One Plus One Plus One Plus ...

So obviously, I chased the thirty quid.

Yeah gods, what is the matter with me?!? I know what I am doing. I am a sensible, rational, professional person and then I gamble and lose all sense of logic and proportion.

Blocks and exclusions are all well and good but I can travel and I can borrow or buy devices to play on. I hate myself for being weak enough to fall into the same pattern time and time again. Telling people in the real world really isn't an option; I refuse to put my family through that hurt. I've been working on getting back old friendships but there is nobody I feel I trust enough to tell a friend. I feel stuck. I genuinely want to stop. I think of all the time I have wasted which would have been better spent with friends and family. I don't want to make that mistake for the rest of my life. How do I get out of this rut?

I guess saying this is Day 1 is the best start I can make. First goal; get to day two.

There's some great people here for you mate. You're having a hard time but you can beat this. I struggled at the start of my diary but once I'd got a few days together I felt stronger. I also used the 2014 challenge which I see you have now joined. The challenge is a great place I hope you can embrace it and it can help you as much has it's helped me.

You need to give control of your finances to a friend or family member. It's the most important barrier you can have in place. Also don't be ashamed to tell people about your problems. I've got a lads day out at the football next week and they will all be in the bookies at part of the day so I will tell one of them to make sure they do it discretely and don't put me in a bad position. People may not understand our problem but they will generally be helpful. Telling your friends and family will help you, but ultimately it's your call. You must have someone you can talk to.

The good thing is that you are still on here. I am looking forward to hearing how you get on and hopefully seeing the days adding up for you!

all i know is i can't stop gambling on my own

ive tried that for long enough

so time for me to try something different

time for you to try something new?

It feels awful to go back to day 1 but you're still here and still determined. You can do this 🙂

Thanks guys. For now, I will try being more active on site. If I can be completely honest on here, that will be a huge start. I lied to myself for the longest time before admitting I have a problem. Just typing 'I am a compulsive gambler' makes me feel stronger.

I am in control of all family finances. I actually give pretty good advice and am completely sensible when not gambling. If I handed over control, I could still get access to money albeit through borrowing and I would have nuked my life for no progress. I need to develop routines that keep me away from betting; that is when this diary is going to come in. At least, I hope it will.

The urges were terrible today. Visited my dad who in the course of my visit bet on the horses, the rugby and formula one. The laptop was open in front of me and I came so close to placing a bet. I didn't. I find it difficult to watch sport without placing a bet or knowing the odds or the stats. What gets me about my father is for him it is just an interest. A fiver lasts a weekend. He wins some and loses some and never increases his stake regardless of wins or loses. I wish I was wired that way but I know I am not and I am starting to accept that.

Any way I made it to the end of day one. Tomorrow I will watch F1 without a bet then meet some mates for a movie and a pint. I will stay away from gambling.

Well done on not placing a bet yesterday. It is an achievement to have been strong and you must feel proud of yourself for doing that.

I totally understand where you are coming from about your finances. I am the same. To some degree that has been bad for me because I was able to hide all the gambling transactions. However, my husband is useless with money and trusts me to look after our finances.

I also understand why you don't want to confide in anyone in the real world. I did end up telling my husband and felt better for it but it took several glasses of wine to find the courage! Since telling him it hasn't been mentioned so I don't get any support from him! That's where coming on here and reading posts helps me and hopefully I can help others at the same time. There is loads of support on here and the best thing is that everyone is in the same boat. We all have different things that we gambled on (for me it was online slots) but the underlying reason for being here is the same.

Stay strong and keep coming on here and posting whenever you feel the urge to gamble.

You can do it! x

So, a slightly belated plus one (couldn't get the site to load last night) makes day two complete and day three well underway.

Meeting up with mates and doing normal things like beer and movies feels amazing. Can thoroughly recommend the new 300 movie for anyone seeking some escapism. I have come to realise that feelings of isolation and boredom are key triggers for me so it is all to the good.

Here's to a gamble free day.

Plus one and a bit puts me part way through day four.

Really twitchy today. My relapse ended with me withdrawing money from the online casino I was playing. I'm not saying I won, I just realised what I was doing and stopped. Today is the last day I could reverse that withdrawal and go back to chasing my losses. I am adamant I won't do it. I don't want to gamble but that does make the voices in my head pipe down.

Think it is time to lock the iPad and phone in a drawer and take myself off somewhere. If I sit here any longer I am going to go crackers.

Have a good day all.

Hi

I hope you do reverse the withdrawal. I know the feeling - restless and agitated. Sometimes my hands would tense up. All my thoughts consumed with gambling. They will pass. All this will pass if you stay gamble free. My life is so much better without gambling. Your really really need to get a blocker on your ipad.

Stay strong You can beat this

NoCrisis Hi...

Really feel for you, it's really hard when you get twitchy because you want it to stop but it keeps finding ways in there.

Online betting was my problem too, but horses, part of my recovery is banning anything to do with horses from the house. It's even that bad that when my dog runs he gallops like a horse and it reminds me of racing, so I begin to feel sick and desperate then. Sad really.

Gambling gets into your head and doesn't like to get out without a fight. Time does make it better, once you reach a week especially but those urges will still be there from time to time.

Physically you have the power not to do it, you just need to harness that and try to override the emotion and sense of winning it back.

The only way I could begin to get some resolve in all of this is to accept the money has gone, even then, it's really hard and I have moments over 3 weeks later.

Keep up the fight.

Thank you all for the support. Quick post to say I've made it to the end of the day with my withdrawal request intact. Feels good to know I didn't log back in and blow it.

The first fifteen minutes of day five feel pretty good. Night all.

Plus one makes six.

Today has felt easier. Busy day at work and night out (bowling of all things) to catch up with some mates.

I still worry about the lack of blocker on my ipad. Tried K9 but it stops links in emails opening and buggers up the functionality. At the moment I'm taking the low tech approach and locking it in my desk then leaving the building. Not much of a system but better than nothing.

Take care all.

Plus one makes seven.

Should really be enjoying the milestone of a week but having a minor meltdown instead.

Got an email today from the casino I used in my relapse to tell me my withdrawal has been suspended pending investigations into anomalies in my country of registration. I don't get it. They couldn't care less where I am when I am emptying my bank account. They gave no indication that there was an issue for all the days I could have reversed the withdrawal and now, when I have overcome the temptations and urges, they delay the withdrawal. They also do it on a Friday evening, deal only in business days so I can't get any kind of resolution until next week. I tried live help to resolve the query and they even gave me some deposit bonuses to read while they looked into my question. They really have no sense of what is appropriate or helpful. I could scream.

Keep positive and ignore the deposit bonuses! It's easy for me to say and hard for you to do. You've got this far so now you need to be strong and keep on going.

It's amazing how they can keep on taking your deposits but the minute you want to withdraw they start asking more questions. I hope you manage to get your money out without too many further hassles.

Think how great you will feel when the money goes back into your bank account instead of being drained away! xx

I'm climbing the walls again today. The last thing I needed was last nights communications with an online casino. It has me as twitchy as I have ever been. I know there will be no resolution to the withdrawal issue over the weekend but I am thinking about it all the time. That means I am thinking about gambling and it is Saturday so there is about a million things I could put a bet on. I can't seem to concentrate on anything else. I went for a walk this morning and couldn't even tell you my route I was thinking so much about having a bet.

I stopped gambling mid splurge. I was feeling really proud of the fact I was withdrawing and getting my b**t back on site to restart the count. I'm now feeling cheated and wondering what was the point. I hate the way this addiction make me feel. Stupid, stupid gambling!