Quitting

I repeat my statement of earlier the end feelings are so depressional it's hard to cook, wash or make a cup of tea, but life will and has to go on, I will take some of the strength from people on this site and make it work for me this time, wherever you are out there Suzanne, Alan, Cynical Wife, Duncan Mc, & not forgetting James P, I need/want right now some of your determination. I will not bankrupt myself. Paul

Hi Paul - whatever we quantify as rock bottom is largely irrelevant- if you feel that it is time to stop then take heart from that fact alone. It is never easy but I assure you, with the support on here then it can be done. I am not the best qualified to advise but will simply remind you of the basics.

Every second of everyday, you make decisions and it is those decisions which determine your outcome. You cannot decide to stop gambling forever but you can decide to not gamble at any specific point. The more times you make that decision then longer you will be gamble free.

Secondly, get the barriers in place - all I need to say is time, money location.

Finally, take every bit of support you need - on here, GA, counselling.

It can be done and you know how hard it will be, but equally, you know the rewards that can achieved.

I wish you every success and In answer to your question - yes, you can be that person again but even wiser.

Take care

Scott

Thank you for commenting on my diary in my dark hour today. I am on day one and in a mess, I see you are too. I understand the cleaning bit as I look like I have been burgled !!!!

Please find the strength to end this torture. I will look out for you

Morning diary, slept till five, then the panic woke me, money issues, lies to my partner (we don't live together - she is independent in her own right), my kids, my aging parents, the future, my un-secure job, lies to my counsellor, my depression caused by all this gambling, no one to share the guilt and stupidity of this addication, it can be a lonely old life. But i can't turn the clock back, I chose to gamble, I know why and somehow I will have to live with what I have done - just need support, someone to talk to. Catch u later

For your own sake as well, stop lying? Including to yourself? Tell your partner and counsellor what's really going on?

Total honesty going forward might just be the extra thing that makes the difference.

CW

Hi Paul,

It sounds like you have been around and have a lot of info already. I am not one who easily offers advice because, I am somebody who has fallen down a lot along the way. You said that you want to be the person you were before you got yourself into this mess. I used to say the exact same thing to myself. I realized along the way that I should not want to be that same person I was because that was the person who got me into the mess in the first place. I went through the motions for years before I finally realized I had to change the person I was so that I wouldn't make the same mistakes over again. One of the things I have to change about me is the fear of reaching out to other diarists for fear of rejection. So here I am today taking that risk. Taking steps to make a change. I know you feel lousy right now but my guess is that you have felt this lousy before. This forum is here for you and me. Keep coming back. Keep putting you thoughts down. Keep pushing forward. Thinking of you today and willing you the courage to change the things you can. You can Paul. -joanxx

Well when you have no interest in watching your favourite sport (and your country is playing) you know something is wrong. I know I have reached rock bottom, it's taken 3 years of trying to quit, and I guess the only reason I have quit is because the funds are not there, I could go looking for loans - max a credit card, but I would never sleep again, as it is I can i can't sleep. I have put all barriers in place, it's over, life will be tough from now till I croak, there is no way I can really afford clothes going forward or holidays, if that sounds like crying, I am literally. But I am going into this recovery no matter how bad I feel, I will not go to my son's and ask for money or a roof over my head, I would rather eat lettuce leaves every night for tea, than give them my future worries - pride hey. If this is a rant, there are a lot more to come.

It's your responsibility to keep the roof over your head, not your son's. Think how he would feel if you asked for that. It would be an unfair burden for him so all credit to you for not going there.

It won't help you long term for someone else to do for you what you have to do for yourself ie to sort everything out for you. He can offer the right support with barriers etc., help you sort yourself out.

Stick with it. It gets better.

CW

Hiya Paul , Sorry buddy I saw you'd mentioned me in a post on Wed but I've been off the forum for a couple of day's and just logged back on .

Well your back and it doesn't sound pretty me old friend ? . Do you remember when you posted to me a few months ago and asked " Where did I get my motivation from " ? .

We were pretty similar in our stories of roulette and the Fobt machines but I'd managed to stop and stay stopped but you were still struggling , I could stand here typing and talk to you about the triangle , self exclusions and keeping everything broken until I'm blue in the face Paul but you know how that all works as youv'e been here before , they still apply as they afford you a bit of time to think but in all honesty there just obstacles that can be got around .

Soooooo ! , that just leaves you Paul and your gamblers mindset which has to really change and change now before this goes any further . I'm nothing special Paul , I haven't got a magic potion bottle that say's drink me everytime I felt the urge to gamble , all I realised I had to do was to commit to recovery , to totally accept that I can't win my past losses back , to just draw that imaginary line and let it all go , gambling beat me so hard into the ground just as it has with you but the difference was that I accepted the beating and I really had no wish to take on something that was going to give me a good kicking everytime we met, your still trying to win that fight Paul , taking beating after beating from something we simply cannot beat .

Youv'e tried this time and again Paul , reapeating the same thing and hoping for a big win to make it all better , look around at the diarys on here , the only people that are truly happy are the ones that have taken back control of thier live's , it's not an easy thing to do and It's always going to be one day at a time but if thats the only way then so be it , if it stops you losing everything you hold dear in this world and if it stops you destroying yourself , then in my book thats worth it .

You have it in you to do this Paul, you have to dig deep to find that inner strength you know is there , just drag it out and reclaim your life , moneys money , it comes and goes all through our live's, so what ? you can't put a price on life buddy !!

Talk. to you soon my friend !

Alan

Morning diary woke up at 4, sweat pouring off me, thats the sure sign of a gambler who has lost too much. Feel s..t but i'm not stopping in bed, have work to go to, no matter how boring it is, better a boring job, than a room in a greggs doorway for your home. I guess i will feel s..t for weeks to come, i am at the point my counsellor said i would be one day - the bottom, the end. Time to get up, it's hard but it is the start of recovery.

Hope you stick with it, new habits of thinking are hard to form and the whole thing is long term with no quick fixes but worth the effort.

re your post on the other thread, you're obviously right. As f&f, I've frequently been told amid denial that black is white and the result is chaos and confusion. Not good. Better to state truth as you see it.

BW,

CW

I can relate to what you feel mate. Alan's post is so very insightful on our situation. We thought we would win this fight and kept trying to take on something that was carefully designed and caliberated by greedy ba****ds to always beat us. Gambling is a lucrative business model for them and we tried to win back what they looted from us. Unfortunately we fell into their trap and ended playing the losing game whose deceptive rules was set by them. In the end we made a bad choice and decision and we should accept it instead of repeating it. Yes it has cost us a lot and has caused us a lot of misery. There is anger, there is bitterness and there is agony. But lets accept the horrible game that was dished out to us as just that - a horrible game that preyed on our weaknesses. Lets accept our weaknesses and work on ourselves to come out stronger and wiser from this. Sometimes even our strengths can become our weaknesses. In our case, our never say die fighter attitude caused us to take on gambling even though we got beaten again and again. Naturally our pride and ego is massively hurt. But lets cultivate humility and accept that keeping this fight on was foolish and now that we have learned our lesson with humility, we will do the wise thing. And this is to channelise our strengths, our never say die fighter attitude to rebuild our life back because we ultimately value it a lot. And this means being in recovery and doing whatever it takes to not pick up and shun the deceptive and loser's fight but instead chose the winner's fight of rebuilding our life. I believe we will be stronger and wiser from this and will pick up a most valuable trait of humility and the priceless self knowledge in the process. The best way to respond to evil is to be indifferent to it. Let us choose living instead. Lets work through with ourselves to sort out the underlying causes of our weaknesses that led us to this horrible gambling experience and losses. We will find and regain our happiness, pride and a far better mindset than what we had before we fell down and succumbed to this horrible gambling s**t eventually. My best wishes mate.

Hi Diary, i have been reading and posting a lot this week, I need a break from everthing and everybody, i am going to a friends for the week-end, for some fresh air and good conversation, no gambling outlets around, so I will be back reading and posting Sunday night, thanks to everyone who has taken the time to give me their advice, I am adhering to it. My gambling life is over, catch u Sunday

Hey Paul...don't think we've met before...so hi !
Just had a quick deco at you story. ..gee it's been tough...anyway just wanted to say....keep plodding on mate...yes it's a f*****g struggle in the early days....but soooo worth it when the days really start to tot up....enjoy your weekend away...stay safe x