New Diary. New Start.

DAY 3

As I mentioned yesterday evening I would have gambled if I could have done, but the barriers I put in place worked.

On to a new day. After yesterday's mistake at work, today is going to be tough. I want to run away and hide but I can't so have no choice other than to rise to the challenge and do my best.

Hope everyone has a peaceful, gamble-free day.

I have to get back on my diary and recover from my ongoing problem with gambling. It's been a week since I last posted which speaks volumes.

I've been gambling heavily again and by some miracle won enough on Saturday night to pay off all debts. Now considering that I've been in debt for over 10 years this is something of a monumental break though.

It wasn't enough though, and no sooner had the money reached my bank account I was gambling again. I deposited 200 to start with and got up to just under 600. I then lost and lost and lost until I'd deposited well over 1000. Amazingly, I then won it all back again plus a bit more and I took the money and expect it to reach my account tomorrow. I'm sorry if this sort of information is not what other members need to be reading, but it's what happened and I need to share this to be able to make sense of where I've been and the direction I'm heading.

Tonight I have spent a good couple of hours reading up on gambling addiction, depression, escapism, self-destruction and I've read enough to scare myself into taking action.

My recent gambling activity is spiraling and I'm reaching new lows with the sums of money involved.

I am emotionally unstable and I need to accept this. It is not easy to stop gambling when your head is f****d but it's a nasty cycle to be caught up in. Depression breeds gambling, gambling breeds depression. It's time to do something about it and build on the fact that my debt has gone. In many ways having money again will make it all the more challenging but if I don't stop, I'm going to be looking at losing my job, my house, girlfriend, family, friends. If this were to happen I wouldn't be able to deal with it and I'd probably top myself. This is the path I'm going down unless I stop gambling.

Despite being tired today from a restless night caused last night's rollercoaster of gambling activity it was a good day at work. I put a shift in and was rewarded for my efforts. I think recent gambling has been caused by stress/change/insecurity at work and maybe, just maybe things are looking up on that front.

This is turning into something of a ramble now, so I'll stop there for tonight.

It's time to leave the gambling behind.

Day 1 is complete.

Best wishes to all.

Day 2

The money went into my account today and I immediately paid off my credit card. The temptation was/is there to gamble again but I am holding firm.

I've just opened a new bank account which will become my savings account. Money that previously went on debt I'm now going to save. This is going to be a first for me and I'm not sure how I'l cope with having access to this money.

I have a very warped relationship with money. I'm actually quite tight. I will shop around to save a few pennies but think nothing of 100+ spins on a roulette wheel. I feel really guilty whenever I buy myself anything, and feel like the world is against me if anything ever goes wrong with my car or if there's a household emergency. This will hopefully change in time.

I am yet to self-exclude from the casinos I gambled with recently. I will do this soon. Self-exclusion alone will not stop me from gambling. I will always find a way.

Need to be strong and kick on from here.

Day 4

Yesterday evening was difficult and I wanted to gamble. A combination blocks prevented me from doing so.

I need to give everything to stopping gambling and believe that by getting off the merry-go-round other aspects of life will improve. I'm catching up with some friends later today for a drink and although it sounds awful I'd rather just stay at home dossing around. That sort of maudlin behaviour isn't good for me - but neither is drinking solidly for 12 hours - so need to try and find a balance!

Just want a peaceful day with no stress.

Day 6

I managed to get through the weekend without gambling, so that's a positive. I'm still absolutely frazzled from the ups and downs of the last few weeks. I'm trying to take it easy, make small steps but it's very difficult.

I would like to get back to running 20 miles a week as this was a huge help against depression. At the moment though I'm stuck in a rut. I will try and do 3 miles after work.

I will not gamble today as it makes me severely unhappy.

How are you doing paull?

Have you recently deleted one of your threads as I think I commented on it,?

Did you solve this money problem with the gambling site?

Happy thoughts mate hope you're well

Mba

Thank you for commenting on my diary. I've just read through yours. I hope you are still gamble-free. I feel the same as you - gambling just makes me severely unhappy. Even when I win I hate myself - I feel dirty and anti-social as I withdraw from society in order to wallow in my sick, selfish, secret addiction. Good luck for Christmas and the year ahead.