One day at a time.

Wow, how drunk was I the other night? Answer: very!

I don't want to make a habit of it, but it was a good night. I'm still angry with my gambling past, it tends to boil over more when I've had a drink. Not in terms of being aggressive, just I vocalise how stupid I was. Not sure it's a positive or not, but it's still working....I HATE GAMBLING.

94 days for me now, nearing the 100 day mark. May have to celebrate by doing a bungee jump or something.

Still one day at a time.

Thanks,

Scott.

Not long now, 6 days!

Just make sure you treat yourself with something on day 100 to celebrate.

And I don't mean excessive alcohol!

Keep up with the great work.

GT

100 not out!

And I couldn't have done it without you guys. I don't want this to sound like a Hollywood acceptance speech however, so I'll leave that there. Going to have a relaxing evening with my girl, the champers is being opened tonight. Woop!

I will be back over the weekend. Onwards!

Day 104 today. I did not gamble.

Been looking over my diary over the last week, just to see how far I've come. I suppose it's looked pretty easy for me, I've been very positive and not had any wobbles whatsoever. It doesn't really show the utter despair that gambling brought me, the pain, the dread, the stress, the contempt for myself. I've been through the mill so many times that I decided enough was enough. I know how close I am to gambling again - one moment's carelessness and I'll be back in hell. Don't ever get the impression that I'm taking this easy, because I'm not. I hate gambling, I hate how it destroyed so many years of my life. NEVER again.

Job is going well, I'm very happy in London and my relationship with my girlfriend is very strong. I've started rebuilding with my life. Finally.

So yeah, another day down. Still doing this, one day at a time.

Thanks

Scott

P.S Work are having a poker night next week. £5 entry (all to charity), £100 vouchers to the winner. Now I know that it's just a social event, but I will be avoiding. Cards still fill me with fear and regret and there's no point getting back into the 'action', even for charity. I'm sure I'd be ok, but it's a slippery slope. I will give the £5 to charity though.

Day 107.

The missus has gone to her parents house for the weekend. Money was paid into my account today. This is the first time I've had a chance to gamble since July 6th, 2011. There is absolutely no chance I will though, there is no way I'm throwing away all my hard work on a whim. I was going to go to a meeting tonight, except there are no friday meetings near me. Oh well, I'll just sit here and chill out.

That is all today, keep strong my friends.

A huge well done on making it to three figures.

And judging by your recent posts, you really seem to be enjoying life right now.

This goes to show what life can be like when we don't throw our hard-earned money away for nothing.

Well done on resisting the work social do and all the best with this weekend. When you get through it, it will be yet another barrier up for you against those evil gambling urges that will try and tempt you back into the evil world.

GT

Hi everyone, I hope I find you all well. Was just passing by and thought I'd make a post. Been a month since my last post and I'm pleased to report that I've not had a bet since July 6th 2011. Busy with work and life in general, not had the merest thought of gambling again.

I no longer see myself as a compulsive gambler, even though I know I still am once I have that first bet. Been having an ongoing debate about this question with my flatmate, who is a former drinker. He refuses to call himself a recovering alcoholic, rather just someone who used to drink and now he doesn't. Whether it's just a debate of semantics, I don't know. Either way, it works for him and I can see his point. He knows if he drinks again, he'll be the alcoholic ruining his life again. It's the same for me and that's why I will not be making that first bet, no matter how trivial it would appear.

I have now lost track of how days it's been....but I still feel bloody great. We are not hopeless cases, we ARE stronger than this pathetic addiction. It's just a matter of believing it. I still believe in taking it one day at a time, but I'm not so anxious about it any longer.

All the best,

Scott

Like you, I have lost tracks on how many days it has been since I last gambled.

But I don't care. What really matters is the present and the future. Each day that we get though without throwing away our hard earned money is another day towards a much better life.

And it seems that you are well on your way, well done!

GT

Hi Scott,

I've just read your diary with great interest. Like you I'm not a big crier either, but I lost control the night I confessed all to my wife, out of shear relief more than anything else I think. Years upon years of lies and deceit had finally come to an end and it momentarily got the better of me. Everyone's situation is different but coming clean was the best thing I ever did.

Anyway, by the time I reached page 2 of your diary I felt myself choking up again, the first time that has happened since I started reading peoples diaries, and I've read a few. I think your story stirred up some very fresh, raw memories for me.

Reading through your comments was like delving into my own mind at times. There's much of your story I felt I could relate to.

Is it OK for me to ask you a question? Do you feel that taking the pills helped improve the way you were feeling? From reading your posts it definitely sounds like they helped. I've now gone 3 weeks without gambling and like you I've not struggled with any urges. I also handed control of my finances over to my wife and I now have my wages paid into the joint account. Despite this I feel little sense of achievement at making it this far, or at least not as much as I feel I should. My moods are all over the place - down one day, up the next - and I'm still not sleeping great, hence the time of posting. I feel sure I'm suffering a little with the 'D' word but I'm reluctant to seek help as I feel there is a stigma attached to this particular illness. I know, coming from a person who's just admitted to being a CG, that's laughable, right?

Anyway, it was great to read how you've overcome your addiction and put your life back on track. It gives hope to us all. And I disagree with the statement in your first post, I think you make a great writer. I was engrossed by your story.

Forgive me for rambling on. Best wishes, Scott.

J72

Thanks for taking time to respond James, much appreciated. I'm not glad you've had to go through this, but I AM glad you've seen the light at the end of this very dark tunnel. Well done on your three weeks, you've already broken that cycle we all get into. Now it's all about keeping it going, one day at a time....still my mantra, it's worked from day one.

Also well done on telling your other half, without doubt the smartest and bravest (is that the right word) thing to do. You're absolutely right, the crying came about from a mixture of relief and utter despair. I'd hit my rock bottom, I could never feel worse than I did that night. I was close to doing something REALLY stupid, I just couldn't face it any more. But telling my girlfriend relieved me of that guilt and that pain that had built up, the deceit could finally stop. Giving financial responsibility to your wife means one less thing to worry about, so again, well done. I have been given a degree of financial independence back now and it's going fine, but I certainly wouldn't rush it.

The pills certainly helped me in the first two months, though I was sleeping a lot on them. They aren't a cure, but they help take the sting out of depression. I was on fluoxetine (Prozac) and I did feel somewhat of a zombie like at times. I've actually stopped taking them of late, first out of forgetfulness and then because I didn't feel the need to take them. Probably a bad time to stop really, the dark nights can get a little depressing. That said, I'm still doing fine and I intend to keep it that way. If I do start feeling in any way down, I still have a good supply of them to tide me over. I would certainly recommend that you see your doctor, I was amazed at how sympathetic mine was to my situation. Depression is a massive problem in this country and it's the one that no-one talks about. I'm not ashamed of it, but I'm aware of the social stigma and I suppose never opened up much. I found it difficult to tell my brother about it, but he then told me that he's suffered with it for years. Just because you can't "see" the illness, doesn't mean it's not there. Mood swings were a massive problem for me too, but I was very good at shielding them from people I knew. This led to a lot of sleeplessness, which in turn led to gambling. I would always gamble at stupid hours as that was the time I'd have the freedom and the inclination to. So yeah, I do recommend you address this, it definitely sounds like you need help on this front. Not gambling will only take us so far, we still need self esteem, worth, purpose.

Word of warning though, I haven't overcome anything. I've just re-evaluated my life and come to a conclusion - I either take this head on or I let it destroy me . It's not a battle for me really, it's being smart enough to make conscious decisions and to avoid unnecessary risks. Can't let my guard down now, complacency has been the undoing of me in the past and will do again in the future. For me, if I've taken anything out of the last 4 months or so, it's the fact that my life can only ever better when I am away from gambling. No matter what I face, it's better without it.

But enough of this rambling, I look forward to reading your posts on here James. Stick with this place, I haven't looked back. Some really great characters here with different outlooks and ideas and opinions.

P.S I think I'm going to start taking the pills again. Talking about them has made me realise that I probably should be on them until the Doc suggests otherwise.

Hi Scott,

Thank you for taking the time to comment on my diary, it's very much appreciated. Thanks too for the helpful advice; it's obvious you put a lot of though into answering my questions.

You talk a lot of sense, Scott. I find myself nodding along to much of what you have to say. In particular I couldn't agree more with your sentiments on quitting gambling will take us only so far. I've read several diaries from people who, like me, are just beginning their recovery journey's and I can sense their feeling of achievement as they reach a milestone, and then another, and another. This just isn't happening for me right now. Don't get me wrong, I'm so relieved I've finally accepted I need help with this addiction and I fully intend never to go back. But I still feel as if there's something more to this than the simple need to gamble. I probably need to figure out what that is before I'm able to move on completely.

Anyway, that's enough from me. Thanks for listening.

James

Hello everyone. Today is day 144 without gambling apparently, I decided to look it up.

which is equal to

4 months, 21 days

which is equal to

12,441,600 seconds or

207,360 minutes or

3456 hours or

20 weeks

All of which means nothing if I ever should be idiotic enough to gamble again. I'm not counting anymore, but it's interesting to see the numbers. There used to be times where even going to the toilet meant losing precious seconds away from gambling. Time is all relative.

I watched that Moving on show from the BBC regarding the CG plumber. Some of it rang true, some of it less so. The story felt rushed to me and the plot itself seemed far fetched towards the end. That said, Reece Dinsdale did a pretty sound job of showing the utter despair that problem gambling brings. Probably the most relevant part for me was where he actually had some money and started smiling that everything was going to be ok....he was paying off some bills, giving his wife some flowers etc....before the inevitable collapse into hell. Been there, done that numerous times. I also thought the ending was decent, it showed that there is a path away from this kind of life. Good to see this issue being addressed in a show too, it's still the silent addiction to most people, it doesn't grab the headlines like drug addiction does.

Anyhow, must sleep now.

One day at a time.

Scott

P.S James, I really hope you manage to get some help with your problems. The Gary Speed thing today proves that hiding the problem away can drag you under. Was never a fan of Stan Collymore in his playing days, but he's an inspiration at the moment, he's being vocal on an illness that is still the silent killer. For me personally, depression and gambling are different sides to the same coin. Please don't lose heart now, my friend.

I'm now on day 150 since I stopped gambling. Woo! Yay! Etc.

Day 1 is still fresh in my mind. Still remembering cutting off all my hair with a beard trimmer. Not only quite a mental thing to do, it took about an hour. Still, it was nothing to the years of pain that gambling caused me.

Had a good week, mostly. Apart from having a bad cold and working far too many hours. Also had a strange de ja vu moment after I left my wallet at work, with my train ticket in it. It meant I had to walk back to the office to retrieve it. (20 min walk) Luckily, my colleague who was with me at the station decided to lend me £20 until the next day. Very briefly, I had a thought about going to a bookies and having a wee bet. Not the thought about actually doing it NOW, but like I living in the past. Very odd and somewhat unpleasant, really. I'm sure it's just a trigger back to when someone has lent me money to buy a particular item and I'd then gone and blown it. Don't quite know what to make of it, but still.

Am off to Oxford for the weekend, to meet up with a good friend. Stay strong!

One day at a time.

Hi Scott,

Haven't been on for a while, but I was thinking of people on this site the other day, so I thought I'd see how it's going with you. Fantastic by the looks! I have remained gamble free since 1st June and am still feeling strong. 150 days is awesome - congrats!

I go past a bookies now and to be honest I have psyched myself into a state where my skin crawls about going through the door - like it is a revolting cess pit inside....which of course metaphorically it is!

Happy days! Catch up soon, Jim

Always good to hear from you, Jim. You were one of the merry band that helped me in the first few days, got me through a very tough time.

I've just started reading back my diary from the first few days, incredible to see how far I've come. One thing that did strike me is the positive attitude I had after it - I didn't beat myself up, I just set out a plan of action and made sure that it was going to be different this time. And I can honestly it say it has been, it's taken radical solutions to start to defeat this problem that has attempted to ruin my life. Never been more proud of myself really - although that isn't difficult, self esteem is something I've struggled with in the past, despite showing plenty of bravado. Little did I realise that the 'One day at a time' title would become a mantra, but it has. It will continue, it HAS to. Am I being superstitious? Maybe.

Nothing more really to add today, just preparing for a happy Christmas now. I've had some very tough times over Christmas before, including some very crazy bouts of gambling. I will be using those experiences to remind myself why I don't gamble anymore. It days gone by, I would have felt tested. Not now.

Let's keep it going everyone, we've got to remember to be here for each other. All for one, one for all. One day at a time.

Thanks

Scott