One Plus One Plus One Plus ...

Hi Mate

I put it off and off until I could take no more then I got serious! I self excluded and therefore unable to gamble in my usual haunts. It isn't a fail proof answer but it is a reminder to yourself. I used to go into bookies out of habit and once you change the pattern of your habit you have a chance. I also got some counselling through this website and that worked too, I was sceptical before, but really, I never wanted to stop. I wanted to stop losing not gambling. However we all know that is 100% impossible

Take care

Hi Smiler, thanks for the post. What you say makes a lot of sense. I've managed to abstain from betting shops for almost two years through a mix of self exclusion from the local ones and the will power not to travel too much further afield for a bet. Even if I set out with gambling in mind by the time I get there, I have talked myself out of it. I've found myself getting into the habit of online betting. I'll bet on just about anything online; I find it almost impossible just to watch tv or be with the family without the iPad or laptop within arms reach.

Aside from the money which disappears into thin air, it feels like I am not really present in my own life. I always have one eye on something else. I guess I am here because I want to feel life is real again and get out of the habit of needing an interest.

I only gambled online a couple of times and it isn't for me. Have you looked out software blocker. Not sure how it works but well worth it by all accounts. Give it a whirl and you'll be on your feet in no time

Thanks for the tip. That's my laptop sorted out. Not sure what I am going to do with the iPad. I'm not proud, I'll take the blocks where I can find them.

Online gambling is a total nightmare. I too am (was) addicted to being online all the time although my downfall was the slot games.

I know exactly what you mean about feeling out of touch with reality. I am hoping by reading posts on here and responding to as many as I feel able I will have something to follow! I am keeping a diary too and found when I stopped it for a few days was when I relapsed.

You could also join the 2014 challenge where everyone posts how their week has gone. I got to day 12 and re-lapsed so had to start again on day 1 this week. Now I'm up to day 4 and determined to beat it this time.

I was advised to try a blocker called K9 on my android phone. The app is in the play store. I don't know if it is available for Ipad but I don't see why not. The only problem is that it is very easy to uninstall so you will need to get someone else to set the password or do what I did and write it down (you have to enter it twice) but make it something impossible to remember. Mine is a jumble of letters and numbers and the piece of paper with it written on is now in a drawer that I can't easily get to. If I have the urge to find the password I vow to come on here instead.

You can also self exclude yourself from websites - not sure if that's been mentioned already - which is really useful as they won't let you back on.

Best of luck on beating the online addiction this time 🙂

Hi NoCrisis

thanks for your post on my diary. I'm sorry things are really difficult at the moment- as you said on my diary I think we are in similar positions. The lying and all the stuff that goes with it, and the way that gambling so takes over our lives, its awful isn't it. Hey, you can do it, a future without gambling, a future without the lying and all that other pants stuff- its worth fighting for isn't it. As the gambling stops the 'real' you will begin to shine through again, and that is a great gift for yourself and those closest to you.

take care friend

hope today is gamble free

Stu

So day two is just about done. Today has been okay with no major urges and a decent chunk of soul searching.

I can trace back my gambling issues to 2009. I had placed the odd bet before or played the lottery or online games but had no real problem. In 2009 I quit my job to look after a relative separating me from my family and mates. I was lonely. I found an online community of lost souls always willing to play be it poker or black jack or slots. Gambling felt like a connection. There were the afternoon walks down to the bookies. Place a bet, chat about wins or more often losses, maybe a pint. It was an alternative to a life I didn't like very much. It was a way of fitting in.

Relatively early on, there was a win. I can vividly remember being four grand up. Funding for more trips to the bookies and more pints. Life felt better. It didn't matter when I threw back hundreds because it wasn't my money. Of course, their money ran out eventually and by the time it did I was hooked. I had a bit of money put by and it all went on gambling. I justified it as the only thing I could do for fun. It was never huge sums (I didn't have huge sums) but it was everything I could spare.

Of course, life moves on. Late 2010 I am home and working again. I am sure I can quit but fail time and time again in a cycle of three grand loss, miss the mortgage payment, borrow, scrimp, hide the bank statements and repeat. Years go by and now I am ditching my friends to visit bookies. My old excuses don't stack up; I am a gambling addict.

In 2013 I self exclude from all I can and take all the advice on offer. Still I relapse though not quite as severely as before. Progress? Roll forward to 2014. Only one major splurge this year and it has ended with me starting this diary. Maybe this is the way. Maybe this time I will have the strength.

Yesterday was day one, plus one is two.

Plus one makes day three.

I've a pretty busy day ahead which should keep me out of trouble.

I keep rereading yesterday's post and think the common thread that keeps me gambling is isolation. I have a fair amount of responsibility both in and out of work and sometimes it feels like all human interaction boils down to someone wanti ng something from me. Nonsense of course but that feeling is the same disconnect from real life that I felt when I started. It is hysterical of course that what starts as nonsense becomes self fulfilling as soon as I start gambling because I find excuses to push people away. It occurs to me as I write that gambling wants more from me than the rest if my life put together; it could take everything if I don't find a way to stop.

Anyway, time to stop moping and get on with my day.

Plus one makes four...

Today has been tough. Was working out of town which meant a whole bunch of betting shops I am not excluded from. Made it home to a quiet night in and the urge to get online. Posting on here instead. Jeez, this is only day four and I'm toiling already.

It's never easy to start over after a lot of gambling and chasing etc and it only puts us in a mess. I've had to start over and over many times, but the road to 'recovery' isn't easy. (I don't know what its called recovery because we never recover) I kept getting dragged back in and in, again and again, thinking I will get the big win but it just never comes. So I can understand why your finding it difficult...

Just remember...

Gambling = LOSER, so stay clear at all costs.

Thanks Stacey. You are absolutely right. I know I can't win so to play is to lose. I am staying clear.

Plus one is five....

Quiet night in was tough so tonight I have arranged to meet a friend and catch a movie. Can't remember the last time I was at the pictures. Strangely, I am really looking forward to doing something normal. I'm almost positive I had a life before I started gambling. I just have to remember where I put it and get it back.

Plus one makes six...

Feels like a long week but finally made it to the weekend. This will be tough but I am looking forward to finding some new routines that don't involve gambling.

Night all.

Plus one amazing, impromptu weekend away with old friends that hit the casino on Monday night makes Day 1.

I discovered last night that the key peril when attempting recovery in secret is that people will put temptation in your way. Hell, they don't even realise it is a temptation.

My choice of course and I stand by it; I want to do this on my own.

I discovered something else last night. I can change my behaviour. I gambled just enough to be sociable. I spent (trying to think of it as an expense of the weekend not a loss to stop myself chasing) about thirty quid. I left with my friends. For the first time in a long time I cashed out and had someone hand me back some money. It was not easy, in my head I was screaming, I was terrified of falling off the wagon in spectacular style but I held it together. There were a couple of comments afterwards that I didn't look like I enjoyed it; I lied and said it wasn't really my thing.

Finding it difficult today. For most of the weekend I felt like my old self but came back to earth with a bit of a bump. Hate the fact I'm restarting the count. Urges are also worse today. I just want to feel normal. Why am I not wired for normal?