Online slots are the work of the devil.

What can I say? I can empathise with how you're feeling. Another kick **** lesson learnt. Hopefully this one will show you once and for all that we have to give up. Admit defeat and accept we have to get that bet filter back on for us to stay sane. You can do it. Turn the page, dust yourself down, give yourself a hug and begin a new chapter. Our mental health is so important. Needless to say we feel so much better without Mr G in our lives. It's up to you to give this book a happy ending. Put the last few days behind you. If you need the help of blocks that's fine. Don't worry about always feeling like this, the future will take care of itself and remember, it can only get better by staying gf. Sending you a hug. You can do it because you deserve a better future!!!! x

Hi fluffy cat.

I know your pain right now - been there, done that and understand just how you will be feeling right now. In a way, this is good - meaning that you are so not happy with what you have done. You may have felt differently if you had won however but most of us on here, know only too well that when we win, it is merely just a loan for us to bet some more.

I echoe all the above in Little Misses post. Move on, tomorrow is a new day - whether that be day 1, 50 or 500! We all face a new day and it is up to us what we do with it.

Take care, chin up and start the ball rowling once more. Thinking of you.

Our Lady

Awc Fluffycat I know how you feel, I have tried so many times on my own to quit and go days, sometimes weeks then as a 'treat' think "£20 doesn't matter" which would then result in ne emptying my bank account. Then having the gambling hangover for the next however long. Wise words from Our Lady, there is no point dwelling on debt, although last night I tortured myself over what if, what if!!! But today is new and we all deserve a fresh start and we'look all get to where we want to be eventually. Big hugs Sharon

Thank you, beautiful ladies for your very kind words. I feel so low today which is not at all like me. A part of me is angry at myself and the other part of me is angry at the industry for making it so easy to lose our hard earned money so easily. The stupid thing is that I can see the pattern in the game that I usually play.........I bet £30 and within a matter of a few spins I'm up to about £70. Obviously I'm to greedy to cash in at that point, and the adrenaline is only just kicking in, so I lose a few more spins, then I can maybe get up to £100, or £200 if lucky....but of course, then I think it's my lucky day, so I'll keep going. By this point I'm in a trance and back to my original £30 before I know it, so I keep going, just in case. The next thing, I have zero pounds, so I think I'll just add another £30. The pattern repeats itself, but this time I win less, so I chase for a higher win. Repeat this cycle daily about ten times over for 3 days and before you know it, about £700 down the pan. Why why why why why do I think of gambling as a "reward" for myself and why do I ever think that I can stop at a £30 bet???? I KNOW all of this, and yet once a month, or maybe more or less than this, I go on these ridiculous spending frenzies that I'm trying to gain thousands from and yet the opposite happens.

I am on annual leave today, and I've become preoccupied with the fact that I won't be able to afford my own home for at least 7 years. I know I'm so lucky that I have parents so let me stay here with my son, but it's not my own home and I don't have my own privacy. I know that I have to accept that luck isn't going to fall into my lap, and that I'll never win the lottery or ever have a big win on any single gambling game, but sometimes the reality is a bit too much to bear. I'm sure I'll be fine tomorrow. We all have our down days. I will have to find something to take onto Dragons Den to make me thousands, because it certainly won't be happening on my nurses salary. !!

I wish all three of you the very best, and thank you so much for your kind words and support. Suz xxxx

And now, as if things couldn't get much worse, I got an email on my birthday from a gambling website and, after a few drinks thought "why not" . The next day I calculated that I didn't have enough money to even buy food for the month. I cried and cried and cried. Gave myself a good slap around the face and then wondered how much worse it could get. I hadn't got around to putting my blocks in place because I was so sure I wouldn't be that stupid again - but then that bloody email got me thinking about game king again when it was the furthest thing on my mind up until that point.

I applied for more payday loans but now my credit history is so bad that I couldn't be accepted for one with 1,000% interest !!!!! What is WRONG with me ??? I had birthday money in cash and I was so meticulously careful about spending it, and then I went and wrecked it all the same night with "pretend" money online. I NEVER buy myself anything without thinking about it ten times over and having to justify why I need it, but gambling money seems so different- " ahhh, what's £50 it doesn't matter".

I would NEVER spemd £50 on myself in one go.

Today, after thinking what the hell I was going to do, the only thing I could think of was to call step change and see if I could put my DMP on hold for one month. I was a bit of a wreck on the phone. They agreed that they wouldn't take this month's £394 payment, so at least I can live for a month. I cam off the phone and cried and cried and cried at my own stupidity and for being so blasГ© to think that I didn't need to rush to put my blocks in place. I then grabbed my iPad and turned on the restrictions with some random code so that I can never use safari. I did the same on my iPod, just in case I have another STUPID moment of entire ridiculous nonsensical bloody mind blowingly XXXX that gambling is EVER a good idea or is fun in anyway at all.

I have cried and hated myself enough today enough so I am going to dust myself down and try YET AGAIN to get through this. If I read this diary and it was some one else I would be thinking "for xxxx sake you stupid woman, when are you ever going to learn, just stop". But it is a serious mental mind screwer that seems to possess me and others like myself. I KNOW ihave been stupid, and I know I've done well in the past, and I know I've done badly lately. I just pray that I can kick this evil illness once and for all.

That's what it is - a mental illness in an otherwise sane, rational, happy person. Deep breaths. No more crying. No more self hate. I can do this.

Oh fluffycat,
Who are we to judge, it could easily be any one of us.
No more crying, no more slapping, no more self-hate.
You've had a terrible day and I bet you're exhausted.
The only way is to make it impossible for ourselves to gamble and build our strength back up again.
I'm feeling stronger today than I have for a while so I'll send you some of my strength wrapped up in a great big hug.
Don't dwell on it now, you've done all you can. Beating yourself up won't change what's happened.
Today is what's important. Today will turn into tomorrow, bringing with it a brighter future. I believe that you can do this!! xx

Fluffycat. Sending you a huge hug - so glad to hear you have got those blocks in place now and stepchange are not going to take payment this month - having no food/money just sucks.

Tomorrow will be better I'm sure. Hope you have a good night's sleep.

Take care of yourself.

Our Lady

Hi fluffycat,

Having rea through your posts, I can say that you are very strong person who and doesn’t give up. However, when you are dealing with an addiction it can feel like a losing battle as urges can be very strong too. It’s great that you use blocking software but you also need to address the emotional side of this problem. We provide helpful advice through our Helpline / Netline so I would like to encourage you to get in touch with us and speak to an advisor. We also provide free counselling sessions that can help you with your recovery. There is a lot of support available, so don’t struggle on your own.

Best wishes,

Forum Admin

Hey fluffycat...I've just read your story....like you i fell prey to online slots....but if fun to start with...fast forward to full blown addiction....I tried many a time to quit before I landed here...before I was maybe ready to really want to fight...I don't know...it's all such a complex condition which effects every aspect of our lives...it manages to entwine itself into our brain and convince us we can't live without those slots....
We can....you can....
Tighten up those barriers...I blocked broadband from gambling sites....simple...but very effective....give the helpline a call...again...counselling for me understanding so much about my addiction....it really helped me get going.....do whatever it takes...
Your recovery is up to you love...sending you lots of strength to fight x

Your quiet hun ..hope all's well

Thanks for your concern. I simply haven't come on here because it reminds me of gambling. If I don't come on here, I don't even think about it. I hope that makes sense. I have just signed up for the Cardiff half marathon so I am focusing on running, not gambling. I have had an amazing month full of having money in my pocket. My blocks are in place and I'm happy. There's more to life than pressing "spin" after all x

Day 36 AGAIN

PLEASE don't let me be silly EVER again. Blocks are working great right now. Gambling will not screw me over . No way

I'm rooting for you, you can do this!!! Stay GF and take care S 🙂

Day 50......all blocks in place and no urges. Must continue like this. Good luck all xxx

Whoop!! Nice one, congratulations on 50 days S x