new me

Was watching the England game last night and was fighting hard to ignore the *********** advert on the pitch-side advertising system. They don't make it easy for us, do they? It is bad enough having to walk past so many gambling places every day. Then you watch a football match to distract your thoughts and it is there again flashing on and off every few minutes! Not going to dwell on that though as that was yesterday and today is another day! Bring it on! I'm ready!

hi Sandy,

It can be frustrating when its thrown in your face all the time but remember these establishements have no morals and actually we have a choice to stay away from them. It becomes easier as time passes and eventually you wont even notice them, Give it some time, keep concentrating on whats important.

Your doing great, keep going.

Blondie ~:)

Thank you Blondie. Can't imagine the day when I'll hardly notice them. But I'm working hard to get there.

Another successful fight against the urge yesterday.Twice! Admittedly the urges were not strong and so I easy quelled them, but I am scared that one day soon I might have a very strong urge and I don't know if I will be strong enough to beat it. Anyway, no point fearing something that has not happened (and hopefully won't happen). I keep reminding myself not to get too tired or stressed because that's when it will sneak up on me. Keeping the thought in my mind 90% of the time that I feel so much better now. If I crumble I will lose that good feeling and I really don't want to get into the 'oops I failed but I'm back trying again today'. I don't want to fail once. It will destroy me if I do. I will have to come on here and admit I failed and my pride just won't allow that. I am succeeding a day at a time. But I will succeed. Please God!

I failed! I had an awful day yesterday. It was Saturday and I went on a shopping trip for something to wear for an event. I couldn't find anythiing I liked or fitted properly and I became tired and a bit down. I knew I was vulnerable but I just couldn't seem to shake it off and before I knew what I was doing I was standing in front of a machine feeding it £20 notes. I am disgusted with myself for being so weak. It wasn't an entirely bad experience as I came out £100 up but I don't know if it might have been better to have lost. I just can't believe how easily I caved. I am back on track with my recovery this morning, but I still feel ashamed and also embarrassed at having to admit my fall from my position of strength and determination to quit. How can I avoid getting caught in a trap of giving in the to the urge then coming on here and confessing only for people to say 'Don't worry, start again'? Be harsh with me folks. I need some straight talk to make me see that this can never happen again!

If you had truly failed, you wouldn't be back here trying again. Having said that...

" It wasn't an entirely bad experience as I came out £100 up"

This concerns me - you're natural reaction to the events is based solely on whether you won or lost. You have to understand and more importantly believe what i'm about to type:

YOU GOT LUCKY!!! There was no skill involved, you didn't play at the "right time", and there is absolutely no guarantee that if you were to try it again, you would get the same results.

Knowing what has happened since your Thursday post, it seems that you were really battling hard to fight the urge. Perhaps you need to put a few more blocks in place - restrict your access to cash somehow, consider self exclusion from bookmakers etc.

None of us find this easy, but I have only recently realised that it's not enough to know you have to stop, you have to WANT to stop. Maybe think about speaking to an advisor on the netline again about yesterday, see if you can pick out exactly what triggered you off, and look at preventing that from happening again.

Oh Hun,

I'm not going to be harsh, cause you appeare to be cross enough with yourself , I am not going to add to it .

We are addicts , because we are addicts we are lightly to relapse , not once but time again. I know I have .

There are so many factors that can contribute to us relapsing like yoi said tiredness of resentment , these are part and parcel of everyone's life be it an addict or not . So it is impossible to banish them from our lives .

We can try to put in things to block us , self cancel, ect . But as so many on here have said they only stop you to a degree .

So am I or anyone else on this site disappointed in you , NO ! , I commend your honesty and hope that you stay close to this site with an added determination to continue the fight .

If the tables were turned , and I had fallen , what would you post back to me ?

Today we can both do this, and tomorrow we can only try our best to do it again.

Please take care , please be kind to you .

Shiny xxxxxx

Thanks Ste and Shiny. I take on board what you both have to say. Since my last post (when I had a lapse that resulted in me being £100 up) I fell well and truly off the wagon and lost the £100 plus another £200 with it. Strangely I am less disgusted with myself now than I was on Saturday after the first fall. I knew, I knew, I knew that if I gambled once it would release the dam and I would fall back in a major way. So........what to do about the situation? I was advised in the chat room today to keep a record of my losses and keep reading it. Going to do that for def. Scary reading! I am going to chase up the appointment I've been waiting forever for to get some counselling and I'm going to state on her once more that I am an ex-gambler. I am an addict who cannot have even the smallest flutter because ONCE I START, I CANNOT STOP! I thing it is time I revealed more about myself in my next post.

I was abandoned as a small child and lived from pillar to post with all manner of relatives. I hated being 'in the way' and an inconvenience to people who took me in. They weren't official foster parents. They just felt they had to 'do the right thing' and give me a roof over my head. I was a dirty, smelly child who suffered from head lice and scabies on many an occasion. I never had a space to call my own and all I ever wanted was to be 'no trouble' to anyone. When I reached adulthood I was determined that no-one would ever look down on me again. Consequently, it would be my worst nightmare for me to admit to people in my life that I am a gambling addict. I just cannot do it as it would feel like I was confirming that I was that worthless, useless little child everyone took pity on. I managed to get a good education and become a professional in my working life with a very responsible job. I worked bloody hard to achieve this and I am always afraid that someone will recognise the real me and say 'look, the emperor is not wearing any clothes'. I know you will think that I must have a strong character to drag myself out of the gutter but I have lost any inner strength I had. It took me nearly thirty years to leave an abusive husband and even then I only left once my four children had grown and left. So you see I cannot involve anyone who knows me in my withdrawal from this curse. I am so ashamed of myself. The little voice inside me tells me every day what a piece of useless sh** I am but I can't bear the thought that anyone else might think that about me. Hope you understand me a little more now. Thank you for reading my lengthy update today.

Hi Sandy,

Was good to see you on chat today and I hope we managed to help in some way with a bit of advice :).

I think you will be able to get through this and find a way that suits you in beating these gambling demons. You have just got to want it enough to beat them.

I hope you do find the strength all the best Sandy

Kind Regards

Ricky

i can relate to the once i started im in it till i aint got a dime left. did it to myself again friday and just seems hopeless to try. guess we both know we cant give up cause who wants to toss their life away to a machine? hang in there

Finally got a start date for my CBT. Starts next week and I'm really hoping it helps. I just feel like I am only at my strongest when I really don't have any money to gamble with anyway. To be honest I could probably find a way to get some money, probably by telling monstrous lies to people who love me. And I'm not prepared to do that so I'm obviously more committed to quitting than I give myself credit for. Hopefully, the CBT will help me recognise my thoughts and emotions before they lead me back to the long dark path to skint-dom! If you are of the religious persuasion I'd be very grateful if you could mention me in your prayers. For those who think that kind of thing is all *ollocks, well it won't make much difference to your lives, but for me I like to think someone is watching over me from above. It just feels reassuring. I like it. Approaching this thing from all angles. Inside me. External influences. Divine intervention. I want it all in my armoury in this battle. Thanks everyone.

Been a busy week since I last posted. Had surgery and started my therapy. First therapy was strange. I'm not sure if I will be able to open up to the therapist, not the personality type I respond well to. Reminded me a little of someone who has hurt me in the past. Anyway, let's see how that goes. I also had surgery for a long standing health issue and although I'm still recovering I am optimistic that it will have been successful. When I catch up with myself this week I will reflect properly on what has been going on and see if I can keep on track. At the moment I just feel very tired and in need of some rest. On a positive note I just painted my toe nails an amazing shade of pink and it is the first time I've taken an interest in my appearance for quite some time! Where will it all end????

Well I'm fully recovered from the operation and have been keeping mainly on track. (Couple of small blips last week) This week. I've been studying all the recent media coverage about paedophiles and, altho I am totally disgusted by it all, I am of the opinion that nobody can be blamed for what excites them sexually, BUT THEY CAN BE BLAMED FOR ACTING ON THAT URGE. Then I realised that if my addiction was actually a paedophillic tendenc, rather than a gambling one, I know I would try everything in my power to prevent me acting on it. Like paedophiles, gamblers have an extreme urge to do something that is bad for them and where the innocent are hurt in the process. I made the decision that if I if I thought of gambling as something as vile as being a paedophile then I know I would be able to beat that urge for the rest of my life because I couldn't live with myself if I didn't. Gambling is also vile, in a much different way of course, but the similarities are there. Gambling hurts us but also hurts innocent people because we cheat, steal, lie and deceive to enable our gambling. Society has a bad view of gambling addicts. They may not be as hated as paedophiles, but I think it is almost as hard to come out as a gambling addict. Drink and drug addicts are understood much more and receive more empathy from society. We are only considered one above paedophiles in terms of getitng any understanding from society. So....for the past four days every time I have had an urge to gamble I have considered it to be in the same bracket as having a paedophillic urge and I become immediately strong enough to convince myself that I may not be able to help having the strong urge to gamble, but I don't have to act on it! Am I making sense? Possibly, someone will mis-understand me and think I am saying gamblers and paedophiles are one and the same. I am not! I am saying maybe we should tell ourselves over and over again that whatever our head and our body urge us to do, WE DO NOT have to act on it. Maybe if you think of it in the same way I have it might help you too. All I know is that in this terrible cycle of urge and action we are trapped in, and anything that we can do to better equip ourselves in the fight against this evil addiction is worth a try.

yeah guess theres nothing wrong with digging up the worse and comparing it to gambling. hell if it works to keep ya away from doing the nasty its worth doing.