okay lets not beat about the bush start from the start.
hi all this is my story id never been into a bookies before i started my job i do now.it started off recreational a bunch of guys going in on their lunch breaks any bookies really we wernt to fussy.some weeks we would be up some times break even and sometimes we would be down.its the way it goes ya know lol cant win all the time.
anyways right so im engaged to this girl who moved into my mums with me things were great untill she started kicking off lets move out get our own place blah blah blah,so we did!we got a cheap little flat rent was £336 a month so really cheap she was working i was working things were great so we booked a all inclusive holiday to turkey £75 deposit.then 3months into living away from family/friends i found out my feincee was cheating on me with her collegue so i gave her an ultimatum she finds a job quits the one shes in and it never happens again or i walk.she didnt find a job but quit hers and couldnt get any benifits.i was left paying for everything for her,i was giving her the money and thinking everything was fine untill she turned around near the end of the month and said were short on rent (she had been going shopping yaaay)so i took her to the bookies with £50 in my pocket and cleared the rent and managed to pay a large amount of the holiday off too.
she saw that as great so i can walk in and like the rain man can walk out loaded everytime so she began using my gambling as a way to pay for stuff until i cut her off and said she had to get a job the meals the rent the bills were all being payed from my cruddy wage im on 39hr min wage and the bookies.
then the car broke down so i had to find money to pay for that again the bookies did provide lol we had several holidays ect ect all payed for from the bookies.it went crazy then one week i lost and when i lost i lost big i went in and began chasing a hundred quid or so then lost 200 300 next thing i knew i was using the credit card lost 1200 in one sitting at the fobt machine on roulette.i couldnt pay for the rent i couldnt buy food and no fuel for work so managed to up my card limit kept quiet about it just hoping it would pass by untill the landlord came calling asking where his money was my fiencee had argued it was payed and if it wasnt it would be.i felt sick to the core absolutely gutted and empty sickly empty!she came in with a face like thunder kicked off at me big time (untill i pointed out the fact of everything shes not had to pay or provide) the same old hypocrit arguement they always love you when your winning!
anyways we managed to get the rent payed from my upped credit card limit,and began looking to live elsewhere we moved to the countryside a nice bungalow for again cheap rent which was great i could break free and i did for a couple months the guys at work helped me out a little (very little) by avoiding the bookies untill it dawned they couldnt gamble because i asked them to avoid the bookies.so they stopped avoiding the bookies and told me to man up as they were going in longer and longer whilst i sat outside in the van.so i ended up going in with them and lost my rent again was absolutely gutted as i pretty much live on the bread line as it is.we sorted things out again payed the rent somehow then 2 years down the line left and moved to where we are now.my feincee wasnt working due to us having a baby and wasnt claiming benifits as her family look down on her for it.we had a misscarrage and things really went to the toilet i was trying to pay the bills of £1300 a month with a job that pays £1036 yep you guessed it i was at it again only this time with the online live casino roulette ive won about £100,000 this year and lost about £80,000.
im not here because im struggling with debt im here because i dont want to be!im fed up lonely ive no proper freinds kinda socially reclusive,im the guy that says the innapropriate things at the innappropriate times and find no need to lie to others because the truth is so much better no matter who it hurts myself included!i grew up in the countryside and didnt have many friends so never really found the proper way to mix with others or change my personality so just stuck with who i am for the last 37 years.gambling is a way to escape from me to be free from being trapped inside myself win or lose it doesnt matter i won £17k a month ago lost 7k that night then lost another 4k the next morning with drew 6k then brought my feincee a few presents my little boy some nice christmas presents gave the feincee about £1000 the month before and come the end of the week you know what having that 6k was the worst thing in my life my she turned to me and kicked off because she never has a lump sum of money she wanted me to give her more uhhh no we had a huge row over the money so i went and lost it all on purpose she wasnt happy for the fact i didnt have to struggle she just wanted more!so the way i saw it if i dont have it then neither can she lol and i lost the rest it was about 2k maybe 2.5k!
ive not won anything since all my funds are spent out but im still not in debt bad,nothing that cant be sorted in a couple months!
ive not been at work for 3 weeks due to christmas holidays and it was supposed to be a nice time unfortunately ive found if i leave the same room as my feincee for 15mins no exageration 15mins then she is shouting for me and also getting our little boy to call for me she refuses to give me space or time for anything i partially feel trapped!so im hoping the gamblers anonymous will be a good enough reason for her to leave me alone so i can get this sorted because shes about as helpful as chocolate fireguard!
ive not gambled in 2 days but had about 20 arguements in that time so been really pushed to gamble but still stayed clear,ive got the urge in my forearms to just go and give yourself a spin on the roulette you can do it your markie you can do it go on go have a win,my brain is screaming at me saying why FRICKIN BOTHER anything i do win i wont take and will lose anyways its legalised robbery. everytime i walk into a bookies or go online i think it would be easier for them to just ask for me to deposit the money and log out again lol no need to play you lost anyways!
i hope i can stick with this i really do im depressed due to the misscarrage but depressed because i gamble im a really bad drunk too i dont drink and can handle not drinking but when i do i just fight lol ahh and my drug history yeah im a compulsive drug abuser too well was quit when i was 21 but from 15-21 i was smoking an oz of weed daily.guess the gambling just knocks it on the head for another addiction lol never liked shopping much tho so cant see myself delving into that route!
well i hope this is a good enough start of a diary thanks for reading all
Okay so first morning here 3rd day gamble free ive a plan in place already for keeping me busy and mind occupied, im going to cook a 13lb turkey up and have a day makig up food batches and canning them up soups casserole ect, and whilst the turkeys cooking slowly im taking my little boy fiencee and dog out for a walk down by the river after I finished my coffee.
Heres to a proper head start on a brand new year brand new me 🙂
Hi Markie b
Addiction can be complicated and not just as simple as not gambling as many would want. Recovery can take a lot of effort, commitment and patience but if you give GA and all the other help time to help you, you give yourself the best chance possible.
I might suggest you speak to Gamcare as they offer counselling. Might be something you could take up in addition?
triangle wrote:
Hi Markie b
Addiction can be complicated and not just as simple as not gambling as many would want. Recovery can take a lot of effort, commitment and patience but if you give GA and all the other help time to help you, you give yourself the best chance possible.
Hi triangle thanks for your reply, yeah I know its not as easy as just stopping lol wish it was id of quit a long time ago.just putting things in place at the moment to keep me away from gambling, taking it like I done when I quit smoking a while back ( I still smoke now but quit for a year).keeping mind and body occupied is critical its not quitting for ever its quitting for today then tomorrow then next week so on so forth, the more you say its forever the harder to break the addiction forever is a long scary path a day at a time isnt, breaking it to managed sections and breaking habits is key to quitting more successfully.
Like I said in jan im starting up with gamblers anonymous so hopefully that will help massively with local support and others face to face.ive cancelled my mobile contract so thats an option cut out as a possibility to slip and gamble, im going to get that k9 software and install it, ive heard it can be a bit pricey so will look at getting it for free and installed.
Because i have an addictive personality ive had many addictions so learned a few valuable lessons along the way, every addiction is different so I dont hold the key just try and iam for a direction that has seemed to work and head for the light! Its only a few months clear I begin looking back and seeing how ridiculous and ludicrous it really is but they didnt cost me near as much!
Im starting to get into another hobby aswell so takes time focus and energy.ive my little family too to suck the time away lol.
Okay well this is 3rd day quitting night time, my days activities were interesting cooked a turkey carved it up took the family out for a nice walk down by the river, then popped over to see my mum.she told me to make curries up with some of the turkey (it was huge 13lb beast) lots left over she said to get get some mia mia curry powder mix and its just like the take aways (bonuuus).I didnt really think much about gambling whilst ive been out I was kept busy by my disobedient child and dog lol.it only kinda hit me tonight watching tv and the endless fricking casino comercials one second I was fine the next it was like a cloud rushed over me, need cash need money gotta have a spin I can get out of this mess its only a couple grand and il be sorted again! It was that point I looked across at my fiencee and down at my son and just gave a little smile to them both walked into the kitchen and made a coffee and broke the chain of thought from I want to gamble to nah I dont want to gamble I need to focus on sorting this out the old fashoined way saving and buy things with whats been earnt.these adverts are shocking like just now watching family guy had w**********l 8*8 poker stars and then casimo thats 4 adverts out of 7 that were gambling related in a 5min break.okay talking about gambling now is making me want to gamble.ok so tomorrows plan is to try and start sourcing parts for my new hobby im going to try makig these home made whiskey kits (I dont drink whiskey) it cuts then chances of becoming an alcoholic again so il make for sipping not necking lol.going to try gin and vodka too eventually. Its a hobby I think il enjoy 🙂
okay so 4th day today early morning 5th day,
so its gone pretty well through the day went and took some unwanted xmas stuff to be exchanged (it was a halogen oven already have 2) was offered the money but i opted for a store credit instead figured it best to not have money just yet.came home helped clear out some of little mans old toys he doesnt use boxed them up and giving them to the childrens hospital hes 2 and has shed loads of toys, too many.
the mrs left me alone tonight and went out drinking with her friend like a few others diaries when your left alone it usually the hardest time i asked her to stay because i was going to struggle to which she shrugged me off and told me to deal with it its not her problem she wanted to go out drinking with her friends.i asked her to not be out to late i could probably deal with a couple hours or so,so she left at 7pm came rolling in at 12.30am.i was really tempted i mean so tempted to just go and have a spin on the roulette just out from lonelyness really my boy was tucked up in bed the dog cant be taken for a walk because i cant leave, and the house is in pretty good order so cant tidy.
i was really angry when she came home she promised me 10pm but again she just lied and now her friend wants her to go out new years eve with her for a few drinks not alot just a couple hours (yeah not on this side of the year she aint lol) its now 3am and im still really tempted to go online and go on the roulette im a techie the software doesnt work for me unfortunately.its what i used to do in my spare time was bypass government blocks and do things i really shouldnt be doing i know i know im a geek lol to my own detriment it seems!i wont say how for the sake of others here as i think its unfair towards them and their own struggle.so i booted up and came straight here rather then to the wheel of death and update my diary.
im off now to go listen to some frequency youtube videos brain healing 528hz it seems to relax me and make me more positive for some strange reason ... who knows maybe theres more to this hippy music stuff then i realised.im feeling less drowned at the moment tho kind of like ive been lifted when i want to gamble i feel like im suffocating or drowning but when listening to this frequency stuff it raises me from my chest and i feel lighter and my head feels clear not so foggy.dont know maybe im just jabbering s***e coz its 3am but maybe its actually doing something?see you all tomorrow no plans as of yet of what im going to be doing.
Ok so into my 5th day been arguing all morning with the mrs about her spending and my gambling and the fact this cant carry on.she wants a holiday and a new car which we can not afford at the moment then she was kickig off because I apparently dont do anything, I cook clean and look after little one when I get home from work whilst she sits on her phone planning to meet her drinking buddies most nights which bugs the s***e out of me because we cant afford her shopping and drinking let alone her now travelling to another town to drink.we have to clear her credit card or it will sink us eventually but she doesnt understand.im trying for new year new start focus on the positive and clear the negative.but apparently its me thats negative and drawn us down this pit of despair.
Im lost I was doing so well untill this arguement about her wanting a holiday abroad 5 star and a new car ( ours is diesel much more cost efficient).without gambling I just cant do it no way not for a long time but thats the answer she didnt want to hear and thats where the arguements kicked off to the point she said shes not even sure she wants to be with me anymore she feels trapped and drinking is her only freedom!
Im trying to keep positive but its difficult with someone who is throwing tantrums every 5mins because she doesnt get what she wants untill I cave and give into her.we have a little boy together aswell which makes things all the more difficult I want to give them both my world but it seems my world isnt enough she wants a life I just cant afford to give her! Stuck
Hi Mark welcome to the forum
Well done on your 5th day bet free. The devil's wheel seems to be number one source of gambaling addicts on gamcare.
From what I read of your diary it seems you gamble to keep your girl happy?
Forgive me if I'm wrong but what I read was she wants to split now because you've stopped gambaling. And the big ticket items aren't going to be coming as quickly as she likes?
Im not even sure if mantuition is a word but I'm going to use it lol
It would seem to me that all your problems lead back to one source
And it's not you.
Welcome anyway good to have you here. Keep posting its working
Deano
Hi dean0 thanks for the reply lol mantuition maybe spot on but ive kept the peace weve drawn up a house rota so everything can be cross referenced.its kept her a little happier for the moment, and without her working she gets a break too and her card still gets payed off slowly but surely.shes giving me her card so she cant spend on it anymore (I wont touch it).I told her that maybe oct time we could go somewhere but wont be 5 star I doubt. some good late holiday deal sites about that are dirt cheap.its partly my fault for giving her a lifestyle thats so turbulant when im on a roll then its awsome but when its not then its a struggle and we/i budget to make it to the next payday.
Hi,
My husband is a CG, he's not had a bet in some eighteen months since the crisis when he was found out second time round.
Objectively, in active addiction, blame gets projected onto the nearest and dearest. That was our experience, first time round, he told himself and me that he needed to "invest" by spread betting on sports because I was so extravagant. It was nonsense, he wanted to bet so he started out from that conclusion and found a reason. And the extravagance in question was simply normal living, nothing five star, the reality was that his gambling strained our finances, not maintaining the household. But blaming me allowed him to justify what he was doing and allowed him (in his mind) to avoid responsibility
On the same lines, her "having" to drink because of you sounds no less ominous than you "having" to gamble because of her. And asking someone with a gambling problem to keep your card to prevent overspending is also ominous. The best advice is to accept that you placed the bets, that's down to you and you're responsible for your actions and their consequences. If she takes a glass, fills it and consumes the contents, she's responsible for that action and its consequences.
Your problems and hers aren't a lack of money, they're not related to anything material. They're to do with emotions and connections or relationships with each other and with other people and I would advise you to look for solutions in the right place, via Twelve Step programmes and counselling. Painful, boring but effective.
When the gambling and the overspending stop, the finances improve. But focusing on the debt and not on the underlying issues solves nothing.
Wish you well,
CW
Cynical wife wrote:
Hi,
My husband is a CG, he's not had a bet in some eighteen months since the crisis when he was found out second time round.
Objectively, in active addiction, blame gets projected onto the nearest and dearest. That was our experience, first time round, he told himself and me that he needed to "invest" by spread betting on sports because I was so extravagant. It was nonsense, he wanted to bet so he started out from that conclusion and found a reason. And the extravagance in question was simply normal living, nothing five star, the reality was that his gambling strained our finances, not maintaining the household. But blaming me allowed him to justify what he was doing and allowed him (in his mind) to avoid responsibility
On the same lines, her "having" to drink because of you sounds no less ominous than you "having" to gamble because of her. And asking someone with a gambling problem to keep your card to prevent overspending is also ominous. The best advice is to accept that you placed the bets, that's down to you and you're responsible for your actions and their consequences. If she takes a glass, fills it and consumes the contents, she's responsible for that action and its consequences.
Your problems and hers aren't a lack of money, they're not related to anything material. They're to do with emotions and connections or relationships with each other and with other people and I would advise you to look for solutions in the right place, via Twelve Step programmes and counselling. Painful, boring but effective.
When the gambling and the overspending stop, the finances improve. But focusing on the debt and not on the underlying issues solves nothing.
Wish you well,
CW
Hi cynical wife thanks for your reply.i do accept the gambling addiction is my fault and ultimate responsibility. Ive always tried to maintain the bills and household costs my wages are £1036 a month and bills come to £1300 a month.we have changed and adapted to be manageable now but as I dug deeper I found the car tax hasnt been payed for 2 months and council tax wasnt payed for this month (which the money was given to her to pay the billsand wernt) ive put my wages into the bill account for this month just covering the rent, and now have £6 in my account untill next payday which means in 2 days time I have to of found £200 that was covered for to begin with And vanished without trace.
im tempted soooo frickin tempted to take that £6 and gamble it to try and run it up so I can clear this but reality is I probably wont clear it il lose and the £6 can be used to buy a big bag of potatoes and milk so thats what Im going to do! The car tax will have to wait and il have to run the risk of being caught out by dvla.the council tax will probably send me another final notice as this isnt the first time its not been payed.and then next month il be in the s***e and behind again with bills.its a continuous rob peter to pay paul situation im finding myself in.by having her cards I can monitor and keep track of everything our bills her spending and gives me a solid work place to begin to try and untangle this whole mess.
I am a gambler compulsive or escape or subsidy! to me makes no odds as to why but I am addicted and always see it as a means to an end.ive managed to keep a roof over our heads food on our table and bills payed about 8 months now soley from work and gambling but I know I can not continue the way we live its an inevitable ending if I continue this way.
Hi Markie,
Thank you for your post & sorry to hear about your own experience in accident.
Ya know, ironically, the guy was pleading me to get every single penny out of him...maybe he was in shock, maybe he felt guilt....my response at the time " it's not all about money". ...& he said "i know,..but".
Whatever way i go forwards now, is my personal choice...but i still stand by my words - you can't buy what you loose in such situations...you just can't...it's too traumatic for some ppl.
Anyway, i really am happy to see you around and posting!
Keep close by the site, keep abstaining, learning about yourself, maintaining recovery & looking ahead. many successful stories printed in these pages - become one of them вє...you truly can!
Stay well
S x
hopeful soul wrote: Hi Markie, Thank you for your post & sorry to hear about your own experience in accident. Ya know, ironically, the guy was pleading me to get every single penny out of him...maybe he was in shock, maybe he felt guilt....my response at the time " it's not all about money". ...& he said "i know,..but". Whatever way i go forwards now, is my personal choice...but i still stand by my words - you can't buy what you loose in such situations...you just can't...it's too traumatic for some ppl. Anyway, i really am happy to see you around and posting! Keep close by the site, keep abstaining, learning about yourself, maintaining recovery & looking ahead. many successful stories printed in these pages - become one of them вє...you truly can! Stay well S x
thanks for the pop by and just figured it is an option just incase you didnt want to and just wanted to shy away 🙂
day 6 was very very tempted but still no gambling even though im going to go into debt by not its £200 its managable and ive my £6 to buy a big bag of lidl's spuds and cheap cheap beans lol
im into day 7 and will not gamble today i swear il be good lol
if im not on today its because its new years eve and will be drinking and keeping away from any form of gambling!
so happy new year to anyone who visits here i doubt il be around much today and heres a beer to a new start for all happy 2017 folks
hehe okay okay i did this on purpose to prove a point i had in my own head i could do it!and k9 doesnt work for me unfortunately 🙁 i didnt gamble but wanted to test it and managed to block myself even more so from some online casino sites so im wide awake going to go bag and freeze some turkey thats left over then defrost some bacon and sausages for breakfast tomorrow morning i feel positive and feel like a fresh fry up for a fresh new outlook and wave this addiction goodbye instyle for 2016 welcome 2017 in in style with a hang over and a fry up lol
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