Pamela journey

Hi panders

Agree with the posters above about not expecting too much of your husband. You've known about the mess a long time and he's had it dropped on him out of the blue. It's a lot to process and expecting emotional support from him is very likely to be too big an ask. It would have been for me although I took on the practicalities as your husband is doing.

One thing rings an alarm bell for me - your talk of 'control' re the finances. I had that one from Mr L first time round and it didn't end well. Fact is it would be very unwise for your husband to trust you around money at the moment. Mr L has card access to the joint account which is kept at a nil available balance with a small OD limit to allow for anything legitimate he might want to do. I still see the receipts and he doesn't routinely carry cash.It's not infantilising. It's a protection for him and a reassurance for me. He actually finds it a relief not to have to think about money. If you could look at it that way it might help with your feelings around it.

Thanks so much everyone for your input

Proudarab: I did look into GA but they are 20 miles from me and on a Friday and Monday evenings and I cant see that working for me, as I've had no desire to gamble I dont see the need currently but I know where they are if I need to explore further. I think I'm worried about running into someone I know professionally as they are in the town I work in, and I know its all anon and supportive etc but that would cause me more concern that I need right now!

and everyone else....yes I agree, but the feelings are real and regardless of whether they are fair or justfied its good to be able to share them!

Hi Panders, how are things going? X

Thanks for asking, all good on the gamble free front thanks. Had my 3rd counselling session on Monday and and starting to unpick why I turned to gambling! At home things feel frosty and cold and there remains a lack of emotional warmth or support which sadly is why I told him, and I am still left wondering whether I did the right thing. We have a wedding anniversary in 9 days and are due to go away for the weekend and its the last thing I feel like doing given how cold things are between us 🙁 I keep telling myself its early days for him and will improve but it doesn't make for happy home life but thankfully I have my work to distract me!

Been a little while since I posted, nothing much to update, still GF and not feeling any urges, lovely not to be scared of logging into my bank account anymore and actually seeing money there! I am set to pay off another loan at the end of the month thanks to my husband taking over the household expenses so that I can focus on the debt! Weekly counselling continues which is a welcome opportunity to talk to one of just 2 people who know about my problem gambling.

Weekend away from tomorrow to celebrate wedding anniversary and while things remain stilted husband told me he was proud of me last week, which was great to hear!

Hi Panders. That's great to hear. Hope you enjoyed your weekend away. My situation is so similar to yours, my fella is also taking over the household expenses whilst I focus on my debt. Good to hear you are GF and going strong. X

Hi everyone, once again been a while since I posted, all going well on the gamblefree front,now 55 days without gambling. Lots going on in family as my darling sister and only sibling has been diagnosed with a brain tumour out of the blue and has had surgery in the last week to remove it, we are now in that anxious waiting pathology results stage and are expecting the worst but hanging on to some slim hope that its not malignant! Nothing like a cancer scare to bring things into perspective. My Mom has been staying with me so that she could access the hospital more easily, what brave women my Mom and sister are. These ghastly circumstances have however been a catalyst for turning things around for my husband and I as I was really struggling with the emotional distance which had resulted from my disclosure about my gambling and debt. Not even a comforting hug when we learned her diagnosis, but I was able to speak to him about it and thankfully he's been able to acknowledge this and respond more appropriately. Its clear that he feels he does not know who I am anymore...

I am really struggling with wanting to uproot myself and be there for my sister whatever the cost, but at the same time knowing I have at least a year of non stop working to pay off the debt. Hoping for the best but expecting the worst!

Hi panda

Just wanted to say I am thinking of you today. I have a sister, who I am extremely close to and who has supported me endlessy through my worst times of my life, due to gambling.

I hope you all get some positive news. Praying for you all.

Take care.

Our Lady.

Thanks so much, she has been discharged from hospital today, to my Mom's where she will rest and await news of what comes next. The thought of losing her is more than I could bare x

Hi Panders, so sorry to hear about your sister, but well done not escaping the reality by gambling again. How long do you have to wait for the results? You say it is clear that your husband feels he does not know who you are anymore, but is it not true that he didn't know who you were before. Now you have the chance to really know one another. I'm so pleased that you have felt a little more supported by him, communication is the key I think. Keep going, one day at a time .

Thanks Rhoda, we were told it could take up to a week, now that she is discharged I guess they will make an appointment for her to come back for the results but not sure? Thanks, communication has been difficult as he's shown no interest in talking about it although I am more than willing to do so....

Hi everyone, I know its been ages since I posted on here and thankfully thats not because I have relapsed at all, but because I have had a different focus following my sisters cancer diagnosis. Unfortunately it turns out that she has the most aggressive form of brain cancer and starts treatment on Tuesday, so i dont think I'll be around much. My counselling sessions ended a couple of weeks early as we both had the sense that I had acheived what I came to do but it was very helpful and I feel confident going forward. The debt is reducing nicely now that my income is being used ton pay it off rather than to gamble and I anticipate being debt free within the next 18 months which is a fabulous feeling. I'm angry with myself that my need to work is because of a situation I have created when I'd rather be able to spend those precious hours with my sister. However I am confident that this time next year I'll be in a position to be able to work fewer hours so that I can be with her, just need to hope that she copes well with the treatment and has the best outcome!

Bye for now

Panders is there any way you can reduce the payments for a while, so you can reduce work and support your sister? As you say, the hours are precious. Best wishes.

If only we could help, we would.
Thinking of you and your family.
Where there's treatment there's hope. Stay positive, sending you a bucketful of strength x

Thanks Rhoda, no sadly my job is all or nothing I can't do it part time so I either need to do nothing or continue as I am 🙁 not earning at all is not an option.