. Your behaviour is not ok. You can't just blame everything on your addiction. You can stop you just choose not to. You have to be honest about that. Regardless of whether you continue or stop, your wife needs help dealing with her anger. I can assure you she's not alone. It's not about her understanding you and your addiction, it's about her dealing with everyday life. I would say my cgs gambling has almost affected me more than him. I don't know how you can persuade her to seek advice or even if you should. The point is you have to accept what you have done. Take responsibility and do what ever it takes to put it right.

You've lied to her and deceived her. She feels like a mug and that's all she understands right now. In all honesty it's not in her interests to be too understanding in any case. She needs reassurance in the shape of full financial control and every block going that you mean what you say. You can find understanding at counselling sessions and at GA where they get it in a way non gamblers never can.