Re-building My Life

Day 93

Crikey 93 days have flown by. Quick year for me. Anyway, this forum has served as a crucial reminder to me about the mental devastation gambling relapse supplies.

I have read a few diaries where the user has experienced recent relapses and it shines through in their posts. Downbeat. Dark Place is going through a rollercoaster of a time. This could be me if I let it.

I continue to have layers and ways of coping. Bad eating, smoking and gambling. I have had some tough days in the past 93 days where I have turned to food and smoking as comfort but never gambling. These are my protective layers.

Started smoking again two weeks ago after quitting for two months and two days, which is my longest ever quit. Of course, if someone asked me why I started again I would stupidly say "I don't know I just did". A therapist would say your wife and baby were in hospital and both were not doing well and this was your way of coping. Perhaps but nevertheless I would have gambled in the past as an escape and this time I didn't. I can quit smoking easier than I can quit gambling and it costs less. I can run and exercise like a maddy to combat the overeating. These two bad things are layers between me hurting myself and turning back to gambling.

P.S. Wife and baby are both fine now and back home doing well.

Tomso.

Hi Tomso, there used to be a time when the end of a month would catch you out, whereas now you've done three on the trot. I'd say with ease but you had a moment of temptation, a testing time, to deal with. Yet you did, you never buckled, kept focus and remained in control. Takes some doing, so congratulations on that. In a few days you'll also join the 'treble figure club,' an achievement to be proud of. You never gave in, says something about your character.

I'm glad your wife and new baby are back home, safe and well. Take it easy, when and if you can whilst running up those days. Understand stress and tiredness triggers responses in us all. Take care.

Laz

Day 97

Just read a great post from S.A. describing the feeling of horror when you have gambled all your money away. That brought many horrible memories rushing back to me. When you feel positive that you will not gamble or that you can control it and then find yourself sitting behind a machine playing too long, gambling too much and generally losing control again. Near misses, almost winning your money back but not quite and then the inevitable happens and you lose everything. Several trips to the cash line have already happened and there is no more funds. All is gone.

97 days since that happened to me and long may that continue.

Tomso.

Well done on your great achievement so far

Hey Tomso

Great to see that you are still remaining strong and gamble free. Almost 100 days!! Fantastic.

That has got to be the worst feeling ever - when you have spent all of your hard earned salary on gambling as soon as you have received it and then have nothing for the rest of the month!! Looking back, I don't know how I managed to go 30 days without paying a bill and hardly buying any food. Things are so so different now of course and it's going to remain that way. Nothing better than the feeling of living a "normal" life once again.

Take care and remain strong as ever.

Feb.

Day 100.

Happy to graduate to the three diget club today. Delighted that I have been able to put 100 consecutive days of non gambling behind me and I feel great for it.

With time things change but by far the biggest change from a personal point of view is being able to be happy with yourself when your head hits the pillow at night. Without this what is the point. Each and every night I would put my head on that pillow and worry non-stop about the devastation I had caused that day and how could I win it all back the next day. The greatest thing I have achieved during those 100 days is being able to be at peace with myself.

What I realise now, however, is that I will never be cured of being a gambling addict. When I first came to this site I thought it was about getting to a place where this wasn't a problem anymore. I believe that doesn't exist. The good news is that the problem can be managed through, for me, total abstinence. And I can do this one day at a time without any disruption to my life.

I suppose I have been round the block a bit but finally feel as if I have enough knowledge and experience to continue on my journey with a good chance of success. I know I cannot ever walk into a bookies or casino ever again. I know that this is not a bad thing. I am not making any real sacrifice. Others disagree and talk about missing the buzz. I think this is just the brains way to full us when we get bored. The buzz of gambling and the feeling of complete boredom are at total opposites of the spectrum. There is a million things inbetween that can prevent us from experiencing either. I believe I have enough "middles" to overcome boredom or the need for chasing the so called buzz.

Tomso.

Hey Tomso

Fantastic news!!

I was only recording in my diary last night, how great it is to climb into bed each night without the stress and anxiety of knowing you have just lost all your disposable income to gambling!!

May you go from strength to strength on your journey of abstinance. Be wary though of any sudden urges - I got to 212 days and then had a few hours of gambling out of the blue!! Gladly though, I haven't slipped up since and it feels great!

Take care.

Feb.

Yo,

Congrats my friend .

Stay strong , stay well.

Shiny xx

Nice one Tomso, a massive achievement. It takes an addict to know how good you've done. It's not just the days it's what you've learned and understood which is impressive. Keep going, well done.

Steve

Tomso

Fella I am going to write about a fella who came to this forum with a problem, the same problem as many of us share, He could not win because he could simply not stop.

He went around the houses, seemed to get the ideal of recovery but would distroy it with episodes of gambling, he would not only frustrate himself but many others too.

For me I could see alot of myself in his behaviours, the gung ho attitude, the all or nothing attitude, the compulsive nature's we shared unnerving at times, I stood by supported and hoped the words, my constant rambling would in some way help him to overcome those episodes and start to see recovery for what it is, a way of life, not a bad way, but a new mentality an invigorating awe inspiring new found lust for life.

My friend you are living proof that if you never stop trying you really can achieve what you set out to do, yes there will be some very harsh lessons to be learnt along the way,set backs and folk might even stop believing your heart is really in it, but you are my friend living, walking talking proof that the compulsion to gamble can be arrested, that there is a way to better your life, a choice, yes agreed not a cure but indeed a choice that will all the time you continue to make it actually be better in my mind than a cure. Why??

Because every day, if you achieve nothing else in your life but to make a choice that today you will overcome addiction, utter those magic words

No bet today, you actually overcome the odds which are stacked against you, the result Tomso is you are a winner.

Keep making that choice fella, you have earnt the right to feel very proud of what you are doing.

You never lost the belief, you took the hard knocks on the chin and your humility is something to behold.

My friend we have never met but if we did we would share a man hug, because I am so proud to share your journey, the fact that today you do get it.

Abstain and maintain.

Keep passing on the knowledge you have, whether it's through your diary or that of the words you take the time to post on others threads.

Most of all keep making the right choice.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Tomso,

Great achievement and be proud!!!! You are doing brill, keep it up and never look back. Upwards and onwards dear friend, abstinence never stops giving, enjoy, learn and make the most out of your calm and peaceful life ahead.

Take care

Sandra x

Day 101

Very grateful to the people who posted on my diary last night to congratulate me on reaching the three digit club.

I am so determined to continue down this road of abstinence. The past 100 days have proved to me that life without gambling is far greater and more rewarding than life with gambling. My eyes are being opened again to what this world can offer someone who is willing to enjoy the small things and live for each day. Days can be challenging and other life stuff can dampen your spirit but as always when you put your head on the pillow and know that you abstained just for that day you know you have taken control of your own life to the best of your ability. That breeds honesty and confidence which are two things gambling takes away from you.

When you stop gambling you stop losing. Human beings are capable of coping with all that life throws at you but when you walk out of that bookies broke knowing that you should have left when up but didn't the feeling of loss cannot be overturned or dealt with in the immediate aftermath.

When I recall those times when I pretended to be working late and my phone ran out of battery knowing that I would be walking into a fight the minute I stepped through the door it saddens me a great deal. The selfishness of the whole act. Wife at home with the kids and all the jobs that need done and yet I left her alone to deal with all while I sat fighting against a fixed machine. The times I walked in handing her fifty quid thinking that all would be fine and then getting angry when she appeared unfazed by my generosity. Still bringing up how long I had been away and why didn't I answer my phone. On one occasion my wife thought I had been in a car crash. Who was I? How could I have acted like this? Being a gambling addict in action makes us like this. Being a gambling addict in abstinence returns us to the person we used to be. I accept I am a gambling addict. Accepting this is huge in my opinion. It gives us a starting point. I have no chance of ever being cured but I have the chance to be a gambler or not. Today, I make the choice to be someone who doesn't gamble. Tomorrow will be made easier by making that choice today.

Milestones are good for recovery. I feel good today knowing how far I have come and I have an even more determined attitude to reach the next milestone and I will try as hard as possible to enjoy life until that day comes.

Tomso.

Great post Tomso and congratulations on your 101 days gambling free. As with you I think its good to acknowledge milestones and we reach these milestones one day at a time. I am a gambling addict working recovery as best I can and today we are both winning by not gambling. The only win is not to play.

First half marathon of the season coming up am getting all excited. lol Regards to you.. S.A

Day 106.

Reading a lot of diaries which is a constant reminder that I must stay on this path of total abstinence. That is all it takes. Just don't go to the bookies and all will be fine.

I have been reading the diary of CasinoRoyalLoser and he has shared a few horror stories. They are bad and we all have our own horror stories to tell. I certainly have my fair share. The thing is they are in the past and must remain there. I can learn to cope with what is behind me as long as I enjoy the journey forward.

Felt ecstatic to reach 100 days then had a lull where I felt quite sad at the debt I had amassed over the past year. Basically, I was sad because I hadn't acted before now and if I had my debt would be far smaller. This is the thoughts of an addict however, because I know that I have enough money for today and tomorrow and as long as I don't gamble that will not be in jeopardy.

Have a nice day everyone.

Tomso.

To feel a lull Tomso is to some extent understandable. Yet remember you will never get to see totally and appreciate, just what you have saved by deciding to stop gambling now. We've all made financial mistakes in the past but it never does anyone any good to dwell on them. I'm sure you know all this already but it's easy to reflect with regret. Often 'getting out of jail' feels better than a win but you have nothing to show for it. All a matter now of deciding what you need to take forward, thinking wise, to the next level. I'm thoroughly aware financial pressures are relentless with a young family but don't beat yourself up, you have done brilliantly lately, you did it all for yourself and those you hold dear. Only people on here know how difficult, frustrating and mind wrecking it is. You've saved a lot if people, including yourself, from potential misery. Be proud, and look forward with relief to a pleasant future.

Steve