One Plus One Plus One Plus ...

So I have calmed down a little. On reflection, I need to use the situation to advance my recovery not hinder it. I am a compulsive gambler and that means every aspect of gambling be it winning, losing, playing or just watching will drive me to distraction. This situation where I may potentially lose my withdrawal on a technicality has to make me stronger. Has to convince me not to give the bookies and the casinos the satisfaction of me blowing it all on another splurge. This experience needs to be one more reason why I will not give in to my addiction ever again. The entire set up is designed to make sure the punter loses. I will never beat those odds; I must abstain.

Plus one makes day eight and what doesn't kill me makes me stronger.

Hi NoCrisis - So glad you are feeling better after the withdrawal fiasco. As you say, something like that can be used to your advantage in showing how two-faced these gambling sites are - all sweetness and light in order to get hold of your money and then turning nasty when you want it back. It's an insidious business which thrives on our vulnerabilities. Early on in my postings I mentioned one of my personal strategies for trying to quell any urge to gamble - a picture in my mind of the TV ad bookmaking boss *** living the millionaire high life - provided by poor saps like us. NO MORE!!

Have a nice Sunday and well done on reaching Day 9.

Thank you also for your nice comments on my Diary.

Best wishes

Joanna

Plus one makes nine. Long day; time for bed.

So, Day 10 was spent wrangling with the online casino who have finally agreed to reinstate my withdrawal. The bad news is it is subject to normal withdrawal rules which means I have the option to reverse it for the next 72 hours. This will be a real test of willpower but, as it is the difference between a manageable couple of hundred loss and a problematic thousand, I am determined to get it back in my bank accout.

It was odd being on a casino site without being in that red mist state of a relaspe. I was looking at my transaction history and could see laid out in front of me the conflict between logic and compulsive gambling. On at least a dozen occasions I made a withdrawal and reversed it. My attempts to stop gambling were short lived, pathetic even. After an hour or a day I was back playing and losing again. I was pretty disgusted to note that at one point in my relapse I was two grand up. When I think of the dent in the mortgage or the holiday that could have paid for I get that old familiar sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. What is most shocking is when I was betting I didn't even realise I was ahead. Whoever says we cannot win because we cannot stop is dead right. When I gamble it is about the spin or the pick not the event itself. In that zone I would probably bet on the proverbial two raindrops on a pane of glass.

Just a few more days and I can put my relapse behind me and get on with everything else life has to offer.

Hi NoCrisis - Good news about the withdrawal being sanctioned at last, but not so good that you will have to wait three days. But you can do it! How about thinking of a little treat for yourself once the money is safely in your bank account. As sure as eggs is eggs you won't be getting a treat via the gambling site!

I know exactly what you mean about seeing your transaction history and wondering about your state of mind at the time - I think it must be down to a brain malfunction - a sort of trance-like state in which logical thought disappears. I can remember some late night sessions when I had reversed a withdrawal and just wanted it to disappear. It never occurred to me to stop and bank at least £50 - no, I just kept on until I had reached £0. Baffling.

Best wishes for the next few days.

Joanna

Plus one and a bit gets me to day twelve. Have to say, I am enjoying being back in double figures.

Yesterday was a pretty clear day urges wise. I thought I might be twitchy after having to deal with the casino so worked late then met a friend for a couple of drinks just to keep me out of harms way. I barely gave gambling a thought.

Only two more days and I'll have my withdrawal. Just as well really because I'm about to go overdrawn. I didn't really need an extra incentive but that will work.

Wishing everyone a good, gamble free day.

So tomorrow I finally get to put my relapse behind me. My bank account won't look brilliant but it will be manageable. I will have to juggle some funds and I will have to hide the bank statement but I am determined to make this the last one that goes in the shredder before my other half catches a glimpse. I am looking forward to not having to intercept the mail and no more sitting all night with the iPad on my knee. My family deserves far more attention than they get when I am gambling or consumed by the interception/ destruction of evidence or even the last few days spent fretting about pending withdrawals.

I wish I understood why I miss gambling so much when I try to abstain.

Gambling means so many conflicting things to me, none of them productive, and yet I miss and crave them when I quit. I will never understand how something can bore me and excite me at the same time. There have been splurges when I just wanted to get the losing over and done with so that I can get on with my life. Being bored and yet not being able to stop is just crackers. When I think of the hours lost thinking the universe owns me a win or a feature or a miracle. Then there is the plotting and sneaking around to cover it up which is terrifying and an adrenaline rush at the same time. It is no wonder that so many compulsive gamblers have issues with their nerves and trouble sleeping.

I can't relax just yet but I am looking forward to some time soon when I can. Only prolonged abstention can bring me that peace. My longest stint is three months clean. Here's to beating my record and not starting over ever again.

Night all.

Plus one and a bit makes it early day fifteen.

Saturdays are always tough but so far not too twitchy. Reconnecting with old friends means exposing myself to the fact that they do gamble recreationally, especially today. Not sure I'll stick it out at the pub. Plan B is taking myself off to a movie on my own and letting the rest of the world get on with it. I have a notion for something silly, in 3d, with monsters.

Have a good day folks and stay strong.

You are actually stronger than you think. I just whizzed through your diary, read every page. I see and feel that you are fighting the urge every single minute that you know that reversal and money can be used to gain a little more. I can hear your voices in your head saying i will just gamble a little bit and make about 50 to a 100 more and cash out. But you didn't let the voice win. This is really strong, so well done. I am writing on so many peoples diary and the reason is i'm weak i need everybody's help can;t do it alone. I want to fully understand why i can hurt myself and family for a short while when i don't even enjoy the gamble anymore. I am here writing this waiting for my urges to come as hard as yours has, but it isn't here yet.. i know it's gonna hit soon i just hope i am as strong as you were.

Well done NoCrisis

CasinoRoyaLoser.

Thanks CasinoLoser. Plus one makes sixteen. To be honest, I try not to think too far ahead. Tomorrow may be more difficult or much easier but by concentrating on not gambling today I don't feel too overwhelmed.

It occurred to me yesterday whilst watching the trailer for the new Marvel movie, Captain America, that despite sports being the bet I'm most interested in, I find slots the most difficult to avoid and forget. I can prepare myself for sports. Today I will watch F1 and have already steeled myself to this being a race weekend and I don't have a bet. Slots catch me out because the game themes are part of every day life. Kids videos, movies, tv shows that I will forever associate with gambling. Casper ain't quite so friendly after the feature on a ten pound stake returns £2.55. My first win that got me hooked was a Marvel jackpot. I think it is often these everyday innocent encounters that trigger thoughts of gambling.

Anyway another day is well underway and feeling pretty good so far. Stay strong folks.

Plus one makes seventeen...

Pretty good day today. No major urges. I've been looking at holiday options and far more enjoyable ways of spending my hard earned cash. Land, sea and no internet signal; sounds like heaven.

Plus quite a few makes day 23.

I'm feeling a little deflated today. I've spent the last three days hiding from my addiction. Part of me wishes I had faced the race weekend head on and been stronger. Instead I ran away. A short break in an internet free cabin in the *** seemed like the perfect solution but I feel like I cheated. I'm down because I know I can't run away from every battle and that makes me feel a relapse is inevitable. That said, I don't want to relapse.

I guess this is the gambler in me looking for the usual quick fix. I want to win, to feel better right away. Wish I could accept that isn't going to happen. I know really that only by abstaining day at a time over the long haul will make me any kind of winner. Next up tomorrow.

Hi NoCrisis - I don't think your heading off to the *** to avoid temptation is a cop-out, far from it - you used a strategy which worked.

The fact that you planned this shows your strength of purpose - in 'the bad old days' you would probably have cancelled your trip and spent the weekend in front of the TV or at the bookies. So give yourself a pat on the back - you will defeat this!

Joanna

Thanks Joanna. I guess I wish I felt stronger about things at times.

Good couple of days. No major urges to report. Best wishes to all.

This week has got away from me a bit but happy to say being insanely busy has kept the urges at bay.

Plus two makes Day 28. Onward....!