Neveragain42

Day 19

Thanks for the responses guys, I intend to pass by your diaries soon.

It has been a very difficult few days, but what did i expect ? My horrible habit has always led to this type of scenario and always ended with lots of tears and grief for all involved. My poor wife is suffering the consequences of my addicttion and i need to try and support her as much as i can which is what i intend to do, however in all honesty my selfish character and only thinking of my self brain makes it tough for me to understand this.

I am EXTREMELY dissapointed with the type of human being i have turned into and am feeling lots of self loathing and disgust, which is not good, i do truly belive that i was not suppossed to be this type of person but my addicttions have led me to become like this, i do intend to try my best to change and rediscover the person i should have been and the person my wife thought she was marrying, she always asks me why did i decive her and not tell her that i was a gambling addict and i can not answer that - its so tough.

I did start praying to my god as i do believe in god and intend to ask my god to help me to battle this and reallign my self to a 'normal person' and forgive all my sins. I know that this won't happen over night but i do intend to take it a day at a time. I am doing lots of research into this and I totally get it that i need to rewire my brain and way of thinking if i am to have any hope of changing as just through willpower i can not and have not ever been able to stop.

If anyone knows of any good free gambling blocking software for android phone, please do let me know, i tried the k9 but can't seem to get it to work.

Harry

Hi Harry the nature of addiction is to lie and keep it secret. Also you don't want to see the problem. If you can't download a blocking software call your provider and ask them to block gambling sites.

Hey 100% honesty otherwise nothing changes.

Hello Diary,

Day 21

Just had a thought of the first day i posted here three weeks ago and all that has happened since then. Me thinking i could fight this addiction on my own, my wife finding out once again, all the pain and grief caused the tears dissapointment and self loathing feelings.... the reason why i am writing this is i need to remind myself of w*f this terrible habit has caused me in my life, because out of nowehre i had an urge yesterday which as much as i tried i could not bat away until this morning. The usual thoughts of one last bet to pay off some debt and that would be it..am i STUPID or what this is what has always led to my downfall, i need to keep reminding myself GAMBLING IS A LIE and i choose not to gamble anymore, but i honeslty am scared of the challlenge ahead of me as my past shows how i have never been able to kick this habit, but with the help of faith and a progressive personality change i am hopeful i can do it one day at a time as many have been able to do on this site who i have great admiration for and wish one day to be able to post on year 365 days gamble free 500 days 1000 days, who knows but i will be hopeful and try my best to retrain re configure my brain to a different way of thinking as i beilive that is crucial for me to change as a person from this person with a lot of defects to a more balanced person with a better moral compass guiding me.

Reminder of goals

12 months gamble free = pay of credit cards, build trust in relationship, peace of mind and better person

24 months gamble free = savings, nice holidays for family, new car (material things) spirtually better person more kinder and generous human being, not compulsive, wife and i back to a trusting and loving relationship

36 months gamble free = reduce mortgage, consider a nicer property, aim for financial security - keep working on improving myself as a human being

Wishing everyone well in thier battle with this habit.

Harry

Day 22,

Trying to keep my head down and work hard to distract myself from all the things currently going on in my life and the fall out from my latest binge of gambling... this is not easy but anything worth while is worth the struggle and i need to feel this pain to be fixed, no pain no gain so onwards and upwards.

I need to remind myself each day why i am here and where i want to get to.. i need to make an improvement to myself each and every day as this is a life long task... it is strange when you stop gambling you have normal feelings again normal emotions even though these maybe painful there are some good feelings too, like today for a few seconds i felt like how i felt many years ago before the gambling bug took over my life and i felt happy, happy of myself and it was a nice feeling..this is want i want for my future ..normal feelings..one day at a time

well done Harry on 22 days, know how hard it is to focus and keep distracted when all we want is to be rid of these chains and debt free. Keep making the right choices, you are doing really well

Wilsy

Day 23

Another day gamble free, another day to reflect on my self and my character defects. I went to 2 GA meetings and what a strong powerful experience it was, i would never have attended 2 meetings previously in a row as i would much rather go home and see the kids and pretend all was ok and play a happy family although inside i would be hiding this illness and giving it more power and control over me. The meetings were a real eye opener and so much inspiration from the members who have buit up years of absitence and recovery if they can do it so can I. My wife used to ask me why do i need to go to more than 1 meeting a week, it is so hard to explain why but i know it is needed as well as my fait and spiritual belief , i absoultly need this to have a chance of improving myself.

One things which i have realised is I know that just stopping the act of gambling is not enough, i need to maek some changes to myself which will help me to not relapse, and no matter how long a person is gamble free we are all one bet away from destruction, so i will try not to focus too much on the days counter, although i cant wait for it to say 300, 600, 1000 ..one day at a time.

Good Luck All

Found this on the favourite posts section and am copying to my diary to remind myself as i will I am sure be facing all sort of urges.

Although during the initial days or weeks of abstinence or moderation, especially after a long period of daily addictive behavior, you may experience many urges of strong and even increasing intensity. Recovering addicts of all types report that urges eventually peak in frequency, intensity, and duration, and then gradually, with occasional flare-ups, fade away. How long it will take for urges to peak, and how rapidly they will subside, depends on many factors, including the specific addiction, the length of the addiction, how successful the program of abstinence or moderation has been, and the strength of the developing alternative lifestyle. However, as a very broad guideline, within six months to one year most addicts will report only feeble urges (for instance, one a week, lasting a few minutes, a 1 or 2 on a 10 point scale).

It is also crucial not to take responsibility for the occurrence of the urge, but only your response to it. It is normal for any addict to experience urges, and just because on Sunday you decide to stop does not mean that on Monday you will not have urges. The fact that urges occur does not indicate that your motivation is weak, but that your addiction is strong. Because all habits have unconscious components, of which the urge is one, it will take time for these to die away. What is within your control, however, is how you respond to the urge. An analogy could be made to someone knocking at your front door. All sorts of individuals might knock at your door, but it is up to you to decide with whom you will talk. Their knocking is not your responsibility, but to what extent you choose to speak with them is.

Specific techniques for coping with urges include the following.

When an urge occurs, accept it, but keep it at a distance. Experience it as you would a passing thought, one which "comes in one ear and out the other". Detach yourself from it, and observe and study it as an outside object for a moment. Then return your attention to what you were previously doing. If the urge is intense, remember (and perhaps picture) your benefits of stopping/cutting back (which can be carried in your wallet or purse). Recall a "moment of clarity", a moment when changing your addictive behavior seemed almost without question the right course of action. Think your addictive behavior through to the end:

When an urge is present, you tend to think only of the Benefits of the Addiction, but completing the image to include the negative consequences that follow will give you a more accurate view of the whole scenario. If the urge is very intense, engage yourself in a distracting activity, one which you have enjoyed before and which will take your mind off the urge, or use a specific distraction technique, such as counting things (e.g., leaves on a plant, books on a shelf), doing arithmetic (e.g., continually subtracting 7 from 1000, 993, 986, etc.), or focusing on alphabetical/verbal games (e.g., saying the alphabet backwards, reading signs backwards, searching book titles or license plates for the alphabet, etc.). Any simple activity conducted at high speed can fill up your attention, thereby allowing no attention for the urge. Any thought or activity on which you completely focus your attention is all that is needed, because if no attention is paid to the urge, then it will no longer exist. Although another urge may come along at any point, that urge also can be dealt with in a similar fashion. Over time the urges come less frequently, as already stated.

To summarize these urge coping techniques, all urges should be accepted. Low level urges can be observed but kept at a distance. Attention can then be re-directed to whatever one was paying attention to prior to the urge. More intense urges can be "counterargued" by reviewing in some fashion the benefits of not engaging in the addictive behavior, and the facts about urges mentioned above (e.g., all urges go away eventually; they are uncomfortable but not unbearable unless I blow them out of proportion;). Very intense urges can be dealt with using some form of distraction, repeated as necessary. All urges eventually go away.

day 26

This weekend was very strange, i woke up on Saturday in a bery bad mood and was blaming everyone and everything for my problems, not taking any responsibilty for anything and generally being a horrible person. i thought the world was against be and they can all go to hell.

However in the afternoon my wife came to me and asked me if i had installed blocking software and arranged counselling , neither of whcih i had done, but did intend to do but usual self just delaying everyhting not sure what for ?.. anyway my wife said she wanted us to go back to how it was before and all of this agro and bad atmosphere was having a negative impact on the kids, i said i totally agree and will try my best to fix things with her help, i gave her a letter i wrote as often i am unable to say the things on my mind ot it comes out wrong. Anyway that was a positive thing to build on.

Onwards and upwards... always going forwards never backwards

Nice one Harry and Day 26 today so be proud of yourself

Wilsy

Day 27,

Got some strange urges last night and again today, what the hell is this about, need to read back my diary and get to a meeting today urgently !

Yeah urges just pop up out of nowhere mate, well done for not giving into them and try get yourself to a meeting or go on the online chats. Keep yourself busy and safe.

Wilsy

Day 29

Almost a month, and am quite pleased with myself. Just had a look back at the first diary I started on here back in 2009 almost 10 years ago..how i wish if only i had managed to kick the habit then how vastly different my life would be...no mortgage most likley and choosing how i work..but i guess you only stop when you are really ready and this time i feel really ready.

Life at home is slowly getting better, not great but getting better my missus is still giving me her thoughts and comments and i am taking this each time as i know i have to and it is nothing compared to what i have given her all these years. Slowly but surely things will improve ..i choose to be poisitve and today i choose to not gamble, gambling is a big LIE folks do not believe it.

One day at a time.

Harry

Good post Harry and well done on doing a month, you are doing great!

Wilsy

copied from another section - a reminder to myself

If you always think how you have always thought
Then you will always feel how you always felt
If you always feel how you always felt
Then you will always do what you have always done
If you always do what you have always done
Then you will always get what you have always got
If you always get what you always got
Then you will always think how you always thought

NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES