Hi everyone
Decided to start my own recovery diary as having read so many of your over the past 7 days its been such a godsend to learn that I am not alone, not the only idiot suckered into the world of online gambling and casino marketing.
I posted a bit about myself over the weekend, I've been playing online slots for 2-3 years now having started with what i thought was harmless bingo! Dont know what led me to the lots but no doubt someone posting about a big win on the bingo chat window!
I'm a secret gambler being cursed with too much idle time and nothing to do, no-one knows about this addiction or that I am £££'s in debt and terrified of not being able to climb out of the hole that I have dug with my own stupid hands.
Last week I decided enough was enough after having some direct debits returned for the first time ever, shocked me to the core and I decided I had to turn things around. Found this site and have been hungrily reading ever since. I've installed blockers on my desktop, still need to do Ipad but I need to figure out how that one works, self excluded from every casino I have active accounts with and booked and attended my first counselling session last night.
Counselling was good, still seems strange to hear the words come out of my mouth as I'm used to hiding and the counsellor was lovely at just listening and guiding discussion. I cried there and on the drive home I cried again, first time I have been able to do this and had to take a long route home so that my eyes and face did not show any signs that I had been crying...hiding again it seems!
Thankfully I've not had any urges to gamble, the thought sickens me now, but I know those will come... but right now I dont have any money to do so, dont know how I will cover this months expenses and the biggest challenge of telling my husband still lies ahead of me.
I have made a deal with myself that I need to tell him by my next counselling session, but it feels like the last thing I want to do right now. He's cheery tonight after weeks of being laid low by this horrible respiratory virus doing the rounds and I just cant bring myself to....I've been so reassured by how many on here had received unexpected support from partners and hope that I have the same, but until I do it, I just dont know!
I've done a Stepchange assessment online and bizarrely it seems to think I should continue as I am....I was hoping that a DMP would be a way forward, but I guess my high earnings suggest that I can afford the repayments that are crippling me.
I called about a secured loan today but couldnt get past the first step without husbands consent as we are joint owners of the property.....anyway this is I think day 5 GF for me and I feel strong in my belief that for now gambling holds no appeal and I need to focus my attention in telling my husband and getting to grips with my debt.
Hi pam firstly forget about taking out a secured loan.
I'm unsure what the state of your debts are but give stepchange a call. I'm sure they will be able to help. If not there's a company called aperture there probably better than stepchange try speaking with them.
What ever you do don't secure the debt to your mortgage you will pay through the nose in the long run.
Next there never is a good time to tell anyone you're a gambaling addict and you have x amount of debts. But the pressure it takes away is unbelievable.
You'll need as much help as possible if you're to fight addiction.
Work out a plan of action put it in place. And don't look back
All the best for now
Deano
Thanks Deano, I'll look into that. Are they a free service with no fees like Stepchange?
Thanks Deano, I'll look into that. Are they a free service with no fees like Stepchange?
Yay into double digits GF, feels like way longer but suspect thats because I started coming on here a good few days before I was able to walk away from the enticing offers!
Today I told my husband, keeping the deal I made with myself to tell him before my next counselling session tomorrow.He's shocked and seems more interested in me giving him assurances that this stops now and won't get any worse, which in a way I guess is good, but there is complete absence of curiosity as to how this started and how to help me avoid triggers. Somewhat rejecting of the idea of counselling to help me explore triggers, feels counselling should be more debt advice about how to get out of the hole I've dug....maybe its a man thing, or maybe he is afraid that it will uncover deep issues for us that I will need to face up to and resolve...
He's gone out for a run to try and get his thoughts straight and right now although I know he is dealing with shock, I don't know if I was right to tell him because I got preached to about the value of money/dangers of credit....and really its not about the money is it???
More later perhaps..
Hi Panders. No matter how hard it is I think telling him can only be a positive for you in yourself. I know I felt total relief when I finally told my fella. The aftermath is so difficult right now but hopefully this will get easier. I totally understand how you feel my partner is only interested in talking about the money and how I've created a mess for us financially. I guess that's maybe all they can see though and perhaps we can't blame them for that. Time is a great healer as they say and hopefully we can get through this. Well done on your days of gamble free. X
Hi Panders,
I think you did the right thing by telling him. You are almost certainly right about it being 'a man thing' (speaking as a man) and he is probably being supportive in the best way he knows how. Blokes are 'fixers' and, if there's a problem we tend to look at a practical way of solving it. I do it with my wife all the time, she has a problem at work and I'm talking about a change of career, a meeting with the boss etc. when all she wants is reassurance and hug (but I mean well).
VERY well done on double figures 🙂 I'm closing in on a week GF and, I don't know about you, but I am already starting to think straighter.
I'll keep an eye on your diary, keep it up and make today a good GF day
Phil
Thanks so much for the support. Last 24 hours has been odd, I thought I would feel relief now that he knows, but I feel more ashamed than ever and part of me wants to run away and hide. I don't really want to be at home, all I want is a clean slate and I know I don't deserve that. He wants to take full control of my finances and I know this is a good option, but it also makes me feel so infantile and reinforces the loss of control and feelings of shame I have. I have different "fixes" to him too which is tricky but I know inside that I must n't kick against his solutions until he can see that I have made a serious effort to address this habit. I asked him why he was so rejecting of the idea of counselling and he said it was because we need to move forward not back.
Just checking in to say things are going well, we have a financial plan to clear "my" debts within 2 years and the icy atmosphere seems to be thawing, I've had no desire or interest to gamble at all and its Day 14 today. Hope everyone else is doing OK?
Counter says its 19 days and so far absolutely no urge to gamble. It still "feels" tricky at home, feels like a huge rift between me and my husband, which I cant help feel angry about as I told him because I needed the emotional support to start this journey and that feels like the very thing I have lost, but I have counselling...although that too was cancelled last night as counsellor is ill, but despite this lack of support the blocks are in place and I'm feeling strong. Tried to close a credit card account, first told I needed to settle the balance that was not showing as owed, did that, then told couldn't as I was now in credit so needed to call customer services to resolve, held on for 20 mins before getting a chap who said really sorry but there is no-one available totake you call so can we call you back tomorrow.....they really don't make it easy!
Hi Panders,
First time I've read your diary and all I can say is keep it going. You are doing all the right things.
I had to come clean to my wife for the second time back before Christmas and I am now in the process of finalising a debt repayment plan which will take 10 years to pay off. How on earth my wife is still with me I don't know, however like you I have taken all of the steps to show I will never gamble again.
I have my first counselling appointment tonight and I also attend GA, not sure if you've thought about it but I have been very pleasantly surprised at what I get out of it. I know you say your husband wants to move forward and not back however that may change as he'll be in shock I would think. My wife is going to get some counselling of her own as this is the second time I have had to admit to a problem and she needs some help to understand why I returned to something which almost destroyed us only 4 years ago.
Keep writing on your diary, I feel that helps, even if nobody is reading mine I feel like it's getting things out in the open, a good therapy.
Good luck in your recovery.
PA x
Hi Panders, just been reading some of your posts. In no. 5 you suggest that your husband may be afraid of counselling in case it "uncovers deep issues" that you will have to "face up to and resolve". Maybe that emotional distance has been there for a while? I know when I was gambling it helped me be emotionally independent...I pushed people away. Your gambling hasn't been a 5 minute wonder, you have been living a lie...your husband may well be wondering who he is married to. I think you have a couple of mountains to climb, gambling and rebuilding your relationship,the former is your own private challenge which can be undertaken alone, the latter, well that is for the two of you. Keep strong.
Rhoda's spot on. I would add re you feeling angry with him because he can't give you emotional support... that's not a fair expectation of him. When I found out, it was so devastating for me and the children that the last thing I was able or inclined to do was to prop up my husband, it was hard enough to prop up myself. Things can get better, they are for us but it's a long slow painful process that involves ongoing effort.
KOKO.
CW
KOKO??
Hi Panders. I understand what you mean that you feel angry about the emotional support. I feel the same with my fella. He is fine one day and then really mad and angry the next. However, I appreciate that this is all my own doing and I cannot expect him to just support me through this, when he is having to come to terms with what I have done, as i'm sure you do, however that doesn't stop us feeling that way. Whether it's good or bad it's important that you put all your thoughts on here, that is what a diary is for after all. It's going to take a long time for things to get better and they can and will if we continue on the right road. Well done on your gamble free days. They are on the flip side of this and done nothing wrong and that has got to be tough. I just hope we can work through it together. X
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