Neveragain42

Hello Diary,

Day 33, i think.

I would have to say that overall this weekend has been good. Started off very badly on saturday with me being in very foul mood and taking it out on anyone and everyone, i was being very mean and selfish and losing my rag over everything, it was all due to some weired and bizarre thoughts that were going through in my head that i was unable to deal with. Rather than shouting and arguing and causing more bad atmosphere in the house my wife dragged me outside to a coffee shop to chat. We had a very good chat and i was very honest with her about everything and she expressed to me how difficult it was to deal with me the way i am and have been and all the hurt over the years, i said i want to change all of that and become a better man but will need her help as i can't do it on my own, we agreed to give it a try whcih is more than i could have wished for 4 or 5 weeks ago..

Not having any gambling urges at the moment but i know they will come, but am ready do not have access to any cards, got gamblock on my phone and banned from all the bookies i know off so don't know who i can bet even if i wanted to , but the more important thing for me is to change as a person, and i have got to want it, no more selfish, lying, compulsive person , always seek to improve my self.

One day at a time.

Harry

To have a wife who understands that to take you aside and out for a chat instead of an alternative like having a shouting match is a person deserving of much appreciation.
Keep up the good work.

Day 35

Life is up and dowm at the moment, still having some difficult and tricky situations with the wife as finance issues seem to keep cropping up, i guess this will always be the case as this is caused by the outfall of my lifelong gambling. I have got to accept this and listen and react each time this is bought up. Recovery will not be easy and i have to go through the pain if I want a better future, i have always chosen the easy path and wanted and expected things easy with no pain but now i will accept that nothing is easy and you need to deserve any good that you want in your life.

Positives: my kids still love me and always will if i no longer deprive them of what they deserve

- Debt has gone down even if it is a mininscule amount this last month, if i didn't stop then 100% this would have increased another big amount

Reminder : Gambling is a lie - i can not win because i can not stop.

Attended a GA meeting last night, full of great people all suffering this horrible addiction.. so many similar stories, i think that we should all be grateful that we are here and trying to succeed in recovery whilst many are still suffering or did not make it.

Received a 30 day keyring yesterday, pleased with that and looking forward to a 60/90/ 6 month and 1 year keyring in the future

one day at a time

Harry

Another day gamble free,

Am getting a little bit with my diary so have made an effort to get on and write down how things are going for me. The weekend was good, my wife and i had a very good chat in the coffee shop and it seemed like after a very long time that we understand each other, she is a wonderful person who has not deserved all the c**P i have chucked at her over the years, determined to make up for it and prove i can be a better person.

Having no real strong thoughts of gambling, however the demon still lurks and i had strange memories of the last session of when i was up by quite a large amount and why i didn't cash out, but as we all know this will never happen, and even if i did i would have lost it sooner or later,

I have made progress these last few weeks and need to remind myself of where i want to be in the future and how good it could be with out gambling to screw things up.

Onwards and upwards never looking back.

Harry

You are making progress and doing really well so keep going my friend, change your life and your wife's life for the better.

Nice one.

Wilsy

I ike this diary it has some good tips and you are really trying keep it up

Hi Harry

Thanks for taking time out to post on my diary the other day. I agree with what you said, there are similarities between our stories. Well done on being more than one month gamble free. You are doing really well so stick at it and keep taking it ODAAT and remember we can't win because we can't stop. I will keep checking in on your progress. Speak soon

46 and Out

Day 47

Thanks Christer and 46 and out.

This weekend was a mixed ball, the wife and i and the kids had a nice saturday, had a nice lunch together, took my son to the park for a kick around, felt great to do the simple things without constantly thinking of a bet, or what time the race is off or checking a result secretly, felt good to just be normal and in the moment with my son, this is what its about being normal and not trapped in a gambling daze.

Sunday was a difficult day with the missus, we ended up arguing pretty much all day, over something small which quickly turned to money issues , i was not helping the issue by trying to argue back, but in hindsight i should have just let her have her rant and moan, i just want things to be not negative all the time, but honestly am expecting too much too soon.

Cant wait to get to sixty days and another key ring from GA, really want to collect these to remind me of my progress.

Cheers

Harry

47 days gf is brilliant mate, and let the Mrs be right and have her rants, you'll have an easier time of things if you don't argue back ha ha, women are always right remember! 😉

Wilsy

Day 61,

Looking back i think I have made some good progress, it does feel like a long time ago now that the shixt hit the fan, but i am constantly reminded of the damage i have done through out my life and all that i have been deprived off because of this horrible addiction, this is the hardest part to get to terms with.

However, things are slowly but surely improving on the home front, had a lovely time yesterday with the family - got the wife some flowers and chocolates for mothers day and breakfast in bed, something i have not done in many years and would definatly mot have done if i was still gambling, spent all of £15, which would have been uminaginable during the gambling fog, but could easiley spend thousands on a spin of a wheel, the though upsets me and makes me angry.

Have to continue to take things a day at a time, good luck to all out there fighting the battle !!

Harry

9 weeks

I am nine weeks off gambling, things are definatly a lot better than they were 9 weeks ago. Money is still tight but at least things are getting paid and i am not borrwing any little available on credit cards just to survive, hopefully those horrible days of making the minimum payments and then withdrawing whatever was availbale are in the past, i do not want to go through that again.

My realationship with my wife and kids is so much better than when i was typing on here 9 weeks ago, just shows that things do get better the longer you are off gambling, my wife from not being able to even look at me or talk to me without swearing at me is now at least talking to me in a civilised way, she even mentioned that she has noticed i am trying to make an effort more than i ever have in the past and that really made my day, but there is a long way to go before i can really hope to repair our marriage, my wife wants us to have counselling to get through all of the in built grief and dissapointment.

For those that are struggling in the early days of quitting gambling, it seems like things will never get better and each day is a massive struggle to get through but stick in there, things do get better gradually just take it one day at a time, this is what i did in the begininng just took it one day at a time and the days do slowly go by which turn into months and hopefully years.

Need to keep working on my recovery as i do need ot change as a person if i am to fully recover from this baffeling addiction as just not having a bet is not recovery but just delaying your next bet according to me.

Going to an open GA meeting this evening and looking forward to it.

Good luck all fight back against the basxxxds bookies especially this week when they want to lure us back!!

Harry.

Well done Harry,

Sounds like you have thrown yourself into recovery and are seeing big improvements all round as a results. Great to hear, keep at it.

Have a good weekend =)

day 69

im doing ok, good to get the last week out of the way, need to work on my recovery .

Thanks Harry. Its good we support each other with comments as gives you a feeling that your not on your own and have support from people who truly appreciate what we are going through.

Keep up the good work and reamin focussed. You have a 3 year plan which is great and gives you something to aim for. You should try breaking it down to smaller chunks and set yourself say a 12 week plan. I found this made me focus more on my recovery and kept everything fresh in my mind.

I would recommend you having a look at the online counselling on gamcare as this is a very structured approach and enciurages you to write down your situation and feelings before each meeting.

Keep up the good work and will follow your blog.

Hello Diary,

90 days

Been a while since i have posted anything, been busy with work and family life over Easter. Today is 90 days since my last bet - feels like longer to be honest but i am feeling proud of reaching this far and aim to try and make it many more days. My life is slowly getting better and things are improving at home. i need to keep up my improvement and character changes to ensure i do not ever go back to that miserable life of gambling.

Good Luck everyone.

Harry