New diary

Hey Stephen, just been having the laugh with ODATT and then I saw your name appear.

Welcome back, and happy birthday for yesterday.

You can change, it is possible, let it all out and let it all go, and that is a good start on your continuing recover journey,

It's funny but once we do let out and let go, that chip on our shoulder that we do carry, slowly disappears and our small steps get lighter and lighter.

Just a thought, friend, and I am pleased you have not given up on giving up.

Suzanne xxx

Hey Suzanne I hope everything is going well . I agree it's time to let go. I know what I need to do to get better.

I need to stop gambling . All the other issues I have will be better dealt with when I stop

Yes Stephen 🙂 once we do stop gambling stuff does fall into place, but you have been on this journey for a while now, so it will be easier this time, it's easy to say to ourselves what we have learnt and what we want to do, it's the actual continous of doing it that is hard lol, (hence one of the reasons I am still here lol) having to say yes to recovery every day, can become very tedious, but I know if I don't make this choice every day, if I let my recovery slip, I will fall,

I am still very much one day at a time, that chip on my shoulder is getting sorted, (it's slowly melting away lol) but I am not letting my past, ruin my now, or future anymore, and nor should you.

even if you only put one piece of the puzzle together in a month, you have done that one, it will stay stuck, and safe, and then you move on to the next piece of the jigsaw,

You keep coming back I know you will fit those pieces together safely, one at a time.

Suzanne xxx

Day 4. Felt really down today going to work. Really struggled to sleep last night.

im grateful I have a job. Gives me a reason to get out of bed.

I'm setting myself a target of getting in three cardio sessions a week in before work. I think that will affect my mood and help lose some weight. That starts tomorrow so I'm looking forward to starting a new routine and picking up new habits

A quote I saw tonight that I really liked and I think a lot of people will get something from it.

"I can choose to let it define me, confine me, refine me, outshine me, or I can choose to move on and live it behind me"

I like that quote mate. Its really excellent. Love your idea about getting fit aswell. Thats agreat way to keep your mind active and take your mind of gambling. You can do this mate. It really is possible. After years of gambling I can now walk past a bookies, go into a bookies and the thought of betting physically repluses me. Its taken a while and lots of hard work but it really is acheivable. Go for it. Dont worry about whats gone before, That cant be changed. But you can shape your future by REALLY WANTING to give up. Here for you buddy

Appreciate that Dan, needed that lift to be honest

I really terrible day .

Snapped at the new team leader in work this morning. I was brought into a meeting later that day. I got in trouble over it. The head manager gave out to me over mistakes I made over the past year. I'm off next week but the following week I have a formal meeting. I was really respectful in the meeting , apologised directly to my team leader and tried to explain some of the errors. But they hate me and talked to me like dirt and they're gonna make an example out of me .

I went to the toilet after the meeting and cried. Not about the meeting but over everything. I can't get going in life. Everyday is a knock . Went through a lot of emotions over the course of 90 mins till home time . Anger, despair, sadness, vengeance , bitterness

Ultimately I want to be dead . I wrote my first post on my first diary saying that and nothing has changed.

And United are starting the season on Saturday I had contacted an old friend a while ago about going out for it . Messaged him today and he clearly had no interest.

Won't sleep tonight . Never sleep well. I'm haunted by the decisions I have made in life

Stephen

Fella it is profoundly true that nothing changes if nothing changes.

You are an addict, you need help, there's a wealth of it out there, my advice has not changed since my first post on your first thread.

Please take the help that is on offer.

Put the shoe on the other foot fella

Have you been a model employee,have you given time to friendships,have you taken the opportunities that stand in front of you?

For twenty years I walked in those shoes, for twenty years I saw myself the 'victim'

With honesty I left a great deal of victims, I was anything but a model employee and I took from friendship and gave nothing in return

All to feed addiction.

There is another way

That way takes commitment, effort and some deep soul searching, that takes courage fella.

One thing is for sure you won't find it on a motorway bridge or hanging from a rope

That is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Again please seek both professional help and support from your peers.

Regards Duncan

Hi Stephen. Your previous quote sums things up for you. You have let gambling define how you are for so long. It has taken cintrol of your life, but remember, you are better than the gambling beast and whilst it will seem very daunting, if you wish to move on then you must recognise it and what it has done. You can then start to move on, continuing to recognise that it is still there and waiting to confine you again. If you do this then you can become the person YOU want to be. You cannot change the past but you can accept that it has happened. YOU then have the opportunity to choose everything you do moving forward. I am only a short time into my recovery and still ensure I have barriers in place but I choose to set them. I choose how I spend my time and I choose to be how I am every day. My starting position every day is that I choose for it to be a great and gamble free day. If things go as I expect then that is great, but when they dont, I always make sure that I remind myself that how I react is MY choice. Good luck Stephen, you have every chance of recovery, it all depends on what you choose to do next?

Day 1 again. Sold something . Just to have some cash . Gambled that.

I rang that Dunlewey place on Thursday to arrange some counselling . For the second time they haven't got back to me .

It's been a very quick year. I was doing really well by the end of last year I didn't see this coming .

Most of all I want to die. I can't kill myself , if I could I would . So I'm just venting I guess.

Hello Stephen

Day 1 again I know the feeling, keep strong and don't give up your fight to conquer this terrible addiction.

Best Wishes

Hi Stephen hope you're ok, perhaps a chat with Samaritans might help. I've had help with them before they always listen and don't judge. Don't feel alone, all of us are here to get each other through these hard times. Take Care and stay strong