online slot stupidity

Hey guys, it's been a while since I last posted and I have had no urges to gamble at all over the past month. My partner and I even decided to remove K9 from my computer after I kept recieving notifications that it had become corrupt. I didn't need it anymore anyway, I could control myself now.

I went on a fantastic 24 hour all inclusive holiday to Antalya the other week which I took full advantage of and when I got back I realised I was fast approaching 3 months of gambling abstinence - Hurray !! Everybody was congratulating me on my progress and I felt great about myself.

So today at the 3 month mark....what better way to reward myself than to have a quick play online ? - Stupid I know, but I wanted to test myself. I wanted to know how I would handle it mentally.

Would I be able to control myself now?

Would I still experience the profound physiological changes I used to experience - the rapid heart beat, the highs and lows or would I feel emotionless?

Would I be able to set a limit and stop this time?

Would I still be supported after a lapse?

Well, as I logged on I felt really mischievous like I was rebelling - I had my chatterbox telling me that nobody needs to know. This can be my own private bit of fun - my secret.

My heart began to race as I deposited. Just let me experience the bonus again one last time I pleaded.... but as quickly as my balance appeared, it disappeared - gutted!

Ok, just one more deposit, i'm not leaving til i've had the bonus, I clutch a cigarette as I tell myself I only have to get £60 now and i'll be level.

o*g, lost it.... now realisation that i'm not at all in control. Yes it's been 3 months, but can I now be a controlled online gambler - clearly not.

I reach for another cigarette as I deposit again, smaller amounts than last time, but each one is adding up. Now I have spent £100 and i'm starting to feel nauseous, I get the bonus and feel optimistic - £6 back.....I can't leave yet and take a £94 loss, so I have to continue - what happened to my £10 deposit? how did it esculate yet again? ... I light another cig and so it goes on.

Eventually, I realise i've deposited a total of £175 and I feel like crying....until suddenly I have it all back, plus more.

I withdraw and realise that I will never be in control and now is the time to come clean.

So I called my fella and told my close family and then came on here to tell you guys. This is my recovery, there will be no secrets - just complete honesty.

Although i'm devastated that I had this slip after 3 months of abstinence, I will not beat myself up - I have made progress and that progress cannot be undone. I taught myself a valuable lesson today and will not let one setback pull me back into those dark, dark days. I have been met with a lot disappointment by my immediate family, but that's understandable - they had a faith in me that I squandered, but I will regain it and this time I aim for 4 months !!!

Onwards and upwards !!

Hi Chan,

Oh my god... How many times have I done that in the past...

"i'll just test myself..."

I'm absolutely convinced that its just that devious thing know some times as our brains playing tricks on us... Sort of subconciously giving us a justification to have another little .play. this is what always gets me in the end when ever I try and quit smoking. I'll go a few weeks the BAM! Test failed... Smoking again.

Like you said though... Don't be to hard on yourself... Dust off and start again. You know what works and you now know the dangers of taking the problem too lightly. I know you won't do that again.

Well done for your honesty. I for one would never judge you for your mistakes.

Take it easy

X

Wow! Fantastic post Chan, and I mean that in such a genuine, positive way. That post was like watching a new reality TV show, "Dancing with the Devil on Ice on a Skateboard Blindfolded Juggling Knives"!

I know I am being light hearted, but that was the most courageous thing you have done there. You are a braver girl than me to post that, as if I had have slipped to the online stuff again, I simply would be crushed and the seven months of work would be out of the window. And crushed would be an understatement.

See it not as a slip, see it as an achievement. There must have been a point in time where all the cravings of chasing kicked in again, where all the rational thoughts go and you just need "it", even though you do not know exactly what "it" is that you need. And you had the honesty, and total temerity to say to this thing - "uh uh, no way no how are you making me do this again"!

Wow, very very proud of you. Still three months clean IMO. But please, that reality TV show should be left to the depths of Channel 5, don't watch it again.....

Keep strong hun.

N xxxxxxx

Just want to reinforce what I said above. If you think you've slipped, tell us about it and we will all try to help.

We are missing you, well I certainly am, and I think we all are missing your posts, positivety and I truly pray and hope it's just your business thats keeping you occupied!

Let us know how you are doing sweetheart, no matter what. Please.

N xxxxx

Hey everyone,

I fell back into all the old traps of online gambling, chasing losses and putting myself through the usual emotional trauma that comes with it. So why would I do that after a full 6 months of abstinence ??

Everything was going great, I didn't have any thoughts of gambling and thought I was doing amazing with my recovery. This feeling was further endorsed by my counsellor who said I had come a very long way and perhaps we should stop having our sessions.

Since these were Gamcare counselling sessions and our talks now barely touched on gambling and were more a weekly offloading of everyday problems, I agreed that there wasn't much more support I could be offered. I had this compulsion under control and was feeling positive.

Then I got burgled and amongst other things, two laptops were stolen. I was obviously devastated and I put in an insurance claim, I told them that I ran my own business which invalidated the claim for my computer, and couldn't claim for my partners computer either as he doesn't live with me. I was fuming and decided we deserved a holiday. Whilst away I was reading magasines showing how people had won thousands on different bingo sites and it planted a seed in my head (ironic really since I posted a while back about how these 'winners' would be tomorrows losers) but that mindset went out of the window unfortunately.

So when I got back from holiday at the end of february, I bought myself a new laptop and the first thing I did was join a bingo site. At first it was just a bit of a flutter, but it didn't take long before I was gambling again uncontrollably.

In the past four days alone I have lost over £1,700. I joined a site on monday and deposited £100 with a 200% match bonus and thought it'd last ages, but it was gone within about half an hour. No problem, I get a 50% bonus on my second deposit, so I deposited another £100 and in less than ten minutes that was gone. That was a total wagered of £450 and you would think that would have taught me a lesson.

Well, I really wish I could tell you it had .... the following day I lost another £400, so £600 gone in total. My head is telling me at this point I should quit, but also I have another voice telling me that this site owes me, it can't take, take, take, it has to pay me something back?

I checked my emails and had been given a £50 Easter bonus if I wager £50... Right this is last chance saloon, if I don't win off this then I stop... this is my rationale, but of course we all lie to ourselves and as i'm a compulsive gambler I cannot stop after that first £50, in fact I continue in utter chasing mode, upping my bet in an attempt to recoup losses and quit. The end result is another £900 down the drain and multiple phone calls from different bank accounts trying to ascertain whether my card was being fraudulently used. Afterall, who in their right mind would make so many gambling transactions in one day? Well me, I did in complete desperation, I even continued the next day, losing a further £300.

Now I am struggling to accept these losses and walk away but I know from past experience that this is what needs to be done to get back on the right path.

So, I have reinstalled K9 on my new computer. I wrote down a random set of numbers and letters as my password and then verified them before destroying the paper they were written on. This measure and this forum should be enough to keep me from going back again.

Obviously, i'm completely disappointed in myself as I shouldn't have let complacency set in and will be mourning the loss of my cash for months to come, but at least I know from past experience that these feelings do fade in time and now I just need to stay focused and determined. I've done it before, I just need to do it again and above all never give up on giving up.

On a positive note, I should be getting my models own nail crackle in the post in a few days lol. The most expensive nail polish in history.

Chan xx

Have you thought about self-excluding?

NT

Hi Nearlythere,

Thanks for the prompt response, but now i've put the block on which I did when I was feeling the most vulnerable, I can't self exclude. Plus, when the problem is gambling online I think that's only a short term solution as there are literally thousands of bingo sites out there that I could join should I have the urge to gamble again.

Today has been difficult, I've had so many urges to just wager another £20, but I can't. Frustrating, but necessary !!

Just gonna spend the rest of the night on here and take it an hour at a time xx

Day 2 of non gambling. So far so good, my daughter and Partner have nipped out to the Cinema and i've stayed at home in order to update my diary and catch up on a bit of work.

Ordinarily I would have been in my element and would have excitedly logged on to one of my favourite sites and started spinning away, fuelled with eternal optimism. I would never contemplate the risk and the chance that I may lose, even though that was generally the end result .

Was thinking about those last 4 days I spent pointlessly clicking hundreds and hundreds of pounds away, feeling nauseous yet completely desperate to at least get even. I wonder why I kept going back, nobody seemed to be enjoying the site. In chat they were all saying it was a con and never paid out, so why were the same people still there the following day?

They say it's intermittent reinforcement that keeps us addicted, but I wasn't even getting that. I mean, £900 and my biggest win during that entire session was less than £50. That's hardly enough to keep us enticed is it?

Personally, I think the 'chat' is a very powerful reinforcer. You read of other players getting extremely lucky and you want to be posting your own success story. The jealousy, greed and competitiveness that this evokes is enough in itself to keep you depositing.

Also, and mainly it's the fact that the site 'owes' you that keeps you going back time after time. You have pent a large quantity of time and money in pursuit of that big win and you're not gonna leave until you get it. I think it was this stubbornness that was my downfall.

Anyhow, what's done is done and I can question myself all day long but it won't get me anywhere. I think the hardest thing to do is to turn your back on your losses. I've done it before and I will do it again.

I would also like to give myself a bit of credit because during my last session on slots I saw someone mention they had lost £150. When I replied that I had lost approximately £1700 over the past 4 days, their pretentious response was 'Get yourself over to Gamcare !!!'

Well that is good advice that I have taken on board. My response now to that arrogant guy is ... you can carry on losing £150 per session and thinking your in control, whilst I start winning everyday by not gambling !!

Chan x

Hi Chan,

So sad to see you have had to come back, but so glad you felt you could.

Sounds like you have put yourself through it a bit in the last few months.

Really well done for stopping again. I'm sure it took a lot of guts to come back after being away for so long.

Guess it is a warning to all of us that complacency in recovery is possibly our biggest danger.

You clearly know where you have gone wrong, and what has worked before, and full credit to you for learning from your successes and failures to get straight back into recovery.

My advice to you will has not changed from the first time you posted.

Keep yourself excluded or blocked. Keep posting and most of all, never forget why it is that you can not gamble.

I can't remember if it is something that you tried before or not, but have you considered councilling? It's something I played with a bit this year, and it has helped me put a lot of elements of my life into perspective.

Anyway, like I said... really sorry to see you back, but really happy you are... if that makes any sense at all. 🙂

SA

Hi SA.

So nice to see that you're still here also, you helped me immensely when I first quit and I will never forget your advice to me, that is why I put the block straight on this time. I remember making excuses originally because I just wanted to limit myself, yet still play and my situation got a whole lot worse. So if anything I've learnt that if it's worth doing, it has to be done properly 🙂

I will have to find your diary and have a bit of a catch up on it tonight.

I agree with you that councilling is really effective. I must have done about 9 months of councilling, and we agreed around the beginning of February that I had made excellent progress and there were no thoughts any more regarding gambling. Seems a bit surreal that a month later I was back at it.

She is due to contact me in august to arrange a meeting to see how i'm coping 6 months on. I'm going to wait and see how I go from now until then, hopefully by that point this will all be 4 months behind me.

Chan xx

Day 3, spent the morning listing items on a well known auction site that have been cluttering up the house. Not feeling great, in fact feeling quite down, but I suppose the longer I go, the more chance I will have of seeing an increase in my mood. On a positive note, I know I made the right choice putting that block on, as despite my heavy losses, I know I would have still gone back for more.

Chan x

Day 4, finding it hard to motivate myself, but it's no use wallowing in self pity, I just need to get over it. I still have money in the bank, things could have been a hell of a lot worse if i'd have continued. But then the other side of my brain is trying to convince me that maybe I could have made some of my losses back. I've already dealt with this mental turmoil once and it just frustrates me that I turned my back on all the progress I made and went back, anyhow, need to ride the storm and sort my head out. The fact is that gambling is not an option now, so why am I still tormenting myself ??

Hope to be a little more positive next time I post!

Chan x

Just checking in, it's day 5 and my daughters 10th birthday and she was over the moon with her new laptop 🙂 - thank God I bought it before my latest gambling binge. Thought i'd get my work out of the way early morning so I could spend the day with her, but friends are much more exciting lol.

Anyway, have got a fair bit done in the form of advertising and I pray that it actually pays off.

Very few gambling thoughts today which has surprised me a little - I guess the key is to keep busy !

Chan xx

I wish I had read your post before sunday the 15th of April when I relapsed and went into the bookies and ended up losing over £900. I want to stay gamble free from now on as I know that even if I win alot of money Its going to end up in a huge loss.

Feeling really negative at the moment, as despite everything I still went back - FGS !! Why am I so weak???

I'm aware now that my attempts at quitting are becoming a bit of a joke and I can't seem to make make it past about 4-5 days.

I had to take K9 off my computer yet again because it was causing issues. It worked perfectly well with my old computer but now gives me endless problems. Instead of looking for another block, I went straight back into gambling mode and have lost about another grand which I cannot afford to lose.

I am so so sick of that sick feeling, why do I constantly feel the need to live my life on the edge? Why, after the first £100 goes in am I desperately just trying to get even again? Wouldn't it be better to just not start in the first place?

My self esteem is now at rock bottom and I can't seem to move forward. My mate came round the other day and with the use of a bit of emotional blackmail, I allowed her to do what was right for me and put another block on both mine and my daughters computer.

So, up to yesterday I was back on day 4. Then the urges kicked in and I tried and tried to access the sites on my computer to no avail. Then I tried on my daughters and yeahhhhhh I could play again. How can one piece of software be so effective in one instance, yet utterly useless in another ?

I have told my partner yet again and he has password protected my daughters computer, but this can only be a short term solution. I would easily be able to bribe her when I feel desperate to gamble again and I know that time will come. So tonight, I am going to get him to reinstall the software and test every avenue whilst he is there. I am utterly fed up of all of this now and I need to have access completely denied, because sad as it is, I have zero willpower.

How many day 1's can one person have before completely losing their sanity? I seriously need to move on from this, but i'm losing faith in myself now. Any support would be much appreciated xx