No going back

Right, I've had a few of these forums but I feel I've never really told my story so here goes..

I'm Angie, I'm 23 years old and I'm a gambling addict. It all started over 4 years ago, my fiance at the time would put a few bets on the roulette table. I used to say to him don't be so stupid and be angry when he would loose. All of a sudden I was enjoying betting with him, the thrill excited me and one time we walked out of the bookies 100 up! Fantastic I thought! Little did I know this excitement would end up ruining my life.

It came to September 2010 and my fiance at the time was leaving to go on a Afghanistan tour. I was devastated, and what did I do to pass time? Gamble. I became withdrawn in my own little bubble, loosing the people I loved and the enjoyment from the outside world. I would sit for hours and hours just playing roulette on websites. I would be up. A lot. One time I even won 3000, of course that didn't last long. I was an addict, and no matter how much money I was up, I would play, again and again until every single penny was gone.

Coming to the end of March 2011 and my fiance was due home. I had maxed out my 1600 overdraft. Not a single penny to my name. He supported me, to begin with anyway. I don't think he truly understood how this addiction was beginning to effect my life. Every time he went back to camp, I would gamble. It was like an escape from reality. An exciting escape, with terrifying consequences that I was yet to face.

I was a student at the time so of course every loan I got went on the tables, I tried to use some of it wisely but of course once I received money, the bank let me increase my overdraft. All of a sudden it was maxed out at 2600. Then I found I wasn't just an addict, I was a lier. I will never forget the moment my fiance asked me why I couldn't pay for my car insurance, I said 'I'll do it this week, it's my money'. I think the tears in my eyes showed him something was up. He asked ''how much are you in your overdraft?', I told him. It was a relieve, but it was also the start of my heartbreak. I knew he couldn't be with someone who chose money over him, he told me it was over. But then decided he would try and help me. He did do, for a while anyway. He took over my bank account, closely watching I hadn't gambled.. And I didn't! Until he decided he didn't want to be with me anymore.

He finished me whilst I was at work, a relationship of 4 years all over with a single text message. That was it, as soon as I get home I'm going to gamble. That was my first thought. Not the fact that woah I'm now single, I've lost my bestfriend, the person I thought was the love of my life.

This was the 16th October 2011 and my god I wish I could go back to the day and change direction. I gambled every day, every week, whatever money I could get my hands on. Constantly getting charged for going over my overdraft, but 'it's fine' I thought. I'm going to win big one day and nothing will matter. How wrong could I have been?

Fast forward to today, 23rd August 2014. I am in debt with my gran, my father, numerous payday loans that I'm currently in a debt management plan with.. And to top it off I also owe student finance.. All together were talking nearly 30,000 and do you know where it's mostly gone? On a virtual roulette wheel.

I have become a lier, a thief (from my own family) and someone I thought I would never become. I am depressed. I feel alone like there's nobody to talk too. I don't think anybody understands what it feels like to be an addict until you actually are one. Sometimes I just want to scream in the middle of a busy place 'I am a gambling addict and I need help'.

My life is ruined, I know I'm only 23 and people say 'things will always get better' but will they? Will I ever get better? Will I beat this? I have tried and tried and tried until I feel there's nothing more to give, but once I've let myself down, I just carry on gambling, I need that excitement back, I need that rush.

Then boom, the money's gone, because there's no winning when your an addict.. You play, you play until every single penny has left your account. You play till there's no chips on the table. You play till you feel suicidal and there's no way out.

I've tried talking to people, I've tried counselling, I'm on a waiting list for CBT therapy. I don't even know why I gamble anymore, I have a loving family and loving friends. I lost my mother at the age of 10 and that's always going to be something that will be with me forever. I feel I seek the thrill of the game because I get so down with the life I am living. It's like an escape from reality. I have gone a month without gambling and it was the best month in the 4 years I've been an addict.

I am so passionate about helping people who are gambling addicts because I don't want anyone to get to the point where I am, I feel it's the end of the road for me, I don't want to live anymore. I'm 23, who thinks like that at 23? Don't get to this point. Stop, stop before it's too late.

This is me and this is my story.

Angie